The Exes That Try To Be Friends

I think I’ve posted something along the lines of ‘can exes every be friends’ and I think, my conclusion came to a no. Everybody knows that. But, is there a slight possibility that against all odds amongst the heart breaking, the anger and frustration and the guilt that it’s still possible to be just friends? Friends who care about each other without yearning to be in a relationship, friends who accept they have history, accept they loved each other but just knows they can’t be together?

Well, I’m sort of in this rut. From the devoted (and maybe overly doting) girlfriend, back to my original, normal, tomboy sweats-allday-errday getup self. Now that I think about it, it’s quite terrifying to see how I had been pushed deeply to my feminine side when I was dating. Not that it’s a bad thing- I now have a great appreciation for sexy dressy outfits and shoes. (AREN’T YOU SO PROUD OF ME?) The man who dumped me though, I feel, has never experienced the wrath of a truly unforgiving woman. Which luckily, I am not. In fact, some people say I’m too forgiving and I’m being taken advantage of. Truth be told, that’s how I find it easier to remain friends with him.

Does this friendship work? Well, I know I still have feelings for him. But I also know I’ll never, ever get back together with him, as much as my heart wants to. This time, my brain is telling me that he isn’t worth it. Third time is NOT the charm with these things. There is no way someone has so little self respect that they let themselves fall for the same person 3 times. I at least respect myself enough not to let it happen. So when we talk, it’s fine. No, seriously. It’s pretty nonchalant. I treat him like I do my other male friends. I don’t seek him out actively. When things remind me of him, I smile, remembering, but I never let it make me sad. Although, I would not, again, actively seek out things that remind me of him. Funny thing was, he texted me today, and I told him I missed his super adorable dog, to which he replied saying how I can visit her (at his house mind you) whenever I wanted.

Um. Let’s rewind a bit. That’s a little insensitive, no?

I mean, I’m cool with being friends. But to push it isn’t cool. Is that an invitation to his house? He’s inviting me, the girl he broke up with, back to his house to see his dog. Let’s just leave it at that.

I think the real answer to this topic is it definitely relies on the breakup-ee. This person, assuming having done nothing wrong to cause the breakup, gains all the power they lost when they got dumped. They now hold the power to either be friends or not. And as a stranger on the internet, I give you my advice: don’t try to make them miserable. You’re better than that. Things can’t be forgotten, but they can be forgiven. And you have every right to feel angry and frustrated but just ask yourself if it is worth losing a friendship over something you know deep down wasn’t going to work anyways.

A musical timeline

Play this game with me:

Super simple, super easy: open your iTunes (or whatever mp3 player on your computer) and listen to the first 5 randomized songs from it. Now, write about the place in your life you were at when you first listened to this song, what you were doing, and what events you can remember when you listen to it.

Here are mine: don’t judge. I’m asian.

1st random song: Epik High- Pieces of You. I remember I downloaded this song back when I was in highschool and had a huge K-pop phase, where Korean love songs were literally the story of my life. I had 2 horribly ridiculous crushes at the time whereupon I’ve nicknamed them ninjaboy and pb. Yeah. Moving on.

2nd random song: Downton Abbey- The Suite. I’ve never even watched this series but I fell in love with this composition when I heard it on the radio. I remember downloading this song when I was in 2nd year university, and I would be on my computer after work every night putting this on repeat, and crushing hard on the man who broke my heart twice, talking to him on MSN messenger (ah the good ol days).

3rd random song: Kesenai Tsumi- Nana Kitade. The Fullmetal Alchemist (ending?) song! Definitely from my grade 8-9 days when the anime was the SHIT (and still is). I basically downloaded every OST of every anime I watched. Stop judging.

4th random song: Every Heart- BoA. What did I say? I’m asian. Although I can’t believe I’m landing on all my old anime songs. From the anime Inuyasha (holy crap) but also, BoA is such a good artist. This would be my grade 7 days where I was literally obsessed with this anime and I think this was my favourite ending song. I think regressing back in years…

5th random song: Half of my Heart- John Mayer. Finally, an english song. I definitely downloaded this during my university years..again when I was crushing over the man who broke my heart twice. He is a John Mayer fan and I think it got to me too. Also because the song feat. TSwift and the song was oh-so-relatable then (and especially now.)

So, what is your musical timeline?? Feel free to repost or play by yourself for fun! I would love to see what you guys listen to (heheh).

You don’t love me; you love the idea of me.

I have this habit where I would be working on something completely academic (like these law notes I am supposedly studying) and suddenly I’d be having imaginary conversations with myself. Sound familiar? I hope I’m not the only one.

Funny thing is, I’d be having imaginary conversations with the man who broke my heart- I don’t really like labeling him with the ‘correct’ term for some reason because, well, I don’t really wanna go there just yet. Maybe I’m still in denial. Or maybe not after reading what I’m going to share.

Honestly, I’m not that sad anymore. I am sad of course, shit, sad as fuck but, I’m dealing with it in a manner I didn’t even know I could. And I think this definitely has to be thanked for by the FIRST time he broke my heart- I’m sure every ounce of emotions and feelings for him has been swept away the first time which leaves only a bit of residual for the second. The coping part, I mean. I loved him with all my heart yes. And that just got me thinking- how does someone never love you back when you love them so much?

So while talking in my imaginary conversation, I imagined him talking to me again. You know, just friends, catching up after years later. By then he would have had the best career experience in his life, become successful, find himself, and will be extremely content with his life. I, on the other hand, would be extremely content with my career because I’m picky. And my job would not be just any job, it would be a job I know I can be happy with. I’m making a good living for myself, loving what I do, and I have all my friends and family to spend time with. And then we’d start to reminisce, talking about that time we went to D&B and we got the jackpot twice. Yeah, I still remember. And then we’d fall silent, sipping on our respective drinks. I still care about you, he’d say. And I’d nod, and shrug my shoulders. Yeah, me too. I did love you, he’d continue. This time, I’d put down my cup, smile tartly, then quickly shake my head.

“No, you didn’t. I respect that you tried. But you never loved me. You only loved the idea of me.”

Where in the hell did I think of that response? I must admit, my eyes widened (not that anyone saw) when I thought of that response. It was funny because I’d continue the conversation and I’d see him shaking his head. Believe what you want to believe, he’d say, just like he did when he decided we cannot continue our relationship. Then I’d smile again. I’ve done a lot of thinking about this you know. And I’m positive everything¬† that has happened between us only lead to that answer. You know why I didn’t cut the relationship off? Because I wanted it, I am committed to it, and I was the only one trying anymore. And obviously, it couldn’t work because it was only one side trying- I was tipping the boat onto its side either way.Yeah we both made sacrifices, but what sacrifices did you make of yourself to it? Cancelling a class doesn’t really count. I meant person-wise. You refused to make more time for me. You knew I had trust issues because of you yet, blame me that I have trust issues and that it wasn’t fair to compare. I don’t think that’s me trying to compare. I think those were the solid, hard facts. The hard facts stared straight at me: you will never give up your time for me without me asking. And of course, being the one who knows you, who loves¬† you, I would never ask you to give your own time up for me. I always just wanted you to do it yourself. That was the problem in the first place, you couldn’t sacrifice yourself for the relationship, and you weren’t committed to do so even though you showed so much promise in the beginning. My answer is that when you truly love someone, you can and will make those sacrifices. You can’t help it- you want this person. Caring isn’t loving but loving automatically includes caring.Those personal sacrifices are worth taking for this person whom you love. Whom you’re committed to when you first asked her out. Which lets me prove that you never loved me, only the idea of me. Or, alternatively, you’ve never actually experienced what real love is.

Damn, I should try writing some deep, relatable thought provoking articles for Thought Catalog or something. Or not. Maybe I’m just delusional. I felt like I wrote something grand but really, probably, I wrote some piece of crap that just sounds depressing and definitely points to the fact that I’m still in denial.

You’re Better Off Without The One That Left You

You hear this everywhere and yeah, it’s cliche but there’s a reason why it’s a cliche, because it’s true. You are better off without the person who left you. There are so many valid reasons why a person leaves you. Sometimes, it may actually not be their fault. But life happens people. This is life, and life throws so much shit at you from personal shit to health problems, from literally from a world of happiness to a world of nothing, from a place of high status to a place where it is reviled. You cannot change the past, you cannot look back on all your mistakes and think how you could have been different to change the outcome. You can’t. What’s done is done, and what’s better is that you know you were being true to yourself without forcing yourself to change to hang on to something that is doomed from the start. The best part about moving on and moving forwards is that you’re so much fucking stronger than them. You got the shit they gave you, and you made something out of it. You were able to handle yourself so well you became an even better person than you would be if you still clung onto them. Emotions still happen. Anger is always there. Sadness and tears will happen spontaneously. They’ll creep into your thoughts. All of these things happen. But they shouldn’t stop you. Take a moment. Pause. Breathe. You’re still human afterall. But you’re also not. You’re a super human, who has been through the worst kind of pain, an emotionally broken heart. And you’re not a person who lets these things happen to you all the time. You’re a person who takes these experiences and make them a part of you. Building yourself into a stronger person. That is something they won’t get. That is something they won’t have the chance to experience with you and that is the ultimate loss.

So wipe your tears and get off your ass. There’s a whole life ahead of you that you’re wasting on by wallowing in your sadness. Get up and make them regret leaving you. Make yourself into a person who forgives but never forgets, who turns pain into strength, and protects their heart from all those pieces of shit.

Because you’re better off without them. You’re so much better off without them. You’re so fucking better off without them.

Why People Fall Out of Love

It happens. The extreme butterflies that you feel when you begin a new relationship, a new bond forging. The way your heart quickens at the sight and even hearing their name. They way they’re the first and last thing on your mind when you wake up and go to sleep every day. You can’t stop thinking about them, literally. Everything you do reminds you of them, and how you wish they were with you.

The relationship ensues. Happiness ensues. But to what ends? Fights start to occur. Differences start to appear. Values start to become clear, and this relationship, where you once thought is going to last forever, breaks apart into little pieces because one side just can’t handle it anymore.

A common explanation is “My feelings aren’t as strong anymore.”

Why? Why do feelings have to be such fleeting things? Nobody means to hurt anyone yet, it happens. Why is the heart such a fickle thing? How on earth can we claim that we love someone then? Why do feelings grow stronger or grow weaker? Is there a way to manipulate someone’s feelings so that they never stop loving you? How is that normal, how is that natural? Everyone talks about ‘the game’. But playing the game only has one purpose: to string the person out until they cave without letting them know exactly how strong you feel about them. Why must we do this to ourselves? Why do we play this damn game?

We crave something new. Fresh experiences. New feelings. It’s in our nature to love. But it’s also in our nature to keep finding someone else once we become comfortable. And there’s the rub- they just became too comfortable with you. There’s no more excitement for them, no thrill of the chase, just stability. And what’s a relationship without chaos, without drama? So they fall out of love. Slowly, unknowingly.. until it hits you. Both.

How Alcohol Poisoning Affected Me.

I hate binge drinkers. I also despise those who drink their sorrows and woes away. I hate those who use alcohol as an escape, to numb their pain the easy way. I hate those who repeatedly go through this cycle of drinking and puking and then again.

Last night, I was all of these. I binge-drinked. I drowned away my emotional pain of my fresh break up. I took 8 shots of straight vodka within a couple hours. The result? I have never felt more useless, emotional, depressed, worthless and stupid in my life. No body could make me feel better. I caused everyone I care about trouble, including and especially my parents who woke up at 5 in the morning and rushed to the hospital where I was taken after nonstop vomiting in my friend’s basement. Them and my friends stayed until the morning when I finally started to regain my consciousness and realized I was in the hospital with an IV drip to my wrist. They told me I had been vomiting all night long and I was dry heaving. I was shaking and crying and nauseated. I was the epitome of a real mess.

I had a severe case of alcohol poisoning. Even now, I reek of it. Even when I’m breathing through my nose, there’s a smell of alcohol. My stomach is empty and feels like it needs to retch again. I can barely walk on my own and I feel so god damn shitty. Not just physically. I was actually on the brink of fatal damage. Had I not been rushed to the hospital who knows, I would have been dead.

And now, I’m wallowing in my own mistake at home. I also can’t believe how incredibly stupid I’ve been. How did 1 guy turn me upside down? Why do I never learn from my mistakes? Why am I letting him control my life? I want to be someone better. I want to be someone. Someone who actually makes an effort with their life and not constantly complaining about how bad it is. I do it so often. I hate doing it so often. But this is a new low for me. I have never felt this shitty in my entire life. And as strong as I’m trying to be, it doesn’t seem to be working in my mind. I have to verbalize my thoughts, make them heard, before I can attempt to hold back tears. God I’m such a bad daughter. There is no words that can amount to how grateful I feel to my parents. And all I’ve been doing was rebelling them, trying to make them see I’m a strong person. Strong person my ass. I took them for granted. And I never want to take them for granted again.

There is still so much alcohol flowing through me. It’s not close to being done in my system. And I feel sick to the bone knowing that. All the trouble I’ve caused to my friends and family was not worth it one bit. Being poisoned is definitely something I would never want to happen in my life again, or wish for anyone. Being blacked out drunk and puking is one of the worst things I’ve ever done. My hands are tingling. My stomach wants to flip. My head’s spinning. And I need to do well in my last term of school. How the hell is that going to happen, I don’t even know.

If there’s one thing that alcohol poisoning taught me, it’s that at the end of the day, your life keeps going. You can’t simply just stop and wish it would disappear all in one moment. What you do to your body you will haunt you. Your body will haunt you.

And never, ever, take your parents for granted. Because if there’s one real love in this damn world, it’s the love of your parents.

What it’s like to be 5 days into a breakup

Actually, mellow.

Distractions are everywhere. You try to distract yourself. You also gain a sense of anger. Regret creeps in. Not the kind of regret that the relationship happened, it’s the regret that you didn’t stand up for yourself earlier. Always the giver, never the taker. Well, except now you took the dump. School is back. There are subjects to study for, things to focus on. But that doesn’t mean for one second that the heart is okay.

There’s no crying. It’s dried up, even the reserves in the heart. It’s bled it all out and now there’s just emptiness. But you’re slowly moving on. Maybe a millimetre every day. Always reminding yourself it’s for the better.

The ones who get dumped are because either they’ve done everything wrong or they’ve done nothing wrong. Doing nothing means placidity. Ok with everything. Everything is with the flow. But you shouldn’t be like that. Being placid is not good. You need your own needs. And meet them. You need to have your own goals.

But I don’t have them yet. I’m still trying to figure out what I want with my life. I want to know what I want to do with myself. I want to be like others who know what their end goal is. I have no idea. My future is hung up in the air waiting for me to come pull it. I thought I was able to handle a relationship while figuring myself out. Is that fair? I gave everything into the relationship. Was that right? I put the person’s needs before mine, was that necessary? Is that love or is that channeling my unknown future worries into what I believed to be love?

5 days into the breakup and life just seems exactly the same as it was before, during, and after my relationship.

How to get over him.

It’s like forcing to throw up something you ate days ago. It’s like trying to hold your breath in your bathtub and hoping you wouldn’t have the reaction to gasp for air. It’s suppressing every single memory of him whenever your mind wanders back to it and you stop yourself with a pinch or something else to keep your mind away. It’s telling yourself it will never ever be good again, and you will never hold him the same way again and feel his lingering hand disappear forever. The love you have for him needs to go needs to hide and never resurface again. You have to do something that doesn’t remind you of him, doesn’t  remind you why you went back to him in a heartbeat. Everything reminds you of him. What can you do? Every breath hurts every heart beat hurts as if someone was clenching their fist around it and squeezing it with all their might. You never thought this would happen again. But it did. You’re a mess. But you have to go on. How do you go on like this. How do you accept the fact he’s really really gone from your life. How do you accept that love you’ve suppressed and resurface only to kill it completely is the love you will never feel for a person again? How can you get over someone who never loved as deeply as you, how can you have been with someone who never knew that you were capable of doing so?  How do you stop this. Make it stop. It’s crushing you. The heaviest weight. It’s not even a weight anymore. It’s your own body sinking into itself twisting and writhing until you’re a pile of nothing. It may have not been all for nothing but your love was all for nothing.