No, really, I don’t mind.

Says no one ever.

God, I swear, I will find all of those selfless people in this world and hug them and be their friend and forever be their slaves. Oh that’s right, no one is like that. Ever. Wait how did I drift off into this..oh right. I’m ranting again. So of course, the boy gets sick literally two days before he comes up to visit me in the land of greyness (I live in Ontario, guess) so I spent this last weekend studying and getting my shit done for school. It was cool. But I’m like retardedly busy for the next…2 weeks and he just really doesn’t want to come up. Oh that’s right…his gym comes before me. Yeah, I get it, he paid for the lessons. But DON’T say you want to come up for a night, then kinda squeal on it. It’s like giving a lollipop to a child then just before he eats it happily you snatch it back and lick it. Kid cries, obviously.

What’s that about the gym? Yeah, he’s big into it and I understand that’s his thing. And yeah, he had a lesson that he paid for that he missed for the first few times? (don’t look at me, none of that was MY doing). And coming up might be “a bit too much” for him…after he literally said “i don’t really mind coming up for a night though” and a “maybe i’ll come up friday evening”. Please. Just don’t. If you really don’t wanna, don’t. Stop doing that. It really SUCKS to hear it. Say what you mean, and mean what you say, please. SERIOUSLY. I gave you an option and it would have been fine if you said you couldn’t right off the bat instead of trying to coat it then give me hope then make it crash down on me. I’m honestly sick of it.

You know, spending a little time with me wouldn’t kill you, would it? Yeah, I totally forgave you for being sick that wasn’t on you. But hey, you’ll be fine by the end of the week. You know what, me missing you a lot just seems wayyy too creepy as your girlfriend. So creepy man. God, why does she miss me so much?! The horrors. None of your other roommates miss theirs– OH RIGHT. one lives with him in the same room, the other sees him every other week while HER boyfriend comes to see her for the other weeks. Yeah, THAT’S effort. HM. WONDER WHY THEY DON’T MISS THEM AS MUCH AS ME. You know, I shouldn’t even be missing you at all. I’ve got my friends (and their boyfriends of course) and I’ve got school. Yeah. I’ve got my varsity team and I’ve got myself. So what’s the difference between being my boyfriend and being my friend.

And I’ve already told you, if i was ALLOWED to go home, I would’ve, in a blink of an eye. But I can’t, okay, so why is it such a struggle for you? I guess I’m really just there for convenience. I should get this whole bad bitch vibe going instead of always being so placid and understanding. I understand too much. I give no room for myself to feel equal in this. I’m always giving and never getting. I don’t get it. If it were me, I would do whatever it took to see him in a heartbeat. I mean, that’s what people do….when they like each other right?

Parallel Futures.

I was at a bubbletea place the other night with my boyfriend. We were chatting after a long day at a golf tournament together and we were just sitting and enjoying ourselves, as we never really do this often. So we’re talking and talking until he randomly came up with plans for this Christmas. He asked if I would like to come with him this Christmas and of course, being a masochist I said no because I had no money even though that’s all I could ever ask for. Then he started to try to make me feel better by explaining how trips aren’t actually that expensive especially for all inclusives and yadda yadda. Then he says “You’ll have lots of chances in the future.”

There is nothing wrong with the sentence. And it was very reassuring coming from him, and of course it made me happy- for a bit. I am not a picky person and especially not when it comes to what people meant. But somehow, I couldn’t get over the fact that he said I will, and not “we will”. It’s not a big thing. Seriously. I even feel ridiculous writing about this. But it bugs me. And kinda makes me sad.

Whenever we talk about the future, we always put the two of our futures separately. We never include each other in our personal future- we never say “We will go somewhere” or “Our place would be nice” or anything of that sort. It would be “I will be going” or “My house would have a personal gym”. And this is exactly what I signed up for. I’m not complaining, no, really, not at all, I’m kinda just saying it and putting my feelings out there instead of bottling it up waiting for it to explode at a very wrong moment. I just feel like my relationship is so business-like and very very independent. Independence is great but…it could also be a little overdone. I mean, if you keep saying it so that your future just has you and you alone, why are you in a relationship? How would the other person feel? In my opinion, it makes me feel shitty but I always brush it off. I’ve gotten used to brushing it off. And now I’m starting to get feminine doubts about what I’m really doing and who I’m doing it for aside from myself.

I’m sure he doesn’t actually mean it to sound so cut off. But who has time to decipher words and what they actually mean all the time? I’m probably being extremely emotional and stupid right now but it honestly feels like we’re living our lives in parallel, not together. We are doing things for our own future, not for our future. My parents would always mention my future with him and how I need to get my shit together if we want a solid future together. I don’t even bother.

I know I think like a guy and my boyfriend knows I think like a guy. He loves that I understand him. But sometimes, it doesn’t hurt to make me feel like a girl outside of sex, right?

If he is your boyfriend he has a responsibility.

So my parents believe. They’re your typical Asians while my boyfriend is more well, whitewashed. And there is nothing, and I mean nothing, more infuriating than listening to these words.

My boyfriend does not have a responsibility to drive me all the time. He does not have the responsibility to spoil me with money he doesn’t have. He does not have the responsibility of dating my parents. And most of all he does not have the responsibility of making me feel like a god damn fucking princess.

He does have the responsibility of making me happy. He does have the responsibility of making me feel comfortable and loved. He has the responsibility of making me trust him and putting his heart out on the table for this relationship. And he has done just all that.

To all of you that may be suffering this same moral clash I want to let you know that the only thing that matters is the two of you. Your parents are your guides. Not your significant other. They have taught you all the things that is important and you have to choose what you want to listen to and what you believe is right. They cannot force you down the same road that may have worked for them. Because this is your life and your life alone. Your choices are your own and nobody had a right to tell you otherwise what responsibilities you owe.