everything i should have said

so many times there have been things i wanted to say to people. all kinds of people, from the rude customers i get at work, to exes, to friends, to interviewers, to family members, to my boyfriend. but i never manage to get the right words out at the right time. my head speaks faster than my lips. i catch myself having trouble talking sometimes. it’s definitely some sort of problem but it doesn’t hinder me too much, at least i don’t think. it’s not really dyslexia-it’s more of a stutter problem. ew.

but here’s to everything i should have said to these people.

to the rude customers i get at work, calm your shit. you came here to this facility for a reason, so stop negotiating prices and pay what you owe. otherwise don’t give me your keys.

to my ex, when we broke up that night, all i got out of my mouth were tears. i am pretty sure i cried instead of talked. but what i should have said was thanks, for being the asshole to rip me apart twice in my lifetime, to give me hope and burn it, and for never being a boyfriend. thanks for breaking it off with me and giving me a reality check because i would have forever walked in your shadows, constantly trying to catch up to you, to be someone who i’m not, to be someone i thought you would love. thank you for having been in my life, and now forever out. stay out.

to my friends, you guys are one of my pillars. i would never have pushed myself to become better, laughed to relieve the pain in my heart, and cared for people who are not even my family. thank you for being there for me, for being my friends, for listening to me and asking me for advice. i am proud to call you my friends.

to interviewers, i’m extremely bubbly but don’t see it as airheadedness. i am dying to find something that challenges me, that makes me want to learn, to study out of my own accord, and to contribute to my field. i want to be useful. i want to do amazing work, to be an amazing employee, and to grow with the company. i promise that the work i will be given will be done to the best of my abilities because the energy that i put into playtime wants to be put into my career.

to my family members, thank you. thank you mom and dad, for being the ones who love me through thick and thin, from pissing me off to sacrificing yourselves for me. i know i am not your perfect child but i wouldn’t ask for better loving parents. even though we butt heads and you guys really anger me, im sure i anger you too. but even though i do, you guys never stopped loving me, taking care of me, and being parents. so thank you, and i love you.

finally, to my boyfriend. thank you. i never say this enough. heck, i never say i love you as often as i want to, as i should. these words scare me. ive said them so much in the past but its always ended up unreciprocated. my mind tells me i shouldn’t say it, but my heart screams it. so that’s why sometimes you’ll hear me squeak it out- and it would have been the biggest fight between my head and heart to say it. no, i’m not having second thoughts- it’s not that. the words are heavy. which is why i want to prove it to you, more than me saying it, even though i should say it more. you make me laugh, wholeheartedly, happily. whenever i’m with you, i’m so happy. you make me happy, you are literally, my happiness. you have never disappointed me (maybe once but that’s long forgotten) and you’re always, always there for me without fail. you have been my closest friend for a long time- there is no world without you. you are amazing, talented, hardworking and a beautiful soul. i will always have your back, and i am forever grateful that you chose me to be by your side. you are my life and the love i’ve always been waiting for. and i can’t wait to rule the world together with you. i love you from the bottom of my existence. thank you for everything you do.

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what is pain

it doesn’t matter what made you sad, how it happened or how long it will last. whatever makes you experience the pain of sadness doesn’t escape your memory easily. it could be a death of a loved one, loss of finances, a break up, a rough patch in your life where nothing falls into place, nothing is going well for you. your career might be falling apart, or you hate it so much you come home dead every day, or your children refuse to talk to you.

for me, a couple things have gotten me very down and i’m sure i’m not the only one. after realizing the job i had landed before was nothing i had expected to be, including being a victim of unecessary pickiness and a non-encouraging environment, i had to leave it for the sake of my sanity. coming home everyday frustrated and angry and depressed wasn’t my idea of a good start to my career.

on top of that, i had recently found out my ex has a new girl now. which i’m sure she’s an amazing person. but that part of me just knows, she’s the reason why he left me. no matter how many times i tried to wrap my head around the reason he told me, “you aren’t a motivational drive for me”, it just couldn’t make sense to me. and so, when i had accidentally found out about this new girl, it all made sense. everything hit home. they met at his gym, where he basically lived, and she was a lifter. yes, that was all she had to be to have something going. and so i bawled, again, after 9 months of being as strong as i could to carry past the initial hurt, like a baby. everything hurt as much as the first time he left me to “explore with other guys” and the second time when he pulled me away from another man back into his arms just to leave me again. it’s so easy to handle it on the surface. it’s so easy to just shrug it off and say ‘it was for the best’ or ‘he wasn’t worth it, now i know’ but you can’t just dismiss memories, and experiences, like it was nothing that was worth remembering. every fucking memory in your life is worth remembering. that month of work, where my manager picked on the most ridiculous details to seeing another girl post on my ex’s post was very painful.

what is pain? is it that physical clenching of the heart or a physical wound which causes you to bleed or is it tears that just can’t stop when they had to, or rolling yourself into a ball in the washroom hoping nobody sees you? loving them to the ends of the earth only to have the dream of being together shattered by technical reasons is painful. having to leave someone you love because they’re not ready to face the world is painful. there are so many definitions of pain. but my personal definition of pain is how my heart feels since the beginning of the year. it’s in constant pain. it feels like theres¬† a dead weight on it, unable to be lifted no matter how much i distract myself, how much i drive myself forward, how much i see friends, help them, or spend time with family. it’s like it’s caving in on itself, and honestly, i’m a little scared.

i can barely feel a pulse when i put my hand over it, and as i lie down in bed to get through another day, i can hear its faint beating in my ears.

that’s my pain.

My Imaginary Life

I’d be exhausted after a full day’s work. But I’d be happy- content- because I was able to finish what I wanted to finish for the day. Sure I’ve got projects lined up for me like an ant colony but I’m doing exactly what makes me feel accomplished, talented, and most of all, happy. I’d be doing something that other people would use- I’d be useful. I’d be dressed professionally, and I’d feel great about my appearance, boosted by my self confidence and self esteem. I would be somebody in my field. I would be respected. I would be successful, and living comfortably in my quaint apartment, furnished with the bare necessities but in an elegant and minimalistic way because I love minimalistic. My cupboards would be full of ingredients for a delicious home cooked meal, sometimes, even after a tiring day at work. Because I treasure my health and I treasure my income- ordering out or going out will only be reserved for weekends or special occasions. I would look at my calendar and remind myself that my volleyball tournament is coming up soon. I would be excited.

Once I have settled down for the night with a small glass of wine, I would unwind on my little couch and watch whatever’s on. Then maybe, I’d pull out my phone and text him. Want to come over? I’d ask. A little personal company would be the perfect way to unwind. He’d come, of course, giving me that handsome sneer of his, and crash on the couch with me. He’d ask me how my day was and I’d ask him how his was. I’d tell him about my future plans for a little trip with my friends. And he’d ask if he was invited.

We would decide to watch a funny movie- or if I was feeling tired, a chick flick for me to fall asleep to- and when it would be over, it would be midnight. He’d get up and move over to me and we’d hug, before he decides to leave for the night. Thanks for coming, I’d say to him, honestly. He would linger a little as if wanting to say something but I start for the door. He would follow and say Of course.

And then he’d be off. I close the door and lock it, and put my wine glass into the sink. I will wash the dishes tomorrow morning before work. I turn off the kitchen lights and retreat into my single bedroom for a new day.

What it’s like to be 5 days into a breakup

Actually, mellow.

Distractions are everywhere. You try to distract yourself. You also gain a sense of anger. Regret creeps in. Not the kind of regret that the relationship happened, it’s the regret that you didn’t stand up for yourself earlier. Always the giver, never the taker. Well, except now you took the dump. School is back. There are subjects to study for, things to focus on. But that doesn’t mean for one second that the heart is okay.

There’s no crying. It’s dried up, even the reserves in the heart. It’s bled it all out and now there’s just emptiness. But you’re slowly moving on. Maybe a millimetre every day. Always reminding yourself it’s for the better.

The ones who get dumped are because either they’ve done everything wrong or they’ve done nothing wrong. Doing nothing means placidity. Ok with everything. Everything is with the flow. But you shouldn’t be like that. Being placid is not good. You need your own needs. And meet them. You need to have your own goals.

But I don’t have them yet. I’m still trying to figure out what I want with my life. I want to know what I want to do with myself. I want to be like others who know what their end goal is. I have no idea. My future is hung up in the air waiting for me to come pull it. I thought I was able to handle a relationship while figuring myself out. Is that fair? I gave everything into the relationship. Was that right? I put the person’s needs before mine, was that necessary? Is that love or is that channeling my unknown future worries into what I believed to be love?

5 days into the breakup and life just seems exactly the same as it was before, during, and after my relationship.

So what do you have in mind after university?

Said his parents.

It’s still a touchy subject for me, but I told them (as confidently as i could) that I would be pursuing something along the lines of graphic design. I don’t recall their reaction after. But I’m sure it wasn’t anything near being impressed. Afterall, I would graduate with a Kinesiology degree.¬†What is this girl thinking? Why is Stephen dating her? Just today, my mother was telling me she was talking to his mother earlier and again, she brought up the subject of what I would want to do after university.

Ugh.

It’s brutal.

Their sons are engineers, with bright careers ahead of them while I, who is dating one of their amazing sons working for IBM (for that matter, both of them do), am stuck in the very big rut of ‘no clue what to do after university’. I could only imagine what is going through their heads. If Stephen is dating a girl, she better have a good career. She better be making some good money. She better not be a gold digger. She better prove her worth to date our son. Which makes it even more stressful. A parent’s advice will always be taken to heart.

So if I don’t find something amazing fast, I might as well say good bye.

Calling

Life sucks when you have to think about your first career.

So it’s nothing new, but I know where my real passion lies for my career. It’s a long shot, but I’m slowly making myself put my mark in the graphic design industry. First step is not to find a legit job just yet but a volunteer position. Today I pretty much spent my afternoon after work applying for volunteer positions, and saving some for later (when I’m done my co-op for the spring). It’s a long shot but at least I am trying. And hopefully I won’t get shot down too much, otherwise I think it’s time to start making an actual portfolio full of originals. Ah life problems. Too bad I didn’t take it more seriously back in ’09 when all I did was create wallpapers instead of real art- original works. But I don’t have a tablet! Doing everything by mouse is hard. What am I complaining, at least it never stopped me. And that is very important for all of you dealing with my same struggles- do something that you love, find a way to make sure that your job has an aspect that you love. Otherwise you really cannot go anywhere. You will hate your life. And everything will go downhill from there.

Love your job, love your life! (And of course, love your SO, love your life)

Undergrad, Then…What?

This post will not be like the others. This post is for all the students out there, who are bright, intelligent, but have absolutely no idea what their calling is.

I’m feeling it. The pressure of a full-time position once my university life is over in almost exactly a year. Masters? No money. I probably don’t have the patience or grades for it. If there’s one thing I know for sure, however, it is that I do not want to do a Masters. I have already done more than enough placements at physiotherapy clinics to know I do not want to work in a clinical setting for the rest of my life. Not that I had no interest- I actually loved working with the patients, and I loved learning all the hands-on aspects of the job. I gained vast knowledge on soft tissue work. But that is the problem, you see. I am a hands-on learner, a visual learner. Which is why studying with my nose buried in textbooks is probably the worst way to study and learn. I am incredibly stubborn and extremely picky when it comes to interest. I am a fighter for the things I love, and I don’t even give a second thought to the things I don’t. Which makes me very, very, prone to underestimation. One of my other weaknesses– actually, my greatest– is my humbleness. I am too humble. Over the top, so much that I tend to undermine myself to potential employers. WHY for the love of god do I always do that??

I am also extremely shy and not confident in my own abilities. It’s such a shame. My parents even lecture me on my confidence. What is there to be meek about? I don’t know. My grades have never been that of an academic, but that doesn’t mean I have nothing up here. All it takes is one conversation with me to know. But that will never happen without the grades. Oh what a paradox.

If you, a student, can relate to what I’m feeling right now then let me tell you right now to stop whatever you’re doing and do the things you NEED to do right now. FIGURE out your goal. What do you want to do? There has to be something you would love to do for your job, something that you would love to do while earning a living. If you ask me, that would be 3 things: my love for the human body, athletics, and graphic design. The next question is, where the fuck do I find a job that would emphasize these elements?

The answer is, there is no 1 job that can accommodate all of these elements. They are all seperate. And unfortunately, it will take time and effort to find jobs. The question is whether you are willing to start that step, or let all your chances slither away into an abyss called laziness. My hobby is actually graphic design- I have had absolutely 0 formal training in it, and it was all taught via laptop and mouse. With persistent effort and hours and hours of concentration, I have been able to teach myself extreme basics of vector art. But my hobby is also an area with billions of job opportunities. So why sit here and let that slide too?

Off to figure out vector mask painting.