“If it’s something you’re meant to forget, you will. Without even thinking you want to forget it. Because, the more times you think you want to forget, the stronger those memories become, right? So doesn’t that mean that, deep in your subconscious, you think you really shouldn’t forget them?”
I think I’ve posted something along the lines of ‘can exes every be friends’ and I think, my conclusion came to a no. Everybody knows that. But, is there a slight possibility that against all odds amongst the heart breaking, the anger and frustration and the guilt that it’s still possible to be just friends? Friends who care about each other without yearning to be in a relationship, friends who accept they have history, accept they loved each other but just knows they can’t be together?
Well, I’m sort of in this rut. From the devoted (and maybe overly doting) girlfriend, back to my original, normal, tomboy sweats-allday-errday getup self. Now that I think about it, it’s quite terrifying to see how I had been pushed deeply to my feminine side when I was dating. Not that it’s a bad thing- I now have a great appreciation for sexy dressy outfits and shoes. (AREN’T YOU SO PROUD OF ME?) The man who dumped me though, I feel, has never experienced the wrath of a truly unforgiving woman. Which luckily, I am not. In fact, some people say I’m too forgiving and I’m being taken advantage of. Truth be told, that’s how I find it easier to remain friends with him.
Does this friendship work? Well, I know I still have feelings for him. But I also know I’ll never, ever get back together with him, as much as my heart wants to. This time, my brain is telling me that he isn’t worth it. Third time is NOT the charm with these things. There is no way someone has so little self respect that they let themselves fall for the same person 3 times. I at least respect myself enough not to let it happen. So when we talk, it’s fine. No, seriously. It’s pretty nonchalant. I treat him like I do my other male friends. I don’t seek him out actively. When things remind me of him, I smile, remembering, but I never let it make me sad. Although, I would not, again, actively seek out things that remind me of him. Funny thing was, he texted me today, and I told him I missed his super adorable dog, to which he replied saying how I can visit her (at his house mind you) whenever I wanted.
Um. Let’s rewind a bit. That’s a little insensitive, no?
I mean, I’m cool with being friends. But to push it isn’t cool. Is that an invitation to his house? He’s inviting me, the girl he broke up with, back to his house to see his dog. Let’s just leave it at that.
I think the real answer to this topic is it definitely relies on the breakup-ee. This person, assuming having done nothing wrong to cause the breakup, gains all the power they lost when they got dumped. They now hold the power to either be friends or not. And as a stranger on the internet, I give you my advice: don’t try to make them miserable. You’re better than that. Things can’t be forgotten, but they can be forgiven. And you have every right to feel angry and frustrated but just ask yourself if it is worth losing a friendship over something you know deep down wasn’t going to work anyways.
It happens. The extreme butterflies that you feel when you begin a new relationship, a new bond forging. The way your heart quickens at the sight and even hearing their name. They way they’re the first and last thing on your mind when you wake up and go to sleep every day. You can’t stop thinking about them, literally. Everything you do reminds you of them, and how you wish they were with you.
The relationship ensues. Happiness ensues. But to what ends? Fights start to occur. Differences start to appear. Values start to become clear, and this relationship, where you once thought is going to last forever, breaks apart into little pieces because one side just can’t handle it anymore.
A common explanation is “My feelings aren’t as strong anymore.”
Why? Why do feelings have to be such fleeting things? Nobody means to hurt anyone yet, it happens. Why is the heart such a fickle thing? How on earth can we claim that we love someone then? Why do feelings grow stronger or grow weaker? Is there a way to manipulate someone’s feelings so that they never stop loving you? How is that normal, how is that natural? Everyone talks about ‘the game’. But playing the game only has one purpose: to string the person out until they cave without letting them know exactly how strong you feel about them. Why must we do this to ourselves? Why do we play this damn game?
We crave something new. Fresh experiences. New feelings. It’s in our nature to love. But it’s also in our nature to keep finding someone else once we become comfortable. And there’s the rub- they just became too comfortable with you. There’s no more excitement for them, no thrill of the chase, just stability. And what’s a relationship without chaos, without drama? So they fall out of love. Slowly, unknowingly.. until it hits you. Both.
My friend recently developed extremely strong feelings for a guy- and the guy reciprocated. But all of a sudden, when commitment came into the equation, he stepped back; how back, she doesn’t know. Thus begins the chase where there can … Continue reading
Everyone’s guilty of it. Everyone’s done it: breaking a promise. They may be extremely important, or extremely trivial. It irks everyone; you guys made plans and you get all excited about it and then — they flop. It’s simply disappointing, frustrating and most of all, annoying. Some promises aren’t meant to be broken, and those are the ones that you really need to think about before saying “I promise”. But, there are promises that had no choice but to be broken..And you can’t really blame people for sometimes breaking promises, I mean, life happens, and things may happen suddenly without warning. You can’t get mad over those.
So, what are some promises that shouldn’t be broken?
I want to believe that dates mean something. Means two people are giving a chance at love with one another by getting to know one another, and to spend some time investing in that. I don’t believe that flopping on a pre-set date you both agreed on deserves a second chance- of course, unless a family member is in critical condition or something, or you suddenly got a stomach flu (still a shady response). Some of you probably don’t see dates as super important and that’s totally fine. The reason why they shouldn’t be broken is because it simply says : I’m not interested in you enough to do anything to see you.
You know what this means: effort. If you’re serious about the person, and you’re serious about the relationship, then put effort into it. Effort automatically equates to you really putting yourself out there to love and be loved and honestly, there’s a lot of respect for a person who puts effort in. You know they care about things that matter to them. You know that you matter to them. And if you want a serious relationship without putting in effort, you’ve already broken that promise of the relationship. It’ll go nowhere.
3. Your Engagement.
Pretty self explanatory, no? I mean, you gave the girl your heart. You invested in her. He loves you. And by saying yes, you’re invested in him too. Don’t suddenly start freaking out about how you now realize that maybe he isn’t who he really is. You had the entire time you were dating him to figure it out. If he’s not the one but still proposes, don’t say yes out of guilt. Because the guilt of breaking off the engagement is, probably, a lot worse. And if you’re the one that proposed, don’t you think it’d be a slap in your own face if you suddenly realize that after promising this lovely girl your life with her, you actually didn’t really wanna? This isn’t changing your clothes- this is changing your heart. Which proves to show, superficiality is never as important as what lies underneath.
4. Your marriage.
And the epilogue to the engagement, of course, is the exchange of vows. You vowed to someone you love for heaven’s sake. If you really loved them, nothing should change, even if fights happen. Children may happen, and old age may start to happen too- but you guys fell in love for a reason. You guys mutually agreed to live your lives together, through thick and thin (I hope)- but when the going really gets tough, you chicken out? As long as there’s life in you, fight for it. Fight for what you know you guys have. If you guys can’t even keep the promise of being together for as long as you’re able to, why promise it in the first place? Promises are your responsibilities. If you can’t handle all aspects of your responsibilities, don’t promise anything, especially on love.
People confided in you for a reason- they trust you. And when they ask you to not tell anyone (because really, we all need to tell someone), try not to. Gossip is juicy- but if you want to be a trustworthy person, you have to be able to keep a secret. Especially if it does not involve you personally. Some people may be horrible at keeping secrets- and if you’re one of them, just tell your friend that it’s probably not a good idea if they absolutely insist you cannot tell anyone. Don’t put yourself on the spot in the future- disclaim yourself if you know you burst out spontaneously. Be responsible. Your friend would probably respect that than having their trust in you broken.
What’s the difference between these promises and all the other ones that if broken, wouldn’t be as much as a cause for alarm?
Here’s a question for you: What’s your favourite season?
I was born late Autumn/early Winter but I love summer. Why? Because I can actually go out and do things- golf, beach volleyball, whatever. I feel more like myself when I’m active. So what do seasons have to do with relationships?
Haven’t you ever noticed a ‘cycle’ in your group of friends, where there was be a period of time where everyone either gets into a relationship or ends one. It’s interesting because I noticed this, and these happen in 2 seasons: Summer or Winter.
Why? Here’s my comparison:
Summer: Bright, sunny. Longer daylight hours. You feel happier simply because it’s bright out. It relaxes your mind and enhances our thought of ‘summer vacation’- an idea that serves to put away our stress and let us enjoy the better things in life. It is also a season where the more skin you show, the more likely you will attract people. Girls love muscles. Boys love legs. (Generally speaking.) It is the season where you can dress as little as you like without being called a slut in public, especially on a blistering hot day. The sight of skin enhances our idea of a person’s ‘sexiness’- and therefore we are drawn even closer. Basically, this is the season that mentally relaxes you. Less stress = more openmindedness = better relationship/fling opportunities.
Winter: Cold. Dark. But beautiful. It is the season that gives the perfect reason to cuddle up. Winter invokes our sense of touch a lot more. The cold can be the reason why he wants to hold your hand, or why she wants to give you a big, long hug. Snow is also extremely romantic. It provides great flirting opportunities like snowball fights or snow-angel making. Cute, kiddish stuff that everyone deep down still love. Coffee makes the perfect date. This is the season where your physical sense are being stimulated. Love is literally in the air.
When either season ends, the other begins- and the question is can your relationship survive the two?
I may have different ideas from you, but this is just something to ponder about. Again, not the gospel of truth, but something to think about if you are finding yourself in the midst of making/breaking a relationship.