New Year’s Resolutions- Pftttt.

Because nobody actually takes them seriously. And for those who do, I apologize, but life’s too crazy and realistic sometimes to be able to achieve your goals in that year. For those who were able to achieve them constantly, I applaud you, and ask you to contact me to share your secret.

I don’t think I’ve ever actually had a NYR. Sure I’d list some random things when people ask me but I don’t take it seriously. Why should I? You can’t anticipate what life has in store for you for the next year even if your goals ARE realistic and doable. I believe that you need to face things head on, good or bad. The more you set goals, and the more you’re unable to fulfill them, the more shitty you feel about yourself. This isn’t to say to lower your standards; I’m stating it seems more reasonable to accept the things life throws at you instead of trying to force your way into something life thinks you’re not ready for. I’m all about tolerating and accepting- and while some of you may totally disagree, which is fine, it has definitely helped me with my way of life. Tolerating other people’s quirks, and accepting the fact that some people will never change has minimized the amount of disappointment in my life. Yes to some of you this probably sounds super depressing. I’m here to say otherwise- I would probably be a LOT more depressed if I didn’t do these things. I have learned that tolerance helps control your emotions, and lets you see the reason behind a lot of actions. Accepting is harder. Accepting means you see their point of view as well and share it. And even though you may not act on it, accepting something inside is already one step closer to happiness.

So why make new resolutions every new year? I just have the same ones every year: achieve happiness.

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Secrets to Tell

Have you ever had something you wanted to tell someone but also know you should keep as a secret instead? It could be personal, it could be someone else’s secret (but not so-secret, let’s be real). And all you hope for is for someone to know your secret without actually asking you outright about it. Sometimes it happens, and sometimes it makes you feel great. Sometimes, it backfires.

So the person actually knew what was wrong with you- or at least, could tell what was wrong. And you though crap, my secret is blown- but is it? Is it actually a secret though, or should this actually be something people should know? Last night, out of the blue, my boyfriend asked if I needed to talk to him about something. And magically enough, that same day I had posted my 3am rant (see last post). He knows I have this ridiculous blog but he also said he wouldn’t actively seek it out again. Which made me wonder if he was telling the truth, not that I care if he reads or not. My rant basically explained how I felt a little left out when he was with his friends and how I just sometimes don’t know how and why I’m okay with being secondary with the things in his life. Ironically too he said he hoped I didn’t feel secondary but the fact is that I am- which he also seemed to have confirmed and yes, it’s still okay with me. It’s just when I think about it sometimes, especially at this time of year, I basically see him as much as I would during the school year when I would be back in the land of nowhere. And I also talk to him as much as I would during the school year, or as much as I would as an ordinary, unappealing friend.

I know he’s not a big talker through text. But my biggest secret I don’t want to tell him is I feel like the only time he would pay attention to me is before and during sex. And by attention I mean actually doing things a boyfriend would normally do. Once sex is over, attention drops to the unappealing friend zone.

Yeah I’m probably overthinking it and yeah I’m probably being a huge drama queen about it but whatever. If i didn’t even care about this relationship I wouldn’t even care about this. This can’t be something I can say to him, because a part of me also knows it’s not true- but my feelings are real. It’s all about feelings vs reality. And even though one may not be real, it sure feels real to me.

A 3am rant

Well, I had a good day. Got to see my boyfriend and surprised by a trip downtown with his relatives and family. It was pretty cold but nonetheless pretty nice. I had a good time. He invited some of his friends over later for some games and chilling.

And well, it was like I was in the background amongst these guys which I understand I suppose; it was like a guys night basically. But I felt quite out of place especially when my boyfriend didn’t really pay any attention to me whatsoever after we went out to get some pizza since I barely ate anything for the entire day. In fact it was his little brother who talked to me more throughout the night. Meh.

And then when we were eating the pizza, there were only a few of us talking. He was telling his friends how his life consisted of work gym eat sleep and repeat. He even said which left him no time for his girlfriend. So without thinking I automatically said “I don’t know why I’m still with you”.

Honestly I don’t think I meant it but it came out sarcastically so hopefully they understood. I don’t think I meant it. Because of course, everything I have been doing was for the sake of this relationship with him. I stopped seeking attention and I stopped comparing past experiences. But even still, I feel like I’m missing out on a greater aspect of love. I know he means well and cares about me but only to the extent when it’s convenient and immediate to him. He doesn’t really think twice about me but it isn’t out of lack of interest but rather the lack of the feeling of wanting to. It’s kind of hard you know, when you’re treated just like a friend.

8 Unfortunate Signs You’re Unappreciated And Deserving Of Better | Thought Catalog

http://thoughtcatalog.com/christopher-hudspeth/2013/06/8-unfortunate-signs-youre-unappreciated-and-deserving-of-better/

Underappretiation is dangerous. I need to take a page out of this, and so should you.