“If it’s something you’re meant to forget, you will. Without even thinking you want to forget it. Because, the more times you think you want to forget, the stronger those memories become, right? So doesn’t that mean that, deep in your subconscious, you think you really shouldn’t forget them?”
It’s like forcing to throw up something you ate days ago. It’s like trying to hold your breath in your bathtub and hoping you wouldn’t have the reaction to gasp for air. It’s suppressing every single memory of him whenever your mind wanders back to it and you stop yourself with a pinch or something else to keep your mind away. It’s telling yourself it will never ever be good again, and you will never hold him the same way again and feel his lingering hand disappear forever. The love you have for him needs to go needs to hide and never resurface again. You have to do something that doesn’t remind you of him, doesn’t remind you why you went back to him in a heartbeat. Everything reminds you of him. What can you do? Every breath hurts every heart beat hurts as if someone was clenching their fist around it and squeezing it with all their might. You never thought this would happen again. But it did. You’re a mess. But you have to go on. How do you go on like this. How do you accept the fact he’s really really gone from your life. How do you accept that love you’ve suppressed and resurface only to kill it completely is the love you will never feel for a person again? How can you get over someone who never loved as deeply as you, how can you have been with someone who never knew that you were capable of doing so? How do you stop this. Make it stop. It’s crushing you. The heaviest weight. It’s not even a weight anymore. It’s your own body sinking into itself twisting and writhing until you’re a pile of nothing. It may have not been all for nothing but your love was all for nothing.