Sometimes my subconscious needs to suffer too

I pulled into my driveway, and saw Tifa. She was as cute as ever and as I got out of the car….whose car was it… I called to the dog. She yawned, and suddenly he calls out to her. She leaps towards him. Like she always did in reality.

His mother came out of nowhere. She extends her arms and gives me a hug. How are you, she asked. I said Okay, shakily. She gave a prim smile.

Next thing I knew, we were all inside my house. I went upstairs to change but I heard him follow behind me. I went into my room. He followed me in. My clothes were strewn everywhere, but he didn’t even talk to me and went straight to my full length mirror as if I didn’t exist. He was looking at himself. Then he left, without another word. He started to go back downstairs. I remember my body walking on its own.

“Stephen,” I called down.

“What?” He responded, half turning his head. It was the first time he acknowledged me in the dream. 

I felt angry. I felt an immense wave of sadness. But for some reason, I didn’t respond after that, and hid behind the closet door away from the view of the staircase. I heard the floorboards creak under his weight slightly, as if he was looking for me. Then it creaked, signifying he walked away. I slowly walked back out, starting to feel a heaviness in my chest. It must have made a sound because suddenly, he walked back out and made his way upstairs. I quickly went back into my room.

He came in, and I had my back turned to him.

Then I felt his arms around me. He was hugging me.

We exchanged a couple sentences, and then I imploded.

My knees found their way to the ground and I curled over, unable to take the pain, the crushing pain in my chest as I began to cry wildly. I cried until I needed to take a breath, and felt my body shuddering with my sharp gasps for air. His arms were still around me, and he never let go.

Until I woke up.

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“Have you ever wanted to forget?”

“If it’s something you’re meant to forget, you will. Without even thinking you want to forget it. Because, the more times you think you want to forget, the stronger those memories become, right? So doesn’t that mean that, deep in your subconscious, you think you really shouldn’t forget them?”

Woke up to a hurting heart.

I woke up from a dream this morning with my heart cringing in pain. In the dream my brother was going off to vacation with his girlfriend and was passing things off to me to take care of while he packs up, getting ready to leave. He was so happy. I was happy. Then my phone starts to go off in my pocket, must have been accidentally turned on, and I see all these pictures of me and him, laughing. He was smiling and laughing in all of them, genuinely, and it made me hurt so bad. I saw his face so clearly. I remember I turned off my phone and started scrambling around my room trying to remove any objects that reminded me of him. And then my brothers belongings spill out of his bag, pictures of him and his girlfriend, cuddling, smiling, in love. I started to cry uncontrollably.

I woke up with my heart in pain. And it still is in pain. His face is etched in my mind, his laugh, his smile, that picture. I can’t forget it. And it hurts.

Let’s Fly

I’ve dreamed of the day when we would board that plane to Italy- just the two of us. I dreamed that we would be so excited we wouldn’t be able to sleep the previous night and we would stay up all night talking about our itinerary and anything we may have forgotten to pack. I dreamed that we would fly across the world and experience something new and breathtaking together. Capri, I had told you, was my must-see. And you said you would be my traveling buddy. It sounded great at the time, until now. You never made us more intimate. I was always left out in your world, just a side thing, just a buddy. My plane swerved and started to nosedive. You had faded so fast from me I didn’t even notice.

Up, up, here we go, where we stop… everybody knows.

A musical timeline

Play this game with me:

Super simple, super easy: open your iTunes (or whatever mp3 player on your computer) and listen to the first 5 randomized songs from it. Now, write about the place in your life you were at when you first listened to this song, what you were doing, and what events you can remember when you listen to it.

Here are mine: don’t judge. I’m asian.

1st random song: Epik High- Pieces of You. I remember I downloaded this song back when I was in highschool and had a huge K-pop phase, where Korean love songs were literally the story of my life. I had 2 horribly ridiculous crushes at the time whereupon I’ve nicknamed them ninjaboy and pb. Yeah. Moving on.

2nd random song: Downton Abbey- The Suite. I’ve never even watched this series but I fell in love with this composition when I heard it on the radio. I remember downloading this song when I was in 2nd year university, and I would be on my computer after work every night putting this on repeat, and crushing hard on the man who broke my heart twice, talking to him on MSN messenger (ah the good ol days).

3rd random song: Kesenai Tsumi- Nana Kitade. The Fullmetal Alchemist (ending?) song! Definitely from my grade 8-9 days when the anime was the SHIT (and still is). I basically downloaded every OST of every anime I watched. Stop judging.

4th random song: Every Heart- BoA. What did I say? I’m asian. Although I can’t believe I’m landing on all my old anime songs. From the anime Inuyasha (holy crap) but also, BoA is such a good artist. This would be my grade 7 days where I was literally obsessed with this anime and I think this was my favourite ending song. I think regressing back in years…

5th random song: Half of my Heart- John Mayer. Finally, an english song. I definitely downloaded this during my university years..again when I was crushing over the man who broke my heart twice. He is a John Mayer fan and I think it got to me too. Also because the song feat. TSwift and the song was oh-so-relatable then (and especially now.)

So, what is your musical timeline?? Feel free to repost or play by yourself for fun! I would love to see what you guys listen to (heheh).

Lives to Remember.

Daily Prompt: 3 Lives, 3 Memories.

Moment #1: It was Christmas day. It was snowing lightly outside but everything was covered in a fresh blanket of snow. It was dark out. We had stopped watching the show and instead, held each other in our arms for the first time. We pressed our foreheads together, gently, feeling both our heartbeats in our ears. Our breaths were as ragged as the other, and in a tight embrace, we experienced our very first kiss. We loved each other; but the love didn’t last. He fell, and drew away. He changed, and he left.

Moment #2: It was 2 a.m. in the morning, and I had passed out on his bed, already asleep. I heard the lights turn off. Suddenly I felt him reaching for me, and I awoke to his searching hands, which had begun to crawl beneath my shirt. I pulled away, tired, and unwilling to wake up so early in the morning. But he persisted; not angrily, just persistent. I sighed. I gave up. I returned his yearning kisses with unequal yearning kisses. It didn’t stop him. I laid there, tired, drained, but helped him finish. Once done, he rolled beside me, and instantly fell asleep. I stared at the ceiling, wide awake now, and began to cry.

Moment #3: He held his arms around himself, and I could feel his heart breaking. I could feel his pain and it hurt me. He curled, his hands clenching to the sheets, and began to cry, muffled by them. I watched, unable to move, unable to speak as I saw myself at that same moment. A mirror image. I held out my hand and he took it, held it to his heart and cried It’s breaking. I took it back and sat in silence as I watched myself kill him. 

My 3 lives were my 3 past relationships- where i’ve been hurt, i’ve been used, and i’ve hurt. These are important memories to me as they are the result of experiences. They made me and broke me, but it’s time to realize that this is my only life left. I have no more time for the lives where hurting the other is an inevitable fate.