everything i should have said

so many times there have been things i wanted to say to people. all kinds of people, from the rude customers i get at work, to exes, to friends, to interviewers, to family members, to my boyfriend. but i never manage to get the right words out at the right time. my head speaks faster than my lips. i catch myself having trouble talking sometimes. it’s definitely some sort of problem but it doesn’t hinder me too much, at least i don’t think. it’s not really dyslexia-it’s more of a stutter problem. ew.

but here’s to everything i should have said to these people.

to the rude customers i get at work, calm your shit. you came here to this facility for a reason, so stop negotiating prices and pay what you owe. otherwise don’t give me your keys.

to my ex, when we broke up that night, all i got out of my mouth were tears. i am pretty sure i cried instead of talked. but what i should have said was thanks, for being the asshole to rip me apart twice in my lifetime, to give me hope and burn it, and for never being a boyfriend. thanks for breaking it off with me and giving me a reality check because i would have forever walked in your shadows, constantly trying to catch up to you, to be someone who i’m not, to be someone i thought you would love. thank you for having been in my life, and now forever out. stay out.

to my friends, you guys are one of my pillars. i would never have pushed myself to become better, laughed to relieve the pain in my heart, and cared for people who are not even my family. thank you for being there for me, for being my friends, for listening to me and asking me for advice. i am proud to call you my friends.

to interviewers, i’m extremely bubbly but don’t see it as airheadedness. i am dying to find something that challenges me, that makes me want to learn, to study out of my own accord, and to contribute to my field. i want to be useful. i want to do amazing work, to be an amazing employee, and to grow with the company. i promise that the work i will be given will be done to the best of my abilities because the energy that i put into playtime wants to be put into my career.

to my family members, thank you. thank you mom and dad, for being the ones who love me through thick and thin, from pissing me off to sacrificing yourselves for me. i know i am not your perfect child but i wouldn’t ask for better loving parents. even though we butt heads and you guys really anger me, im sure i anger you too. but even though i do, you guys never stopped loving me, taking care of me, and being parents. so thank you, and i love you.

finally, to my boyfriend. thank you. i never say this enough. heck, i never say i love you as often as i want to, as i should. these words scare me. ive said them so much in the past but its always ended up unreciprocated. my mind tells me i shouldn’t say it, but my heart screams it. so that’s why sometimes you’ll hear me squeak it out- and it would have been the biggest fight between my head and heart to say it. no, i’m not having second thoughts- it’s not that. the words are heavy. which is why i want to prove it to you, more than me saying it, even though i should say it more. you make me laugh, wholeheartedly, happily. whenever i’m with you, i’m so happy. you make me happy, you are literally, my happiness. you have never disappointed me (maybe once but that’s long forgotten) and you’re always, always there for me without fail. you have been my closest friend for a long time- there is no world without you. you are amazing, talented, hardworking and a beautiful soul. i will always have your back, and i am forever grateful that you chose me to be by your side. you are my life and the love i’ve always been waiting for. and i can’t wait to rule the world together with you. i love you from the bottom of my existence. thank you for everything you do.

How Alcohol Poisoning Affected Me.

I hate binge drinkers. I also despise those who drink their sorrows and woes away. I hate those who use alcohol as an escape, to numb their pain the easy way. I hate those who repeatedly go through this cycle of drinking and puking and then again.

Last night, I was all of these. I binge-drinked. I drowned away my emotional pain of my fresh break up. I took 8 shots of straight vodka within a couple hours. The result? I have never felt more useless, emotional, depressed, worthless and stupid in my life. No body could make me feel better. I caused everyone I care about trouble, including and especially my parents who woke up at 5 in the morning and rushed to the hospital where I was taken after nonstop vomiting in my friend’s basement. Them and my friends stayed until the morning when I finally started to regain my consciousness and realized I was in the hospital with an IV drip to my wrist. They told me I had been vomiting all night long and I was dry heaving. I was shaking and crying and nauseated. I was the epitome of a real mess.

I had a severe case of alcohol poisoning. Even now, I reek of it. Even when I’m breathing through my nose, there’s a smell of alcohol. My stomach is empty and feels like it needs to retch again. I can barely walk on my own and I feel so god damn shitty. Not just physically. I was actually on the brink of fatal damage. Had I not been rushed to the hospital who knows, I would have been dead.

And now, I’m wallowing in my own mistake at home. I also can’t believe how incredibly stupid I’ve been. How did 1 guy turn me upside down? Why do I never learn from my mistakes? Why am I letting him control my life? I want to be someone better. I want to be someone. Someone who actually makes an effort with their life and not constantly complaining about how bad it is. I do it so often. I hate doing it so often. But this is a new low for me. I have never felt this shitty in my entire life. And as strong as I’m trying to be, it doesn’t seem to be working in my mind. I have to verbalize my thoughts, make them heard, before I can attempt to hold back tears. God I’m such a bad daughter. There is no words that can amount to how grateful I feel to my parents. And all I’ve been doing was rebelling them, trying to make them see I’m a strong person. Strong person my ass. I took them for granted. And I never want to take them for granted again.

There is still so much alcohol flowing through me. It’s not close to being done in my system. And I feel sick to the bone knowing that. All the trouble I’ve caused to my friends and family was not worth it one bit. Being poisoned is definitely something I would never want to happen in my life again, or wish for anyone. Being blacked out drunk and puking is one of the worst things I’ve ever done. My hands are tingling. My stomach wants to flip. My head’s spinning. And I need to do well in my last term of school. How the hell is that going to happen, I don’t even know.

If there’s one thing that alcohol poisoning taught me, it’s that at the end of the day, your life keeps going. You can’t simply just stop and wish it would disappear all in one moment. What you do to your body you will haunt you. Your body will haunt you.

And never, ever, take your parents for granted. Because if there’s one real love in this damn world, it’s the love of your parents.

We’re just friends, goddamn it.

How do we define friends?

I have a friend. I am a female and he is a male. We haven’t been friends for too too long, only a couple months. But conversation came easy- we joked and laughed and made fun of each other without hard feelings. It was a good friendship. There was no physicality in this friendship- no touching, no physical flirting. But still, people believed something was happening between us- and I have a boyfriend.

How do we define friendliness? How does being nice to somebody equate to you having feelings for them? How do people jump to the conclusion about two people who are really, simply, just friends? Can two members of the opposite sex not be friends? Is sexual attraction so strong in the human nature that friendship is nothing more than our innate sense of reproduction ??

Friendship happens when two people care for the others company. If there was nothing in common or nothing you like about that person enough for you to hang out with, friendship would not exist. This happens for any combination of the sexes. Humans cannot live long alone. They need company. And a person who is just like you is good company because you can be yourself with them, and they are comfortable to be around. It’s like hanging out with yourself only, an actual conversation can happen. It does not mean you have to have any romantic feelings for them. Sure it is a great teaser, let’s be serious.. But in all honesty, it shouldn’t be something to joke about. Feelings change- maybe what was once a good friendship can be destroyed by rumors.

Friendship COULD lead to relationship but it is not inevitable. We may laugh and have a great time but at the end of the day our hearts know who we will be with and who we want to be with.

Don’t let other people ruin your friendships. They are a beautiful thing and friends are what keeps us strong when there is a need for a hug, a laugh, or celebration for the good times.

Some Days

When the rain falls, and there’s actually, literally, nothing to do. When nothing in the world seems to go right for you and everything impossibly ridiculous gets thrown in your face, when so much hatred builds up in your heart and gets bottled up inside you with nowhere to go. Some days it gets like this. When you realize that other people have the kind of happiness you want, and that you’ll never get that happiness. When you need comfort and all you do is put on your best IDGAF face and carry on. Nobody knows. You don’t particularly want anyone to know. You just feel like shit. You get shit you don’t even deserve. Somehow, buying $5 casual sunglasses turns into a lecture of how they’re a waste of money because they don’t protect your eyes. How spending money on a 3 day vacation turns into a lecture on saving money instead of spending it when you grow up otherwise you’ll become a fucking hobo. How wanting to get away from this hellhole turns into silence when you realize the moment you ask to get away, the answer is no anyways.

Some days are just like this. And today’s just one of those days.

Well, It Can’t Get Any Worse, Right?

I made a phone call to my student advisor asking whether I needed this last credit for my co-op job. I don’t. So technically, I don’t have to work this last week (ie. next week) at work. Long story short, coop students would accumulate overtime hours that can cover for this last week of work. Well, unfortunately, due to being a part of the golf varsity team, I had to miss a week of work earlier in June for Nationals. My overtime hours accumulated by then, covered for that. Thus, I would be the only one at work next week, with a couple admin people. I don’t need to work it. I have all my credits. I don’t even get paid for this week. But no. It’s apparently going to affect my transcript, saying something along the lines of “this student has horrible ethics” if I don’t work the week. So, of course, I will stay the week to work it. Alone. Cleaning out shit from unused areas in our department, like what a co-op student does best.

What’s even better is that my parents admonished me for even bringing up the fact that my friend asked me to go on a trip with her. They stared at me like I had a mental problem- and after a couple scruffs became harsh scorning- sneering and copying with much contempt, my question of whether I was allowed to go. She asked why she wasn’t allowed to go, my mother mocked, and gave several scoffs to go with her mockery. Where does she think money comes from, trees?

Seriously. A simple ‘no’ would have sufficed thank you. Guess they like it over the top. I was just asking. But I guess I won’t ask anymore.

Then my boyfriend just texted me with great hope that I could come with him for the long weekend. My fam’s heading down to Niagara, he said, and they’d love it if you could join us. I had stared blankly into the phone, already knowing that even though I wanted nothing more than to say yes, I’d love to accompany you guys, I had to force my fingers to say Sorry. I don’t think I can afford missing out Monday at work. Have fun!

 

Yeeeah. I don’t know. I feel kinda shitty.

What is Family

They yelled, screamed, judged, and most of pressured me into being the perfect daughter. Why don’t you understand this, yelled my father, who was teaching me mathematics since I was in junior high. How many times do I need to repeat myself, he yelled again, frustrated, while I shrank back in my seat, digging my nails into my palms and yelling at myself why I didn’t I understand. I just didn’t. I couldn’t- not with his menacing frown and the slicing words that shredded any confidence I had in me. I was pretty much useless in their eyes, a waste of space. I would never be right. I would always be in the wrong. I would never know when to do things myself, how to do things myself, and be able to survive alone, they believed. I was useless. Not like their son, on his way to making partner at Deloitte who recently bought his own car with his own money and has already seen half the world with an equally successful long term girlfriend. I am the failure, I am useless. They hold no confidence in me, yet judge me whenever I show I have no confidence. Have more confidence in yourself they say. And yet, all this time, all they’ve been doing was stomping it out, destroying it, while pretentiously encouraging me that I should have more in the first place. How messed up is that? I hate being weak. I wanted to prove them wrong. But they’ll never give me the chance to. Each fight I have with them only puts me in more shit. Why do I bother anymore? I want to get out of the house. But how could I? If I could just keep running forever, I would. I want to run away from all of this and just be left alone. I have faced it. And there’s no stopping them- no matter how hard I’ve tried for the past 16 years.

At the end of the fight, my father said: I think you have a grudge on us.

And for a moment of silence, I took those words in. Maybe he was right. Maybe I did. I remember I had written quite an angry post when I was little- oh very, very little if you were wondering- and it’s right here actually, in my hands.

I will prove you wrong.

I had written that many many times over on the page- guess I was adamant about it. Maybe that’s why I give such snarky retorts that make them angry. And it actually gives me a little bit of comfort to see them angry. Because they can feel what I feel. But at the same time, they get to show it while I get to hide it.

So it makes me wonder. What the hell is family.