We know better.

It feels so good to talk to him again. Not an excited, romantic kind of talk. A normal, friendly, missing kind of talk. I miss him. Yeah, he was a great friend. My best friend. And I was treated so damn right.

But we know better. We miss the relationship. We both do. We missed the highs that came with it and even the lows. Not that we had a lot of those.

We know better than to tread backward. We know.  But knowing sometimes isn’t enough. 

When You Can’t Let Go of the One Who’s Bad for You

Your heart’s in a million pieces, glued together carelessly and terribly. You can’t control these feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, and you think you’re okay because you’re angry- being angry helps. Being angry lets you feel more powerful, more competent. Being angry lets you feel you’re in control of yourself once again.

And then you turn into putty once he messages you, or simply snapschats or post something up on social media.

You start to cry, you start to reminisce and you start to feel weak and powerless and stupid again. He was everything to you and you gave, literally, everything to him. You thought this was going to be serious, a serious commitment, a serious relationship where just because a person cannot be your career advisor while she’s in school doesn’t mean this can’t work out. You gave him more chances than he should have received, and even though you gave up everything for him, he never gave up anything for you. He gave up objects and objectifiable things yes, but he never gave up what you gave up- emotions, feelings, happiness for a chance at you two. She believed that there could have been more happiness, like he promised. He promised they were going to be good. He couldn’t keep that promise for the second month in.

When you can’t let go of the one who’s bad for you, you feel like you’re drowning. In your own pool of sadness, that ridiculous, stupid, unneeded sadness. You know he never emotionally satisfied you, you know he never gave his heart to you. It doesn’t matter what a person is like- when a person truly falls in love and loves a person, love WILL make them do whatever it takes to keep that person. You will try so hard to make it work, because you love that person. You will never give up on a person because of a career goal. You will try to make that person work with your goal. You will never try to turn it against that person, nor guilt trip her, nor tell her that you want to be friends but never make an effort to remain so. You will not leave her hanging every single time she attempts to reach out, as friends. She will drift, drift away slowly, but surely.

When you can’t let go of the one who’s bad for you, you have to let go of the person who’s clinging on to the one who’s bad for you. Shed that person away. Shed your emotions, shed your efforts, shed your friendship. Because that someone who’s bad for you shouldn’t be your friend. And that person who’s clinging on cannot be your friend. Strip her away. Delete her. Rip her away from your heart, body, soul.

You will never remember her, and the one who was bad for her, again.

The Exes That Try To Be Friends

I think I’ve posted something along the lines of ‘can exes every be friends’ and I think, my conclusion came to a no. Everybody knows that. But, is there a slight possibility that against all odds amongst the heart breaking, the anger and frustration and the guilt that it’s still possible to be just friends? Friends who care about each other without yearning to be in a relationship, friends who accept they have history, accept they loved each other but just knows they can’t be together?

Well, I’m sort of in this rut. From the devoted (and maybe overly doting) girlfriend, back to my original, normal, tomboy sweats-allday-errday getup self. Now that I think about it, it’s quite terrifying to see how I had been pushed deeply to my feminine side when I was dating. Not that it’s a bad thing- I now have a great appreciation for sexy dressy outfits and shoes. (AREN’T YOU SO PROUD OF ME?) The man who dumped me though, I feel, has never experienced the wrath of a truly unforgiving woman. Which luckily, I am not. In fact, some people say I’m too forgiving and I’m being taken advantage of. Truth be told, that’s how I find it easier to remain friends with him.

Does this friendship work? Well, I know I still have feelings for him. But I also know I’ll never, ever get back together with him, as much as my heart wants to. This time, my brain is telling me that he isn’t worth it. Third time is NOT the charm with these things. There is no way someone has so little self respect that they let themselves fall for the same person 3 times. I at least respect myself enough not to let it happen. So when we talk, it’s fine. No, seriously. It’s pretty nonchalant. I treat him like I do my other male friends. I don’t seek him out actively. When things remind me of him, I smile, remembering, but I never let it make me sad. Although, I would not, again, actively seek out things that remind me of him. Funny thing was, he texted me today, and I told him I missed his super adorable dog, to which he replied saying how I can visit her (at his house mind you) whenever I wanted.

Um. Let’s rewind a bit. That’s a little insensitive, no?

I mean, I’m cool with being friends. But to push it isn’t cool. Is that an invitation to his house? He’s inviting me, the girl he broke up with, back to his house to see his dog. Let’s just leave it at that.

I think the real answer to this topic is it definitely relies on the breakup-ee. This person, assuming having done nothing wrong to cause the breakup, gains all the power they lost when they got dumped. They now hold the power to either be friends or not. And as a stranger on the internet, I give you my advice: don’t try to make them miserable. You’re better than that. Things can’t be forgotten, but they can be forgiven. And you have every right to feel angry and frustrated but just ask yourself if it is worth losing a friendship over something you know deep down wasn’t going to work anyways.

She’s Not Allowed to Care.

Every love you had in your life- despite having failed in them, will always have a mark in your heart. Especially the ones that were good to you. The ones that were amazing but just wasn’t meant to be. I talked with a friend earlier and he had told me that his ex shouldn’t be allowed to care about him after dumping him. That after what she did to him, all the pain and suffering he felt, it just didn’t feel right for her to ever talk to him again.

As guilty for my past doing, I have dumped a guy not because of him but for another man. But..oh my wretched heart, it’s not like I don’t care about him anymore. I know I have left him and I know that he probably never wants to talk to me ever again but that is him, not me. For me, I still do care- I would like to know what he’s up to nowadays, how he’s doing. That doesn’t mean I’m going backwards no- it’s sort of like having a part of you in someone else and you just always want to be whole again but you can’t. It’s like that. It keeps propelling you towards them to seek them out even after doing what you did, because you did give a part of yourself to them. I don’t know if this is even right- but what is right or what is wrong? Are human emotions wrong?

But the fact that you broke someone’s heart does not mean you are an evil person. Everyone has their reasons- albeit socially acceptable or not. Nobody ever means to hurt someone on purpose,rather, we hurt people because we don’t know what we want, what we’re looking for, who we want to be. And as much as we think we do, we don’t, until the moment you realize you are bound to someone by law and by bathroom routine.

Can We Be Friends? (But Not Really?)

Can exes be friends? Like, real friends? I feel like you could. But it wouldn’t be the same. You can’t joke about things anymore because it reminds you of the past and it suddenly becomes awkward. You don’t want your feelings to become stirred again- happy or sad. Things are fine, not talking. But things are also fine talking. Is it really? You don’t know. Your body naturally stops you from hurting yourself- physically and emotionally. When things are going okay, you cut it short- you don’t want to be hurt again. Exes probably can’t be friends. Acquaintances, at best. “Yeah, I know her.” But you probably wouldn’t say “I used to love her.” It hurts when you really think about it. It hurts when you realized that the person you honestly would have wanted to live your life with just won’t be that person anymore. And it sucks. How are you supposed to call yourselves friends when there is no interaction anymore? Your friends called her a keeper. But she was the one who left. A hole in your group of friends, segregation. You can’t forgive and you can’t forget. But isn’t that what friends do? You guys can’t be friends. It’s either love or indifference. Friendship is obliterated once a relationship is over. There is no going back. Can you live with that decision? Can you live knowing that who you once loved is now a total stranger? Even if both sides of the party wanted to remain friends, life doesn’t work that way. You can’t be. You never will be again.