Floating Away.

Ever got that feeling they’re just drifting away? Where, only weeks ago they were telling you everything- from their work day to the achievement they reached at the gym after. But then something happened, you became vulnerable again and they’re just sick of it. Sick of hearing your insecurities, your ambition-less life, the troubles you experience with yourself. What they don’t know is how you know exactly what they’re looking for and how because you selflessly love them try to stay strong. So that they won’t notice, they won’t have to care about your problems. Because you’re already their problem, why put the cherry on top? Then the day after, and then the next, you start to notice, they’re simply drifting away. There’s no excitement. Everything is placid. Of course, you could be the one to start a conversation but why would you? Afterall they made it clear there is no need to talk all the time. Once or twice a day would be perfect, as a couple.

Sure they talk to you- debates would probably be the only thing that can keep a conversation going. Aside from that, it’s the same responses over and over again. That’s exciting, they’ll say, or, That’s cool. They probably would have gone to bed without telling you because, well, they totally forgot about you. You then ask, what is this coming to? Something is wrong, isn’t it? And it’s all because of you.

They’re floating away because you’re pushing them away. The way you act, the way you talk, the way you try to be perfect for them seems to be doing the exact opposite. The day they realized they wanted you was because you were yourself. You didn’t care about what other people thought and you were headstrong. It was alluring. It was desirable. Now you’re just a mess. Ever so slowly, they’re floating away because you are not intriguing anymore. You are not yourself. The floaters let the currents take them. And if your current propels them away, then they’ll float away. If your current pulls them in, they’ll float towards you. Be the stronger current. Don’t let them float away.

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She’s Not Allowed to Care.

Every love you had in your life- despite having failed in them, will always have a mark in your heart. Especially the ones that were good to you. The ones that were amazing but just wasn’t meant to be. I talked with a friend earlier and he had told me that his ex shouldn’t be allowed to care about him after dumping him. That after what she did to him, all the pain and suffering he felt, it just didn’t feel right for her to ever talk to him again.

As guilty for my past doing, I have dumped a guy not because of him but for another man. But..oh my wretched heart, it’s not like I don’t care about him anymore. I know I have left him and I know that he probably never wants to talk to me ever again but that is him, not me. For me, I still do care- I would like to know what he’s up to nowadays, how he’s doing. That doesn’t mean I’m going backwards no- it’s sort of like having a part of you in someone else and you just always want to be whole again but you can’t. It’s like that. It keeps propelling you towards them to seek them out even after doing what you did, because you did give a part of yourself to them. I don’t know if this is even right- but what is right or what is wrong? Are human emotions wrong?

But the fact that you broke someone’s heart does not mean you are an evil person. Everyone has their reasons- albeit socially acceptable or not. Nobody ever means to hurt someone on purpose,rather, we hurt people because we don’t know what we want, what we’re looking for, who we want to be. And as much as we think we do, we don’t, until the moment you realize you are bound to someone by law and by bathroom routine.

Maybe he’s in it just for the sex.

So I haven’t blogged in a long awhile. This is quite spontaneous of me.

I guess I just wanted to put some of my thoughts out here, coherently (I’ll try). Thoughts about my future, thoughts about everything that’s going on around me.

My life’s pretty mundane. Got school, assignments, projects, presentations, food to cook, people to talk to, drama to resolve, boyfriend to see. Guess I rarely do the latter though- and it’s not easier since he’s leaving for good ol Florida in less than a week’s time. He’ll only be there for a week but, damn it, I’m totally free that weekend. What am I supposed to do at home now?

And then there’s my dreary future after university. In the best case scenario, I’ll get my degree and find a nice job to get me started with making money, doing things I always wanted to do without school invading my time, like going to the gym (shh, excuses). I’ll like the job, have a steady income, be happy with my career life. In the worst case scenario, I’ll not get my degree. LOL, alright well, I’m pretty sure I will. So the next worst case scenario is me getting my degree, not finding any job, and having my boyfriend move to the states for his new job. Wut.

I have friends who always joke about getting married and having babies and whatnotcrap us girls always talk about. But honestly I hate it whenever I hear those jokes. I don’t think it’s a joke. It’s serious, and it’s especially serious when I don’t even know if I’ll make it that far in this relationship. I don’t feel like I will- and don’t blame me because my boyfriend even explicitly said we are no where close to being there yet. I guess…it hurts? It’s the truth yes, but it hurts still, how am I supposed to control that? Who wants to hear that their relationship has a mysterious end where it’s 50/50 chance of it not working out. Who wouldn’t try to make it work out? Who wouldn’t want to encourage their other half (sorry, is that too cheesy a term?) that they will get through it together? Those aren’t lies, they won’t be lies if you try. And it sucks, you know, knowing that they’re so literally down to earth they don’t even see the emotional side of these talks. Why am I so obsessed with finding a job? Because if I don’t, I’m basically done with my relationship. There is no way in hell my boyfriend would accept that- I mean yeah, who would want to date someone who can’t get a job? I already know I will struggle. And it sucks, just waiting for it to loom towards me and I can’t do anything about it.

Man but seriously, if you were (or are) the boyfriend of a girl, whom you’ve date for over a year now, would you say that? Would you tell her we’re not there yet and that when the time comes we’ll see if it’ll work out? If not then…you’ll cross that bridge later? Like what? Is there no sense of will to fight for it, instead of letting it just be? In that case, why not date another girl? Date another girl who doesn’t care if the relationship won’t work out, is just as down to earth as you. There’s no positivity. There’s no honest effort in trying to make it work- just whatever is, is. Call me lame, call me idealistic, call me out of my mind. But I know there are so many men out there who take much larger steps, willing to put it out on the line visibly, and willing to let everyone know that he loves this girl and that he will do anything for her. He still hides me from his family in the sense that he doesn’t put pictures up. and then tells me to hide the fact he bought me flowers from them- but to still put a picture up. It’s like he’s ashamed to show how much he loves me to his family. If he even does. Maybe he’s just in this relationship for the sex he gets out of it.

And it hurts, okay? I know what it feels like to be hurt. I have been hurt, and I have done the hurting. Doesn’t matter how much tolerance I’ve built up. I still feel something.