Sometimes my subconscious needs to suffer too

I pulled into my driveway, and saw Tifa. She was as cute as ever and as I got out of the car….whose car was it… I called to the dog. She yawned, and suddenly he calls out to her. She leaps towards him. Like she always did in reality.

His mother came out of nowhere. She extends her arms and gives me a hug. How are you, she asked. I said Okay, shakily. She gave a prim smile.

Next thing I knew, we were all inside my house. I went upstairs to change but I heard him follow behind me. I went into my room. He followed me in. My clothes were strewn everywhere, but he didn’t even talk to me and went straight to my full length mirror as if I didn’t exist. He was looking at himself. Then he left, without another word. He started to go back downstairs. I remember my body walking on its own.

“Stephen,” I called down.

“What?” He responded, half turning his head. It was the first time he acknowledged me in the dream. 

I felt angry. I felt an immense wave of sadness. But for some reason, I didn’t respond after that, and hid behind the closet door away from the view of the staircase. I heard the floorboards creak under his weight slightly, as if he was looking for me. Then it creaked, signifying he walked away. I slowly walked back out, starting to feel a heaviness in my chest. It must have made a sound because suddenly, he walked back out and made his way upstairs. I quickly went back into my room.

He came in, and I had my back turned to him.

Then I felt his arms around me. He was hugging me.

We exchanged a couple sentences, and then I imploded.

My knees found their way to the ground and I curled over, unable to take the pain, the crushing pain in my chest as I began to cry wildly. I cried until I needed to take a breath, and felt my body shuddering with my sharp gasps for air. His arms were still around me, and he never let go.

Until I woke up.

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How to get over him.

It’s like forcing to throw up something you ate days ago. It’s like trying to hold your breath in your bathtub and hoping you wouldn’t have the reaction to gasp for air. It’s suppressing every single memory of him whenever your mind wanders back to it and you stop yourself with a pinch or something else to keep your mind away. It’s telling yourself it will never ever be good again, and you will never hold him the same way again and feel his lingering hand disappear forever. The love you have for him needs to go needs to hide and never resurface again. You have to do something that doesn’t remind you of him, doesn’t  remind you why you went back to him in a heartbeat. Everything reminds you of him. What can you do? Every breath hurts every heart beat hurts as if someone was clenching their fist around it and squeezing it with all their might. You never thought this would happen again. But it did. You’re a mess. But you have to go on. How do you go on like this. How do you accept the fact he’s really really gone from your life. How do you accept that love you’ve suppressed and resurface only to kill it completely is the love you will never feel for a person again? How can you get over someone who never loved as deeply as you, how can you have been with someone who never knew that you were capable of doing so?  How do you stop this. Make it stop. It’s crushing you. The heaviest weight. It’s not even a weight anymore. It’s your own body sinking into itself twisting and writhing until you’re a pile of nothing. It may have not been all for nothing but your love was all for nothing.