Sometimes my subconscious needs to suffer too

I pulled into my driveway, and saw Tifa. She was as cute as ever and as I got out of the car….whose car was it… I called to the dog. She yawned, and suddenly he calls out to her. She leaps towards him. Like she always did in reality.

His mother came out of nowhere. She extends her arms and gives me a hug. How are you, she asked. I said Okay, shakily. She gave a prim smile.

Next thing I knew, we were all inside my house. I went upstairs to change but I heard him follow behind me. I went into my room. He followed me in. My clothes were strewn everywhere, but he didn’t even talk to me and went straight to my full length mirror as if I didn’t exist. He was looking at himself. Then he left, without another word. He started to go back downstairs. I remember my body walking on its own.

“Stephen,” I called down.

“What?” He responded, half turning his head. It was the first time he acknowledged me in the dream. 

I felt angry. I felt an immense wave of sadness. But for some reason, I didn’t respond after that, and hid behind the closet door away from the view of the staircase. I heard the floorboards creak under his weight slightly, as if he was looking for me. Then it creaked, signifying he walked away. I slowly walked back out, starting to feel a heaviness in my chest. It must have made a sound because suddenly, he walked back out and made his way upstairs. I quickly went back into my room.

He came in, and I had my back turned to him.

Then I felt his arms around me. He was hugging me.

We exchanged a couple sentences, and then I imploded.

My knees found their way to the ground and I curled over, unable to take the pain, the crushing pain in my chest as I began to cry wildly. I cried until I needed to take a breath, and felt my body shuddering with my sharp gasps for air. His arms were still around me, and he never let go.

Until I woke up.

“Have you ever wanted to forget?”

“If it’s something you’re meant to forget, you will. Without even thinking you want to forget it. Because, the more times you think you want to forget, the stronger those memories become, right? So doesn’t that mean that, deep in your subconscious, you think you really shouldn’t forget them?”

Woke up to a hurting heart.

I woke up from a dream this morning with my heart cringing in pain. In the dream my brother was going off to vacation with his girlfriend and was passing things off to me to take care of while he packs up, getting ready to leave. He was so happy. I was happy. Then my phone starts to go off in my pocket, must have been accidentally turned on, and I see all these pictures of me and him, laughing. He was smiling and laughing in all of them, genuinely, and it made me hurt so bad. I saw his face so clearly. I remember I turned off my phone and started scrambling around my room trying to remove any objects that reminded me of him. And then my brothers belongings spill out of his bag, pictures of him and his girlfriend, cuddling, smiling, in love. I started to cry uncontrollably.

I woke up with my heart in pain. And it still is in pain. His face is etched in my mind, his laugh, his smile, that picture. I can’t forget it. And it hurts.

From Two to One to None.

I know these two guys- brothers- and they were my real close, good friends. Were, as you noted. No, we’re not close anymore, let alone good. We used to play together, eat together, hang out together. I used to love watching them bicker in the brotherly fashion they used, all those sassy, sarcastic and drop dead hilarious comments they threw at one another. I knew nothing, absolutely nothing, would come in between or break this bond. And the worst part was I had developed feelings for both of them. And so did they. But I loved the little brother in the sense that I felt like he was my own little brother. I loved the older brother romantically. He was my world, everything and anything I’ve wanted. He could have asked me to do groceries for him and I would have done it in a heartbeat. I was head over Hell for him. It was horrible, immature, and very, very raw. These feelings for him were unfiltered, unaltered, unmasked. People say you feel butterflies in your stomach- I felt pterodactyls. I wouldn’t even know what to say or how to act around him. When his little brother told me he had feelings for me, I faltered. I did, too, but no where near to the feelings I had for his older brother. And so, I let him go. Our friendship died overtime. He grew distant and cold. I didn’t really know who he was anymore, and that chapter in our lives ended too soon.

The older brother had pulled me within his orbit long before I realized it. There was a year where all I could think about was him- he was my first and last thought in my mind every day. Needless to say, that year in school fucking sucked. I had put in only an eighth of my studying efforts into that year. And yes, it was brutal. When I look back at it now, I want to slap myself in the face for being so stupid and blind. I knew exactly what he was going to do to me, and I knew exactly what I should have done but I did not. I let him ruin me, I let him tear me apart top to bottom. He was my most recent ex, the only man I’ve loved so hard, so long, and so purely; and I will never love anyone that purely again. None of it was worth it. I am sick of being played, wronged, and left for selfish reasons. I went from two friends to one, to none.

I had a dream last night. The three of us were lying on a bed, watching a movie. I had laid myself over the two of them- my legs over my ex, and my head propped on my hand and elbow on his brother’s lap. We were friends again. I felt so serene. I felt happy, something that hasn’t happened to me for a time now. But I woke up this morning and I returned to reality. They’re not a part of my life anymore. I don’t want them to be. I don’t want to be reminded of how I failed in keeping the two people I cherished the most. We’re not friends anymore. We are all just memories of each other.

it’s 2:41 in the morning and i’m still thinking about you.

but really, fuck you because i shouldn’t be.

i’ve only had 1 measly shot and a pint. i’m no where close to being tipsy let alone drunk (i’m not gonna go there again). yet my entire self just feels down and simply, sad. not sad because i’ve been dumped but sad because it’s hit me i’ve lost good friends. you and your brother. and your parents. you said we can still be friends. we’re not friends anymore. we don’t talk. you don’t talk to me. and why should i talk to you? why should i initiate? i’m done initiating. i’m done being the one who tries all the time, the one who actually thought things through and decided things were worth trying. i’m done being the one who gets played by you and i’m done feeling worthless because of you. you can take your amazing new career down to the states, away from me, far away from me, and never speak of it again. you can find that beautiful robotic humanoid projection of your mind (pretty sure she’s caucasian) and live happily ever after as business partners in and out of your career life. you can find happiness in being someone so important, someone with so much face that everyone will know who you are on the streets (please. just please) and someone who has everything in the world but the one person who loved you for who you fucking are, knows you inside out and who loved you above all else and would have done anything to make the relationship work because clearly, there was nothing wrong with our emotional connection. but like you said, we just couldn’t “connect at the intellectual stage”. haha. fuck you. that is all.

1 month, 11 days

This post’s really just for me self reflecting out loud. You’re more than welcome to read it, and discover what is happening inside my head but I warn you, it’s going to be very messy, very disorganized, and very raw.

It’s almost valentine’s day and really yeah i don’t give a shit that i’m single. i remember last year you didn’t even say anything to me let alone do anything. i simply posted a heart onto your wall. there was no reply, no reciprocation. ok, i thought, because that’s just who he is and he doesn’t like to celebrate these little dates i guess. but he also made it private- that like cogwheel icon- which means he controls who’s able to see my post. which comes right back to a really big issue i had: he was still hiding me from public.

like the fuck dude. YOU were the one who told me to stop hiding you from MY friends. and guess what I DID. YOU were the one who wanted me to flaunt you and it wasn’t that i didn’t want to- oh trust me i could flaunt you if i really wanted to- but that i didn’t want you to order me and tell me what to do with my account. had i ever told you to flaunt me? no. you would flaunt me yourself if you felt like i was worthy of it. whatever. don’t give a fuck.

yeah remember those flowers you got me for our 1 year and told me to post them up? but to make it so that your mother can’t see that i posted it? yeah. yeah you’re a dick. and yeah i was stupid not to realize that that was totally wrong. but i listened to you anyways because i didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. whatever. don’t give a fuck.

honestly, i think you really took me for granted. you’d only reply to questions that you want to reply. you’d ignore the questions that you didn’t think was worth your time- because i wasn’t worth your time. you know that i was into you way more than you were ever into me and that i can be easily played by you- you were able to make me do whatever it took to make you happy, to make you love me, to make you stay. wow i sound so incredibly stupid and retarded right now.

all those guys that want to get into my pants? yeah, it’s a real thing. you want to give ryan a piece of your mind? why didn’t you, and why don’t you? saying these things now doesn’t help me or you, so maybe just maybe don’t even try. you were all about jealously yet you did nothing except told ME to stop. you said the issue wasn’t me but the guys. what the fuck was i supposed to do then? if it bothered you, maybe you should have done something. or maybe i just wasn’t worth the time and effort but if you kept saying you were jealous you’d have a reason to be overly crazy and angry – and you know that i’d do anything to stop you from feeling that way – and because you’d be angry you could ignore me without me actually realizing why. i would have thought you were ignoring me because you were angry. but it’s just an excuse for you not to talk to me and to do your own thing.

i think i’m still pretty pissed about that bullshit of ‘im stuck in front of the computer all day, i dont want to come home and stare at it or the phone all night too’. you’re always on your fucking phone. you really think i wouldn’t notice? you’d always be on your phone watching crossfit videos. my messages would always pop up. you just chose to ignore them. you were the one who cut of our communication. you know it. and you wanted to. you know it was impossible for me to talk to you when im school except via our phones. so unless you’re saying that talking to me has absolutely no value to you, you were the one who caused our communication to break down simply because you don’t want to stare at the screen talking to me but rather stare at the screen watching men lift weights.

i absolutely fucking hate how i had done nothing wrong in our relationship yet i was the one who got dumped. if anything it should have been me. i should have left your stupid god damn fucking sexy ass the moment i realized that you will never give me the love that i give you. you were the one who fucking ripped me away from someone who loved me more than you could ever have and i voluntarily left him for you because you were my unfinished business and i loved you to the core- i loved you when you threw me away and i still loved you when you told me to go explore other guys. i trusted you when you said you wanted me and i trusted you when you said “don’t you see how good we are together?” and i don’t fucking trust people left right center. i only trust people who i think deserve my trust. who i know wouldn’t betray me and my feelings. i trusted you for nothing, and you know what? i will never ever trust you again. not with anything. you want to hear that im doing well? fuck you. i wont tell you shit. because i’m not even important to you- if i was never important to you as your girlfriend why the fuck would i be important as your ex?

one month, eleven days, and counting. bring it on you piece of shit of a heartbreaker. you’ll never get me to care about you anymore even though i can never stop loving you. my love runs so deep for you it’s ruining me. i have suppressed my feelings for you once, all those emotions, the hurt, the lust, the happiness, the sadness that you gave me and even though i have it suppressed it doesn’t suppress the fact that you were my everything. i love who i am. but you didn’t. you only loved what i could give you, you loved what i was capable of, and you loved the comfort i provided. but you didn’t love me, and you never did. i was a fucking FOOL to have believed you loved me even for a second. because love does NOT let you throw away someone the moment other plans come up. love does NOT blind you to these life ambitions but rather amplify them and makes you think about your life with that person. so no, don’t even say you loved me. because you OBVIOUSLY didn’t and you’re just fooling yourself. you know nothing. all you ever know is ambition and having everyone around you cater to your needs and if you’re not catered then you could throw them away. i hope to god, like the one you believe in, that you’ll one day suffer the consequences of using people like that. i hope one day you’ll understand my pain, every last drop of it and i hope one day you’ll ask me how to make it go away because i hope that one day ill be able to shove EVERYTHING into your face and make you feel how much pain and suffering my heart went through because of you.

You’re Better Off Without The One That Left You

You hear this everywhere and yeah, it’s cliche but there’s a reason why it’s a cliche, because it’s true. You are better off without the person who left you. There are so many valid reasons why a person leaves you. Sometimes, it may actually not be their fault. But life happens people. This is life, and life throws so much shit at you from personal shit to health problems, from literally from a world of happiness to a world of nothing, from a place of high status to a place where it is reviled. You cannot change the past, you cannot look back on all your mistakes and think how you could have been different to change the outcome. You can’t. What’s done is done, and what’s better is that you know you were being true to yourself without forcing yourself to change to hang on to something that is doomed from the start. The best part about moving on and moving forwards is that you’re so much fucking stronger than them. You got the shit they gave you, and you made something out of it. You were able to handle yourself so well you became an even better person than you would be if you still clung onto them. Emotions still happen. Anger is always there. Sadness and tears will happen spontaneously. They’ll creep into your thoughts. All of these things happen. But they shouldn’t stop you. Take a moment. Pause. Breathe. You’re still human afterall. But you’re also not. You’re a super human, who has been through the worst kind of pain, an emotionally broken heart. And you’re not a person who lets these things happen to you all the time. You’re a person who takes these experiences and make them a part of you. Building yourself into a stronger person. That is something they won’t get. That is something they won’t have the chance to experience with you and that is the ultimate loss.

So wipe your tears and get off your ass. There’s a whole life ahead of you that you’re wasting on by wallowing in your sadness. Get up and make them regret leaving you. Make yourself into a person who forgives but never forgets, who turns pain into strength, and protects their heart from all those pieces of shit.

Because you’re better off without them. You’re so much better off without them. You’re so fucking better off without them.

Why People Fall Out of Love

It happens. The extreme butterflies that you feel when you begin a new relationship, a new bond forging. The way your heart quickens at the sight and even hearing their name. They way they’re the first and last thing on your mind when you wake up and go to sleep every day. You can’t stop thinking about them, literally. Everything you do reminds you of them, and how you wish they were with you.

The relationship ensues. Happiness ensues. But to what ends? Fights start to occur. Differences start to appear. Values start to become clear, and this relationship, where you once thought is going to last forever, breaks apart into little pieces because one side just can’t handle it anymore.

A common explanation is “My feelings aren’t as strong anymore.”

Why? Why do feelings have to be such fleeting things? Nobody means to hurt anyone yet, it happens. Why is the heart such a fickle thing? How on earth can we claim that we love someone then? Why do feelings grow stronger or grow weaker? Is there a way to manipulate someone’s feelings so that they never stop loving you? How is that normal, how is that natural? Everyone talks about ‘the game’. But playing the game only has one purpose: to string the person out until they cave without letting them know exactly how strong you feel about them. Why must we do this to ourselves? Why do we play this damn game?

We crave something new. Fresh experiences. New feelings. It’s in our nature to love. But it’s also in our nature to keep finding someone else once we become comfortable. And there’s the rub- they just became too comfortable with you. There’s no more excitement for them, no thrill of the chase, just stability. And what’s a relationship without chaos, without drama? So they fall out of love. Slowly, unknowingly.. until it hits you. Both.

8 Unfortunate Signs You’re Unappreciated And Deserving Of Better | Thought Catalog

http://thoughtcatalog.com/christopher-hudspeth/2013/06/8-unfortunate-signs-youre-unappreciated-and-deserving-of-better/

Underappretiation is dangerous. I need to take a page out of this, and so should you.

A love that consumes you but kills you

The comfort stage. The stage where nothing exciting happens. Same shit different day. But at one point in life, there was excitement. There was fiery passion and there was love. The days that go by quickly because of work ends with the three words that can fill a heart with joy. The days where you cannot wait to feel the warmth of their skin against yours and the hugs that surrounded you with happiness… Now but empty memories just months past.

Now it’s a chore. There is no need or the feel of want to connect anymore. It is simply a part of your life now. Mundane. Boring. Nothing of interest. Even annoying, to feel needed. Quietness ensues. Then silence.

The Love that once consumed becomes the love that kills. There is no out.