You don’t love me; you love the idea of me.

I have this habit where I would be working on something completely academic (like these law notes I am supposedly studying) and suddenly I’d be having imaginary conversations with myself. Sound familiar? I hope I’m not the only one.

Funny thing is, I’d be having imaginary conversations with the man who broke my heart- I don’t really like labeling him with the ‘correct’ term for some reason because, well, I don’t really wanna go there just yet. Maybe I’m still in denial. Or maybe not after reading what I’m going to share.

Honestly, I’m not that sad anymore. I am sad of course, shit, sad as fuck but, I’m dealing with it in a manner I didn’t even know I could. And I think this definitely has to be thanked for by the FIRST time he broke my heart- I’m sure every ounce of emotions and feelings for him has been swept away the first time which leaves only a bit of residual for the second. The coping part, I mean. I loved him with all my heart yes. And that just got me thinking- how does someone never love you back when you love them so much?

So while talking in my imaginary conversation, I imagined him talking to me again. You know, just friends, catching up after years later. By then he would have had the best career experience in his life, become successful, find himself, and will be extremely content with his life. I, on the other hand, would be extremely content with my career because I’m picky. And my job would not be just any job, it would be a job I know I can be happy with. I’m making a good living for myself, loving what I do, and I have all my friends and family to spend time with. And then we’d start to reminisce, talking about that time we went to D&B and we got the jackpot twice. Yeah, I still remember. And then we’d fall silent, sipping on our respective drinks. I still care about you, he’d say. And I’d nod, and shrug my shoulders. Yeah, me too. I did love you, he’d continue. This time, I’d put down my cup, smile tartly, then quickly shake my head.

“No, you didn’t. I respect that you tried. But you never loved me. You only loved the idea of me.”

Where in the hell did I think of that response? I must admit, my eyes widened (not that anyone saw) when I thought of that response. It was funny because I’d continue the conversation and I’d see him shaking his head. Believe what you want to believe, he’d say, just like he did when he decided we cannot continue our relationship. Then I’d smile again. I’ve done a lot of thinking about this you know. And I’m positive everything¬† that has happened between us only lead to that answer. You know why I didn’t cut the relationship off? Because I wanted it, I am committed to it, and I was the only one trying anymore. And obviously, it couldn’t work because it was only one side trying- I was tipping the boat onto its side either way.Yeah we both made sacrifices, but what sacrifices did you make of yourself to it? Cancelling a class doesn’t really count. I meant person-wise. You refused to make more time for me. You knew I had trust issues because of you yet, blame me that I have trust issues and that it wasn’t fair to compare. I don’t think that’s me trying to compare. I think those were the solid, hard facts. The hard facts stared straight at me: you will never give up your time for me without me asking. And of course, being the one who knows you, who loves¬† you, I would never ask you to give your own time up for me. I always just wanted you to do it yourself. That was the problem in the first place, you couldn’t sacrifice yourself for the relationship, and you weren’t committed to do so even though you showed so much promise in the beginning. My answer is that when you truly love someone, you can and will make those sacrifices. You can’t help it- you want this person. Caring isn’t loving but loving automatically includes caring.Those personal sacrifices are worth taking for this person whom you love. Whom you’re committed to when you first asked her out. Which lets me prove that you never loved me, only the idea of me. Or, alternatively, you’ve never actually experienced what real love is.

Damn, I should try writing some deep, relatable thought provoking articles for Thought Catalog or something. Or not. Maybe I’m just delusional. I felt like I wrote something grand but really, probably, I wrote some piece of crap that just sounds depressing and definitely points to the fact that I’m still in denial.

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What it’s like to be 5 days into a breakup

Actually, mellow.

Distractions are everywhere. You try to distract yourself. You also gain a sense of anger. Regret creeps in. Not the kind of regret that the relationship happened, it’s the regret that you didn’t stand up for yourself earlier. Always the giver, never the taker. Well, except now you took the dump. School is back. There are subjects to study for, things to focus on. But that doesn’t mean for one second that the heart is okay.

There’s no crying. It’s dried up, even the reserves in the heart. It’s bled it all out and now there’s just emptiness. But you’re slowly moving on. Maybe a millimetre every day. Always reminding yourself it’s for the better.

The ones who get dumped are because either they’ve done everything wrong or they’ve done nothing wrong. Doing nothing means placidity. Ok with everything. Everything is with the flow. But you shouldn’t be like that. Being placid is not good. You need your own needs. And meet them. You need to have your own goals.

But I don’t have them yet. I’m still trying to figure out what I want with my life. I want to know what I want to do with myself. I want to be like others who know what their end goal is. I have no idea. My future is hung up in the air waiting for me to come pull it. I thought I was able to handle a relationship while figuring myself out. Is that fair? I gave everything into the relationship. Was that right? I put the person’s needs before mine, was that necessary? Is that love or is that channeling my unknown future worries into what I believed to be love?

5 days into the breakup and life just seems exactly the same as it was before, during, and after my relationship.

Dear those who feel like they want to, or have given up:

I was studying until I suddenly realized, wow, I’m almost done school and it’s almost time to get a job. Literally, that was what happened just now.

Job. What the hell is my job going to be?? I got a boyfriend who’s 25, making some solid money with IBM and I’m almost 22, studying for physiology which I will never use after I’m done this course. Who knew 3.5 years makes such a difference?

But it isn’t school we need to worry about. It’s about what you’re going to do with yourself after. Are you studying what is needed for life? Are you giving up because it doesn’t matter? Every choice that we make, makes a huge impact on our future. Every choice- that includes the night you should have been studying but instead went out to get drunk- on a Thursday. Maybe that extra few hours was the deciding factor between pass or fail. And then you go on this spiral of self loathing ‘damn it self, why are you getting such bad grades?’ and depression. But you, young one, should know that academics will be the least of your problems.

It is what you’re doing right now that is going to bother you the most after school. Regrets are going to come back and haunt you- why didn’t I study harder? Why did I let myself borderline fail my third year? Even worse, why did I waste all my time in school giving up instead of trying to make up for it to make my future a little brighter? I will tell you, I have given up thousands of times over these past 5 years in school, both on school and co-op terms. I had told myself that I can never do well on my midterms no matter how much I studied, I can never contribute to my varsity team’s wins because I’m not good enough, that I am a disappointment to all of those around me, and that my boyfriend will one day realize that I am a complete mess of a person and that he deserves a more well-put, successful, beautiful girl.

But then, what have I ever done to try and change this? Nothing.

I gave up because it was easier than fighting back.

You are studying because you can. You are totally capable of being one of those nerds. And you are able to stand on your own and live a full, successful life. It starts with doing things for yourself. As much as you feel like you need people to help you along the way, you are the only one who can make the biggest change in yourself. You are a winner- you need to tap into that part of your psyche that says I am a boss.

So how did I tap into mine? Anger. Anger that I’ve let myself fall and instead of picking myself back up, laid there. Anger that people I know who are equally as intelligent as me have a very happy life without seeming to make much effort while I made myself have an unhappy life. Anger that I was so insecure and was always belittling myself. Anger that all it took to change my gears was a thought:

Am I really going to keep waiting for people to understand me? They don’t, and they don’t need to. I don’t give a shit about what people think of me anymore- that includes my friends, my boyfriend, anyone. As long as I know I am going down a morally right path, I will do whatever it takes for myself to succeed in life.

I’m back in the game, bitches.

Maybe he’s in it just for the sex.

So I haven’t blogged in a long awhile. This is quite spontaneous of me.

I guess I just wanted to put some of my thoughts out here, coherently (I’ll try). Thoughts about my future, thoughts about everything that’s going on around me.

My life’s pretty mundane. Got school, assignments, projects, presentations, food to cook, people to talk to, drama to resolve, boyfriend to see. Guess I rarely do the latter though- and it’s not easier since he’s leaving for good ol Florida in less than a week’s time. He’ll only be there for a week but, damn it, I’m totally free that weekend. What am I supposed to do at home now?

And then there’s my dreary future after university. In the best case scenario, I’ll get my degree and find a nice job to get me started with making money, doing things I always wanted to do without school invading my time, like going to the gym (shh, excuses). I’ll like the job, have a steady income, be happy with my career life. In the worst case scenario, I’ll not get my degree. LOL, alright well, I’m pretty sure I will. So the next worst case scenario is me getting my degree, not finding any job, and having my boyfriend move to the states for his new job. Wut.

I have friends who always joke about getting married and having babies and whatnotcrap us girls always talk about. But honestly I hate it whenever I hear those jokes. I don’t think it’s a joke. It’s serious, and it’s especially serious when I don’t even know if I’ll make it that far in this relationship. I don’t feel like I will- and don’t blame me because my boyfriend even explicitly said we are no where close to being there yet. I guess…it hurts? It’s the truth yes, but it hurts still, how am I supposed to control that? Who wants to hear that their relationship has a mysterious end where it’s 50/50 chance of it not working out. Who wouldn’t try to make it work out? Who wouldn’t want to encourage their other half (sorry, is that too cheesy a term?) that they will get through it together? Those aren’t lies, they won’t be lies if you try. And it sucks, you know, knowing that they’re so literally down to earth they don’t even see the emotional side of these talks. Why am I so obsessed with finding a job? Because if I don’t, I’m basically done with my relationship. There is no way in hell my boyfriend would accept that- I mean yeah, who would want to date someone who can’t get a job? I already know I will struggle. And it sucks, just waiting for it to loom towards me and I can’t do anything about it.

Man but seriously, if you were (or are) the boyfriend of a girl, whom you’ve date for over a year now, would you say that? Would you tell her we’re not there yet and that when the time comes we’ll see if it’ll work out? If not then…you’ll cross that bridge later? Like what? Is there no sense of will to fight for it, instead of letting it just be? In that case, why not date another girl? Date another girl who doesn’t care if the relationship won’t work out, is just as down to earth as you. There’s no positivity. There’s no honest effort in trying to make it work- just whatever is, is. Call me lame, call me idealistic, call me out of my mind. But I know there are so many men out there who take much larger steps, willing to put it out on the line visibly, and willing to let everyone know that he loves this girl and that he will do anything for her. He still hides me from his family in the sense that he doesn’t put pictures up. and then tells me to hide the fact he bought me flowers from them- but to still put a picture up. It’s like he’s ashamed to show how much he loves me to his family. If he even does. Maybe he’s just in this relationship for the sex he gets out of it.

And it hurts, okay? I know what it feels like to be hurt. I have been hurt, and I have done the hurting. Doesn’t matter how much tolerance I’ve built up. I still feel something.

Things to Think About

Last night we were lazing in my room, both of us literally half asleep- it was about 11:30 pm and he had come over for a short visit after a few beers with his co-workers. I was dozing off for a bit until I saw him just lying there looking at my ceiling. I asked him what was wrong and he shook his head and said nothing, just thinking. He had the same thinking face from before. So I asked him what he was thinking about and he gave me an awkward smile/chuckle. “Nothing,” he said.

It’s strange how as we grow older the more we become paranoid. At that instant, I was thinking that he was thinking about us. Why did I think that he was thinking that? Perhaps it was because of the thinking face he had on. Or maybe it was because we were lying on my bed doing nothing and just lazing. It’s amazing how the lack of activities can make you think. What was he thinking about? I don’t think I’ll ever know. And that’s it- we will never know, we can only make educated guesses. You can’t know what a person’s thinking about because it’s a web of things, and maybe something totally unrelated in that web of thoughts affects the train of thought in something else. Have I confused you yet? Same.

If he was thinking about us, would it have been a good thought or a bad thought? Was he thinking “Man, I don’t think I can do this anymore”, or “Man, this is great”. I don’t think I’ll ever know. Or maybe he was thinking “My cleans are getting smoother”, or “IBM sucks”. Who knows. The best I can do is guess. So that leads me to my own train of thought: Why guess when the answer is right in front of you? Don’t guess. Take it as it comes.

Karma

I actually believe in karma. And it’s not revenge, it’s ‘what goes around, comes around’. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you –I think that’s the most useful thing I’ve learnt from the Bible. And quite frankly, it seems that karma is always around me, when people have done me wrong, they feel the repercussions later. When I do something wrong, it comes back to haunt me in another form. And that’s what scares me- it comes back to haunt me in another form. For example, I was guilty for making fun of someone, a little too loud. Then I completely embarrass myself in public the next day. It’s happened to me so many times I can’t even tell you the details. When one of my exes dumped me for another person (unsuccessfully though), I ended up doing the same. Is that karma’s doing? Is that karma telling me that the debt has been paid? Will I get karma-ed for that? Will my boyfriend leave me if one of his exes want him back? I won’t know. Even though I feel like I’ve been treated more unfairly than fairly, all I can hope for is that karma can sympathize with me and give me this break.