What if you had only 1 day left to live?

my friend told me to watch the movie, If Only, today. thanks sistah from another mistah.

and as if i could not love Jennifer Love Hewitt anymore- the fact that she helped direct the movie just made it even sadder. I hope she didn’t really go through all that pain in real life. i was literally bawling at the first dinner scene. girl, you just took the words outta my own mouth.

“I know you have the best intentions, but I feel like I’m a really high second priority to you. That hurts. And the worst part is I’m starting to get used to it.”

what the fuck?! no woman should ever feel like that. and every word she said was true. sure, you know he loves you, you’re not doubting that. but if he is unable to even treat you like you’re worth it, forget about his words. you can tell by the actions, and his efforts. words are really, just words. if he really cherished you, loved you above all else, you can tell. it emanates from him. you even feel overwhelmed (in a GOOD way mind you) by the feeling of it. The next couple lines did it for me as well.

“I don’t understand.”

“I know. And that’s what kills me.”

of course, nobody can relive a traumatic experience. life isn’t like that. if you’re dead, you’re fucking dead. too late to regret now not tell her how much she actually meant to you. what’s the point? if it takes her death to move you to say it, then something’s wrong. do you really love someone? then don’t fucking hide it. appreciate them. and just love them.

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How To Keep Yourself Sane

Being able to smile when being slightly misunderstood is good upbringing. When you’re wronged and you smile with calmness, it is generosity. When you’re being taken advantage of and you can smile, you’re being open-minded. When you are helpless and you can do a philosophical smile, you’re in a calm state. When you’re in distress and you can laugh out loud, you’re being generous. When you’re looked down and you can calmly smile, you’re being confident. When you’re being jilted in relationships and you can smile it off, you’re being suave.

– Li Ka Shing (Hong Kong Billionaire)

 

I also found that as a secret to keeping yourself sane. a smile is such a powerful thing when it means something. you can tell what the smile means. if it’s genuine, or if it’s just for show. if it’s hiding something important, or if it’s sarcastic. looks don’t kill, a smile does. and there is just so much that goes into pulling those lips up.

I’ve gone through several real life scenarios and even now, it’s amazing how much effort it had actually taken me to be who I am today. Yes, just like everyone else, I suffered my first heartbreak the worst way possible, ie. crying, mood swings, snappy, throwing things, ripping up paper (of past memories), cursing the whole world, unable to think of a reason why you deserve it. just to name a few. but then i took a good look at myself. in the mirror. hair all disheveled and unkempt. my face had gotten bloated from all the junk i had been eating as comfort foods, and i was in horrible shape. how in the world did a random person in the world do this to me, without actually being here? (technically, right?) so i started to clean myself up. and when thoughts started to go back to him, i would verbally yell out the names of the objects i physically see at the moment to distract my mind: “you need to wash your face. get that facewash right in front of you and wash your fucking face.” you know what? that helped me. every. single. time.

so it doesn’t matter how bad things are right now or how frustrated you may be. live your own life and improve yourself before even thinking about anyone else.

Between Loving Someone, and Being In Love.

sitting there, listening to him speak about his amazing travels and how he wished he should have taken the job down south instead of staying here. there it is again, there just is no sugarcoating anything with him. practical, and realistic. to him, love doesn’t mean expressing it vividly in public or telling you that all he ever wants to do is to be with you. because he doesn’t, and there are things to be done, places to be seen. to him, it’s all about how you fit around him, not the other way around. if it is inconvenient for him, he won’t do it. love to him is encouragement and support, and just knowing the other person is there.

i used to be like that. that was how i was brought up- the most meaningful relationship is the one where you don’t spend your time thinking about them every single second of your life, but just knowing and trusting the relationship itself. i used to share his views on a relationship- i don’t know why it’s changed. to me now, if you can’t stop telling yourself they’re amazing and how lucky you are everyday to be with them, you aren’t in love. so what’s the difference between loving someone, and being in love with someone?

being in love leads to loving. but that shouldn’t mean that you stop being in love with them. it’s like an infinite grey area, and the ‘in’ makes or breaks the definition. doesn’t that make sense? it should. is it possible to love someone and NOT be in love with them? it is.

you love your family. are you in love with them? no…not in this context. your love for them is strong as ever and you would do anything for them- but you are not romantically linked to them. that is how it feels when you love someone without being in love with them.

now the question to ask yourself is: are you in love with them, or simply just love them?

There is no such thing as too busy.

you wake up at 5 a.m. in the morning.  you reach for your work phone and you see emails from your boss and co-workers on it from the night before it and ignore them for later. you need to shower and brush your teeth for the day.

you put on your clothes, wash up, eat breakfast. you read the newspaper, make yourself some coffee, buttered toast with scrambled eggs and sausages from the freezer. you look up at the time and with a sigh put away the papers to get your car keys. you shrug on your coat and head to work.

traffic sucks and you’re stuck listening to Katy Perry on almost every radio station and you become sulky when a love song reminds you of your shitty past relationship. after an hour in rush hour traffic you reach your office and realize there were no parking spots left in the main parking lot so you had to exit the parking lot to drive over to the other parking lot that required you to walk an extra 5 minutes to your building. you arrive at your desk to a shitload of paperwork and you bury yourself in your work, even forgetting that it was your sister-in-law’s birthday today and that there was a dinner tonight. nope, can’t go, you told yourself as you wanted to facedesk upon the paperwork your co-workers left you (i.e. pieces of shit- first word read on the paper and you knew you had to correct the entire thing). you skip lunch, only taking a momentary break to go empty your bladder and possibly bowel. you grab a nasty cafeteria lunch while you’re at it and bring it back to your desk, only to have the gravy from the pre-made mashed potatoes splutter onto them. you spend a good 10 minutes trying to understand what the brown splotch had blurred and realize that your chair broke because it wasn’t able to lean back anymore when you sighed and leaned back in exasperation. now your back is killing you. oh yeah, the emails from yesterday- have you gotten to them yet? you check your pocket for your extremely outdated phone that has a tiny-ass screen. 30 emails, including 3 from your superiors. awesome. you take a good 1.5 hours to clear up the mail and get back to the paperwork.

you leave a voicemail in your sister-in-law’s phone saying how sorry you are and that you’re still at work and can’t make it to her dinner. the office has died down and you are literally the last one left. the clock strikes 9 pm and you finally decide it’s time to leave this shit for tomorrow and go home.

at home you kick off your shoes, throw your clothes on the ground, climb into bed and pass out.

 

 

if you life was like this, then yeah, you’re too busy.

but if you have a girlfriend or boyfriend who you really love, there will always be time for them.

 

 

 

 

Today,

tell someone how much they mean to you. speak from your heart. it doesn’t have to be your SO. tell your parents how much you appreciate them. tell your best friend how much you love their support. tell your dog that he’s the best bundle of joy in your life.

happy valentine’s day.

How Do You Know?

How do you know they’re right for you? Is it the comfortable zone you get in when you’re around them, or is it the fact that you guys never run out of things to say? Do you guys fight? And if you fight, what happens? Do you talk it out or do you yell it out? Are the misunderstandings cleared or just pushed aside?

Sometimes it’s hard to think someone is right for you simple because, maybe, you guys have completely different interests. One loves baseball, the other loves reading. How do you get together to spend some quality time if that’s the case? Yet, you’re still with them. You don’t want to leave the other person. Why? When it’s so obvious that you two don’t really…match.

Maybe you guys grew up with different people. One person grew up in a very nerdy, geeky environment while the other grew up in a brash, boozey and partying environment. How can the two ever mix? Well…I guess there is the exception of a combination of the two: a nerdy party-goer. That’s pretty awesome.

I want to post this for a very selfish reason: I just want to complain a little. It’s not bad, I promise. Maybe you can empathize. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boyfriend very, very, very much and I am not thinking of going anywhere. So there’s my problem- I am extremely low maintenance (meaning I am undemanding of attention, let him have his own space while having my own, and seeing him like once or twice a week). But I also feel a little lonely at times- I know, that doesn’t mean I’m undemanding of attention right? Wrong. I feel lonely in the sense that I’m the only one in this. Sure he’s reassured me several times but hell, it’s like me telling you I’m actually a PhD student from MIT studying theoretical physics but, yes, I’m completely lying. It’s the effort, ladies and gents.

All the early feels and emotions before he started dating me…w-wait, where’d it go? The messaging and the want to talk to me, the want to see me… where did it all go? I’m probably being way too emotional and completely ignoring the fact that my head is telling me I’m being way too insecure. But when it all came down to the question: could and would I break up with him? I can’t say yes. And I don’t think I ever could. It’s someTHING, like, not even the concrete things such as interests…it’s just this invisible, tiny thread that is binding us for some unknown purpose… and I’m just not going to fight it anymore.

“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re yours, but if not, they never were meant to be.”