You’ll never change who you are.

You were shy when you were young. You were outgoing when you were only 4. You were picky with your foods, you hated swimming when you nearly had a drowning experience. But now you’re outgoing, making friends, more polite, more reserved, swimming, and eating everything off your plate.

No, you didn’t change. You only managed yourself in different situations.

People don’t change at their core. The only thing that changes is how they present themselves in public. The front for other people. Their face for their partner.

People don’t change who they are just because they act differently from before. Everything is just management. Everything is just learned from experience. This is what you should do in this environment.

You’ll never change who you really are. The question is who are you?

My Imaginary Life

I’d be exhausted after a full day’s work. But I’d be happy- content- because I was able to finish what I wanted to finish for the day. Sure I’ve got projects lined up for me like an ant colony but I’m doing exactly what makes me feel accomplished, talented, and most of all, happy. I’d be doing something that other people would use- I’d be useful. I’d be dressed professionally, and I’d feel great about my appearance, boosted by my self confidence and self esteem. I would be somebody in my field. I would be respected. I would be successful, and living comfortably in my quaint apartment, furnished with the bare necessities but in an elegant and minimalistic way because I love minimalistic. My cupboards would be full of ingredients for a delicious home cooked meal, sometimes, even after a tiring day at work. Because I treasure my health and I treasure my income- ordering out or going out will only be reserved for weekends or special occasions. I would look at my calendar and remind myself that my volleyball tournament is coming up soon. I would be excited.

Once I have settled down for the night with a small glass of wine, I would unwind on my little couch and watch whatever’s on. Then maybe, I’d pull out my phone and text him. Want to come over? I’d ask. A little personal company would be the perfect way to unwind. He’d come, of course, giving me that handsome sneer of his, and crash on the couch with me. He’d ask me how my day was and I’d ask him how his was. I’d tell him about my future plans for a little trip with my friends. And he’d ask if he was invited.

We would decide to watch a funny movie- or if I was feeling tired, a chick flick for me to fall asleep to- and when it would be over, it would be midnight. He’d get up and move over to me and we’d hug, before he decides to leave for the night. Thanks for coming, I’d say to him, honestly. He would linger a little as if wanting to say something but I start for the door. He would follow and say Of course.

And then he’d be off. I close the door and lock it, and put my wine glass into the sink. I will wash the dishes tomorrow morning before work. I turn off the kitchen lights and retreat into my single bedroom for a new day.

It’s Not You, It’s My Career.

We shook hands, exchanged smiles, and I saw something happen. This wasn’t the normal spark you feel when you meet someone for the first time. This wasn’t just a ‘I’d love to get to know him’ kind of spark, it …

Rereading Old Messages.

Now that my wisdom teeth are out, I get to spend my days in my room in bed doing nothing but wallow in pain. This also gave me the time to suddenly feel the need to look back on old skype messages with my ex. And the feelings I have now are beyond weird.

I felt his pain, last year. I felt the pain of wanting that person he doesn’t have. I’ve been feeling that pain for so damn long. And i know what he felt was real. At the time. I think it’s absolutely amazing what time does to a person. From never ending conversations to slowly fading to slowly finding flaws in that person you agonized over, to just dropping it altogether. It’s amazing how he was able to break me twice, even after I had told him, a long time ago, all my feelings for him and how he hurt me and I relived that pain. He had told me how sorry he was and how his heart dropped when he heard me and read what i typed out. He told me that he never wanted to hurt me and that he should have made me one of his priorities. He kept repeating that: i should have made you one of my priorities, but I didn’t. And he never did. He promised to treat me right. He really wanted us to work, even through the bad times so he claimed. I could feel it in his message. He was so desperate, to get me back, to love me, to tell me he loves me. He wanted to see me all the time, wanted to hang out with me, wanted to be there for me. Still wanted us to be independent but at the time, I was all he could think about. Why? and how did that change?

Feelings change. Feelings will always change. The question is why? And how?

1 month, 11 days

This post’s really just for me self reflecting out loud. You’re more than welcome to read it, and discover what is happening inside my head but I warn you, it’s going to be very messy, very disorganized, and very raw.

It’s almost valentine’s day and really yeah i don’t give a shit that i’m single. i remember last year you didn’t even say anything to me let alone do anything. i simply posted a heart onto your wall. there was no reply, no reciprocation. ok, i thought, because that’s just who he is and he doesn’t like to celebrate these little dates i guess. but he also made it private- that like cogwheel icon- which means he controls who’s able to see my post. which comes right back to a really big issue i had: he was still hiding me from public.

like the fuck dude. YOU were the one who told me to stop hiding you from MY friends. and guess what I DID. YOU were the one who wanted me to flaunt you and it wasn’t that i didn’t want to- oh trust me i could flaunt you if i really wanted to- but that i didn’t want you to order me and tell me what to do with my account. had i ever told you to flaunt me? no. you would flaunt me yourself if you felt like i was worthy of it. whatever. don’t give a fuck.

yeah remember those flowers you got me for our 1 year and told me to post them up? but to make it so that your mother can’t see that i posted it? yeah. yeah you’re a dick. and yeah i was stupid not to realize that that was totally wrong. but i listened to you anyways because i didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. whatever. don’t give a fuck.

honestly, i think you really took me for granted. you’d only reply to questions that you want to reply. you’d ignore the questions that you didn’t think was worth your time- because i wasn’t worth your time. you know that i was into you way more than you were ever into me and that i can be easily played by you- you were able to make me do whatever it took to make you happy, to make you love me, to make you stay. wow i sound so incredibly stupid and retarded right now.

all those guys that want to get into my pants? yeah, it’s a real thing. you want to give ryan a piece of your mind? why didn’t you, and why don’t you? saying these things now doesn’t help me or you, so maybe just maybe don’t even try. you were all about jealously yet you did nothing except told ME to stop. you said the issue wasn’t me but the guys. what the fuck was i supposed to do then? if it bothered you, maybe you should have done something. or maybe i just wasn’t worth the time and effort but if you kept saying you were jealous you’d have a reason to be overly crazy and angry – and you know that i’d do anything to stop you from feeling that way – and because you’d be angry you could ignore me without me actually realizing why. i would have thought you were ignoring me because you were angry. but it’s just an excuse for you not to talk to me and to do your own thing.

i think i’m still pretty pissed about that bullshit of ‘im stuck in front of the computer all day, i dont want to come home and stare at it or the phone all night too’. you’re always on your fucking phone. you really think i wouldn’t notice? you’d always be on your phone watching crossfit videos. my messages would always pop up. you just chose to ignore them. you were the one who cut of our communication. you know it. and you wanted to. you know it was impossible for me to talk to you when im school except via our phones. so unless you’re saying that talking to me has absolutely no value to you, you were the one who caused our communication to break down simply because you don’t want to stare at the screen talking to me but rather stare at the screen watching men lift weights.

i absolutely fucking hate how i had done nothing wrong in our relationship yet i was the one who got dumped. if anything it should have been me. i should have left your stupid god damn fucking sexy ass the moment i realized that you will never give me the love that i give you. you were the one who fucking ripped me away from someone who loved me more than you could ever have and i voluntarily left him for you because you were my unfinished business and i loved you to the core- i loved you when you threw me away and i still loved you when you told me to go explore other guys. i trusted you when you said you wanted me and i trusted you when you said “don’t you see how good we are together?” and i don’t fucking trust people left right center. i only trust people who i think deserve my trust. who i know wouldn’t betray me and my feelings. i trusted you for nothing, and you know what? i will never ever trust you again. not with anything. you want to hear that im doing well? fuck you. i wont tell you shit. because i’m not even important to you- if i was never important to you as your girlfriend why the fuck would i be important as your ex?

one month, eleven days, and counting. bring it on you piece of shit of a heartbreaker. you’ll never get me to care about you anymore even though i can never stop loving you. my love runs so deep for you it’s ruining me. i have suppressed my feelings for you once, all those emotions, the hurt, the lust, the happiness, the sadness that you gave me and even though i have it suppressed it doesn’t suppress the fact that you were my everything. i love who i am. but you didn’t. you only loved what i could give you, you loved what i was capable of, and you loved the comfort i provided. but you didn’t love me, and you never did. i was a fucking FOOL to have believed you loved me even for a second. because love does NOT let you throw away someone the moment other plans come up. love does NOT blind you to these life ambitions but rather amplify them and makes you think about your life with that person. so no, don’t even say you loved me. because you OBVIOUSLY didn’t and you’re just fooling yourself. you know nothing. all you ever know is ambition and having everyone around you cater to your needs and if you’re not catered then you could throw them away. i hope to god, like the one you believe in, that you’ll one day suffer the consequences of using people like that. i hope one day you’ll understand my pain, every last drop of it and i hope one day you’ll ask me how to make it go away because i hope that one day ill be able to shove EVERYTHING into your face and make you feel how much pain and suffering my heart went through because of you.

Dear New Girl,

I hope you’re madly in love with him, as he is madly in love with you. I hope that you are able to love his silly, goofy side when he makes those faces, and those ridiculous, silly jokes that make no sense and always end up being about how strong he is. I hope that you love his serious attitude about life, about work, about career and above all I hope you’re being the pillar that I wasn’t able to be for him. That one, solid pillar that he needs most now than ever, to support and motivate him in ways that would help him achieve his dreams. I hope that you’re being tough on him too, driving him to strive for those goals without ever making him feel like it’s unattainable. There will be a lot of times where he will be quiet and withdrawn- don’t worry, that’s because he’s either working, at the gym, eating, showering, or having his personal time with his family. I know, sounds almost impossible for you guys to talk. But don’t worry, there will be time made for you because he’s in love with you and knows you’re an integral part of his life, someone who he’d want to share his life with. He will be making sacrifices for you and I hope you appreciate them because he doesn’t do them for just anyone. I don’t know how he’ll be like when he’s with you but all I hope for is for you to treat him with respect and trust, as he is with you. I also hope, above all else, that you’re able to talk to him about things, important things, that matter to both you and him. That when he starts to muse about things you will listen and give input whether he asks for them or not. That you’ll be your own person and never, ever feel like you’re inferior. Your own opinions and values and goals are what shines out the most so I hope that you’ll be strong enough to talk to him about them.

And you don’t have to worry about me. Sure, we may still be friends when you are dating him but you’ll never have to worry about me. He cannot love me the way he loves you. I may love him, forever, but I am strong enough to know that that needs to stay where it belongs- in the past. You are his present and his future. His family will accept you whole-heartedly and will never be embarrassed to call you his girlfriend. His father would be just as silly and goofy as he is, but he is also extremely hard working and extremely intelligent and I am sure you’ll be able to see where he gets all of his traits and charm from. You will see why he is meticulous because you will see how his mother raised him. And his brother? You’ll know exactly how close they are by watching them and you’ll understand why he puts family first above all. He will never cheat on you, and he will never do anything to deserve your skepticism. He will protect you and love you and you will know. He will be independent but also be dependent on you when situations call for it. And I hope you can be there for him no matter what, when or where. You are his best friend and he trusts you to do the same.

You will feel like the luckiest girl in the world. From his personality to his looks, I guarantee you you will never be disappointed. I wonder how strong he is now. I know he’s hurt his shoulder a while back but I’m positive he’s back on track and lifting things beyond what he never thought was possible for himself. I hope you’ve got strong hands because he loves a good back rub. And if you ever get into a fight, just run your fingers through his hair slowly but firmly, and he’ll always be putty in your hands. When you go out for movies, take his arm and slowly, lightly, run your index finger nail down his biceps and forearm- he will squeeze your hand and let you know that that feels amazing. When you kiss him, don’t be forceful- the gentlest of kiss will show you everything he feels about you. And don’t worry about his hands- it’s a condition that I hope you’re able to see past and accept, even learn to never be bothered by.

We couldn’t work out because I couldn’t give him the one thing he needs the most in a relationship, which is motivation. To make his mind churn, make him focus on his goals. Help him to never lose sight of his dream, and to always support him whenever you see fit. But I hope that, by the time you are with him, he would have already achieved his goal so that all he needs is love. Honest, pure, unconditional love. Because if I could be a driving force for him, I would never have written this letter to you.