everything i should have said

so many times there have been things i wanted to say to people. all kinds of people, from the rude customers i get at work, to exes, to friends, to interviewers, to family members, to my boyfriend. but i never manage to get the right words out at the right time. my head speaks faster than my lips. i catch myself having trouble talking sometimes. it’s definitely some sort of problem but it doesn’t hinder me too much, at least i don’t think. it’s not really dyslexia-it’s more of a stutter problem. ew.

but here’s to everything i should have said to these people.

to the rude customers i get at work, calm your shit. you came here to this facility for a reason, so stop negotiating prices and pay what you owe. otherwise don’t give me your keys.

to my ex, when we broke up that night, all i got out of my mouth were tears. i am pretty sure i cried instead of talked. but what i should have said was thanks, for being the asshole to rip me apart twice in my lifetime, to give me hope and burn it, and for never being a boyfriend. thanks for breaking it off with me and giving me a reality check because i would have forever walked in your shadows, constantly trying to catch up to you, to be someone who i’m not, to be someone i thought you would love. thank you for having been in my life, and now forever out. stay out.

to my friends, you guys are one of my pillars. i would never have pushed myself to become better, laughed to relieve the pain in my heart, and cared for people who are not even my family. thank you for being there for me, for being my friends, for listening to me and asking me for advice. i am proud to call you my friends.

to interviewers, i’m extremely bubbly but don’t see it as airheadedness. i am dying to find something that challenges me, that makes me want to learn, to study out of my own accord, and to contribute to my field. i want to be useful. i want to do amazing work, to be an amazing employee, and to grow with the company. i promise that the work i will be given will be done to the best of my abilities because the energy that i put into playtime wants to be put into my career.

to my family members, thank you. thank you mom and dad, for being the ones who love me through thick and thin, from pissing me off to sacrificing yourselves for me. i know i am not your perfect child but i wouldn’t ask for better loving parents. even though we butt heads and you guys really anger me, im sure i anger you too. but even though i do, you guys never stopped loving me, taking care of me, and being parents. so thank you, and i love you.

finally, to my boyfriend. thank you. i never say this enough. heck, i never say i love you as often as i want to, as i should. these words scare me. ive said them so much in the past but its always ended up unreciprocated. my mind tells me i shouldn’t say it, but my heart screams it. so that’s why sometimes you’ll hear me squeak it out- and it would have been the biggest fight between my head and heart to say it. no, i’m not having second thoughts- it’s not that. the words are heavy. which is why i want to prove it to you, more than me saying it, even though i should say it more. you make me laugh, wholeheartedly, happily. whenever i’m with you, i’m so happy. you make me happy, you are literally, my happiness. you have never disappointed me (maybe once but that’s long forgotten) and you’re always, always there for me without fail. you have been my closest friend for a long time- there is no world without you. you are amazing, talented, hardworking and a beautiful soul. i will always have your back, and i am forever grateful that you chose me to be by your side. you are my life and the love i’ve always been waiting for. and i can’t wait to rule the world together with you. i love you from the bottom of my existence. thank you for everything you do.

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If everything was perfect

There would be no violence. No political bullshit, no terrorism, no broken hearts, no serial killers, baby killers, racism. There would be no poverty, no hate, no religious conflicts. If everything was perfect though, we would be worse off as the human race.

We wouldn’t know what it’s like to fight for freedom, to fight for our rights, to fight to be who we want to be. These fights make us stronger and wiser and confident. If everything was perfect I would not have fought with myself to tell myself it’s okay to move on from being wronged and to move on to someone that truly cares for you.

Because everything didn’t go perfectly, I got my heart broke again and I fell into sorrow again. But because everything didn’t go perfectly I saw who he really was and what he would do for you to make you happy. I saw his genuine nature, his kindness and his ability to make the best situation out of everything. He is patient and he fought through his own battles quietly even when all odds were against him. Because nothing went perfect for him we found each other, 8 years later.

Experience means you know what’s best right?

So many times I’ve heard them say “I love you” or “You’re the best” or “There’s nobody else I want”. I’ve heard it so many times I actually can’t feel excited or happy that somebody said that to me and I can almost say I’m immune to those words. Sure, you can say that now but let’s see you say that a year from now, or two, if we even get to that point. I know when I toss those words out I mean them. I won’t ever take them back. So experience has taught me one thing about love and relationships: the typical things said are simply not enough. And never believe them.

I guess that’s kind of sad that I can’t believe in those words that are supposed to bring joy and are supposed to mean everything to someone. But it’s okay. Because experience tells me that the next person that can blow my mind away without using such typical responses or typical phrases is probably worth getting to know. But when you’re struggling to find a full time job while filling your time with a useless part time job, it gets hard to find someone like that. And I’m not even ready to go out to meet new people, flirt, and make myself jump into a new relationship. I don’t even think about relationships anymore. And where many of my friends do, or at least are contemplating on them, I can only smile and talk about it to appease their interest in them.

He’s my best friend and I care about him to bits. He’s my rock whenever I needed to be grounded, he’s my comfort whenever I needed to cry, and he’s always always there without fail, without disappointment. But experience means you know what’s best right?

Sometimes my subconscious needs to suffer too

I pulled into my driveway, and saw Tifa. She was as cute as ever and as I got out of the car….whose car was it… I called to the dog. She yawned, and suddenly he calls out to her. She leaps towards him. Like she always did in reality.

His mother came out of nowhere. She extends her arms and gives me a hug. How are you, she asked. I said Okay, shakily. She gave a prim smile.

Next thing I knew, we were all inside my house. I went upstairs to change but I heard him follow behind me. I went into my room. He followed me in. My clothes were strewn everywhere, but he didn’t even talk to me and went straight to my full length mirror as if I didn’t exist. He was looking at himself. Then he left, without another word. He started to go back downstairs. I remember my body walking on its own.

“Stephen,” I called down.

“What?” He responded, half turning his head. It was the first time he acknowledged me in the dream. 

I felt angry. I felt an immense wave of sadness. But for some reason, I didn’t respond after that, and hid behind the closet door away from the view of the staircase. I heard the floorboards creak under his weight slightly, as if he was looking for me. Then it creaked, signifying he walked away. I slowly walked back out, starting to feel a heaviness in my chest. It must have made a sound because suddenly, he walked back out and made his way upstairs. I quickly went back into my room.

He came in, and I had my back turned to him.

Then I felt his arms around me. He was hugging me.

We exchanged a couple sentences, and then I imploded.

My knees found their way to the ground and I curled over, unable to take the pain, the crushing pain in my chest as I began to cry wildly. I cried until I needed to take a breath, and felt my body shuddering with my sharp gasps for air. His arms were still around me, and he never let go.

Until I woke up.

what is pain

it doesn’t matter what made you sad, how it happened or how long it will last. whatever makes you experience the pain of sadness doesn’t escape your memory easily. it could be a death of a loved one, loss of finances, a break up, a rough patch in your life where nothing falls into place, nothing is going well for you. your career might be falling apart, or you hate it so much you come home dead every day, or your children refuse to talk to you.

for me, a couple things have gotten me very down and i’m sure i’m not the only one. after realizing the job i had landed before was nothing i had expected to be, including being a victim of unecessary pickiness and a non-encouraging environment, i had to leave it for the sake of my sanity. coming home everyday frustrated and angry and depressed wasn’t my idea of a good start to my career.

on top of that, i had recently found out my ex has a new girl now. which i’m sure she’s an amazing person. but that part of me just knows, she’s the reason why he left me. no matter how many times i tried to wrap my head around the reason he told me, “you aren’t a motivational drive for me”, it just couldn’t make sense to me. and so, when i had accidentally found out about this new girl, it all made sense. everything hit home. they met at his gym, where he basically lived, and she was a lifter. yes, that was all she had to be to have something going. and so i bawled, again, after 9 months of being as strong as i could to carry past the initial hurt, like a baby. everything hurt as much as the first time he left me to “explore with other guys” and the second time when he pulled me away from another man back into his arms just to leave me again. it’s so easy to handle it on the surface. it’s so easy to just shrug it off and say ‘it was for the best’ or ‘he wasn’t worth it, now i know’ but you can’t just dismiss memories, and experiences, like it was nothing that was worth remembering. every fucking memory in your life is worth remembering. that month of work, where my manager picked on the most ridiculous details to seeing another girl post on my ex’s post was very painful.

what is pain? is it that physical clenching of the heart or a physical wound which causes you to bleed or is it tears that just can’t stop when they had to, or rolling yourself into a ball in the washroom hoping nobody sees you? loving them to the ends of the earth only to have the dream of being together shattered by technical reasons is painful. having to leave someone you love because they’re not ready to face the world is painful. there are so many definitions of pain. but my personal definition of pain is how my heart feels since the beginning of the year. it’s in constant pain. it feels like theresĀ  a dead weight on it, unable to be lifted no matter how much i distract myself, how much i drive myself forward, how much i see friends, help them, or spend time with family. it’s like it’s caving in on itself, and honestly, i’m a little scared.

i can barely feel a pulse when i put my hand over it, and as i lie down in bed to get through another day, i can hear its faint beating in my ears.

that’s my pain.

“Have you ever wanted to forget?”

“If it’s something you’re meant to forget, you will. Without even thinking you want to forget it. Because, the more times you think you want to forget, the stronger those memories become, right? So doesn’t that mean that, deep in your subconscious, you think you really shouldn’t forget them?”

Woke up to a hurting heart.

I woke up from a dream this morning with my heart cringing in pain. In the dream my brother was going off to vacation with his girlfriend and was passing things off to me to take care of while he packs up, getting ready to leave. He was so happy. I was happy. Then my phone starts to go off in my pocket, must have been accidentally turned on, and I see all these pictures of me and him, laughing. He was smiling and laughing in all of them, genuinely, and it made me hurt so bad. I saw his face so clearly. I remember I turned off my phone and started scrambling around my room trying to remove any objects that reminded me of him. And then my brothers belongings spill out of his bag, pictures of him and his girlfriend, cuddling, smiling, in love. I started to cry uncontrollably.

I woke up with my heart in pain. And it still is in pain. His face is etched in my mind, his laugh, his smile, that picture. I can’t forget it. And it hurts.

From Two to One to None.

I know these two guys- brothers- and they were my real close, good friends. Were, as you noted. No, we’re not close anymore, let alone good. We used to play together, eat together, hang out together. I used to love watching them bicker in the brotherly fashion they used, all those sassy, sarcastic and drop dead hilarious comments they threw at one another. I knew nothing, absolutely nothing, would come in between or break this bond. And the worst part was I had developed feelings for both of them. And so did they. But I loved the little brother in the sense that I felt like he was my own little brother. I loved the older brother romantically. He was my world, everything and anything I’ve wanted. He could have asked me to do groceries for him and I would have done it in a heartbeat. I was head over Hell for him. It was horrible, immature, and very, very raw. These feelings for him were unfiltered, unaltered, unmasked. People say you feel butterflies in your stomach- I felt pterodactyls. I wouldn’t even know what to say or how to act around him. When his little brother told me he had feelings for me, I faltered. I did, too, but no where near to the feelings I had for his older brother. And so, I let him go. Our friendship died overtime. He grew distant and cold. I didn’t really know who he was anymore, and that chapter in our lives ended too soon.

The older brother had pulled me within his orbit long before I realized it. There was a year where all I could think about was him- he was my first and last thought in my mind every day. Needless to say, that year in school fucking sucked. I had put in only an eighth of my studying efforts into that year. And yes, it was brutal. When I look back at it now, I want to slap myself in the face for being so stupid and blind. I knew exactly what he was going to do to me, and I knew exactly what I should have done but I did not. I let him ruin me, I let him tear me apart top to bottom. He was my most recent ex, the only man I’ve loved so hard, so long, and so purely; and I will never love anyone that purely again. None of it was worth it. I am sick of being played, wronged, and left for selfish reasons. I went from two friends to one, to none.

I had a dream last night. The three of us were lying on a bed, watching a movie. I had laid myself over the two of them- my legs over my ex, and my head propped on my hand and elbow on his brother’s lap. We were friends again. I felt so serene. I felt happy, something that hasn’t happened to me for a time now. But I woke up this morning and I returned to reality. They’re not a part of my life anymore. I don’t want them to be. I don’t want to be reminded of how I failed in keeping the two people I cherished the most. We’re not friends anymore. We are all just memories of each other.

When You Can’t Let Go of the One Who’s Bad for You

Your heart’s in a million pieces, glued together carelessly and terribly. You can’t control these feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, and you think you’re okay because you’re angry- being angry helps. Being angry lets you feel more powerful, more competent. Being angry lets you feel you’re in control of yourself once again.

And then you turn into putty once he messages you, or simply snapschats or post something up on social media.

You start to cry, you start to reminisce and you start to feel weak and powerless and stupid again. He was everything to you and you gave, literally, everything to him. You thought this was going to be serious, a serious commitment, a serious relationship where just because a person cannot be your career advisor while she’s in school doesn’t mean this can’t work out. You gave him more chances than he should have received, and even though you gave up everything for him, he never gave up anything for you. He gave up objects and objectifiable things yes, but he never gave up what you gave up- emotions, feelings, happiness for a chance at you two. She believed that there could have been more happiness, like he promised. He promised they were going to be good. He couldn’t keep that promise for the second month in.

When you can’t let go of the one who’s bad for you, you feel like you’re drowning. In your own pool of sadness, that ridiculous, stupid, unneeded sadness. You know he never emotionally satisfied you, you know he never gave his heart to you. It doesn’t matter what a person is like- when a person truly falls in love and loves a person, love WILL make them do whatever it takes to keep that person. You will try so hard to make it work, because you love that person. You will never give up on a person because of a career goal. You will try to make that person work with your goal. You will never try to turn it against that person, nor guilt trip her, nor tell her that you want to be friends but never make an effort to remain so. You will not leave her hanging every single time she attempts to reach out, as friends. She will drift, drift away slowly, but surely.

When you can’t let go of the one who’s bad for you, you have to let go of the person who’s clinging on to the one who’s bad for you. Shed that person away. Shed your emotions, shed your efforts, shed your friendship. Because that someone who’s bad for you shouldn’t be your friend. And that person who’s clinging on cannot be your friend. Strip her away. Delete her. Rip her away from your heart, body, soul.

You will never remember her, and the one who was bad for her, again.

Holding back tears with people

I’m at a friend’s hotpot event for one of their going away party- hosted beautifully and generously by his girlfriend. and everyone is here, laughing having great fun with friends, girlfriends, boyfriends. And it really stood out to me how these couples treated each other. They’d show affection by lightly touching a shoulder, by scooping food for their partner, by sharing drinks.  The way they talk and the way they do things for each other, the extent they would go to to do things for their partner.  My eyes welled up and I asked for the washroom.

Cultures make so much difference. It’s really true.