everything i should have said

so many times there have been things i wanted to say to people. all kinds of people, from the rude customers i get at work, to exes, to friends, to interviewers, to family members, to my boyfriend. but i never manage to get the right words out at the right time. my head speaks faster than my lips. i catch myself having trouble talking sometimes. it’s definitely some sort of problem but it doesn’t hinder me too much, at least i don’t think. it’s not really dyslexia-it’s more of a stutter problem. ew.

but here’s to everything i should have said to these people.

to the rude customers i get at work, calm your shit. you came here to this facility for a reason, so stop negotiating prices and pay what you owe. otherwise don’t give me your keys.

to my ex, when we broke up that night, all i got out of my mouth were tears. i am pretty sure i cried instead of talked. but what i should have said was thanks, for being the asshole to rip me apart twice in my lifetime, to give me hope and burn it, and for never being a boyfriend. thanks for breaking it off with me and giving me a reality check because i would have forever walked in your shadows, constantly trying to catch up to you, to be someone who i’m not, to be someone i thought you would love. thank you for having been in my life, and now forever out. stay out.

to my friends, you guys are one of my pillars. i would never have pushed myself to become better, laughed to relieve the pain in my heart, and cared for people who are not even my family. thank you for being there for me, for being my friends, for listening to me and asking me for advice. i am proud to call you my friends.

to interviewers, i’m extremely bubbly but don’t see it as airheadedness. i am dying to find something that challenges me, that makes me want to learn, to study out of my own accord, and to contribute to my field. i want to be useful. i want to do amazing work, to be an amazing employee, and to grow with the company. i promise that the work i will be given will be done to the best of my abilities because the energy that i put into playtime wants to be put into my career.

to my family members, thank you. thank you mom and dad, for being the ones who love me through thick and thin, from pissing me off to sacrificing yourselves for me. i know i am not your perfect child but i wouldn’t ask for better loving parents. even though we butt heads and you guys really anger me, im sure i anger you too. but even though i do, you guys never stopped loving me, taking care of me, and being parents. so thank you, and i love you.

finally, to my boyfriend. thank you. i never say this enough. heck, i never say i love you as often as i want to, as i should. these words scare me. ive said them so much in the past but its always ended up unreciprocated. my mind tells me i shouldn’t say it, but my heart screams it. so that’s why sometimes you’ll hear me squeak it out- and it would have been the biggest fight between my head and heart to say it. no, i’m not having second thoughts- it’s not that. the words are heavy. which is why i want to prove it to you, more than me saying it, even though i should say it more. you make me laugh, wholeheartedly, happily. whenever i’m with you, i’m so happy. you make me happy, you are literally, my happiness. you have never disappointed me (maybe once but that’s long forgotten) and you’re always, always there for me without fail. you have been my closest friend for a long time- there is no world without you. you are amazing, talented, hardworking and a beautiful soul. i will always have your back, and i am forever grateful that you chose me to be by your side. you are my life and the love i’ve always been waiting for. and i can’t wait to rule the world together with you. i love you from the bottom of my existence. thank you for everything you do.

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what is pain

it doesn’t matter what made you sad, how it happened or how long it will last. whatever makes you experience the pain of sadness doesn’t escape your memory easily. it could be a death of a loved one, loss of finances, a break up, a rough patch in your life where nothing falls into place, nothing is going well for you. your career might be falling apart, or you hate it so much you come home dead every day, or your children refuse to talk to you.

for me, a couple things have gotten me very down and i’m sure i’m not the only one. after realizing the job i had landed before was nothing i had expected to be, including being a victim of unecessary pickiness and a non-encouraging environment, i had to leave it for the sake of my sanity. coming home everyday frustrated and angry and depressed wasn’t my idea of a good start to my career.

on top of that, i had recently found out my ex has a new girl now. which i’m sure she’s an amazing person. but that part of me just knows, she’s the reason why he left me. no matter how many times i tried to wrap my head around the reason he told me, “you aren’t a motivational drive for me”, it just couldn’t make sense to me. and so, when i had accidentally found out about this new girl, it all made sense. everything hit home. they met at his gym, where he basically lived, and she was a lifter. yes, that was all she had to be to have something going. and so i bawled, again, after 9 months of being as strong as i could to carry past the initial hurt, like a baby. everything hurt as much as the first time he left me to “explore with other guys” and the second time when he pulled me away from another man back into his arms just to leave me again. it’s so easy to handle it on the surface. it’s so easy to just shrug it off and say ‘it was for the best’ or ‘he wasn’t worth it, now i know’ but you can’t just dismiss memories, and experiences, like it was nothing that was worth remembering. every fucking memory in your life is worth remembering. that month of work, where my manager picked on the most ridiculous details to seeing another girl post on my ex’s post was very painful.

what is pain? is it that physical clenching of the heart or a physical wound which causes you to bleed or is it tears that just can’t stop when they had to, or rolling yourself into a ball in the washroom hoping nobody sees you? loving them to the ends of the earth only to have the dream of being together shattered by technical reasons is painful. having to leave someone you love because they’re not ready to face the world is painful. there are so many definitions of pain. but my personal definition of pain is how my heart feels since the beginning of the year. it’s in constant pain. it feels like theres  a dead weight on it, unable to be lifted no matter how much i distract myself, how much i drive myself forward, how much i see friends, help them, or spend time with family. it’s like it’s caving in on itself, and honestly, i’m a little scared.

i can barely feel a pulse when i put my hand over it, and as i lie down in bed to get through another day, i can hear its faint beating in my ears.

that’s my pain.

From Two to One to None.

I know these two guys- brothers- and they were my real close, good friends. Were, as you noted. No, we’re not close anymore, let alone good. We used to play together, eat together, hang out together. I used to love watching them bicker in the brotherly fashion they used, all those sassy, sarcastic and drop dead hilarious comments they threw at one another. I knew nothing, absolutely nothing, would come in between or break this bond. And the worst part was I had developed feelings for both of them. And so did they. But I loved the little brother in the sense that I felt like he was my own little brother. I loved the older brother romantically. He was my world, everything and anything I’ve wanted. He could have asked me to do groceries for him and I would have done it in a heartbeat. I was head over Hell for him. It was horrible, immature, and very, very raw. These feelings for him were unfiltered, unaltered, unmasked. People say you feel butterflies in your stomach- I felt pterodactyls. I wouldn’t even know what to say or how to act around him. When his little brother told me he had feelings for me, I faltered. I did, too, but no where near to the feelings I had for his older brother. And so, I let him go. Our friendship died overtime. He grew distant and cold. I didn’t really know who he was anymore, and that chapter in our lives ended too soon.

The older brother had pulled me within his orbit long before I realized it. There was a year where all I could think about was him- he was my first and last thought in my mind every day. Needless to say, that year in school fucking sucked. I had put in only an eighth of my studying efforts into that year. And yes, it was brutal. When I look back at it now, I want to slap myself in the face for being so stupid and blind. I knew exactly what he was going to do to me, and I knew exactly what I should have done but I did not. I let him ruin me, I let him tear me apart top to bottom. He was my most recent ex, the only man I’ve loved so hard, so long, and so purely; and I will never love anyone that purely again. None of it was worth it. I am sick of being played, wronged, and left for selfish reasons. I went from two friends to one, to none.

I had a dream last night. The three of us were lying on a bed, watching a movie. I had laid myself over the two of them- my legs over my ex, and my head propped on my hand and elbow on his brother’s lap. We were friends again. I felt so serene. I felt happy, something that hasn’t happened to me for a time now. But I woke up this morning and I returned to reality. They’re not a part of my life anymore. I don’t want them to be. I don’t want to be reminded of how I failed in keeping the two people I cherished the most. We’re not friends anymore. We are all just memories of each other.

Holding back tears with people

I’m at a friend’s hotpot event for one of their going away party- hosted beautifully and generously by his girlfriend. and everyone is here, laughing having great fun with friends, girlfriends, boyfriends. And it really stood out to me how these couples treated each other. They’d show affection by lightly touching a shoulder, by scooping food for their partner, by sharing drinks.  The way they talk and the way they do things for each other, the extent they would go to to do things for their partner.  My eyes welled up and I asked for the washroom.

Cultures make so much difference. It’s really true. 

My Imaginary Life

I’d be exhausted after a full day’s work. But I’d be happy- content- because I was able to finish what I wanted to finish for the day. Sure I’ve got projects lined up for me like an ant colony but I’m doing exactly what makes me feel accomplished, talented, and most of all, happy. I’d be doing something that other people would use- I’d be useful. I’d be dressed professionally, and I’d feel great about my appearance, boosted by my self confidence and self esteem. I would be somebody in my field. I would be respected. I would be successful, and living comfortably in my quaint apartment, furnished with the bare necessities but in an elegant and minimalistic way because I love minimalistic. My cupboards would be full of ingredients for a delicious home cooked meal, sometimes, even after a tiring day at work. Because I treasure my health and I treasure my income- ordering out or going out will only be reserved for weekends or special occasions. I would look at my calendar and remind myself that my volleyball tournament is coming up soon. I would be excited.

Once I have settled down for the night with a small glass of wine, I would unwind on my little couch and watch whatever’s on. Then maybe, I’d pull out my phone and text him. Want to come over? I’d ask. A little personal company would be the perfect way to unwind. He’d come, of course, giving me that handsome sneer of his, and crash on the couch with me. He’d ask me how my day was and I’d ask him how his was. I’d tell him about my future plans for a little trip with my friends. And he’d ask if he was invited.

We would decide to watch a funny movie- or if I was feeling tired, a chick flick for me to fall asleep to- and when it would be over, it would be midnight. He’d get up and move over to me and we’d hug, before he decides to leave for the night. Thanks for coming, I’d say to him, honestly. He would linger a little as if wanting to say something but I start for the door. He would follow and say Of course.

And then he’d be off. I close the door and lock it, and put my wine glass into the sink. I will wash the dishes tomorrow morning before work. I turn off the kitchen lights and retreat into my single bedroom for a new day.

The Exes That Try To Be Friends

I think I’ve posted something along the lines of ‘can exes every be friends’ and I think, my conclusion came to a no. Everybody knows that. But, is there a slight possibility that against all odds amongst the heart breaking, the anger and frustration and the guilt that it’s still possible to be just friends? Friends who care about each other without yearning to be in a relationship, friends who accept they have history, accept they loved each other but just knows they can’t be together?

Well, I’m sort of in this rut. From the devoted (and maybe overly doting) girlfriend, back to my original, normal, tomboy sweats-allday-errday getup self. Now that I think about it, it’s quite terrifying to see how I had been pushed deeply to my feminine side when I was dating. Not that it’s a bad thing- I now have a great appreciation for sexy dressy outfits and shoes. (AREN’T YOU SO PROUD OF ME?) The man who dumped me though, I feel, has never experienced the wrath of a truly unforgiving woman. Which luckily, I am not. In fact, some people say I’m too forgiving and I’m being taken advantage of. Truth be told, that’s how I find it easier to remain friends with him.

Does this friendship work? Well, I know I still have feelings for him. But I also know I’ll never, ever get back together with him, as much as my heart wants to. This time, my brain is telling me that he isn’t worth it. Third time is NOT the charm with these things. There is no way someone has so little self respect that they let themselves fall for the same person 3 times. I at least respect myself enough not to let it happen. So when we talk, it’s fine. No, seriously. It’s pretty nonchalant. I treat him like I do my other male friends. I don’t seek him out actively. When things remind me of him, I smile, remembering, but I never let it make me sad. Although, I would not, again, actively seek out things that remind me of him. Funny thing was, he texted me today, and I told him I missed his super adorable dog, to which he replied saying how I can visit her (at his house mind you) whenever I wanted.

Um. Let’s rewind a bit. That’s a little insensitive, no?

I mean, I’m cool with being friends. But to push it isn’t cool. Is that an invitation to his house? He’s inviting me, the girl he broke up with, back to his house to see his dog. Let’s just leave it at that.

I think the real answer to this topic is it definitely relies on the breakup-ee. This person, assuming having done nothing wrong to cause the breakup, gains all the power they lost when they got dumped. They now hold the power to either be friends or not. And as a stranger on the internet, I give you my advice: don’t try to make them miserable. You’re better than that. Things can’t be forgotten, but they can be forgiven. And you have every right to feel angry and frustrated but just ask yourself if it is worth losing a friendship over something you know deep down wasn’t going to work anyways.

Thought Catalog: Why I Can’t Stay Friends With The Girl Who Broke My Heart

Thought Catalog: Why I Can’t Stay Friends With The Girl Who Broke My Heart. http://www.google.com/newsstand/s/CAIiSENBRVNNSFJoWnpwbmIyOW5iR1V1WTI5dExESXdNRFU2Y21WaFpHVnlMMmwwWlcwdlpEVTRaalEwWm1KbVpXRXlPV1JtWWlnQSpkCAQiENQdjNmPALIE6YAJmOz4Qn4qTggAIhDUHYzZjwCyBOmACZjs-EJ-KjgICiIyQ0FFU0gyaDBkSEE2THk5MGFHOTFaMmgwWTJGMFlXeHZaeTVqYjIwdlptVmxaQzhvQUFQAVAB

Sometimes, it’s better to not know.

A Tiffany & Co. present can’t be from anyone else.

As we all know, Tiffany & Co is the universal symbol of love and nothing is a greater sign of love and happiness from your significant other. You can’t beat it- it’s sparkly, it’s gorgeous, and it’s pant-ripping expensive. It is the ultimate present that your boyfriend gets you so don’t be fooled by any others trying to buy one for you- those don’t mean anything. Friends can’t buy friends Tiffany & Co- it’s just isn’t right. All those heart pendants, those key necklaces, those gorgeous rings- too awkward to buy for a friend. Even the ‘Mom’ pendant — what is THAT doing there?? What on earth is Tiffany & Co thinking, making a ‘Mom’ pendant? Yuck. They have to get rid of that. How do those even make revenue?

Of course, when it is your birthday, your boyfriend must be the one to buy you something from Tiffany & Co. It is the only acceptable present allowed. If he doesn’t pay for the entire present, he doesn’t love you, sorry hon. He simply couldn’t spend a minimum of $165 on you- that’s a shame. I mean if I was a newly full timer, I would totally spend all my money on objective presents and spending everything I’ve saved up on a potential partner. Not to mention my parents would totally agree that I am spending my money wisely. But hey who cares? At least now you’ve reeled this girl in good because you bought her a ring from Tiffany & Co that isn’t one of their engagement rings. And now her parents will expect you to keep buying Tiffany & Co presents, something of equivalent value or more, every birthday, every milestone for the rest of your life. God how I wish I could be living this life right now.

If your friends try to get you a Tiffany & Co ring, be careful- it isn’t coming from your boyfriend. It won’t have the same value- it’s not from your love. Your friends should buy you something else – a tshirt, or some more body lotion which you’ve already stockpiled because that’s what friends are good for. Your friends shouldn’t be getting you a Tiffany & Co present because it’s just way too weird. They’re not in love with you, why are they buying you something from Tiffany & Co?

Sorry all you single ladies. A Tiffany & Co present can’t be from anyone else but your boyfriend. If you want something from them, you better get one first.

No, really, I don’t mind.

Says no one ever.

God, I swear, I will find all of those selfless people in this world and hug them and be their friend and forever be their slaves. Oh that’s right, no one is like that. Ever. Wait how did I drift off into this..oh right. I’m ranting again. So of course, the boy gets sick literally two days before he comes up to visit me in the land of greyness (I live in Ontario, guess) so I spent this last weekend studying and getting my shit done for school. It was cool. But I’m like retardedly busy for the next…2 weeks and he just really doesn’t want to come up. Oh that’s right…his gym comes before me. Yeah, I get it, he paid for the lessons. But DON’T say you want to come up for a night, then kinda squeal on it. It’s like giving a lollipop to a child then just before he eats it happily you snatch it back and lick it. Kid cries, obviously.

What’s that about the gym? Yeah, he’s big into it and I understand that’s his thing. And yeah, he had a lesson that he paid for that he missed for the first few times? (don’t look at me, none of that was MY doing). And coming up might be “a bit too much” for him…after he literally said “i don’t really mind coming up for a night though” and a “maybe i’ll come up friday evening”. Please. Just don’t. If you really don’t wanna, don’t. Stop doing that. It really SUCKS to hear it. Say what you mean, and mean what you say, please. SERIOUSLY. I gave you an option and it would have been fine if you said you couldn’t right off the bat instead of trying to coat it then give me hope then make it crash down on me. I’m honestly sick of it.

You know, spending a little time with me wouldn’t kill you, would it? Yeah, I totally forgave you for being sick that wasn’t on you. But hey, you’ll be fine by the end of the week. You know what, me missing you a lot just seems wayyy too creepy as your girlfriend. So creepy man. God, why does she miss me so much?! The horrors. None of your other roommates miss theirs– OH RIGHT. one lives with him in the same room, the other sees him every other week while HER boyfriend comes to see her for the other weeks. Yeah, THAT’S effort. HM. WONDER WHY THEY DON’T MISS THEM AS MUCH AS ME. You know, I shouldn’t even be missing you at all. I’ve got my friends (and their boyfriends of course) and I’ve got school. Yeah. I’ve got my varsity team and I’ve got myself. So what’s the difference between being my boyfriend and being my friend.

And I’ve already told you, if i was ALLOWED to go home, I would’ve, in a blink of an eye. But I can’t, okay, so why is it such a struggle for you? I guess I’m really just there for convenience. I should get this whole bad bitch vibe going instead of always being so placid and understanding. I understand too much. I give no room for myself to feel equal in this. I’m always giving and never getting. I don’t get it. If it were me, I would do whatever it took to see him in a heartbeat. I mean, that’s what people do….when they like each other right?

We’re just friends, goddamn it.

How do we define friends?

I have a friend. I am a female and he is a male. We haven’t been friends for too too long, only a couple months. But conversation came easy- we joked and laughed and made fun of each other without hard feelings. It was a good friendship. There was no physicality in this friendship- no touching, no physical flirting. But still, people believed something was happening between us- and I have a boyfriend.

How do we define friendliness? How does being nice to somebody equate to you having feelings for them? How do people jump to the conclusion about two people who are really, simply, just friends? Can two members of the opposite sex not be friends? Is sexual attraction so strong in the human nature that friendship is nothing more than our innate sense of reproduction ??

Friendship happens when two people care for the others company. If there was nothing in common or nothing you like about that person enough for you to hang out with, friendship would not exist. This happens for any combination of the sexes. Humans cannot live long alone. They need company. And a person who is just like you is good company because you can be yourself with them, and they are comfortable to be around. It’s like hanging out with yourself only, an actual conversation can happen. It does not mean you have to have any romantic feelings for them. Sure it is a great teaser, let’s be serious.. But in all honesty, it shouldn’t be something to joke about. Feelings change- maybe what was once a good friendship can be destroyed by rumors.

Friendship COULD lead to relationship but it is not inevitable. We may laugh and have a great time but at the end of the day our hearts know who we will be with and who we want to be with.

Don’t let other people ruin your friendships. They are a beautiful thing and friends are what keeps us strong when there is a need for a hug, a laugh, or celebration for the good times.