When You Can’t Let Go of the One Who’s Bad for You

Your heart’s in a million pieces, glued together carelessly and terribly. You can’t control these feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, and you think you’re okay because you’re angry- being angry helps. Being angry lets you feel more powerful, more competent. Being angry lets you feel you’re in control of yourself once again.

And then you turn into putty once he messages you, or simply snapschats or post something up on social media.

You start to cry, you start to reminisce and you start to feel weak and powerless and stupid again. He was everything to you and you gave, literally, everything to him. You thought this was going to be serious, a serious commitment, a serious relationship where just because a person cannot be your career advisor while she’s in school doesn’t mean this can’t work out. You gave him more chances than he should have received, and even though you gave up everything for him, he never gave up anything for you. He gave up objects and objectifiable things yes, but he never gave up what you gave up- emotions, feelings, happiness for a chance at you two. She believed that there could have been more happiness, like he promised. He promised they were going to be good. He couldn’t keep that promise for the second month in.

When you can’t let go of the one who’s bad for you, you feel like you’re drowning. In your own pool of sadness, that ridiculous, stupid, unneeded sadness. You know he never emotionally satisfied you, you know he never gave his heart to you. It doesn’t matter what a person is like- when a person truly falls in love and loves a person, love WILL make them do whatever it takes to keep that person. You will try so hard to make it work, because you love that person. You will never give up on a person because of a career goal. You will try to make that person work with your goal. You will never try to turn it against that person, nor guilt trip her, nor tell her that you want to be friends but never make an effort to remain so. You will not leave her hanging every single time she attempts to reach out, as friends. She will drift, drift away slowly, but surely.

When you can’t let go of the one who’s bad for you, you have to let go of the person who’s clinging on to the one who’s bad for you. Shed that person away. Shed your emotions, shed your efforts, shed your friendship. Because that someone who’s bad for you shouldn’t be your friend. And that person who’s clinging on cannot be your friend. Strip her away. Delete her. Rip her away from your heart, body, soul.

You will never remember her, and the one who was bad for her, again.

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Dear New Girl,

I hope you’re madly in love with him, as he is madly in love with you. I hope that you are able to love his silly, goofy side when he makes those faces, and those ridiculous, silly jokes that make no sense and always end up being about how strong he is. I hope that you love his serious attitude about life, about work, about career and above all I hope you’re being the pillar that I wasn’t able to be for him. That one, solid pillar that he needs most now than ever, to support and motivate him in ways that would help him achieve his dreams. I hope that you’re being tough on him too, driving him to strive for those goals without ever making him feel like it’s unattainable. There will be a lot of times where he will be quiet and withdrawn- don’t worry, that’s because he’s either working, at the gym, eating, showering, or having his personal time with his family. I know, sounds almost impossible for you guys to talk. But don’t worry, there will be time made for you because he’s in love with you and knows you’re an integral part of his life, someone who he’d want to share his life with. He will be making sacrifices for you and I hope you appreciate them because he doesn’t do them for just anyone. I don’t know how he’ll be like when he’s with you but all I hope for is for you to treat him with respect and trust, as he is with you. I also hope, above all else, that you’re able to talk to him about things, important things, that matter to both you and him. That when he starts to muse about things you will listen and give input whether he asks for them or not. That you’ll be your own person and never, ever feel like you’re inferior. Your own opinions and values and goals are what shines out the most so I hope that you’ll be strong enough to talk to him about them.

And you don’t have to worry about me. Sure, we may still be friends when you are dating him but you’ll never have to worry about me. He cannot love me the way he loves you. I may love him, forever, but I am strong enough to know that that needs to stay where it belongs- in the past. You are his present and his future. His family will accept you whole-heartedly and will never be embarrassed to call you his girlfriend. His father would be just as silly and goofy as he is, but he is also extremely hard working and extremely intelligent and I am sure you’ll be able to see where he gets all of his traits and charm from. You will see why he is meticulous because you will see how his mother raised him. And his brother? You’ll know exactly how close they are by watching them and you’ll understand why he puts family first above all. He will never cheat on you, and he will never do anything to deserve your skepticism. He will protect you and love you and you will know. He will be independent but also be dependent on you when situations call for it. And I hope you can be there for him no matter what, when or where. You are his best friend and he trusts you to do the same.

You will feel like the luckiest girl in the world. From his personality to his looks, I guarantee you you will never be disappointed. I wonder how strong he is now. I know he’s hurt his shoulder a while back but I’m positive he’s back on track and lifting things beyond what he never thought was possible for himself. I hope you’ve got strong hands because he loves a good back rub. And if you ever get into a fight, just run your fingers through his hair slowly but firmly, and he’ll always be putty in your hands. When you go out for movies, take his arm and slowly, lightly, run your index finger nail down his biceps and forearm- he will squeeze your hand and let you know that that feels amazing. When you kiss him, don’t be forceful- the gentlest of kiss will show you everything he feels about you. And don’t worry about his hands- it’s a condition that I hope you’re able to see past and accept, even learn to never be bothered by.

We couldn’t work out because I couldn’t give him the one thing he needs the most in a relationship, which is motivation. To make his mind churn, make him focus on his goals. Help him to never lose sight of his dream, and to always support him whenever you see fit. But I hope that, by the time you are with him, he would have already achieved his goal so that all he needs is love. Honest, pure, unconditional love. Because if I could be a driving force for him, I would never have written this letter to you.

You don’t love me; you love the idea of me.

I have this habit where I would be working on something completely academic (like these law notes I am supposedly studying) and suddenly I’d be having imaginary conversations with myself. Sound familiar? I hope I’m not the only one.

Funny thing is, I’d be having imaginary conversations with the man who broke my heart- I don’t really like labeling him with the ‘correct’ term for some reason because, well, I don’t really wanna go there just yet. Maybe I’m still in denial. Or maybe not after reading what I’m going to share.

Honestly, I’m not that sad anymore. I am sad of course, shit, sad as fuck but, I’m dealing with it in a manner I didn’t even know I could. And I think this definitely has to be thanked for by the FIRST time he broke my heart- I’m sure every ounce of emotions and feelings for him has been swept away the first time which leaves only a bit of residual for the second. The coping part, I mean. I loved him with all my heart yes. And that just got me thinking- how does someone never love you back when you love them so much?

So while talking in my imaginary conversation, I imagined him talking to me again. You know, just friends, catching up after years later. By then he would have had the best career experience in his life, become successful, find himself, and will be extremely content with his life. I, on the other hand, would be extremely content with my career because I’m picky. And my job would not be just any job, it would be a job I know I can be happy with. I’m making a good living for myself, loving what I do, and I have all my friends and family to spend time with. And then we’d start to reminisce, talking about that time we went to D&B and we got the jackpot twice. Yeah, I still remember. And then we’d fall silent, sipping on our respective drinks. I still care about you, he’d say. And I’d nod, and shrug my shoulders. Yeah, me too. I did love you, he’d continue. This time, I’d put down my cup, smile tartly, then quickly shake my head.

“No, you didn’t. I respect that you tried. But you never loved me. You only loved the idea of me.”

Where in the hell did I think of that response? I must admit, my eyes widened (not that anyone saw) when I thought of that response. It was funny because I’d continue the conversation and I’d see him shaking his head. Believe what you want to believe, he’d say, just like he did when he decided we cannot continue our relationship. Then I’d smile again. I’ve done a lot of thinking about this you know. And I’m positive everything  that has happened between us only lead to that answer. You know why I didn’t cut the relationship off? Because I wanted it, I am committed to it, and I was the only one trying anymore. And obviously, it couldn’t work because it was only one side trying- I was tipping the boat onto its side either way.Yeah we both made sacrifices, but what sacrifices did you make of yourself to it? Cancelling a class doesn’t really count. I meant person-wise. You refused to make more time for me. You knew I had trust issues because of you yet, blame me that I have trust issues and that it wasn’t fair to compare. I don’t think that’s me trying to compare. I think those were the solid, hard facts. The hard facts stared straight at me: you will never give up your time for me without me asking. And of course, being the one who knows you, who loves  you, I would never ask you to give your own time up for me. I always just wanted you to do it yourself. That was the problem in the first place, you couldn’t sacrifice yourself for the relationship, and you weren’t committed to do so even though you showed so much promise in the beginning. My answer is that when you truly love someone, you can and will make those sacrifices. You can’t help it- you want this person. Caring isn’t loving but loving automatically includes caring.Those personal sacrifices are worth taking for this person whom you love. Whom you’re committed to when you first asked her out. Which lets me prove that you never loved me, only the idea of me. Or, alternatively, you’ve never actually experienced what real love is.

Damn, I should try writing some deep, relatable thought provoking articles for Thought Catalog or something. Or not. Maybe I’m just delusional. I felt like I wrote something grand but really, probably, I wrote some piece of crap that just sounds depressing and definitely points to the fact that I’m still in denial.

How to get over him.

It’s like forcing to throw up something you ate days ago. It’s like trying to hold your breath in your bathtub and hoping you wouldn’t have the reaction to gasp for air. It’s suppressing every single memory of him whenever your mind wanders back to it and you stop yourself with a pinch or something else to keep your mind away. It’s telling yourself it will never ever be good again, and you will never hold him the same way again and feel his lingering hand disappear forever. The love you have for him needs to go needs to hide and never resurface again. You have to do something that doesn’t remind you of him, doesn’t  remind you why you went back to him in a heartbeat. Everything reminds you of him. What can you do? Every breath hurts every heart beat hurts as if someone was clenching their fist around it and squeezing it with all their might. You never thought this would happen again. But it did. You’re a mess. But you have to go on. How do you go on like this. How do you accept the fact he’s really really gone from your life. How do you accept that love you’ve suppressed and resurface only to kill it completely is the love you will never feel for a person again? How can you get over someone who never loved as deeply as you, how can you have been with someone who never knew that you were capable of doing so?  How do you stop this. Make it stop. It’s crushing you. The heaviest weight. It’s not even a weight anymore. It’s your own body sinking into itself twisting and writhing until you’re a pile of nothing. It may have not been all for nothing but your love was all for nothing.

Thought Catalog: Why I Can’t Stay Friends With The Girl Who Broke My Heart

Thought Catalog: Why I Can’t Stay Friends With The Girl Who Broke My Heart. http://www.google.com/newsstand/s/CAIiSENBRVNNSFJoWnpwbmIyOW5iR1V1WTI5dExESXdNRFU2Y21WaFpHVnlMMmwwWlcwdlpEVTRaalEwWm1KbVpXRXlPV1JtWWlnQSpkCAQiENQdjNmPALIE6YAJmOz4Qn4qTggAIhDUHYzZjwCyBOmACZjs-EJ-KjgICiIyQ0FFU0gyaDBkSEE2THk5MGFHOTFaMmgwWTJGMFlXeHZaeTVqYjIwdlptVmxaQzhvQUFQAVAB

Sometimes, it’s better to not know.

Why Won’t He Commit to Me? [contains profanity]

Warning: This post is meant to be highly motivational but also highly criticizing. Read at your own discretion.

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Well, this is actually pretty simple. You and boy meet. You like boy, boy maybe likes you. You want to see where you guys can go. You guys meet up and stuff, get to know each other a little more, and then when you think he’s definitely gonna ask you out, he disappears. You go what the fuck and try to find him while he’s trying to avoid you at all cost. Big question is why? This just makes him look like a huge douchebag who just wanted you to suck his dick. So what’s the real reason why he won’t commit?

There are two routes, aka two possible answers and two possible answers only: He doesn’t see you in the future when he really thought about it, or he has no idea what to do.

In the first case, this basically means he needs to take a step back from all the fun flirting and re-evaluate his position with you right now. Sure it’s all fun and games and hot steamy make outs (with maybe sex) and nothing but ponies and rainbows but maybe you have a quirk that he just can’t work with. And no, this isn’t your fault. Everyone has their quirks. But he just can’t stand yours. You can’t blame him, nor blame yourself. This simply says you two don’t really fit. That’s that. There’s no alternative, crazy mind-blowing extraterrestrial explanation for it. He’s all up for the fun and games but if he sees himself settling down some day in the future..he just doesn’t see you as his wife material. This isn’t saying you AREN’T wife material- I’m saying you’re not HIS. So how else are you going to stop the budding relationship from progressing further? Stop the flirting, stop the contact- stop the train before its brakes break and there’s no turning back unless you crash and burn. That’s a possible explanation for why he doesn’t want to commit to you. And I will tell you some things that will make that man come running back to you, or at least, at some point in his life, realize that DAMN, I totally missed out on this girl.

The second case is better news, yet also ridiculously stupid. And frustrating. But hey, at least there’s a faint ray of hope for you. When a guy likes a girl but has no idea what to do to progress further, they always somehow mess it up. It’s funny because their shyness and absolute blockheadedness cause us feminine creatures to foam at the mouth because of their drastic change in personality. It’s like yesterday he was just teasing you and being all physical with you and being extremely flirtatious saying you have eyes that sparkle like the waters of Capri that you can feel your heart in your mouth and then the next day he’s dead somewhere in the mountains of Mordor and nobody can find him. Why? Because he doesn’t know what the next step is. He has no clue how to make you his; basically he’s a fucking noob. And the girl gets the shit end of the stick because we have no idea what’s going on- and yes, admit it, we think of a gazillion scenarios why he didn’t return that text- is he with another girl? am i just his booty call? did his phone die? he’s just ignoring me because he just wanted action? is he still sleeping? did he pass out drunk? we had such a good time what happened? did he actually not like me at all? was i too fake? was i too blunt? are my boobs not big enough? Meanwhile, he’s literally sitting at home pacing in circles because he doesn’t know what to do. He’s never asked a girl out before (or a girl like you before) and he doesn’t want to mess up and feel like a total idiot. If this is the case, you just have to give the boy some time, and GENTLY let him know it’s okay to ask you out.

Now, back to the topic: let’s assume you’re going through scenario one. How do you handle this?

This is a list of everything you need to do for yourself.

1. Be yourself. This is so simple yet the most important thing on the list. How do you expect someone will love you for who you are when you’re never who you really are? You can’t bend yourself to MAKE a person like you. Frankly, if you had to do that to catch someone’s attention, you already know deep down you can’t work this out with them. If you can’t be yourself, how do you expect them to be themselves? What happens if they fall for this fake you? How can you be like that for the rest of your life? It’s not even worth it, not even for one second. If they can’t accept you for who you really are, they forget it. Forget it, there is absolutely NO point in pursuing this any further. If they don’t like it, they can go suck it.

2. Be able to stand on your own two feet. Independence is SO key in a man’s checklist. Notice how I said man and not boy. If you’re all whiny and pouty and have no idea what to do after a problem and refuse to fight back, that already says a lot about you. You’re a quitter and you let life get the better of you. Nobody wants a loser, everybody wants a winner. Everybody will respect a winner. So you have to win. How do you win? You need to learn to fend for yourself. You have to stop relying on others, ESPECIALLY your partner. Your partner is not there as your life crutches, they’re there as your coach, your motivation, your goal. They are the ones that drive you to become independent because you know that in order to live in harmony, you need to be stable on your own first. We’re all human- that means we all mess up. But if he messes up, he needs to know that you won’t mess up because of him because you can stand on your own. And in the same sense of how you need him, he needs you too, so that when he falls, he knows that you will be able to pull him back up. As long as one stays standing, the foundation can always be repaired.

3. Realize your own worth. You can’t just sit back and cry because the man of your dreams crushed your hopes. I had that happen to me. And instead of running away, I faced it. I told it to his face. And he made me realize that I’m honestly so much better than this. I don’t need to wait around for him- he can’t just reserve me until he’s ready. No matter how hard I had fallen for him, no matter how much I loved him already, I needed to go. I needed to step away and take a look at the situation. He’s not coming back. I don’t NEED him to come back. I can be happy on my own. I can do this myself without him. I’ll prove him wrong my way. I forced myself to peel away from him as painful and absolutely crushing as it was, I had to do it all on my own. Because I’m better than this, I’m not some pathetic whiny little girl who relies on men to be boss in this world. So I stepped up my game. And guess what. He wanted me back so damn hard I had a hard time grasping that fact. I had actually given up on him that I wasn’t even able to take him back instantly. I had to think about it- and that made me realize that I WAS able to do things that I needed to do no matter how hard it was for me. Because I understood my own worth.

4. You’re better than him. And this is because you’re fucking better than him. If he doesn’t respect you for who you are, that automatically says he’s an asshole, and a pretentious fucker. Does he REALLY think he’s better than you? Don’t you relish the fact that you can absolutely crush him in your own way? Challenge him. Flaunt your own abilities. Because you don’t need a proud motherfucker in your life who can’t do anything else but gloat. All words and no action says he’s a pussy with dinky balls.

5. Be better, not bitter. There’s no use in crying over spilt milk. You want him to notice you? Get better in everything you do. Be driven to be successful. The human brain is an amazing thing. You CAN do ANYTHING if you REALLY wanted to. That’s right. He can ask you out. If he really wanted to. Be sassy and be able to back it up. Brains over makeup. At the end of the day, what really perks a man’s interest is your ability to have INTELLIGENT conversations with him. Or at least conversations where he can see that you’re intelligent.

6. Be realistic. Life’s a bitch, suck it up. What are you going to do? Self pity is the worst poison for yourself. Never self pity. That only gives you an excuse to be miserable and pathetic when all of that useless energy could be used to make yourself a better person. Nobody is going to like a pitiful person. It makes you look childish, and inexperienced in life. Life will constantly throw you shit and you can dodge them if you’re fast enough- but if it hits you, you have to learn to wipe it off and keep going at full speed. You can’t let it faze you like that. You will NEVER be able to win if you do.

7. He’s only worth it if he makes you a better person. Be honest. Just like being yourself. You have to be honest with yourself and everyone else around you WHO MATTER. One rotten apple spoils the whole barrel. You can’t waste your time and energy with toxic people, worthless people, or people who make you feel like shit. WHY would you want to be with them? You cannot expect everyone in this world to understand what you’re thinking or even begin to know what you’re thinking. You can NEVER get anywhere in life if you hang around people who look down on you, who makes you feel useless, or make you feel like you’re worthless. You will forever be groping in the dark and in the abyss of life while the light is still at the end of the tunnel and you’re just refusing to go towards it. You’re not the only one in the world who has had shit happen to them. What will make you different is how you overcame it. If he doesn’t make you a better person, in any way, it’s so OBVIOUS that he’s of no value to you in your life that a blind man would be blinded from its obviousness. You won’t be able to make yourself better that’s for sure. And you would just be going down that ladder of life.

8. Your own happiness comes first. If you’re not happy, he won’t be happy to be with you. Simple as that.

 

This is not meant to offend ANYONE and I am sorry if I did. All I’m trying to do is share my thoughts on this issue of commitment- and it all boils down to one point: Be your own amazing person. A person who glows happiness and confidence will attract ANYONE. This is how you play the game of relationships.

Why Is He Over Me? (So Fast..)

This is kind of embarrassing but I actually have weekly newsletters sent to my email from a relationship site that I signed up for couple years ago. I still haven’t unsubscribed and I still get their emails. It’s funny because I still read them; and I totally get what they’re saying. Their most recent one was about why it seems that men get over their failed relationships faster than women and I figured, why not share their wisdom?:

#1: Women are more emotional, men are more practical. Women feel , men think. Women prefer to judge their relationship with their hearts and how happy they feel in the relationship, whether being showered with attention or gifts, while men prefer taking each thing into consideration and seeing how they fit together. Which leads to the second point,

#2: It felt wrong vs. a solid reason. If the guy sees a solid reason why the relationship won’t work, that’s pretty much it. There is no point in trying to fix it because frankly, you can’t fix it. It’s like seeing a big hole in the basement of your 4 storey house- while the beautiful house itself is still functional, some day, sooner or later with time, it will fall, and when it falls, you get crushed with it. This is saying it’s hard to change a person. And everyone knows that. So what about the woman’s feelings, doesn’t she get a say? Well of course- but we women see things with our hearts if that made any sense. Our feelings flip flop- one day we’re confident something won’t happen, the next minute we’re crapping ourselves. That’s why it’s harder for us to get over someone- we keep going back to the ‘other side’ of our feelings and we question ourselves whereas the man takes it and leaves it.

#3: Talking as a solution vs. an actual solution. Just like the email said, talking for women IS the solution. We don’t actually need a tangible solution because “talking itself is therapeutic”. Men on the other hand, wants to see something happen, wants to see something done. He needs an actual solution which leaves him with only 2 options: yes or no.

#4: Communication styles. We’ve all heard this one before; women’s thoughts are dispersed in a very intricate web-like structure while men are…just left, right, up, or down. Men take things at face value generally speaking- and women love to overthink things, generally speaking. So when this happens…we get push and pulls every which way. He’s over you because that’s the way he’s wired to be: it’s either this way, or the other way. Women on the other hand are like: I know I ended it this way but what if it was supposed to be the other way? It becomes tedious, stressful and bluntly, annoying, when you confront an ex, who’s a male, like this.

 

If you’re suffering from this right now, just don’t take it personally. Everyone wants to protect their own interests; and it doesn’t mean that your man (or lady) didn’t care about you, nor loved you, it just means that they accepted that this is what it is and it is time to move on to find happiness for themselves. Doesn’t everyone deserve that? Things come to an end sometimes, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t real. Every experience you ever had was something to take into consideration and to heart; because these experience make you who you are today.

 

How Do You Know?

How do you know they’re right for you? Is it the comfortable zone you get in when you’re around them, or is it the fact that you guys never run out of things to say? Do you guys fight? And if you fight, what happens? Do you talk it out or do you yell it out? Are the misunderstandings cleared or just pushed aside?

Sometimes it’s hard to think someone is right for you simple because, maybe, you guys have completely different interests. One loves baseball, the other loves reading. How do you get together to spend some quality time if that’s the case? Yet, you’re still with them. You don’t want to leave the other person. Why? When it’s so obvious that you two don’t really…match.

Maybe you guys grew up with different people. One person grew up in a very nerdy, geeky environment while the other grew up in a brash, boozey and partying environment. How can the two ever mix? Well…I guess there is the exception of a combination of the two: a nerdy party-goer. That’s pretty awesome.

I want to post this for a very selfish reason: I just want to complain a little. It’s not bad, I promise. Maybe you can empathize. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boyfriend very, very, very much and I am not thinking of going anywhere. So there’s my problem- I am extremely low maintenance (meaning I am undemanding of attention, let him have his own space while having my own, and seeing him like once or twice a week). But I also feel a little lonely at times- I know, that doesn’t mean I’m undemanding of attention right? Wrong. I feel lonely in the sense that I’m the only one in this. Sure he’s reassured me several times but hell, it’s like me telling you I’m actually a PhD student from MIT studying theoretical physics but, yes, I’m completely lying. It’s the effort, ladies and gents.

All the early feels and emotions before he started dating me…w-wait, where’d it go? The messaging and the want to talk to me, the want to see me… where did it all go? I’m probably being way too emotional and completely ignoring the fact that my head is telling me I’m being way too insecure. But when it all came down to the question: could and would I break up with him? I can’t say yes. And I don’t think I ever could. It’s someTHING, like, not even the concrete things such as interests…it’s just this invisible, tiny thread that is binding us for some unknown purpose… and I’m just not going to fight it anymore.

“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re yours, but if not, they never were meant to be.”