You don’t love me; you love the idea of me.

I have this habit where I would be working on something completely academic (like these law notes I am supposedly studying) and suddenly I’d be having imaginary conversations with myself. Sound familiar? I hope I’m not the only one.

Funny thing is, I’d be having imaginary conversations with the man who broke my heart- I don’t really like labeling him with the ‘correct’ term for some reason because, well, I don’t really wanna go there just yet. Maybe I’m still in denial. Or maybe not after reading what I’m going to share.

Honestly, I’m not that sad anymore. I am sad of course, shit, sad as fuck but, I’m dealing with it in a manner I didn’t even know I could. And I think this definitely has to be thanked for by the FIRST time he broke my heart- I’m sure every ounce of emotions and feelings for him has been swept away the first time which leaves only a bit of residual for the second. The coping part, I mean. I loved him with all my heart yes. And that just got me thinking- how does someone never love you back when you love them so much?

So while talking in my imaginary conversation, I imagined him talking to me again. You know, just friends, catching up after years later. By then he would have had the best career experience in his life, become successful, find himself, and will be extremely content with his life. I, on the other hand, would be extremely content with my career because I’m picky. And my job would not be just any job, it would be a job I know I can be happy with. I’m making a good living for myself, loving what I do, and I have all my friends and family to spend time with. And then we’d start to reminisce, talking about that time we went to D&B and we got the jackpot twice. Yeah, I still remember. And then we’d fall silent, sipping on our respective drinks. I still care about you, he’d say. And I’d nod, and shrug my shoulders. Yeah, me too. I did love you, he’d continue. This time, I’d put down my cup, smile tartly, then quickly shake my head.

“No, you didn’t. I respect that you tried. But you never loved me. You only loved the idea of me.”

Where in the hell did I think of that response? I must admit, my eyes widened (not that anyone saw) when I thought of that response. It was funny because I’d continue the conversation and I’d see him shaking his head. Believe what you want to believe, he’d say, just like he did when he decided we cannot continue our relationship. Then I’d smile again. I’ve done a lot of thinking about this you know. And I’m positive everything  that has happened between us only lead to that answer. You know why I didn’t cut the relationship off? Because I wanted it, I am committed to it, and I was the only one trying anymore. And obviously, it couldn’t work because it was only one side trying- I was tipping the boat onto its side either way.Yeah we both made sacrifices, but what sacrifices did you make of yourself to it? Cancelling a class doesn’t really count. I meant person-wise. You refused to make more time for me. You knew I had trust issues because of you yet, blame me that I have trust issues and that it wasn’t fair to compare. I don’t think that’s me trying to compare. I think those were the solid, hard facts. The hard facts stared straight at me: you will never give up your time for me without me asking. And of course, being the one who knows you, who loves  you, I would never ask you to give your own time up for me. I always just wanted you to do it yourself. That was the problem in the first place, you couldn’t sacrifice yourself for the relationship, and you weren’t committed to do so even though you showed so much promise in the beginning. My answer is that when you truly love someone, you can and will make those sacrifices. You can’t help it- you want this person. Caring isn’t loving but loving automatically includes caring.Those personal sacrifices are worth taking for this person whom you love. Whom you’re committed to when you first asked her out. Which lets me prove that you never loved me, only the idea of me. Or, alternatively, you’ve never actually experienced what real love is.

Damn, I should try writing some deep, relatable thought provoking articles for Thought Catalog or something. Or not. Maybe I’m just delusional. I felt like I wrote something grand but really, probably, I wrote some piece of crap that just sounds depressing and definitely points to the fact that I’m still in denial.

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You’re Better Off Without The One That Left You

You hear this everywhere and yeah, it’s cliche but there’s a reason why it’s a cliche, because it’s true. You are better off without the person who left you. There are so many valid reasons why a person leaves you. Sometimes, it may actually not be their fault. But life happens people. This is life, and life throws so much shit at you from personal shit to health problems, from literally from a world of happiness to a world of nothing, from a place of high status to a place where it is reviled. You cannot change the past, you cannot look back on all your mistakes and think how you could have been different to change the outcome. You can’t. What’s done is done, and what’s better is that you know you were being true to yourself without forcing yourself to change to hang on to something that is doomed from the start. The best part about moving on and moving forwards is that you’re so much fucking stronger than them. You got the shit they gave you, and you made something out of it. You were able to handle yourself so well you became an even better person than you would be if you still clung onto them. Emotions still happen. Anger is always there. Sadness and tears will happen spontaneously. They’ll creep into your thoughts. All of these things happen. But they shouldn’t stop you. Take a moment. Pause. Breathe. You’re still human afterall. But you’re also not. You’re a super human, who has been through the worst kind of pain, an emotionally broken heart. And you’re not a person who lets these things happen to you all the time. You’re a person who takes these experiences and make them a part of you. Building yourself into a stronger person. That is something they won’t get. That is something they won’t have the chance to experience with you and that is the ultimate loss.

So wipe your tears and get off your ass. There’s a whole life ahead of you that you’re wasting on by wallowing in your sadness. Get up and make them regret leaving you. Make yourself into a person who forgives but never forgets, who turns pain into strength, and protects their heart from all those pieces of shit.

Because you’re better off without them. You’re so much better off without them. You’re so fucking better off without them.

She’s Not Allowed to Care.

Every love you had in your life- despite having failed in them, will always have a mark in your heart. Especially the ones that were good to you. The ones that were amazing but just wasn’t meant to be. I talked with a friend earlier and he had told me that his ex shouldn’t be allowed to care about him after dumping him. That after what she did to him, all the pain and suffering he felt, it just didn’t feel right for her to ever talk to him again.

As guilty for my past doing, I have dumped a guy not because of him but for another man. But..oh my wretched heart, it’s not like I don’t care about him anymore. I know I have left him and I know that he probably never wants to talk to me ever again but that is him, not me. For me, I still do care- I would like to know what he’s up to nowadays, how he’s doing. That doesn’t mean I’m going backwards no- it’s sort of like having a part of you in someone else and you just always want to be whole again but you can’t. It’s like that. It keeps propelling you towards them to seek them out even after doing what you did, because you did give a part of yourself to them. I don’t know if this is even right- but what is right or what is wrong? Are human emotions wrong?

But the fact that you broke someone’s heart does not mean you are an evil person. Everyone has their reasons- albeit socially acceptable or not. Nobody ever means to hurt someone on purpose,rather, we hurt people because we don’t know what we want, what we’re looking for, who we want to be. And as much as we think we do, we don’t, until the moment you realize you are bound to someone by law and by bathroom routine.

Dear You,

I don’t know when you’ll be reading my blog again, but today I just want to give you this message. We’re actually talking on Skype right now (ish, since you’re about to go for lunch) which makes this actually pretty funny. We just got over a ridiculous scare last night…and you’re still doubting the results lol. It’s okay though, I believe in it. But I am honestly very touched that you stayed with me and you kept reassuring me that we’re going to be okay. And that we’re in this together. And the way that you held me tight and squeezed my hand when we walked into the house. I was very scared that if I really really was pregnant, you would have no choice but to leave. It’s not a rare thing for men to be so freaked out that they leave the relationship. And I guess I’m sorry that I had those doubts. You could probably tell I was doubtful- that’s why you kept reassuring me that you were in this as much as I was. You never faltered or had second thoughts about leaving. And I’m so grateful for that.

Each day with you keeps getting better and better. Time flew by so fast. And it’s not slowing down anytime soon (least not on my side). How strange it is that we ended up being together. I really did thought that my time with you was done back then and I had to force myself to move on and forget we ever had something that could have grown into something immeasurable. I know you had your reasons, and I remember everything that happened from the time we fell out of contact in the winter to the time you came back with a fierce passion during the Amateurs the next summer but even to this day, I wasn’t sure whether it was because of me who really pulled you back, or the knowledge that I was with another man that pulled you back. Whatever the reason, I have never regretted the decision to be with you now. We had it rough in the beginning, not like other relationships where there would be nothing but ponies and rainbows, but now we’re on an upwards spiral. I remember the very first time I met you- at the Dome, and we shook hands. You had to go though, so it was a quick meeting; but I remember so clearly that feeling I had, it wasn’t just one of those ‘oh he’s cute’ feelings. You were wearing your glasses and your hair was (probably) in a messy array but you were so charming.. and I never ever met a man who was charming in my terms. There was something else- I remember our eyes met and I felt something. I know you did too.

I remember you discovering my food allergy for the first when you had thoughtfully brought me some fried rice with shrimps in it. You were so apologetic it was unbelievable; you never apologize that much! the summer passed so fast and then we fell out of contact…you were in your third year of university while I was in my last year of highschool… I also remembered when my ex from highschool-to-first year university pissed me off, you made me feel better, and even laugh through text. You were only a friend back then, a good acquaintance. I liked you, you were a sweet guy. But I never actually really liked you until we started hanging out more. On and off the course, I was never happier. I was so happy and so giddy whenever I saw you. But I thought you wouldn’t ever consider me- I was so young, still in highschool, and you were almost done your university life. I figured you would want a girl who’s closer to you in age. And then…I don’t know, shit just happened. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I wanted to be with you. I always chose you over every other man I’ve come across and I kept comparing them with you. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it’s the way you laugh, maybe it’s the way you hug me with your arms always crushing me (seriously, if you keep working them out you’d be the hulk), or maybe it’s because I couldn’t stay away from you no matter how hard I tried. There was something about you- us- that I couldn’t give up without seeing where it goes. The way you handle things, and the way you think things through, the way you joked with me and the way you kissed me. You made me happy and you made me sad, but I wouldn’t trade those feelings for anything. The way you broke my heart too that winter, a shattering feeling that was, in a way, a billion times worse than my first ever heartbreak. I would go to sleep crying and I would wake up sighing. I would have to stay signed out of MSN (good ol times) so that I don’t get the urge to message you. I would have to throw my phone, literally, onto my bed whenever I wanted to text you. You drove me crazy and I couldn’t even tell you why. I loved everything about you and the way you made me feel. I fell in love with you so hard I didn’t even have the chance to take a step back. But you were so immersed in your studies that you had no chance to develop something with me. Well, I was glad you told me beforehand. I was glad you had given me the respect of choice and given me your honest answer. I know I did not have the right to blame you, and I didn’t, and I’m not, but it was hard on me. I was mad, but I was moreso upset that I had lost you.

I have all but forgotten, but I think that’s what makes you more precious to me. You are the only second chance in my life, and I will never regret it. I will never let you slip from my grasp again, not without a fight. You’ve taught me how to be independent, how to strive for something, how to be a better person. You are my inspiration and the greatest love of my life. I’m not sure if I was born to be with you, but I am sure as hell willing to find out.

Why Is He Over Me? (So Fast..)

This is kind of embarrassing but I actually have weekly newsletters sent to my email from a relationship site that I signed up for couple years ago. I still haven’t unsubscribed and I still get their emails. It’s funny because I still read them; and I totally get what they’re saying. Their most recent one was about why it seems that men get over their failed relationships faster than women and I figured, why not share their wisdom?:

#1: Women are more emotional, men are more practical. Women feel , men think. Women prefer to judge their relationship with their hearts and how happy they feel in the relationship, whether being showered with attention or gifts, while men prefer taking each thing into consideration and seeing how they fit together. Which leads to the second point,

#2: It felt wrong vs. a solid reason. If the guy sees a solid reason why the relationship won’t work, that’s pretty much it. There is no point in trying to fix it because frankly, you can’t fix it. It’s like seeing a big hole in the basement of your 4 storey house- while the beautiful house itself is still functional, some day, sooner or later with time, it will fall, and when it falls, you get crushed with it. This is saying it’s hard to change a person. And everyone knows that. So what about the woman’s feelings, doesn’t she get a say? Well of course- but we women see things with our hearts if that made any sense. Our feelings flip flop- one day we’re confident something won’t happen, the next minute we’re crapping ourselves. That’s why it’s harder for us to get over someone- we keep going back to the ‘other side’ of our feelings and we question ourselves whereas the man takes it and leaves it.

#3: Talking as a solution vs. an actual solution. Just like the email said, talking for women IS the solution. We don’t actually need a tangible solution because “talking itself is therapeutic”. Men on the other hand, wants to see something happen, wants to see something done. He needs an actual solution which leaves him with only 2 options: yes or no.

#4: Communication styles. We’ve all heard this one before; women’s thoughts are dispersed in a very intricate web-like structure while men are…just left, right, up, or down. Men take things at face value generally speaking- and women love to overthink things, generally speaking. So when this happens…we get push and pulls every which way. He’s over you because that’s the way he’s wired to be: it’s either this way, or the other way. Women on the other hand are like: I know I ended it this way but what if it was supposed to be the other way? It becomes tedious, stressful and bluntly, annoying, when you confront an ex, who’s a male, like this.

 

If you’re suffering from this right now, just don’t take it personally. Everyone wants to protect their own interests; and it doesn’t mean that your man (or lady) didn’t care about you, nor loved you, it just means that they accepted that this is what it is and it is time to move on to find happiness for themselves. Doesn’t everyone deserve that? Things come to an end sometimes, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t real. Every experience you ever had was something to take into consideration and to heart; because these experience make you who you are today.

 

Lives to Remember.

Daily Prompt: 3 Lives, 3 Memories.

Moment #1: It was Christmas day. It was snowing lightly outside but everything was covered in a fresh blanket of snow. It was dark out. We had stopped watching the show and instead, held each other in our arms for the first time. We pressed our foreheads together, gently, feeling both our heartbeats in our ears. Our breaths were as ragged as the other, and in a tight embrace, we experienced our very first kiss. We loved each other; but the love didn’t last. He fell, and drew away. He changed, and he left.

Moment #2: It was 2 a.m. in the morning, and I had passed out on his bed, already asleep. I heard the lights turn off. Suddenly I felt him reaching for me, and I awoke to his searching hands, which had begun to crawl beneath my shirt. I pulled away, tired, and unwilling to wake up so early in the morning. But he persisted; not angrily, just persistent. I sighed. I gave up. I returned his yearning kisses with unequal yearning kisses. It didn’t stop him. I laid there, tired, drained, but helped him finish. Once done, he rolled beside me, and instantly fell asleep. I stared at the ceiling, wide awake now, and began to cry.

Moment #3: He held his arms around himself, and I could feel his heart breaking. I could feel his pain and it hurt me. He curled, his hands clenching to the sheets, and began to cry, muffled by them. I watched, unable to move, unable to speak as I saw myself at that same moment. A mirror image. I held out my hand and he took it, held it to his heart and cried It’s breaking. I took it back and sat in silence as I watched myself kill him. 

My 3 lives were my 3 past relationships- where i’ve been hurt, i’ve been used, and i’ve hurt. These are important memories to me as they are the result of experiences. They made me and broke me, but it’s time to realize that this is my only life left. I have no more time for the lives where hurting the other is an inevitable fate.