I actually believe in karma. And it’s not revenge, it’s ‘what goes around, comes around’. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you –I think that’s the most useful thing I’ve learnt from the Bible. And quite frankly, it seems that karma is always around me, when people have done me wrong, they feel the repercussions later. When I do something wrong, it comes back to haunt me in another form. And that’s what scares me- it comes back to haunt me in another form. For example, I was guilty for making fun of someone, a little too loud. Then I completely embarrass myself in public the next day. It’s happened to me so many times I can’t even tell you the details. When one of my exes dumped me for another person (unsuccessfully though), I ended up doing the same. Is that karma’s doing? Is that karma telling me that the debt has been paid? Will I get karma-ed for that? Will my boyfriend leave me if one of his exes want him back? I won’t know. Even though I feel like I’ve been treated more unfairly than fairly, all I can hope for is that karma can sympathize with me and give me this break.
Warning: This post is meant to be highly motivational but also highly criticizing. Read at your own discretion.
Well, this is actually pretty simple. You and boy meet. You like boy, boy maybe likes you. You want to see where you guys can go. You guys meet up and stuff, get to know each other a little more, and then when you think he’s definitely gonna ask you out, he disappears. You go what the fuck and try to find him while he’s trying to avoid you at all cost. Big question is why? This just makes him look like a huge douchebag who just wanted you to suck his dick. So what’s the real reason why he won’t commit?
There are two routes, aka two possible answers and two possible answers only: He doesn’t see you in the future when he really thought about it, or he has no idea what to do.
In the first case, this basically means he needs to take a step back from all the fun flirting and re-evaluate his position with you right now. Sure it’s all fun and games and hot steamy make outs (with maybe sex) and nothing but ponies and rainbows but maybe you have a quirk that he just can’t work with. And no, this isn’t your fault. Everyone has their quirks. But he just can’t stand yours. You can’t blame him, nor blame yourself. This simply says you two don’t really fit. That’s that. There’s no alternative, crazy mind-blowing extraterrestrial explanation for it. He’s all up for the fun and games but if he sees himself settling down some day in the future..he just doesn’t see you as his wife material. This isn’t saying you AREN’T wife material- I’m saying you’re not HIS. So how else are you going to stop the budding relationship from progressing further? Stop the flirting, stop the contact- stop the train before its brakes break and there’s no turning back unless you crash and burn. That’s a possible explanation for why he doesn’t want to commit to you. And I will tell you some things that will make that man come running back to you, or at least, at some point in his life, realize that DAMN, I totally missed out on this girl.
The second case is better news, yet also ridiculously stupid. And frustrating. But hey, at least there’s a faint ray of hope for you. When a guy likes a girl but has no idea what to do to progress further, they always somehow mess it up. It’s funny because their shyness and absolute blockheadedness cause us feminine creatures to foam at the mouth because of their drastic change in personality. It’s like yesterday he was just teasing you and being all physical with you and being extremely flirtatious saying you have eyes that sparkle like the waters of Capri that you can feel your heart in your mouth and then the next day he’s dead somewhere in the mountains of Mordor and nobody can find him. Why? Because he doesn’t know what the next step is. He has no clue how to make you his; basically he’s a fucking noob. And the girl gets the shit end of the stick because we have no idea what’s going on- and yes, admit it, we think of a gazillion scenarios why he didn’t return that text- is he with another girl? am i just his booty call? did his phone die? he’s just ignoring me because he just wanted action? is he still sleeping? did he pass out drunk? we had such a good time what happened? did he actually not like me at all? was i too fake? was i too blunt? are my boobs not big enough? Meanwhile, he’s literally sitting at home pacing in circles because he doesn’t know what to do. He’s never asked a girl out before (or a girl like you before) and he doesn’t want to mess up and feel like a total idiot. If this is the case, you just have to give the boy some time, and GENTLY let him know it’s okay to ask you out.
Now, back to the topic: let’s assume you’re going through scenario one. How do you handle this?
This is a list of everything you need to do for yourself.
1. Be yourself. This is so simple yet the most important thing on the list. How do you expect someone will love you for who you are when you’re never who you really are? You can’t bend yourself to MAKE a person like you. Frankly, if you had to do that to catch someone’s attention, you already know deep down you can’t work this out with them. If you can’t be yourself, how do you expect them to be themselves? What happens if they fall for this fake you? How can you be like that for the rest of your life? It’s not even worth it, not even for one second. If they can’t accept you for who you really are, they forget it. Forget it, there is absolutely NO point in pursuing this any further. If they don’t like it, they can go suck it.
2. Be able to stand on your own two feet. Independence is SO key in a man’s checklist. Notice how I said man and not boy. If you’re all whiny and pouty and have no idea what to do after a problem and refuse to fight back, that already says a lot about you. You’re a quitter and you let life get the better of you. Nobody wants a loser, everybody wants a winner. Everybody will respect a winner. So you have to win. How do you win? You need to learn to fend for yourself. You have to stop relying on others, ESPECIALLY your partner. Your partner is not there as your life crutches, they’re there as your coach, your motivation, your goal. They are the ones that drive you to become independent because you know that in order to live in harmony, you need to be stable on your own first. We’re all human- that means we all mess up. But if he messes up, he needs to know that you won’t mess up because of him because you can stand on your own. And in the same sense of how you need him, he needs you too, so that when he falls, he knows that you will be able to pull him back up. As long as one stays standing, the foundation can always be repaired.
3. Realize your own worth. You can’t just sit back and cry because the man of your dreams crushed your hopes. I had that happen to me. And instead of running away, I faced it. I told it to his face. And he made me realize that I’m honestly so much better than this. I don’t need to wait around for him- he can’t just reserve me until he’s ready. No matter how hard I had fallen for him, no matter how much I loved him already, I needed to go. I needed to step away and take a look at the situation. He’s not coming back. I don’t NEED him to come back. I can be happy on my own. I can do this myself without him. I’ll prove him wrong my way. I forced myself to peel away from him as painful and absolutely crushing as it was, I had to do it all on my own. Because I’m better than this, I’m not some pathetic whiny little girl who relies on men to be boss in this world. So I stepped up my game. And guess what. He wanted me back so damn hard I had a hard time grasping that fact. I had actually given up on him that I wasn’t even able to take him back instantly. I had to think about it- and that made me realize that I WAS able to do things that I needed to do no matter how hard it was for me. Because I understood my own worth.
4. You’re better than him. And this is because you’re fucking better than him. If he doesn’t respect you for who you are, that automatically says he’s an asshole, and a pretentious fucker. Does he REALLY think he’s better than you? Don’t you relish the fact that you can absolutely crush him in your own way? Challenge him. Flaunt your own abilities. Because you don’t need a proud motherfucker in your life who can’t do anything else but gloat. All words and no action says he’s a pussy with dinky balls.
5. Be better, not bitter. There’s no use in crying over spilt milk. You want him to notice you? Get better in everything you do. Be driven to be successful. The human brain is an amazing thing. You CAN do ANYTHING if you REALLY wanted to. That’s right. He can ask you out. If he really wanted to. Be sassy and be able to back it up. Brains over makeup. At the end of the day, what really perks a man’s interest is your ability to have INTELLIGENT conversations with him. Or at least conversations where he can see that you’re intelligent.
6. Be realistic. Life’s a bitch, suck it up. What are you going to do? Self pity is the worst poison for yourself. Never self pity. That only gives you an excuse to be miserable and pathetic when all of that useless energy could be used to make yourself a better person. Nobody is going to like a pitiful person. It makes you look childish, and inexperienced in life. Life will constantly throw you shit and you can dodge them if you’re fast enough- but if it hits you, you have to learn to wipe it off and keep going at full speed. You can’t let it faze you like that. You will NEVER be able to win if you do.
7. He’s only worth it if he makes you a better person. Be honest. Just like being yourself. You have to be honest with yourself and everyone else around you WHO MATTER. One rotten apple spoils the whole barrel. You can’t waste your time and energy with toxic people, worthless people, or people who make you feel like shit. WHY would you want to be with them? You cannot expect everyone in this world to understand what you’re thinking or even begin to know what you’re thinking. You can NEVER get anywhere in life if you hang around people who look down on you, who makes you feel useless, or make you feel like you’re worthless. You will forever be groping in the dark and in the abyss of life while the light is still at the end of the tunnel and you’re just refusing to go towards it. You’re not the only one in the world who has had shit happen to them. What will make you different is how you overcame it. If he doesn’t make you a better person, in any way, it’s so OBVIOUS that he’s of no value to you in your life that a blind man would be blinded from its obviousness. You won’t be able to make yourself better that’s for sure. And you would just be going down that ladder of life.
8. Your own happiness comes first. If you’re not happy, he won’t be happy to be with you. Simple as that.
This is not meant to offend ANYONE and I am sorry if I did. All I’m trying to do is share my thoughts on this issue of commitment- and it all boils down to one point: Be your own amazing person. A person who glows happiness and confidence will attract ANYONE. This is how you play the game of relationships.
Life sucks when you have to think about your first career.
So it’s nothing new, but I know where my real passion lies for my career. It’s a long shot, but I’m slowly making myself put my mark in the graphic design industry. First step is not to find a legit job just yet but a volunteer position. Today I pretty much spent my afternoon after work applying for volunteer positions, and saving some for later (when I’m done my co-op for the spring). It’s a long shot but at least I am trying. And hopefully I won’t get shot down too much, otherwise I think it’s time to start making an actual portfolio full of originals. Ah life problems. Too bad I didn’t take it more seriously back in ’09 when all I did was create wallpapers instead of real art- original works. But I don’t have a tablet! Doing everything by mouse is hard. What am I complaining, at least it never stopped me. And that is very important for all of you dealing with my same struggles- do something that you love, find a way to make sure that your job has an aspect that you love. Otherwise you really cannot go anywhere. You will hate your life. And everything will go downhill from there.
Love your job, love your life! (And of course, love your SO, love your life)
Can exes be friends? Like, real friends? I feel like you could. But it wouldn’t be the same. You can’t joke about things anymore because it reminds you of the past and it suddenly becomes awkward. You don’t want your feelings to become stirred again- happy or sad. Things are fine, not talking. But things are also fine talking. Is it really? You don’t know. Your body naturally stops you from hurting yourself- physically and emotionally. When things are going okay, you cut it short- you don’t want to be hurt again. Exes probably can’t be friends. Acquaintances, at best. “Yeah, I know her.” But you probably wouldn’t say “I used to love her.” It hurts when you really think about it. It hurts when you realized that the person you honestly would have wanted to live your life with just won’t be that person anymore. And it sucks. How are you supposed to call yourselves friends when there is no interaction anymore? Your friends called her a keeper. But she was the one who left. A hole in your group of friends, segregation. You can’t forgive and you can’t forget. But isn’t that what friends do? You guys can’t be friends. It’s either love or indifference. Friendship is obliterated once a relationship is over. There is no going back. Can you live with that decision? Can you live knowing that who you once loved is now a total stranger? Even if both sides of the party wanted to remain friends, life doesn’t work that way. You can’t be. You never will be again.
So recently, my good friend has been under some intense drama with another man. She’s been asking me some questions that were interesting so I thought I’d write them down here to share. Now again, my opinions are mine and mine alone, and are in no way the gospel of truth- only simply what I believe in from my own personal experiences as well as from watching others. The biggest desire she wanted was for this man to want her. I’ve touched upon this subject a lot, between wanting to see someone/not minding seeing someone. Want means you’re the first priority. Not minding means you’re not. Everybody wants to be somebody’s first priority. But the biggest question is how do you exactly play your cards right so that this guy, who you’ve always dreamed of dating and having a future with (but unfortunately he never had the intent to think the same about you before), wants you?
1. Don’t. Panic.
A man can easily sense a woman’s tension. And if he talks to you a lot, he will know when you’re acting different- and when you’re acting different it means something is up. Your tone, for example- your regular, normal conversation tone versus ‘I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING BIG’ tone, sets something off in the man if he senses it. If he senses you panicking, or squirmy, he WILL back off. A man cannot handle a girl in panic. Because he knows if her panicky state goes on, he WILL get swamped with emotions and as we all know, emotions aren’t a man’s forte. So he cools down, and stops the conversation before she can ask him anything in her panicky state. So what can you do? RELAX. BREATHE. Men aren’t aliens (as much as I want to disagree), they’re humans too. Play it cool, think of him as someone else. Playing it cool doesn’t mean being cold or overly nice, it means keeping your tone calm. Level headed. That’s the word- men love level-headed women. So whether you’re on the phone, or just texting, just go with the flow, and don’t even think about talking about the subject you originally wanted to talk to him about- the less you impose, the more likely the chance to bring it up will happen.
2. Don’t be passive aggressive.
Not to put my friend on the spot, but there are several times when I see her being overly passive aggressive- meaning answering a comment with a question about why he doesn’t say something sweeter. You can’t really force the issue, let alone force him to say something sweeter just to feel better. If he wanted to, he would have said it. The point is to GET him to that point where he wants to say it, and it’s definitely not by not-so-subtly hinting that he should do it on the spot. So don’t be passive aggressive. Instead, try to keep the conversation going- if he ends with a one worded answer like “awesome” or “cool”, change the subject. “So, what are you doing later?” If he answers without a ‘why?’ then you can probably leave the conversation for awhile. If he asks ‘why?’ then all you need to do is simply say “Nothing, just thinking if you had time you wanna grab dinner or something”. Doesn’t make you look desperate because you said ‘if you had time’ and you’re also giving him an answer without clouding your intent. Cool. Straightforward. Easy!
3. Be yourself.
It’s really hard to be yourself when you’re facing the guy you like. I know. So how? The first thing you need to do is realize your life doesn’t revolve around him. You have better things to do- dance, yoga, work, volunteer, whatever- and that YOUR life comes first. All he is is a person who you want to have in your life to enrich it. Not to be the reason of your existence. People come and go. And if this man is really the one you want, then you need to be able to let him go live his life while you live yours. His life shouldn’t revolve around you either. Relationships should be loving, enriching, but also something that makes you grow into a better person. He should be a man who makes you want to work harder for yourself, achieve a goal you never thought you could, be your motivation to strive for the best, all the while enjoying each others company and of course, enjoying love.
4. Be kind but be strict. Be flirty but put a line on it.
Show self control. If he doesn’t play by the rules, make sure you have your own rules to stick to when things get too much. A woman who makes decisions and sticks to them shows that she is mature and that she knows herself. A man would not have to worry about her because he knows insecurity is not on her list. That takes a burden off of him, which makes you more desirable. Be kind at heart, but not manipulative. Don’t try to sway him to talk about what you want to talk about. Let conversations take their course. Be generous with this. You let him say his opinions while you say yours. If he can’t take it, or shows that he disrespects them, then you know you need to walk away. Relationships should be equal. Conversations should be friendly and light, and non-judgmental. Your man, whether boyfriend or husband, should always be your best friend, your confidant.
5. Don’t question his every move.
Guys are stupid. Guys are sneaky. Sometimes, he really just means what he says. Sometimes he says things to get some action. But if you’re constantly questioning his every move, how will you ever get to trust him when you guys are in a relationship? If you cannot accept his words for as they are, then that’s probably a sign to watch. What if he really did want to get some action? Well, he can’t unless you guys meet in person. See what he says. Does he ask you to meet at night only? Is he being overly physical? Is he putting pressure on you? Does he listen to you. That is key-because if for the night he completely avoided your questions, he most likely is wanting you in his pants. But if so, then you have your answer- he ain’t the guy you want, is he? Slap him. Walk away.
6. Be strong.
Slap him. Walk away. Show him you’re independent and you’re strong- and you’re not someone he can mess around with (anymore). You have your values, so STICK TO THEM. A guy should not change what you believe in, no matter how much you want him. If he crosses any of your boundaries, WALK AWAY. Show him you’re upset. Disappointed. Show him that he fucked up real good this time and this is the last straw. Tell him everything, everything on your mind- from how much you want him to how much of a douchebag he is, because it will be the last time you talk to him anyways. Be strong mentally because this is life. You have to face it head on and put yourself first before any of your impulses. Even if your heart wants him, there will always be someone else better. If he cannot even face you to talk about you two, how can you ever expect anything great out of the relationship? Look forward to the future. Stick to your decisions.
You wake up every morning at 6 a.m. and work through an entire day in the wind, cold, and worst of all mosquitoes. But you can’t wait until work finishes because you get to wind down with your favourite person. And it doesn’t matter how tired you are, you would still do anything to see them. Your favourite person on the other hand, isn’t feeling too swell and is also tired. Once they’re done their equally long day, they apologetically tell you that they can’t see you because they’re too tired and worn out. And you’re just sitting there thinking, well, guess I could take a nap now.
It just sucks, sometimes.
I suddenly remembered what a nice young lady told me last year as I asked her for a burger for my caddie at the amateur round. She gave me a sly smile and said “who is this for?”. I blushed and told her it was for my caddie, my friend. She winked, “Just a friend? You’re awfully happy talking about him”. At that point I felt embarrassed because nobody else could tell I was in love with him. But here was a stranger who could tell just by the sound of my voice as I asked her for a burger. Before I could say anything she told me something that I still remember even today.
“Do you like him?”
“It’s complicated .. He’s been my friend for a very long time. ”
“That’s the best then. Because that means you already know all of his quirks and imperfections ..yet you still like him. That is the best kind of relationship. ”