From Two to One to None.

I know these two guys- brothers- and they were my real close, good friends. Were, as you noted. No, we’re not close anymore, let alone good. We used to play together, eat together, hang out together. I used to love watching them bicker in the brotherly fashion they used, all those sassy, sarcastic and drop dead hilarious comments they threw at one another. I knew nothing, absolutely nothing, would come in between or break this bond. And the worst part was I had developed feelings for both of them. And so did they. But I loved the little brother in the sense that I felt like he was my own little brother. I loved the older brother romantically. He was my world, everything and anything I’ve wanted. He could have asked me to do groceries for him and I would have done it in a heartbeat. I was head over Hell for him. It was horrible, immature, and very, very raw. These feelings for him were unfiltered, unaltered, unmasked. People say you feel butterflies in your stomach- I felt pterodactyls. I wouldn’t even know what to say or how to act around him. When his little brother told me he had feelings for me, I faltered. I did, too, but no where near to the feelings I had for his older brother. And so, I let him go. Our friendship died overtime. He grew distant and cold. I didn’t really know who he was anymore, and that chapter in our lives ended too soon.

The older brother had pulled me within his orbit long before I realized it. There was a year where all I could think about was him- he was my first and last thought in my mind every day. Needless to say, that year in school fucking sucked. I had put in only an eighth of my studying efforts into that year. And yes, it was brutal. When I look back at it now, I want to slap myself in the face for being so stupid and blind. I knew exactly what he was going to do to me, and I knew exactly what I should have done but I did not. I let him ruin me, I let him tear me apart top to bottom. He was my most recent ex, the only man I’ve loved so hard, so long, and so purely; and I will never love anyone that purely again. None of it was worth it. I am sick of being played, wronged, and left for selfish reasons. I went from two friends to one, to none.

I had a dream last night. The three of us were lying on a bed, watching a movie. I had laid myself over the two of them- my legs over my ex, and my head propped on my hand and elbow on his brother’s lap. We were friends again. I felt so serene. I felt happy, something that hasn’t happened to me for a time now. But I woke up this morning and I returned to reality. They’re not a part of my life anymore. I don’t want them to be. I don’t want to be reminded of how I failed in keeping the two people I cherished the most. We’re not friends anymore. We are all just memories of each other.

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it’s 2:41 in the morning and i’m still thinking about you.

but really, fuck you because i shouldn’t be.

i’ve only had 1 measly shot and a pint. i’m no where close to being tipsy let alone drunk (i’m not gonna go there again). yet my entire self just feels down and simply, sad. not sad because i’ve been dumped but sad because it’s hit me i’ve lost good friends. you and your brother. and your parents. you said we can still be friends. we’re not friends anymore. we don’t talk. you don’t talk to me. and why should i talk to you? why should i initiate? i’m done initiating. i’m done being the one who tries all the time, the one who actually thought things through and decided things were worth trying. i’m done being the one who gets played by you and i’m done feeling worthless because of you. you can take your amazing new career down to the states, away from me, far away from me, and never speak of it again. you can find that beautiful robotic humanoid projection of your mind (pretty sure she’s caucasian) and live happily ever after as business partners in and out of your career life. you can find happiness in being someone so important, someone with so much face that everyone will know who you are on the streets (please. just please) and someone who has everything in the world but the one person who loved you for who you fucking are, knows you inside out and who loved you above all else and would have done anything to make the relationship work because clearly, there was nothing wrong with our emotional connection. but like you said, we just couldn’t “connect at the intellectual stage”. haha. fuck you. that is all.

1 month, 11 days

This post’s really just for me self reflecting out loud. You’re more than welcome to read it, and discover what is happening inside my head but I warn you, it’s going to be very messy, very disorganized, and very raw.

It’s almost valentine’s day and really yeah i don’t give a shit that i’m single. i remember last year you didn’t even say anything to me let alone do anything. i simply posted a heart onto your wall. there was no reply, no reciprocation. ok, i thought, because that’s just who he is and he doesn’t like to celebrate these little dates i guess. but he also made it private- that like cogwheel icon- which means he controls who’s able to see my post. which comes right back to a really big issue i had: he was still hiding me from public.

like the fuck dude. YOU were the one who told me to stop hiding you from MY friends. and guess what I DID. YOU were the one who wanted me to flaunt you and it wasn’t that i didn’t want to- oh trust me i could flaunt you if i really wanted to- but that i didn’t want you to order me and tell me what to do with my account. had i ever told you to flaunt me? no. you would flaunt me yourself if you felt like i was worthy of it. whatever. don’t give a fuck.

yeah remember those flowers you got me for our 1 year and told me to post them up? but to make it so that your mother can’t see that i posted it? yeah. yeah you’re a dick. and yeah i was stupid not to realize that that was totally wrong. but i listened to you anyways because i didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. whatever. don’t give a fuck.

honestly, i think you really took me for granted. you’d only reply to questions that you want to reply. you’d ignore the questions that you didn’t think was worth your time- because i wasn’t worth your time. you know that i was into you way more than you were ever into me and that i can be easily played by you- you were able to make me do whatever it took to make you happy, to make you love me, to make you stay. wow i sound so incredibly stupid and retarded right now.

all those guys that want to get into my pants? yeah, it’s a real thing. you want to give ryan a piece of your mind? why didn’t you, and why don’t you? saying these things now doesn’t help me or you, so maybe just maybe don’t even try. you were all about jealously yet you did nothing except told ME to stop. you said the issue wasn’t me but the guys. what the fuck was i supposed to do then? if it bothered you, maybe you should have done something. or maybe i just wasn’t worth the time and effort but if you kept saying you were jealous you’d have a reason to be overly crazy and angry – and you know that i’d do anything to stop you from feeling that way – and because you’d be angry you could ignore me without me actually realizing why. i would have thought you were ignoring me because you were angry. but it’s just an excuse for you not to talk to me and to do your own thing.

i think i’m still pretty pissed about that bullshit of ‘im stuck in front of the computer all day, i dont want to come home and stare at it or the phone all night too’. you’re always on your fucking phone. you really think i wouldn’t notice? you’d always be on your phone watching crossfit videos. my messages would always pop up. you just chose to ignore them. you were the one who cut of our communication. you know it. and you wanted to. you know it was impossible for me to talk to you when im school except via our phones. so unless you’re saying that talking to me has absolutely no value to you, you were the one who caused our communication to break down simply because you don’t want to stare at the screen talking to me but rather stare at the screen watching men lift weights.

i absolutely fucking hate how i had done nothing wrong in our relationship yet i was the one who got dumped. if anything it should have been me. i should have left your stupid god damn fucking sexy ass the moment i realized that you will never give me the love that i give you. you were the one who fucking ripped me away from someone who loved me more than you could ever have and i voluntarily left him for you because you were my unfinished business and i loved you to the core- i loved you when you threw me away and i still loved you when you told me to go explore other guys. i trusted you when you said you wanted me and i trusted you when you said “don’t you see how good we are together?” and i don’t fucking trust people left right center. i only trust people who i think deserve my trust. who i know wouldn’t betray me and my feelings. i trusted you for nothing, and you know what? i will never ever trust you again. not with anything. you want to hear that im doing well? fuck you. i wont tell you shit. because i’m not even important to you- if i was never important to you as your girlfriend why the fuck would i be important as your ex?

one month, eleven days, and counting. bring it on you piece of shit of a heartbreaker. you’ll never get me to care about you anymore even though i can never stop loving you. my love runs so deep for you it’s ruining me. i have suppressed my feelings for you once, all those emotions, the hurt, the lust, the happiness, the sadness that you gave me and even though i have it suppressed it doesn’t suppress the fact that you were my everything. i love who i am. but you didn’t. you only loved what i could give you, you loved what i was capable of, and you loved the comfort i provided. but you didn’t love me, and you never did. i was a fucking FOOL to have believed you loved me even for a second. because love does NOT let you throw away someone the moment other plans come up. love does NOT blind you to these life ambitions but rather amplify them and makes you think about your life with that person. so no, don’t even say you loved me. because you OBVIOUSLY didn’t and you’re just fooling yourself. you know nothing. all you ever know is ambition and having everyone around you cater to your needs and if you’re not catered then you could throw them away. i hope to god, like the one you believe in, that you’ll one day suffer the consequences of using people like that. i hope one day you’ll understand my pain, every last drop of it and i hope one day you’ll ask me how to make it go away because i hope that one day ill be able to shove EVERYTHING into your face and make you feel how much pain and suffering my heart went through because of you.

The Exes That Try To Be Friends

I think I’ve posted something along the lines of ‘can exes every be friends’ and I think, my conclusion came to a no. Everybody knows that. But, is there a slight possibility that against all odds amongst the heart breaking, the anger and frustration and the guilt that it’s still possible to be just friends? Friends who care about each other without yearning to be in a relationship, friends who accept they have history, accept they loved each other but just knows they can’t be together?

Well, I’m sort of in this rut. From the devoted (and maybe overly doting) girlfriend, back to my original, normal, tomboy sweats-allday-errday getup self. Now that I think about it, it’s quite terrifying to see how I had been pushed deeply to my feminine side when I was dating. Not that it’s a bad thing- I now have a great appreciation for sexy dressy outfits and shoes. (AREN’T YOU SO PROUD OF ME?) The man who dumped me though, I feel, has never experienced the wrath of a truly unforgiving woman. Which luckily, I am not. In fact, some people say I’m too forgiving and I’m being taken advantage of. Truth be told, that’s how I find it easier to remain friends with him.

Does this friendship work? Well, I know I still have feelings for him. But I also know I’ll never, ever get back together with him, as much as my heart wants to. This time, my brain is telling me that he isn’t worth it. Third time is NOT the charm with these things. There is no way someone has so little self respect that they let themselves fall for the same person 3 times. I at least respect myself enough not to let it happen. So when we talk, it’s fine. No, seriously. It’s pretty nonchalant. I treat him like I do my other male friends. I don’t seek him out actively. When things remind me of him, I smile, remembering, but I never let it make me sad. Although, I would not, again, actively seek out things that remind me of him. Funny thing was, he texted me today, and I told him I missed his super adorable dog, to which he replied saying how I can visit her (at his house mind you) whenever I wanted.

Um. Let’s rewind a bit. That’s a little insensitive, no?

I mean, I’m cool with being friends. But to push it isn’t cool. Is that an invitation to his house? He’s inviting me, the girl he broke up with, back to his house to see his dog. Let’s just leave it at that.

I think the real answer to this topic is it definitely relies on the breakup-ee. This person, assuming having done nothing wrong to cause the breakup, gains all the power they lost when they got dumped. They now hold the power to either be friends or not. And as a stranger on the internet, I give you my advice: don’t try to make them miserable. You’re better than that. Things can’t be forgotten, but they can be forgiven. And you have every right to feel angry and frustrated but just ask yourself if it is worth losing a friendship over something you know deep down wasn’t going to work anyways.

You don’t love me; you love the idea of me.

I have this habit where I would be working on something completely academic (like these law notes I am supposedly studying) and suddenly I’d be having imaginary conversations with myself. Sound familiar? I hope I’m not the only one.

Funny thing is, I’d be having imaginary conversations with the man who broke my heart- I don’t really like labeling him with the ‘correct’ term for some reason because, well, I don’t really wanna go there just yet. Maybe I’m still in denial. Or maybe not after reading what I’m going to share.

Honestly, I’m not that sad anymore. I am sad of course, shit, sad as fuck but, I’m dealing with it in a manner I didn’t even know I could. And I think this definitely has to be thanked for by the FIRST time he broke my heart- I’m sure every ounce of emotions and feelings for him has been swept away the first time which leaves only a bit of residual for the second. The coping part, I mean. I loved him with all my heart yes. And that just got me thinking- how does someone never love you back when you love them so much?

So while talking in my imaginary conversation, I imagined him talking to me again. You know, just friends, catching up after years later. By then he would have had the best career experience in his life, become successful, find himself, and will be extremely content with his life. I, on the other hand, would be extremely content with my career because I’m picky. And my job would not be just any job, it would be a job I know I can be happy with. I’m making a good living for myself, loving what I do, and I have all my friends and family to spend time with. And then we’d start to reminisce, talking about that time we went to D&B and we got the jackpot twice. Yeah, I still remember. And then we’d fall silent, sipping on our respective drinks. I still care about you, he’d say. And I’d nod, and shrug my shoulders. Yeah, me too. I did love you, he’d continue. This time, I’d put down my cup, smile tartly, then quickly shake my head.

“No, you didn’t. I respect that you tried. But you never loved me. You only loved the idea of me.”

Where in the hell did I think of that response? I must admit, my eyes widened (not that anyone saw) when I thought of that response. It was funny because I’d continue the conversation and I’d see him shaking his head. Believe what you want to believe, he’d say, just like he did when he decided we cannot continue our relationship. Then I’d smile again. I’ve done a lot of thinking about this you know. And I’m positive everything¬† that has happened between us only lead to that answer. You know why I didn’t cut the relationship off? Because I wanted it, I am committed to it, and I was the only one trying anymore. And obviously, it couldn’t work because it was only one side trying- I was tipping the boat onto its side either way.Yeah we both made sacrifices, but what sacrifices did you make of yourself to it? Cancelling a class doesn’t really count. I meant person-wise. You refused to make more time for me. You knew I had trust issues because of you yet, blame me that I have trust issues and that it wasn’t fair to compare. I don’t think that’s me trying to compare. I think those were the solid, hard facts. The hard facts stared straight at me: you will never give up your time for me without me asking. And of course, being the one who knows you, who loves¬† you, I would never ask you to give your own time up for me. I always just wanted you to do it yourself. That was the problem in the first place, you couldn’t sacrifice yourself for the relationship, and you weren’t committed to do so even though you showed so much promise in the beginning. My answer is that when you truly love someone, you can and will make those sacrifices. You can’t help it- you want this person. Caring isn’t loving but loving automatically includes caring.Those personal sacrifices are worth taking for this person whom you love. Whom you’re committed to when you first asked her out. Which lets me prove that you never loved me, only the idea of me. Or, alternatively, you’ve never actually experienced what real love is.

Damn, I should try writing some deep, relatable thought provoking articles for Thought Catalog or something. Or not. Maybe I’m just delusional. I felt like I wrote something grand but really, probably, I wrote some piece of crap that just sounds depressing and definitely points to the fact that I’m still in denial.

What it’s like to be 5 days into a breakup

Actually, mellow.

Distractions are everywhere. You try to distract yourself. You also gain a sense of anger. Regret creeps in. Not the kind of regret that the relationship happened, it’s the regret that you didn’t stand up for yourself earlier. Always the giver, never the taker. Well, except now you took the dump. School is back. There are subjects to study for, things to focus on. But that doesn’t mean for one second that the heart is okay.

There’s no crying. It’s dried up, even the reserves in the heart. It’s bled it all out and now there’s just emptiness. But you’re slowly moving on. Maybe a millimetre every day. Always reminding yourself it’s for the better.

The ones who get dumped are because either they’ve done everything wrong or they’ve done nothing wrong. Doing nothing means placidity. Ok with everything. Everything is with the flow. But you shouldn’t be like that. Being placid is not good. You need your own needs. And meet them. You need to have your own goals.

But I don’t have them yet. I’m still trying to figure out what I want with my life. I want to know what I want to do with myself. I want to be like others who know what their end goal is. I have no idea. My future is hung up in the air waiting for me to come pull it. I thought I was able to handle a relationship while figuring myself out. Is that fair? I gave everything into the relationship. Was that right? I put the person’s needs before mine, was that necessary? Is that love or is that channeling my unknown future worries into what I believed to be love?

5 days into the breakup and life just seems exactly the same as it was before, during, and after my relationship.

A Tiffany & Co. present can’t be from anyone else.

As we all know, Tiffany & Co is the universal symbol of love and nothing is a greater sign of love and happiness from your significant other. You can’t beat it- it’s sparkly, it’s gorgeous, and it’s pant-ripping expensive. It is the ultimate present that your boyfriend gets you so don’t be fooled by any others trying to buy one for you- those don’t mean anything. Friends can’t buy friends Tiffany & Co- it’s just isn’t right. All those heart pendants, those key necklaces, those gorgeous rings- too awkward to buy for a friend. Even the ‘Mom’ pendant — what is THAT doing there?? What on earth is Tiffany & Co thinking, making a ‘Mom’ pendant? Yuck. They have to get rid of that. How do those even make revenue?

Of course, when it is your birthday, your boyfriend must be the one to buy you something from Tiffany & Co. It is the only acceptable present allowed. If he doesn’t pay for the entire present, he doesn’t love you, sorry hon. He simply couldn’t spend a minimum of $165 on you- that’s a shame. I mean if I was a newly full timer, I would totally spend all my money on objective presents and spending everything I’ve saved up on a potential partner. Not to mention my parents would totally agree that I am spending my money wisely. But hey who cares? At least now you’ve reeled this girl in good because you bought her a ring from Tiffany & Co that isn’t one of their engagement rings. And now her parents will expect you to keep buying Tiffany & Co presents, something of equivalent value or more, every birthday, every milestone for the rest of your life. God how I wish I could be living this life right now.

If your friends try to get you a Tiffany & Co ring, be careful- it isn’t coming from your boyfriend. It won’t have the same value- it’s not from your love. Your friends should buy you something else – a tshirt, or some more body lotion which you’ve already stockpiled because that’s what friends are good for. Your friends shouldn’t be getting you a Tiffany & Co present because it’s just way too weird. They’re not in love with you, why are they buying you something from Tiffany & Co?

Sorry all you single ladies. A Tiffany & Co present can’t be from anyone else but your boyfriend. If you want something from them, you better get one first.

Dear those who feel like they want to, or have given up:

I was studying until I suddenly realized, wow, I’m almost done school and it’s almost time to get a job. Literally, that was what happened just now.

Job. What the hell is my job going to be?? I got a boyfriend who’s 25, making some solid money with IBM and I’m almost 22, studying for physiology which I will never use after I’m done this course. Who knew 3.5 years makes such a difference?

But it isn’t school we need to worry about. It’s about what you’re going to do with yourself after. Are you studying what is needed for life? Are you giving up because it doesn’t matter? Every choice that we make, makes a huge impact on our future. Every choice- that includes the night you should have been studying but instead went out to get drunk- on a Thursday. Maybe that extra few hours was the deciding factor between pass or fail. And then you go on this spiral of self loathing ‘damn it self, why are you getting such bad grades?’ and depression. But you, young one, should know that academics will be the least of your problems.

It is what you’re doing right now that is going to bother you the most after school. Regrets are going to come back and haunt you- why didn’t I study harder? Why did I let myself borderline fail my third year? Even worse, why did I waste all my time in school giving up instead of trying to make up for it to make my future a little brighter? I will tell you, I have given up thousands of times over these past 5 years in school, both on school and co-op terms. I had told myself that I can never do well on my midterms no matter how much I studied, I can never contribute to my varsity team’s wins because I’m not good enough, that I am a disappointment to all of those around me, and that my boyfriend will one day realize that I am a complete mess of a person and that he deserves a more well-put, successful, beautiful girl.

But then, what have I ever done to try and change this? Nothing.

I gave up because it was easier than fighting back.

You are studying because you can. You are totally capable of being one of those nerds. And you are able to stand on your own and live a full, successful life. It starts with doing things for yourself. As much as you feel like you need people to help you along the way, you are the only one who can make the biggest change in yourself. You are a winner- you need to tap into that part of your psyche that says I am a boss.

So how did I tap into mine? Anger. Anger that I’ve let myself fall and instead of picking myself back up, laid there. Anger that people I know who are equally as intelligent as me have a very happy life without seeming to make much effort while I made myself have an unhappy life. Anger that I was so insecure and was always belittling myself. Anger that all it took to change my gears was a thought:

Am I really going to keep waiting for people to understand me? They don’t, and they don’t need to. I don’t give a shit about what people think of me anymore- that includes my friends, my boyfriend, anyone. As long as I know I am going down a morally right path, I will do whatever it takes for myself to succeed in life.

I’m back in the game, bitches.