From Two to One to None.

I know these two guys- brothers- and they were my real close, good friends. Were, as you noted. No, we’re not close anymore, let alone good. We used to play together, eat together, hang out together. I used to love watching them bicker in the brotherly fashion they used, all those sassy, sarcastic and drop dead hilarious comments they threw at one another. I knew nothing, absolutely nothing, would come in between or break this bond. And the worst part was I had developed feelings for both of them. And so did they. But I loved the little brother in the sense that I felt like he was my own little brother. I loved the older brother romantically. He was my world, everything and anything I’ve wanted. He could have asked me to do groceries for him and I would have done it in a heartbeat. I was head over Hell for him. It was horrible, immature, and very, very raw. These feelings for him were unfiltered, unaltered, unmasked. People say you feel butterflies in your stomach- I felt pterodactyls. I wouldn’t even know what to say or how to act around him. When his little brother told me he had feelings for me, I faltered. I did, too, but no where near to the feelings I had for his older brother. And so, I let him go. Our friendship died overtime. He grew distant and cold. I didn’t really know who he was anymore, and that chapter in our lives ended too soon.

The older brother had pulled me within his orbit long before I realized it. There was a year where all I could think about was him- he was my first and last thought in my mind every day. Needless to say, that year in school fucking sucked. I had put in only an eighth of my studying efforts into that year. And yes, it was brutal. When I look back at it now, I want to slap myself in the face for being so stupid and blind. I knew exactly what he was going to do to me, and I knew exactly what I should have done but I did not. I let him ruin me, I let him tear me apart top to bottom. He was my most recent ex, the only man I’ve loved so hard, so long, and so purely; and I will never love anyone that purely again. None of it was worth it. I am sick of being played, wronged, and left for selfish reasons. I went from two friends to one, to none.

I had a dream last night. The three of us were lying on a bed, watching a movie. I had laid myself over the two of them- my legs over my ex, and my head propped on my hand and elbow on his brother’s lap. We were friends again. I felt so serene. I felt happy, something that hasn’t happened to me for a time now. But I woke up this morning and I returned to reality. They’re not a part of my life anymore. I don’t want them to be. I don’t want to be reminded of how I failed in keeping the two people I cherished the most. We’re not friends anymore. We are all just memories of each other.

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it’s 2:41 in the morning and i’m still thinking about you.

but really, fuck you because i shouldn’t be.

i’ve only had 1 measly shot and a pint. i’m no where close to being tipsy let alone drunk (i’m not gonna go there again). yet my entire self just feels down and simply, sad. not sad because i’ve been dumped but sad because it’s hit me i’ve lost good friends. you and your brother. and your parents. you said we can still be friends. we’re not friends anymore. we don’t talk. you don’t talk to me. and why should i talk to you? why should i initiate? i’m done initiating. i’m done being the one who tries all the time, the one who actually thought things through and decided things were worth trying. i’m done being the one who gets played by you and i’m done feeling worthless because of you. you can take your amazing new career down to the states, away from me, far away from me, and never speak of it again. you can find that beautiful robotic humanoid projection of your mind (pretty sure she’s caucasian) and live happily ever after as business partners in and out of your career life. you can find happiness in being someone so important, someone with so much face that everyone will know who you are on the streets (please. just please) and someone who has everything in the world but the one person who loved you for who you fucking are, knows you inside out and who loved you above all else and would have done anything to make the relationship work because clearly, there was nothing wrong with our emotional connection. but like you said, we just couldn’t “connect at the intellectual stage”. haha. fuck you. that is all.

1 month, 11 days

This post’s really just for me self reflecting out loud. You’re more than welcome to read it, and discover what is happening inside my head but I warn you, it’s going to be very messy, very disorganized, and very raw.

It’s almost valentine’s day and really yeah i don’t give a shit that i’m single. i remember last year you didn’t even say anything to me let alone do anything. i simply posted a heart onto your wall. there was no reply, no reciprocation. ok, i thought, because that’s just who he is and he doesn’t like to celebrate these little dates i guess. but he also made it private- that like cogwheel icon- which means he controls who’s able to see my post. which comes right back to a really big issue i had: he was still hiding me from public.

like the fuck dude. YOU were the one who told me to stop hiding you from MY friends. and guess what I DID. YOU were the one who wanted me to flaunt you and it wasn’t that i didn’t want to- oh trust me i could flaunt you if i really wanted to- but that i didn’t want you to order me and tell me what to do with my account. had i ever told you to flaunt me? no. you would flaunt me yourself if you felt like i was worthy of it. whatever. don’t give a fuck.

yeah remember those flowers you got me for our 1 year and told me to post them up? but to make it so that your mother can’t see that i posted it? yeah. yeah you’re a dick. and yeah i was stupid not to realize that that was totally wrong. but i listened to you anyways because i didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. whatever. don’t give a fuck.

honestly, i think you really took me for granted. you’d only reply to questions that you want to reply. you’d ignore the questions that you didn’t think was worth your time- because i wasn’t worth your time. you know that i was into you way more than you were ever into me and that i can be easily played by you- you were able to make me do whatever it took to make you happy, to make you love me, to make you stay. wow i sound so incredibly stupid and retarded right now.

all those guys that want to get into my pants? yeah, it’s a real thing. you want to give ryan a piece of your mind? why didn’t you, and why don’t you? saying these things now doesn’t help me or you, so maybe just maybe don’t even try. you were all about jealously yet you did nothing except told ME to stop. you said the issue wasn’t me but the guys. what the fuck was i supposed to do then? if it bothered you, maybe you should have done something. or maybe i just wasn’t worth the time and effort but if you kept saying you were jealous you’d have a reason to be overly crazy and angry – and you know that i’d do anything to stop you from feeling that way – and because you’d be angry you could ignore me without me actually realizing why. i would have thought you were ignoring me because you were angry. but it’s just an excuse for you not to talk to me and to do your own thing.

i think i’m still pretty pissed about that bullshit of ‘im stuck in front of the computer all day, i dont want to come home and stare at it or the phone all night too’. you’re always on your fucking phone. you really think i wouldn’t notice? you’d always be on your phone watching crossfit videos. my messages would always pop up. you just chose to ignore them. you were the one who cut of our communication. you know it. and you wanted to. you know it was impossible for me to talk to you when im school except via our phones. so unless you’re saying that talking to me has absolutely no value to you, you were the one who caused our communication to break down simply because you don’t want to stare at the screen talking to me but rather stare at the screen watching men lift weights.

i absolutely fucking hate how i had done nothing wrong in our relationship yet i was the one who got dumped. if anything it should have been me. i should have left your stupid god damn fucking sexy ass the moment i realized that you will never give me the love that i give you. you were the one who fucking ripped me away from someone who loved me more than you could ever have and i voluntarily left him for you because you were my unfinished business and i loved you to the core- i loved you when you threw me away and i still loved you when you told me to go explore other guys. i trusted you when you said you wanted me and i trusted you when you said “don’t you see how good we are together?” and i don’t fucking trust people left right center. i only trust people who i think deserve my trust. who i know wouldn’t betray me and my feelings. i trusted you for nothing, and you know what? i will never ever trust you again. not with anything. you want to hear that im doing well? fuck you. i wont tell you shit. because i’m not even important to you- if i was never important to you as your girlfriend why the fuck would i be important as your ex?

one month, eleven days, and counting. bring it on you piece of shit of a heartbreaker. you’ll never get me to care about you anymore even though i can never stop loving you. my love runs so deep for you it’s ruining me. i have suppressed my feelings for you once, all those emotions, the hurt, the lust, the happiness, the sadness that you gave me and even though i have it suppressed it doesn’t suppress the fact that you were my everything. i love who i am. but you didn’t. you only loved what i could give you, you loved what i was capable of, and you loved the comfort i provided. but you didn’t love me, and you never did. i was a fucking FOOL to have believed you loved me even for a second. because love does NOT let you throw away someone the moment other plans come up. love does NOT blind you to these life ambitions but rather amplify them and makes you think about your life with that person. so no, don’t even say you loved me. because you OBVIOUSLY didn’t and you’re just fooling yourself. you know nothing. all you ever know is ambition and having everyone around you cater to your needs and if you’re not catered then you could throw them away. i hope to god, like the one you believe in, that you’ll one day suffer the consequences of using people like that. i hope one day you’ll understand my pain, every last drop of it and i hope one day you’ll ask me how to make it go away because i hope that one day ill be able to shove EVERYTHING into your face and make you feel how much pain and suffering my heart went through because of you.

Dear New Girl,

I hope you’re madly in love with him, as he is madly in love with you. I hope that you are able to love his silly, goofy side when he makes those faces, and those ridiculous, silly jokes that make no sense and always end up being about how strong he is. I hope that you love his serious attitude about life, about work, about career and above all I hope you’re being the pillar that I wasn’t able to be for him. That one, solid pillar that he needs most now than ever, to support and motivate him in ways that would help him achieve his dreams. I hope that you’re being tough on him too, driving him to strive for those goals without ever making him feel like it’s unattainable. There will be a lot of times where he will be quiet and withdrawn- don’t worry, that’s because he’s either working, at the gym, eating, showering, or having his personal time with his family. I know, sounds almost impossible for you guys to talk. But don’t worry, there will be time made for you because he’s in love with you and knows you’re an integral part of his life, someone who he’d want to share his life with. He will be making sacrifices for you and I hope you appreciate them because he doesn’t do them for just anyone. I don’t know how he’ll be like when he’s with you but all I hope for is for you to treat him with respect and trust, as he is with you. I also hope, above all else, that you’re able to talk to him about things, important things, that matter to both you and him. That when he starts to muse about things you will listen and give input whether he asks for them or not. That you’ll be your own person and never, ever feel like you’re inferior. Your own opinions and values and goals are what shines out the most so I hope that you’ll be strong enough to talk to him about them.

And you don’t have to worry about me. Sure, we may still be friends when you are dating him but you’ll never have to worry about me. He cannot love me the way he loves you. I may love him, forever, but I am strong enough to know that that needs to stay where it belongs- in the past. You are his present and his future. His family will accept you whole-heartedly and will never be embarrassed to call you his girlfriend. His father would be just as silly and goofy as he is, but he is also extremely hard working and extremely intelligent and I am sure you’ll be able to see where he gets all of his traits and charm from. You will see why he is meticulous because you will see how his mother raised him. And his brother? You’ll know exactly how close they are by watching them and you’ll understand why he puts family first above all. He will never cheat on you, and he will never do anything to deserve your skepticism. He will protect you and love you and you will know. He will be independent but also be dependent on you when situations call for it. And I hope you can be there for him no matter what, when or where. You are his best friend and he trusts you to do the same.

You will feel like the luckiest girl in the world. From his personality to his looks, I guarantee you you will never be disappointed. I wonder how strong he is now. I know he’s hurt his shoulder a while back but I’m positive he’s back on track and lifting things beyond what he never thought was possible for himself. I hope you’ve got strong hands because he loves a good back rub. And if you ever get into a fight, just run your fingers through his hair slowly but firmly, and he’ll always be putty in your hands. When you go out for movies, take his arm and slowly, lightly, run your index finger nail down his biceps and forearm- he will squeeze your hand and let you know that that feels amazing. When you kiss him, don’t be forceful- the gentlest of kiss will show you everything he feels about you. And don’t worry about his hands- it’s a condition that I hope you’re able to see past and accept, even learn to never be bothered by.

We couldn’t work out because I couldn’t give him the one thing he needs the most in a relationship, which is motivation. To make his mind churn, make him focus on his goals. Help him to never lose sight of his dream, and to always support him whenever you see fit. But I hope that, by the time you are with him, he would have already achieved his goal so that all he needs is love. Honest, pure, unconditional love. Because if I could be a driving force for him, I would never have written this letter to you.

You’re Better Off Without The One That Left You

You hear this everywhere and yeah, it’s cliche but there’s a reason why it’s a cliche, because it’s true. You are better off without the person who left you. There are so many valid reasons why a person leaves you. Sometimes, it may actually not be their fault. But life happens people. This is life, and life throws so much shit at you from personal shit to health problems, from literally from a world of happiness to a world of nothing, from a place of high status to a place where it is reviled. You cannot change the past, you cannot look back on all your mistakes and think how you could have been different to change the outcome. You can’t. What’s done is done, and what’s better is that you know you were being true to yourself without forcing yourself to change to hang on to something that is doomed from the start. The best part about moving on and moving forwards is that you’re so much fucking stronger than them. You got the shit they gave you, and you made something out of it. You were able to handle yourself so well you became an even better person than you would be if you still clung onto them. Emotions still happen. Anger is always there. Sadness and tears will happen spontaneously. They’ll creep into your thoughts. All of these things happen. But they shouldn’t stop you. Take a moment. Pause. Breathe. You’re still human afterall. But you’re also not. You’re a super human, who has been through the worst kind of pain, an emotionally broken heart. And you’re not a person who lets these things happen to you all the time. You’re a person who takes these experiences and make them a part of you. Building yourself into a stronger person. That is something they won’t get. That is something they won’t have the chance to experience with you and that is the ultimate loss.

So wipe your tears and get off your ass. There’s a whole life ahead of you that you’re wasting on by wallowing in your sadness. Get up and make them regret leaving you. Make yourself into a person who forgives but never forgets, who turns pain into strength, and protects their heart from all those pieces of shit.

Because you’re better off without them. You’re so much better off without them. You’re so fucking better off without them.

How to get over him.

It’s like forcing to throw up something you ate days ago. It’s like trying to hold your breath in your bathtub and hoping you wouldn’t have the reaction to gasp for air. It’s suppressing every single memory of him whenever your mind wanders back to it and you stop yourself with a pinch or something else to keep your mind away. It’s telling yourself it will never ever be good again, and you will never hold him the same way again and feel his lingering hand disappear forever. The love you have for him needs to go needs to hide and never resurface again. You have to do something that doesn’t remind you of him, doesn’t  remind you why you went back to him in a heartbeat. Everything reminds you of him. What can you do? Every breath hurts every heart beat hurts as if someone was clenching their fist around it and squeezing it with all their might. You never thought this would happen again. But it did. You’re a mess. But you have to go on. How do you go on like this. How do you accept the fact he’s really really gone from your life. How do you accept that love you’ve suppressed and resurface only to kill it completely is the love you will never feel for a person again? How can you get over someone who never loved as deeply as you, how can you have been with someone who never knew that you were capable of doing so?  How do you stop this. Make it stop. It’s crushing you. The heaviest weight. It’s not even a weight anymore. It’s your own body sinking into itself twisting and writhing until you’re a pile of nothing. It may have not been all for nothing but your love was all for nothing.