You hear this everywhere and yeah, it’s cliche but there’s a reason why it’s a cliche, because it’s true. You are better off without the person who left you. There are so many valid reasons why a person leaves you. Sometimes, it may actually not be their fault. But life happens people. This is life, and life throws so much shit at you from personal shit to health problems, from literally from a world of happiness to a world of nothing, from a place of high status to a place where it is reviled. You cannot change the past, you cannot look back on all your mistakes and think how you could have been different to change the outcome. You can’t. What’s done is done, and what’s better is that you know you were being true to yourself without forcing yourself to change to hang on to something that is doomed from the start. The best part about moving on and moving forwards is that you’re so much fucking stronger than them. You got the shit they gave you, and you made something out of it. You were able to handle yourself so well you became an even better person than you would be if you still clung onto them. Emotions still happen. Anger is always there. Sadness and tears will happen spontaneously. They’ll creep into your thoughts. All of these things happen. But they shouldn’t stop you. Take a moment. Pause. Breathe. You’re still human afterall. But you’re also not. You’re a super human, who has been through the worst kind of pain, an emotionally broken heart. And you’re not a person who lets these things happen to you all the time. You’re a person who takes these experiences and make them a part of you. Building yourself into a stronger person. That is something they won’t get. That is something they won’t have the chance to experience with you and that is the ultimate loss.
So wipe your tears and get off your ass. There’s a whole life ahead of you that you’re wasting on by wallowing in your sadness. Get up and make them regret leaving you. Make yourself into a person who forgives but never forgets, who turns pain into strength, and protects their heart from all those pieces of shit.
Because you’re better off without them. You’re so much better off without them. You’re so fucking better off without them.
Have you ever had something you wanted to tell someone but also know you should keep as a secret instead? It could be personal, it could be someone else’s secret (but not so-secret, let’s be real). And all you hope for is for someone to know your secret without actually asking you outright about it. Sometimes it happens, and sometimes it makes you feel great. Sometimes, it backfires.
So the person actually knew what was wrong with you- or at least, could tell what was wrong. And you though crap, my secret is blown- but is it? Is it actually a secret though, or should this actually be something people should know? Last night, out of the blue, my boyfriend asked if I needed to talk to him about something. And magically enough, that same day I had posted my 3am rant (see last post). He knows I have this ridiculous blog but he also said he wouldn’t actively seek it out again. Which made me wonder if he was telling the truth, not that I care if he reads or not. My rant basically explained how I felt a little left out when he was with his friends and how I just sometimes don’t know how and why I’m okay with being secondary with the things in his life. Ironically too he said he hoped I didn’t feel secondary but the fact is that I am- which he also seemed to have confirmed and yes, it’s still okay with me. It’s just when I think about it sometimes, especially at this time of year, I basically see him as much as I would during the school year when I would be back in the land of nowhere. And I also talk to him as much as I would during the school year, or as much as I would as an ordinary, unappealing friend.
I know he’s not a big talker through text. But my biggest secret I don’t want to tell him is I feel like the only time he would pay attention to me is before and during sex. And by attention I mean actually doing things a boyfriend would normally do. Once sex is over, attention drops to the unappealing friend zone.
Yeah I’m probably overthinking it and yeah I’m probably being a huge drama queen about it but whatever. If i didn’t even care about this relationship I wouldn’t even care about this. This can’t be something I can say to him, because a part of me also knows it’s not true- but my feelings are real. It’s all about feelings vs reality. And even though one may not be real, it sure feels real to me.
The comfort stage. The stage where nothing exciting happens. Same shit different day. But at one point in life, there was excitement. There was fiery passion and there was love. The days that go by quickly because of work ends with the three words that can fill a heart with joy. The days where you cannot wait to feel the warmth of their skin against yours and the hugs that surrounded you with happiness… Now but empty memories just months past.
Now it’s a chore. There is no need or the feel of want to connect anymore. It is simply a part of your life now. Mundane. Boring. Nothing of interest. Even annoying, to feel needed. Quietness ensues. Then silence.
The Love that once consumed becomes the love that kills. There is no out.
I was at a bubbletea place the other night with my boyfriend. We were chatting after a long day at a golf tournament together and we were just sitting and enjoying ourselves, as we never really do this often. So we’re talking and talking until he randomly came up with plans for this Christmas. He asked if I would like to come with him this Christmas and of course, being a masochist I said no because I had no money even though that’s all I could ever ask for. Then he started to try to make me feel better by explaining how trips aren’t actually that expensive especially for all inclusives and yadda yadda. Then he says “You’ll have lots of chances in the future.”
There is nothing wrong with the sentence. And it was very reassuring coming from him, and of course it made me happy- for a bit. I am not a picky person and especially not when it comes to what people meant. But somehow, I couldn’t get over the fact that he said I will, and not “we will”. It’s not a big thing. Seriously. I even feel ridiculous writing about this. But it bugs me. And kinda makes me sad.
Whenever we talk about the future, we always put the two of our futures separately. We never include each other in our personal future- we never say “We will go somewhere” or “Our place would be nice” or anything of that sort. It would be “I will be going” or “My house would have a personal gym”. And this is exactly what I signed up for. I’m not complaining, no, really, not at all, I’m kinda just saying it and putting my feelings out there instead of bottling it up waiting for it to explode at a very wrong moment. I just feel like my relationship is so business-like and very very independent. Independence is great but…it could also be a little overdone. I mean, if you keep saying it so that your future just has you and you alone, why are you in a relationship? How would the other person feel? In my opinion, it makes me feel shitty but I always brush it off. I’ve gotten used to brushing it off. And now I’m starting to get feminine doubts about what I’m really doing and who I’m doing it for aside from myself.
I’m sure he doesn’t actually mean it to sound so cut off. But who has time to decipher words and what they actually mean all the time? I’m probably being extremely emotional and stupid right now but it honestly feels like we’re living our lives in parallel, not together. We are doing things for our own future, not for our future. My parents would always mention my future with him and how I need to get my shit together if we want a solid future together. I don’t even bother.
I know I think like a guy and my boyfriend knows I think like a guy. He loves that I understand him. But sometimes, it doesn’t hurt to make me feel like a girl outside of sex, right?
I made a phone call to my student advisor asking whether I needed this last credit for my co-op job. I don’t. So technically, I don’t have to work this last week (ie. next week) at work. Long story short, coop students would accumulate overtime hours that can cover for this last week of work. Well, unfortunately, due to being a part of the golf varsity team, I had to miss a week of work earlier in June for Nationals. My overtime hours accumulated by then, covered for that. Thus, I would be the only one at work next week, with a couple admin people. I don’t need to work it. I have all my credits. I don’t even get paid for this week. But no. It’s apparently going to affect my transcript, saying something along the lines of “this student has horrible ethics” if I don’t work the week. So, of course, I will stay the week to work it. Alone. Cleaning out shit from unused areas in our department, like what a co-op student does best.
What’s even better is that my parents admonished me for even bringing up the fact that my friend asked me to go on a trip with her. They stared at me like I had a mental problem- and after a couple scruffs became harsh scorning- sneering and copying with much contempt, my question of whether I was allowed to go. She asked why she wasn’t allowed to go, my mother mocked, and gave several scoffs to go with her mockery. Where does she think money comes from, trees?
Seriously. A simple ‘no’ would have sufficed thank you. Guess they like it over the top. I was just asking. But I guess I won’t ask anymore.
Then my boyfriend just texted me with great hope that I could come with him for the long weekend. My fam’s heading down to Niagara, he said, and they’d love it if you could join us. I had stared blankly into the phone, already knowing that even though I wanted nothing more than to say yes, I’d love to accompany you guys, I had to force my fingers to say Sorry. I don’t think I can afford missing out Monday at work. Have fun!
Can exes be friends? Like, real friends? I feel like you could. But it wouldn’t be the same. You can’t joke about things anymore because it reminds you of the past and it suddenly becomes awkward. You don’t want your feelings to become stirred again- happy or sad. Things are fine, not talking. But things are also fine talking. Is it really? You don’t know. Your body naturally stops you from hurting yourself- physically and emotionally. When things are going okay, you cut it short- you don’t want to be hurt again. Exes probably can’t be friends. Acquaintances, at best. “Yeah, I know her.” But you probably wouldn’t say “I used to love her.” It hurts when you really think about it. It hurts when you realized that the person you honestly would have wanted to live your life with just won’t be that person anymore. And it sucks. How are you supposed to call yourselves friends when there is no interaction anymore? Your friends called her a keeper. But she was the one who left. A hole in your group of friends, segregation. You can’t forgive and you can’t forget. But isn’t that what friends do? You guys can’t be friends. It’s either love or indifference. Friendship is obliterated once a relationship is over. There is no going back. Can you live with that decision? Can you live knowing that who you once loved is now a total stranger? Even if both sides of the party wanted to remain friends, life doesn’t work that way. You can’t be. You never will be again.