I have this habit where I would be working on something completely academic (like these law notes I am supposedly studying) and suddenly I’d be having imaginary conversations with myself. Sound familiar? I hope I’m not the only one.
Funny thing is, I’d be having imaginary conversations with the man who broke my heart- I don’t really like labeling him with the ‘correct’ term for some reason because, well, I don’t really wanna go there just yet. Maybe I’m still in denial. Or maybe not after reading what I’m going to share.
Honestly, I’m not that sad anymore. I am sad of course, shit, sad as fuck but, I’m dealing with it in a manner I didn’t even know I could. And I think this definitely has to be thanked for by the FIRST time he broke my heart- I’m sure every ounce of emotions and feelings for him has been swept away the first time which leaves only a bit of residual for the second. The coping part, I mean. I loved him with all my heart yes. And that just got me thinking- how does someone never love you back when you love them so much?
So while talking in my imaginary conversation, I imagined him talking to me again. You know, just friends, catching up after years later. By then he would have had the best career experience in his life, become successful, find himself, and will be extremely content with his life. I, on the other hand, would be extremely content with my career because I’m picky. And my job would not be just any job, it would be a job I know I can be happy with. I’m making a good living for myself, loving what I do, and I have all my friends and family to spend time with. And then we’d start to reminisce, talking about that time we went to D&B and we got the jackpot twice. Yeah, I still remember. And then we’d fall silent, sipping on our respective drinks. I still care about you, he’d say. And I’d nod, and shrug my shoulders. Yeah, me too. I did love you, he’d continue. This time, I’d put down my cup, smile tartly, then quickly shake my head.
“No, you didn’t. I respect that you tried. But you never loved me. You only loved the idea of me.”
Where in the hell did I think of that response? I must admit, my eyes widened (not that anyone saw) when I thought of that response. It was funny because I’d continue the conversation and I’d see him shaking his head. Believe what you want to believe, he’d say, just like he did when he decided we cannot continue our relationship. Then I’d smile again. I’ve done a lot of thinking about this you know. And I’m positive everything that has happened between us only lead to that answer. You know why I didn’t cut the relationship off? Because I wanted it, I am committed to it, and I was the only one trying anymore. And obviously, it couldn’t work because it was only one side trying- I was tipping the boat onto its side either way.Yeah we both made sacrifices, but what sacrifices did you make of yourself to it? Cancelling a class doesn’t really count. I meant person-wise. You refused to make more time for me. You knew I had trust issues because of you yet, blame me that I have trust issues and that it wasn’t fair to compare. I don’t think that’s me trying to compare. I think those were the solid, hard facts. The hard facts stared straight at me: you will never give up your time for me without me asking. And of course, being the one who knows you, who loves you, I would never ask you to give your own time up for me. I always just wanted you to do it yourself. That was the problem in the first place, you couldn’t sacrifice yourself for the relationship, and you weren’t committed to do so even though you showed so much promise in the beginning. My answer is that when you truly love someone, you can and will make those sacrifices. You can’t help it- you want this person. Caring isn’t loving but loving automatically includes caring.Those personal sacrifices are worth taking for this person whom you love. Whom you’re committed to when you first asked her out. Which lets me prove that you never loved me, only the idea of me. Or, alternatively, you’ve never actually experienced what real love is.
Damn, I should try writing some deep, relatable thought provoking articles for Thought Catalog or something. Or not. Maybe I’m just delusional. I felt like I wrote something grand but really, probably, I wrote some piece of crap that just sounds depressing and definitely points to the fact that I’m still in denial.