Experience means you know what’s best right?

So many times I’ve heard them say “I love you” or “You’re the best” or “There’s nobody else I want”. I’ve heard it so many times I actually can’t feel excited or happy that somebody said that to me and I can almost say I’m immune to those words. Sure, you can say that now but let’s see you say that a year from now, or two, if we even get to that point. I know when I toss those words out I mean them. I won’t ever take them back. So experience has taught me one thing about love and relationships: the typical things said are simply not enough. And never believe them.

I guess that’s kind of sad that I can’t believe in those words that are supposed to bring joy and are supposed to mean everything to someone. But it’s okay. Because experience tells me that the next person that can blow my mind away without using such typical responses or typical phrases is probably worth getting to know. But when you’re struggling to find a full time job while filling your time with a useless part time job, it gets hard to find someone like that. And I’m not even ready to go out to meet new people, flirt, and make myself jump into a new relationship. I don’t even think about relationships anymore. And where many of my friends do, or at least are contemplating on them, I can only smile and talk about it to appease their interest in them.

He’s my best friend and I care about him to bits. He’s my rock whenever I needed to be grounded, he’s my comfort whenever I needed to cry, and he’s always always there without fail, without disappointment. But experience means you know what’s best right?

Sometimes my subconscious needs to suffer too

I pulled into my driveway, and saw Tifa. She was as cute as ever and as I got out of the car….whose car was it… I called to the dog. She yawned, and suddenly he calls out to her. She leaps towards him. Like she always did in reality.

His mother came out of nowhere. She extends her arms and gives me a hug. How are you, she asked. I said Okay, shakily. She gave a prim smile.

Next thing I knew, we were all inside my house. I went upstairs to change but I heard him follow behind me. I went into my room. He followed me in. My clothes were strewn everywhere, but he didn’t even talk to me and went straight to my full length mirror as if I didn’t exist. He was looking at himself. Then he left, without another word. He started to go back downstairs. I remember my body walking on its own.

“Stephen,” I called down.

“What?” He responded, half turning his head. It was the first time he acknowledged me in the dream. 

I felt angry. I felt an immense wave of sadness. But for some reason, I didn’t respond after that, and hid behind the closet door away from the view of the staircase. I heard the floorboards creak under his weight slightly, as if he was looking for me. Then it creaked, signifying he walked away. I slowly walked back out, starting to feel a heaviness in my chest. It must have made a sound because suddenly, he walked back out and made his way upstairs. I quickly went back into my room.

He came in, and I had my back turned to him.

Then I felt his arms around me. He was hugging me.

We exchanged a couple sentences, and then I imploded.

My knees found their way to the ground and I curled over, unable to take the pain, the crushing pain in my chest as I began to cry wildly. I cried until I needed to take a breath, and felt my body shuddering with my sharp gasps for air. His arms were still around me, and he never let go.

Until I woke up.

what is pain

it doesn’t matter what made you sad, how it happened or how long it will last. whatever makes you experience the pain of sadness doesn’t escape your memory easily. it could be a death of a loved one, loss of finances, a break up, a rough patch in your life where nothing falls into place, nothing is going well for you. your career might be falling apart, or you hate it so much you come home dead every day, or your children refuse to talk to you.

for me, a couple things have gotten me very down and i’m sure i’m not the only one. after realizing the job i had landed before was nothing i had expected to be, including being a victim of unecessary pickiness and a non-encouraging environment, i had to leave it for the sake of my sanity. coming home everyday frustrated and angry and depressed wasn’t my idea of a good start to my career.

on top of that, i had recently found out my ex has a new girl now. which i’m sure she’s an amazing person. but that part of me just knows, she’s the reason why he left me. no matter how many times i tried to wrap my head around the reason he told me, “you aren’t a motivational drive for me”, it just couldn’t make sense to me. and so, when i had accidentally found out about this new girl, it all made sense. everything hit home. they met at his gym, where he basically lived, and she was a lifter. yes, that was all she had to be to have something going. and so i bawled, again, after 9 months of being as strong as i could to carry past the initial hurt, like a baby. everything hurt as much as the first time he left me to “explore with other guys” and the second time when he pulled me away from another man back into his arms just to leave me again. it’s so easy to handle it on the surface. it’s so easy to just shrug it off and say ‘it was for the best’ or ‘he wasn’t worth it, now i know’ but you can’t just dismiss memories, and experiences, like it was nothing that was worth remembering. every fucking memory in your life is worth remembering. that month of work, where my manager picked on the most ridiculous details to seeing another girl post on my ex’s post was very painful.

what is pain? is it that physical clenching of the heart or a physical wound which causes you to bleed or is it tears that just can’t stop when they had to, or rolling yourself into a ball in the washroom hoping nobody sees you? loving them to the ends of the earth only to have the dream of being together shattered by technical reasons is painful. having to leave someone you love because they’re not ready to face the world is painful. there are so many definitions of pain. but my personal definition of pain is how my heart feels since the beginning of the year. it’s in constant pain. it feels like theresĀ  a dead weight on it, unable to be lifted no matter how much i distract myself, how much i drive myself forward, how much i see friends, help them, or spend time with family. it’s like it’s caving in on itself, and honestly, i’m a little scared.

i can barely feel a pulse when i put my hand over it, and as i lie down in bed to get through another day, i can hear its faint beating in my ears.

that’s my pain.

“Have you ever wanted to forget?”

“If it’s something you’re meant to forget, you will. Without even thinking you want to forget it. Because, the more times you think you want to forget, the stronger those memories become, right? So doesn’t that mean that, deep in your subconscious, you think you really shouldn’t forget them?”

I was okay until I wasn’t.

You were so hell bent on being my friend and I thought that was because you valued me as one. Not to make yourself feel less guilty as you try to hide the fact you have a new girl in your life.

She is everything I expected her to be- pretty, successful looking (ie probably is), and of course, she lifts. Perfect match for you. Good on you and good on her. Of course she’d be into you. Who wouldn’t.

I hope you’ll treat this new girl right. And I hope that you’ll see her as a motivation and not as another sex toy. I hope she’ll fit your every need and want. Have a good life together.

And this is the last goodbye. I will never talk to you again, just for her sake.

We know better.

It feels so good to talk to him again. Not an excited, romantic kind of talk. A normal, friendly, missing kind of talk. I miss him. Yeah, he was a great friend. My best friend. And I was treated so damn right.

But we know better. We miss the relationship. We both do. We missed the highs that came with it and even the lows. Not that we had a lot of those.

We know better than to tread backward. We know.  But knowing sometimes isn’t enough. 

Malwares and Viruses UGH.

Well, apparently that one stupid malware that was hiding in my computer months ago finally blew up. Damn it people. Why the hell did you invent viruses and malwares?? Let’s be real.. you can earn money in MANY OTHER WAYS.

So my friend suggested I get Malwarebytes for malware scan/removal and Avast for antivirus. Malwarebytes cleaned up pretty good- the malwares I had were called supersaver, clickpotato and dealsaver or some shit like that, along with some key registry infections. Albeit annoying, it worked- I was using Spybot Search and Destroy before but it never really did anything, I found. So out it goes, and installed Malwarebytes. Hopefully it and Avast don’t just peace out like AVG did..

I’ve been scanning for about an hour now with Malwarebytes and no threats have been found yet (FINALLY). Custom scanning for rootkits, within archives as well, and detecting PUP/PUMs. I’m happy just to see ‘0 detected objects’.

I actually installed Avast right when Malwarebytes was doing its job but it made a quick scan upon installation already- it has yet to run so here’s hoping -knocksonwood- the virus checks come clean.

tl;dr: people suck. download malwarebytes and avast.

Woke up to a hurting heart.

I woke up from a dream this morning with my heart cringing in pain. In the dream my brother was going off to vacation with his girlfriend and was passing things off to me to take care of while he packs up, getting ready to leave. He was so happy. I was happy. Then my phone starts to go off in my pocket, must have been accidentally turned on, and I see all these pictures of me and him, laughing. He was smiling and laughing in all of them, genuinely, and it made me hurt so bad. I saw his face so clearly. I remember I turned off my phone and started scrambling around my room trying to remove any objects that reminded me of him. And then my brothers belongings spill out of his bag, pictures of him and his girlfriend, cuddling, smiling, in love. I started to cry uncontrollably.

I woke up with my heart in pain. And it still is in pain. His face is etched in my mind, his laugh, his smile, that picture. I can’t forget it. And it hurts.

From Two to One to None.

I know these two guys- brothers- and they were my real close, good friends. Were, as you noted. No, we’re not close anymore, let alone good. We used to play together, eat together, hang out together. I used to love watching them bicker in the brotherly fashion they used, all those sassy, sarcastic and drop dead hilarious comments they threw at one another. I knew nothing, absolutely nothing, would come in between or break this bond. And the worst part was I had developed feelings for both of them. And so did they. But I loved the little brother in the sense that I felt like he was my own little brother. I loved the older brother romantically. He was my world, everything and anything I’ve wanted. He could have asked me to do groceries for him and I would have done it in a heartbeat. I was head over Hell for him. It was horrible, immature, and very, very raw. These feelings for him were unfiltered, unaltered, unmasked. People say you feel butterflies in your stomach- I felt pterodactyls. I wouldn’t even know what to say or how to act around him. When his little brother told me he had feelings for me, I faltered. I did, too, but no where near to the feelings I had for his older brother. And so, I let him go. Our friendship died overtime. He grew distant and cold. I didn’t really know who he was anymore, and that chapter in our lives ended too soon.

The older brother had pulled me within his orbit long before I realized it. There was a year where all I could think about was him- he was my first and last thought in my mind every day. Needless to say, that year in school fucking sucked. I had put in only an eighth of my studying efforts into that year. And yes, it was brutal. When I look back at it now, I want to slap myself in the face for being so stupid and blind. I knew exactly what he was going to do to me, and I knew exactly what I should have done but I did not. I let him ruin me, I let him tear me apart top to bottom. He was my most recent ex, the only man I’ve loved so hard, so long, and so purely; and I will never love anyone that purely again. None of it was worth it. I am sick of being played, wronged, and left for selfish reasons. I went from two friends to one, to none.

I had a dream last night. The three of us were lying on a bed, watching a movie. I had laid myself over the two of them- my legs over my ex, and my head propped on my hand and elbow on his brother’s lap. We were friends again. I felt so serene. I felt happy, something that hasn’t happened to me for a time now. But I woke up this morning and I returned to reality. They’re not a part of my life anymore. I don’t want them to be. I don’t want to be reminded of how I failed in keeping the two people I cherished the most. We’re not friends anymore. We are all just memories of each other.

Let’s Fly

I’ve dreamed of the day when we would board that plane to Italy- just the two of us. I dreamed that we would be so excited we wouldn’t be able to sleep the previous night and we would stay up all night talking about our itinerary and anything we may have forgotten to pack. I dreamed that we would fly across the world and experience something new and breathtaking together. Capri, I had told you, was my must-see. And you said you would be my traveling buddy. It sounded great at the time, until now. You never made us more intimate. I was always left out in your world, just a side thing, just a buddy. My plane swerved and started to nosedive. You had faded so fast from me I didn’t even notice.

Up, up, here we go, where we stop… everybody knows.