Experience means you know what’s best right?

So many times I’ve heard them say “I love you” or “You’re the best” or “There’s nobody else I want”. I’ve heard it so many times I actually can’t feel excited or happy that somebody said that to me and I can almost say I’m immune to those words. Sure, you can say that now but let’s see you say that a year from now, or two, if we even get to that point. I know when I toss those words out I mean them. I won’t ever take them back. So experience has taught me one thing about love and relationships: the typical things said are simply not enough. And never believe them.

I guess that’s kind of sad that I can’t believe in those words that are supposed to bring joy and are supposed to mean everything to someone. But it’s okay. Because experience tells me that the next person that can blow my mind away without using such typical responses or typical phrases is probably worth getting to know. But when you’re struggling to find a full time job while filling your time with a useless part time job, it gets hard to find someone like that. And I’m not even ready to go out to meet new people, flirt, and make myself jump into a new relationship. I don’t even think about relationships anymore. And where many of my friends do, or at least are contemplating on them, I can only smile and talk about it to appease their interest in them.

He’s my best friend and I care about him to bits. He’s my rock whenever I needed to be grounded, he’s my comfort whenever I needed to cry, and he’s always always there without fail, without disappointment. But experience means you know what’s best right?

You’re Better Off Without The One That Left You

You hear this everywhere and yeah, it’s cliche but there’s a reason why it’s a cliche, because it’s true. You are better off without the person who left you. There are so many valid reasons why a person leaves you. Sometimes, it may actually not be their fault. But life happens people. This is life, and life throws so much shit at you from personal shit to health problems, from literally from a world of happiness to a world of nothing, from a place of high status to a place where it is reviled. You cannot change the past, you cannot look back on all your mistakes and think how you could have been different to change the outcome. You can’t. What’s done is done, and what’s better is that you know you were being true to yourself without forcing yourself to change to hang on to something that is doomed from the start. The best part about moving on and moving forwards is that you’re so much fucking stronger than them. You got the shit they gave you, and you made something out of it. You were able to handle yourself so well you became an even better person than you would be if you still clung onto them. Emotions still happen. Anger is always there. Sadness and tears will happen spontaneously. They’ll creep into your thoughts. All of these things happen. But they shouldn’t stop you. Take a moment. Pause. Breathe. You’re still human afterall. But you’re also not. You’re a super human, who has been through the worst kind of pain, an emotionally broken heart. And you’re not a person who lets these things happen to you all the time. You’re a person who takes these experiences and make them a part of you. Building yourself into a stronger person. That is something they won’t get. That is something they won’t have the chance to experience with you and that is the ultimate loss.

So wipe your tears and get off your ass. There’s a whole life ahead of you that you’re wasting on by wallowing in your sadness. Get up and make them regret leaving you. Make yourself into a person who forgives but never forgets, who turns pain into strength, and protects their heart from all those pieces of shit.

Because you’re better off without them. You’re so much better off without them. You’re so fucking better off without them.

Why People Fall Out of Love

It happens. The extreme butterflies that you feel when you begin a new relationship, a new bond forging. The way your heart quickens at the sight and even hearing their name. They way they’re the first and last thing on your mind when you wake up and go to sleep every day. You can’t stop thinking about them, literally. Everything you do reminds you of them, and how you wish they were with you.

The relationship ensues. Happiness ensues. But to what ends? Fights start to occur. Differences start to appear. Values start to become clear, and this relationship, where you once thought is going to last forever, breaks apart into little pieces because one side just can’t handle it anymore.

A common explanation is “My feelings aren’t as strong anymore.”

Why? Why do feelings have to be such fleeting things? Nobody means to hurt anyone yet, it happens. Why is the heart such a fickle thing? How on earth can we claim that we love someone then? Why do feelings grow stronger or grow weaker? Is there a way to manipulate someone’s feelings so that they never stop loving you? How is that normal, how is that natural? Everyone talks about ‘the game’. But playing the game only has one purpose: to string the person out until they cave without letting them know exactly how strong you feel about them. Why must we do this to ourselves? Why do we play this damn game?

We crave something new. Fresh experiences. New feelings. It’s in our nature to love. But it’s also in our nature to keep finding someone else once we become comfortable. And there’s the rub- they just became too comfortable with you. There’s no more excitement for them, no thrill of the chase, just stability. And what’s a relationship without chaos, without drama? So they fall out of love. Slowly, unknowingly.. until it hits you. Both.

How Alcohol Poisoning Affected Me.

I hate binge drinkers. I also despise those who drink their sorrows and woes away. I hate those who use alcohol as an escape, to numb their pain the easy way. I hate those who repeatedly go through this cycle of drinking and puking and then again.

Last night, I was all of these. I binge-drinked. I drowned away my emotional pain of my fresh break up. I took 8 shots of straight vodka within a couple hours. The result? I have never felt more useless, emotional, depressed, worthless and stupid in my life. No body could make me feel better. I caused everyone I care about trouble, including and especially my parents who woke up at 5 in the morning and rushed to the hospital where I was taken after nonstop vomiting in my friend’s basement. Them and my friends stayed until the morning when I finally started to regain my consciousness and realized I was in the hospital with an IV drip to my wrist. They told me I had been vomiting all night long and I was dry heaving. I was shaking and crying and nauseated. I was the epitome of a real mess.

I had a severe case of alcohol poisoning. Even now, I reek of it. Even when I’m breathing through my nose, there’s a smell of alcohol. My stomach is empty and feels like it needs to retch again. I can barely walk on my own and I feel so god damn shitty. Not just physically. I was actually on the brink of fatal damage. Had I not been rushed to the hospital who knows, I would have been dead.

And now, I’m wallowing in my own mistake at home. I also can’t believe how incredibly stupid I’ve been. How did 1 guy turn me upside down? Why do I never learn from my mistakes? Why am I letting him control my life? I want to be someone better. I want to be someone. Someone who actually makes an effort with their life and not constantly complaining about how bad it is. I do it so often. I hate doing it so often. But this is a new low for me. I have never felt this shitty in my entire life. And as strong as I’m trying to be, it doesn’t seem to be working in my mind. I have to verbalize my thoughts, make them heard, before I can attempt to hold back tears. God I’m such a bad daughter. There is no words that can amount to how grateful I feel to my parents. And all I’ve been doing was rebelling them, trying to make them see I’m a strong person. Strong person my ass. I took them for granted. And I never want to take them for granted again.

There is still so much alcohol flowing through me. It’s not close to being done in my system. And I feel sick to the bone knowing that. All the trouble I’ve caused to my friends and family was not worth it one bit. Being poisoned is definitely something I would never want to happen in my life again, or wish for anyone. Being blacked out drunk and puking is one of the worst things I’ve ever done. My hands are tingling. My stomach wants to flip. My head’s spinning. And I need to do well in my last term of school. How the hell is that going to happen, I don’t even know.

If there’s one thing that alcohol poisoning taught me, it’s that at the end of the day, your life keeps going. You can’t simply just stop and wish it would disappear all in one moment. What you do to your body you will haunt you. Your body will haunt you.

And never, ever, take your parents for granted. Because if there’s one real love in this damn world, it’s the love of your parents.

“We’re on a small break”

How many of you have experienced this before? Taking a little “break” from the relationship. It’s like a breakup, but not really. Basically you guys decided that you’ve had enough of each other for the day and (maybe after an argument) break if off. A small pause, a small “hold on, let me get my shit together first and I’ll be right back” kind of break.

Well, I’m here to tell you no. No, small breaks aren’t feasible. Small breaks aren’t real breaks- and it sucks for one or the other person in the relationship to think that there is such a thing as a small break. My first relationship ever, took a ‘small break’. I honestly thought that it was just, you know, a temporary break. He said to me “maybe we should take a break”. And to me, that meant a little pause to gather our thoughts then get back together.

No.

The “maybe we should take a break” literally means “we need to breakup”. It’s just a nicer, albeit pussy, way of putting it. Oh yes, it’s true. Small breaks NEVER work. There is no such thing as small breaks. When I asked him, a few days later, whether we were still on hold, he told me “yeah.” Then I asked him when we would get back together. He then told me the truth.

I guess I was never fond of that phrase after, go figure. Of course it devastated me and it hit me so hard right then and there when I realized that shit, the small break literally meant break up. So when people throw around the use of “oh we’re on a break”, it kinda bugs me a little. Not because it’s silly, no, it’s because one of them is going to get hurt tremendously in the end, which is inevitable anyways. And to be weened into that stage is the worst. There is no such thing as a good breakup, unless both people ACTUALLY end up mutually agreeing that neither loves one another anymore, honestly. There is no such thing as a little break. It’s either in or out. You can’t be ‘sort of’ in a relationship. It’s like saying “I’m kind of divorced, but not really”. And if you think about it, it doesn’t make any sense.

So what’s the point of this? The point is that if you had to take a break from the relationship, you might as well break it off. It means that things don’t work well enough for the both of you to stay together through the rough patches without calling it quits. Just think about it- if you end up marrying each other, and the SAME problems arise, are you going to go through a “small break” again? What if you live together? How can you not see each other while on this “small break”? What happens to your children? The house?

So please, man up. Face it. Face the problem. Don’t run away with a ‘small break’. Because it will keep coming back to you, worse and worse until it escalates into something so terrible you either end up in a horrible relationship, or a horrible break up. The relationships that keep bouncing on and off can’t work. The ones that ‘broke up a couple times and got back a couple times after’ won’t work. Think about it. Just think about it.

I probably sound like a douchebag to all of you who may be in this scenario, but I’m here to tell you that I’m not trying to spite you..I’m trying to help, whether you take this little advice or not. Be confident in what you want and be assertive for the things you want. Don’t settle. Always strive for something more. If you know that it’s bad for you, drop it. If you know it’s good for you, let it enrich your life. Don’t make excuses. Make decisions and stick to them. Because like you, I have been in this situation before and I know exactly how it feels. Sometimes, the bad things in a relationship are overcome by the good because you’re desperately trying to salvage this. But it’s the bad things, not the good, that make or break the relationship in the end.

How To Make a Man Want You 101

So recently, my good friend has been under some intense drama with another man. She’s been asking me some questions that were interesting so I thought I’d write them down here to share. Now again, my opinions are mine and mine alone, and are in no way the gospel of truth- only simply what I believe in from my own personal experiences as well as from watching others. The biggest desire she wanted was for this man to want her. I’ve touched upon this subject a lot, between wanting to see someone/not minding seeing someone. Want means you’re the first priority. Not minding means you’re not. Everybody wants to be somebody’s first priority. But the biggest question is how do you exactly play your cards right so that this guy, who you’ve always dreamed of dating and having a future with (but unfortunately he never had the intent to think the same about you before), wants you?

1. Don’t. Panic.

A man can easily sense a woman’s tension. And if he talks to you a lot, he will know when you’re acting different- and when you’re acting different it means something is up. Your tone, for example- your regular, normal conversation tone versus ‘I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING BIG’ tone, sets something off in the man if he senses it. If he senses you panicking, or squirmy, he WILL back off. A man cannot handle a girl in panic. Because he knows if her panicky state goes on, he WILL get swamped with emotions and as we all know, emotions aren’t a man’s forte. So he cools down, and stops the conversation before she can ask him anything in her panicky state. So what can you do? RELAX. BREATHE. Men aren’t aliens (as much as I want to disagree), they’re humans too. Play it cool, think of him as someone else. Playing it cool doesn’t mean being cold or overly nice, it means keeping your tone calm. Level headed. That’s the word- men love level-headed women. So whether you’re on the phone, or just texting, just go with the flow, and don’t even think about talking about the subject  you originally wanted to talk to him about- the less you impose, the more likely the chance to bring it up will happen.

2. Don’t be passive aggressive.

Not to put my friend on the spot, but there are several times when I see her being overly passive aggressive- meaning answering a comment with a question about why he doesn’t say something sweeter. You can’t really force the issue,  let alone force him to say something sweeter just to feel better. If he wanted to, he would have said it. The point is to GET him to that point where he wants to say it, and it’s definitely not by not-so-subtly hinting that he should do it on the spot. So don’t be passive aggressive. Instead, try to keep the conversation going- if he ends with a one worded answer like “awesome” or “cool”, change the subject. “So, what are you doing later?” If he answers without a ‘why?’ then you can probably leave the conversation for awhile. If he asks ‘why?’ then all you need to do is simply say “Nothing, just thinking if you had time you wanna grab dinner or something”. Doesn’t make you look desperate because you said ‘if you had time’ and you’re also giving him an answer without clouding your intent. Cool. Straightforward. Easy!

3. Be yourself.

It’s really hard to be yourself when you’re facing the guy you like. I know. So how? The first thing you need to do is realize your life doesn’t revolve around him. You have better things to do- dance, yoga, work, volunteer, whatever- and that YOUR life comes first. All he is is a person who you want to have in your life to enrich it. Not to be the reason of your existence. People come and go. And if this man is really the one you want, then you need to be able to let him go live his life while you live yours. His life shouldn’t revolve around you either. Relationships should be loving, enriching, but also something that makes you grow into a better person. He should be a man who makes you want to work harder for yourself, achieve a goal you never thought you could, be your motivation to strive for the best, all the while enjoying each others company and of course, enjoying love.

4. Be kind but be strict. Be flirty but put a line on it.

Show self control. If he doesn’t play by the rules, make sure you have your own rules to stick to when things get too much. A woman who makes decisions and sticks to them shows that she is mature and that she knows herself. A man would not have to worry about her because he knows insecurity is not on her list. That takes a burden off of him, which makes you more desirable. Be kind at heart, but  not manipulative. Don’t try to sway him to talk about what you want to talk about. Let conversations take their course. Be generous with this. You let him say his opinions while you say yours. If he can’t take it, or shows that he disrespects them, then you know you need to walk away. Relationships should be equal. Conversations should be friendly and light, and non-judgmental. Your man, whether boyfriend or husband, should always be your best friend, your confidant.

5. Don’t question his every move.

Guys are stupid. Guys are sneaky. Sometimes, he really just means what he says. Sometimes he says things to get some action. But if you’re constantly questioning his every move, how will you ever get to trust him when you guys are in a relationship? If you cannot accept his words for as they are, then that’s probably a sign to watch. What if he really did want to get some action? Well, he can’t unless you guys meet in person. See what he says. Does he ask you to meet at night only? Is he being overly physical? Is he putting pressure on you? Does he listen to you. That is key-because if for the night he completely avoided your questions, he most likely is wanting you in his pants. But if so, then you have your answer- he ain’t the guy you want, is he? Slap him. Walk away.

6. Be strong.

Slap him. Walk away. Show him you’re independent and you’re strong- and you’re not someone he can mess around with (anymore). You have your values, so STICK TO THEM. A guy should not change what you believe in, no matter how much you want him. If he crosses any of your boundaries, WALK AWAY. Show him you’re upset. Disappointed. Show him that he fucked up real good this time and this is the last straw. Tell him everything, everything on your mind- from how much you want him to how much of a douchebag he is, because it will be the last time you talk to him anyways. Be strong mentally because this is life. You have to face it head on and put yourself first before any of your impulses. Even if your heart wants him, there will always be someone else better. If he cannot even face you to talk about you two, how can you ever expect anything great out of the relationship? Look forward to the future. Stick to your decisions.

 

Wise words from a burger lady

I suddenly remembered what a nice young lady told me last year as I asked her for a burger for my caddie at the amateur round. She gave me a sly smile and said “who is this for?”. I blushed and told her it was for my caddie, my friend. She winked, “Just a friend? You’re awfully happy talking about him”. At that point I felt embarrassed because nobody else could tell I was in love with him. But here was a stranger who could tell just by the sound of my voice as I asked her for a burger. Before I could say anything she told me something that I still remember even today.

“Do you like him?”

“It’s complicated .. He’s been my friend for a very long time. ”

“That’s the best then. Because that means you already know all of his quirks and imperfections ..yet you still like him. That is the best kind of relationship. ”

 

The #1 Thing Not To Do As A Girl:

I’ve touched on the subject of hypocrisy a couple times on my blog already. Me being one- I wouldn’t take my own advice for certain situations even though I know I should have. But recently I’ve been seeing (and experiencing) some of it from my parents, and it’s just not sitting well with me.

Remember how I was ranting earlier about how my mother expects my boyfriend to treat me like a crippled blind old woman who needs help to pay rent? Just the other day we were talking about one of my good friends who recently broke up. I told my mother the girl wasn’t a good fit for him anyways, and I was very glad he got out of it. She asked, “What was she like?” and I answered, “You know, the typical princessy type girls. She expected him to pay for everything, drive her everywhere, and wanted him to spoil her.” My mom immediately gave her look of disapproval. “Pft!” she said. “How can she do that? I mean, Patrick is still a student she can’t expect him to do so.”

Oho! What does that mean? Does she secretly agree with the girl? So what if Patrick wasn’t a student anymore? Would she have agreed? I will never know. But from the sounds of it, my mother was definitely implicating my relationship. Yes my boyfriend is working full time and no, he does not pay for me all the time. Yes my mother expects him to. No, I still cannot stop my skin from crawling from that disgusting thought.

You know, girls get the good stuff in the relationship. They get to be pampered, and treated like, well, princesses, if they’re lucky. It has occurred to me that we never treat our guys like princes. We don’t make their meals (assuming we’re not MARRIED, so hell, they can buy it or have their moms make it right?), we don’t treat them to nice dinners (that’s THEIR job), and we get to call the shots because if we don’t get our way, all we need to do is throw a tantrum or cry, and we got them wrapped around our little finger– I mean, uh..

So what the hell? It’s no wonder so many girls get dumped (and boys, for the matter that they’re just simply not as chivalrous as Ser Jorah /cue eyeroll) it’s because the definition of a girl IS a bitch. A girl is not a woman. A bitch is not a real woman (yet). And my point here today is to plead all you wonderful girls (and some stray women) out there: please just don’t be demanding. don’t, for the love of god, think that you deserve to be treated to every expensive dinner in the world by your knight in shining armour. if you’ve ever wondered why none of your relationships end in a happy ending, it’s probably because you expect too much without giving in return. I mean, if you were to date yourself- and you have a habit of having these expectations- wouldn’t you say you’d be tired too? It is absolutely necessary to have standards yes- but they cannot be standards that are only leaning towards your favour. If you are unable, or unwilling to return your standards to your man, then you know you have made them too high. In this unfair world, it’s an eye for an eye. The boys and men of our generation are becoming wary of girls and women like this. So if you have a heart, think about your man: because if he’s really someone you love, you would do anything to make their life more enjoyable and easier with you while facing the world and its problems together.

The Pretentious Advisor

I admit it- I’m definitely not as confident as I should be. You know how people say ‘You should take your own advice’? I really should. I keep telling people, friends and/or strangers, my thoughts on life and dreadful relationship problems. Some like them, some don’t. But for everything that I believe in, sometimes I really don’t take them myself.

Sex, for example.

Everybody has been taught that sex shouldn’t happen until you’re married or whatever. But everyone knows (or at least, a lot of people know) that many kids start to have sex at at VERY young age. Why don’t we ever listen? Because we will never believe another’s words until we have personally suffered from that same experience. We are idiots like that. But that is also the best way we will learn, and once we have learned that lesson the hard way, we suddenly start preaching it exactly like how our parents preached to us about it.

There are some things I am very confident about. Most of these things however, are hard to teach on paper. They are physical skills which makes it even harder. And I am never one to be pretentious when it comes to things I truly do not know. Computer science, for example, I have no clue. Human anatomy on the other hand? I know it pretty decently (I sure hope so. My bachelor’s counting on it).

But I am both confident and a hypocrite when it comes to subjective things and ideas such as relationships. Which is ironic, because I give advice that sometimes I don’t even follow.

Ah well. Everyone’s like that, right?

How To Maintain a Lasting (like..lasting) Relationship

Yeah, I’m looking at you youngins- no, a month long relationship isn’t a lasting relationship. Neither is a two month, or three, or five. I’m talking about years and years (oh ew, with the same person??)

Well, I won’t put you guys in the line of fire- I was just teasing. In fact, I was like that once. 16, was my first relationship and oh, how wonderful it felt to be in love. I didn’t know what being hurt meant, I didn’t know how much it would hurt. I still remember telling myself: if we ever do breakup it won’t be a problem. I was definitely strong enough to handle it! (Pft, as if. I wasn’t over it for the next 2 years.)

As I kept getting older, I kept going through relationships, all which I took very seriously. With each one that has passed, I’ve learned something new about what it takes to make a relationship last. Now don’t take this as the word of God, just some pointers, food for thought.

#1: Be Honest.

Yeah, really. I know how hard it is sometimes; EVERYBODY lies a little in a relationship (you remember the cookie you stole from her and you told her you don’t know who took it?) but NOBODY should lie about something big. Something major, like your feelings. An ex. Your family. Your interests. A relationship is building a house- putting together the foundation made of real bricks and cement is a lot more work than making it out of foam and soap and of course, definitely a lot stronger. If you lie to them about how happy you are when you really aren’t, then hell will ensue. Because they will keep doing what makes you sad thinking they’re actually making you happy. Why would you want to do that to yourself? When you’re honest with one another, 2 things happen: you will fight, and you will know whether the relationship is worth it by the end of it.

#2: Be Independent.

You know what I mean. Be your own person. If your happiness is dependent on them, something isn’t quite right…and you probably would want to re-evaluate this. Don’t get me wrong again…I get those feelings of want and need too. I would love to see my boyfriend everyday. I miss him everyday. But I don’t go on a rampage if I don’t. I don’t demand him to see me- instead, I fill my days up with something productive, like working out. Paying my bills. Finding a stupid sublet for my next school term and in the process, be gipped out of my money…erm, and etc. Being your own person will make being with them that much better because you can stand on your own two feet. And nothing is sexier than a person who can thrive in and out of a relationship.

#3: Be Affectionate, but not Overbearing.

They look at their phone again and roll their eyes as you send them another “I love you baby” text. The words are starting to look like everyday prepositions. They probably don’t even take it seriously anymore. Giving too much love and affection can produce the opposite effect, and yes, as you grow older, this IS true. When your focus isn’t on undressing your girlfriend with your eyes anymore and instead, on your graduating year at university, or your full time job/career, these overbearing affections will make you go crazy. You just got no time for it, not because you don’t share the feeling; it just feels childish and infatuous (yes I just made this word up, sue me). And when you’re working full time, you don’t want to feel like a child. Neither do they.

#4: Be Sensitive.

You gotta care about them. Otherwise, why the hell are you in a relationship with them? Do you know their problems? Their personal, health, problems? Do you know how to make them feel better when they’re down in the dumps? Do you know how to make her laugh when she’s crying? Do you know how to make him feel like the luckiest guy in the world? Being sensitive shows you care about them genuinely. You listen to them and you act appropriately. You take their problems to heart, and you make sacrifices for them. The grad ball you were going to take her to falls instantly from your agenda when she falls ill, and instead of going solo, you spend that night with her at the hospital. You don’t have to think about being sensitive- you shouldn’t. It should just happen naturally, because you love them, don’t you?

#5: Keep Calm and Argue On.

All your pent-up anger bubbles in your chest and– you let it all out with a sigh. Arguing with loud, vulgar taunts at each other only proves one thing: you’re both still unable to handle things maturely. So you guys can yell and scream- what good does that do? Would your point be heard better compared to if you were to speak at a normal tone? It’s normal to get heated in an argument, but if it becomes a caveman yelling war, you guys are straying off track. Being able to keep a level head is absolutely the best way to counter. Why? Because it makes the other person look silly (assuming they’re yelling). By having such a drastic change in volume, the other person will automatically drop their voice. Win-win for both your ears.

#6: Is There a Future?

The most important point of all. When you picture yourself- being an entrepreneur, or a businessman, or an architect- do you see yourself being with someone? Do you feel like you can accept that whole new path? Are you READY? Is she the one you want in your life, the one you want to come home to, the one you want to tell all your family and friends to, the one you want to marry? Can you stand their shenanigans, their quirky personality, their ridiculous sense of humour, their cooking? How they’re scared of spiders, or how they’re unable to eat gluten? Think about it. Because this may be what you will have to live with for the rest of your life.