Now that my wisdom teeth are out, I get to spend my days in my room in bed doing nothing but wallow in pain. This also gave me the time to suddenly feel the need to look back on old skype messages with my ex. And the feelings I have now are beyond weird.
I felt his pain, last year. I felt the pain of wanting that person he doesn’t have. I’ve been feeling that pain for so damn long. And i know what he felt was real. At the time. I think it’s absolutely amazing what time does to a person. From never ending conversations to slowly fading to slowly finding flaws in that person you agonized over, to just dropping it altogether. It’s amazing how he was able to break me twice, even after I had told him, a long time ago, all my feelings for him and how he hurt me and I relived that pain. He had told me how sorry he was and how his heart dropped when he heard me and read what i typed out. He told me that he never wanted to hurt me and that he should have made me one of his priorities. He kept repeating that: i should have made you one of my priorities, but I didn’t. And he never did. He promised to treat me right. He really wanted us to work, even through the bad times so he claimed. I could feel it in his message. He was so desperate, to get me back, to love me, to tell me he loves me. He wanted to see me all the time, wanted to hang out with me, wanted to be there for me. Still wanted us to be independent but at the time, I was all he could think about. Why? and how did that change?
Feelings change. Feelings will always change. The question is why? And how?