everything i should have said

so many times there have been things i wanted to say to people. all kinds of people, from the rude customers i get at work, to exes, to friends, to interviewers, to family members, to my boyfriend. but i never manage to get the right words out at the right time. my head speaks faster than my lips. i catch myself having trouble talking sometimes. it’s definitely some sort of problem but it doesn’t hinder me too much, at least i don’t think. it’s not really dyslexia-it’s more of a stutter problem. ew.

but here’s to everything i should have said to these people.

to the rude customers i get at work, calm your shit. you came here to this facility for a reason, so stop negotiating prices and pay what you owe. otherwise don’t give me your keys.

to my ex, when we broke up that night, all i got out of my mouth were tears. i am pretty sure i cried instead of talked. but what i should have said was thanks, for being the asshole to rip me apart twice in my lifetime, to give me hope and burn it, and for never being a boyfriend. thanks for breaking it off with me and giving me a reality check because i would have forever walked in your shadows, constantly trying to catch up to you, to be someone who i’m not, to be someone i thought you would love. thank you for having been in my life, and now forever out. stay out.

to my friends, you guys are one of my pillars. i would never have pushed myself to become better, laughed to relieve the pain in my heart, and cared for people who are not even my family. thank you for being there for me, for being my friends, for listening to me and asking me for advice. i am proud to call you my friends.

to interviewers, i’m extremely bubbly but don’t see it as airheadedness. i am dying to find something that challenges me, that makes me want to learn, to study out of my own accord, and to contribute to my field. i want to be useful. i want to do amazing work, to be an amazing employee, and to grow with the company. i promise that the work i will be given will be done to the best of my abilities because the energy that i put into playtime wants to be put into my career.

to my family members, thank you. thank you mom and dad, for being the ones who love me through thick and thin, from pissing me off to sacrificing yourselves for me. i know i am not your perfect child but i wouldn’t ask for better loving parents. even though we butt heads and you guys really anger me, im sure i anger you too. but even though i do, you guys never stopped loving me, taking care of me, and being parents. so thank you, and i love you.

finally, to my boyfriend. thank you. i never say this enough. heck, i never say i love you as often as i want to, as i should. these words scare me. ive said them so much in the past but its always ended up unreciprocated. my mind tells me i shouldn’t say it, but my heart screams it. so that’s why sometimes you’ll hear me squeak it out- and it would have been the biggest fight between my head and heart to say it. no, i’m not having second thoughts- it’s not that. the words are heavy. which is why i want to prove it to you, more than me saying it, even though i should say it more. you make me laugh, wholeheartedly, happily. whenever i’m with you, i’m so happy. you make me happy, you are literally, my happiness. you have never disappointed me (maybe once but that’s long forgotten) and you’re always, always there for me without fail. you have been my closest friend for a long time- there is no world without you. you are amazing, talented, hardworking and a beautiful soul. i will always have your back, and i am forever grateful that you chose me to be by your side. you are my life and the love i’ve always been waiting for. and i can’t wait to rule the world together with you. i love you from the bottom of my existence. thank you for everything you do.

From Two to One to None.

I know these two guys- brothers- and they were my real close, good friends. Were, as you noted. No, we’re not close anymore, let alone good. We used to play together, eat together, hang out together. I used to love watching them bicker in the brotherly fashion they used, all those sassy, sarcastic and drop dead hilarious comments they threw at one another. I knew nothing, absolutely nothing, would come in between or break this bond. And the worst part was I had developed feelings for both of them. And so did they. But I loved the little brother in the sense that I felt like he was my own little brother. I loved the older brother romantically. He was my world, everything and anything I’ve wanted. He could have asked me to do groceries for him and I would have done it in a heartbeat. I was head over Hell for him. It was horrible, immature, and very, very raw. These feelings for him were unfiltered, unaltered, unmasked. People say you feel butterflies in your stomach- I felt pterodactyls. I wouldn’t even know what to say or how to act around him. When his little brother told me he had feelings for me, I faltered. I did, too, but no where near to the feelings I had for his older brother. And so, I let him go. Our friendship died overtime. He grew distant and cold. I didn’t really know who he was anymore, and that chapter in our lives ended too soon.

The older brother had pulled me within his orbit long before I realized it. There was a year where all I could think about was him- he was my first and last thought in my mind every day. Needless to say, that year in school fucking sucked. I had put in only an eighth of my studying efforts into that year. And yes, it was brutal. When I look back at it now, I want to slap myself in the face for being so stupid and blind. I knew exactly what he was going to do to me, and I knew exactly what I should have done but I did not. I let him ruin me, I let him tear me apart top to bottom. He was my most recent ex, the only man I’ve loved so hard, so long, and so purely; and I will never love anyone that purely again. None of it was worth it. I am sick of being played, wronged, and left for selfish reasons. I went from two friends to one, to none.

I had a dream last night. The three of us were lying on a bed, watching a movie. I had laid myself over the two of them- my legs over my ex, and my head propped on my hand and elbow on his brother’s lap. We were friends again. I felt so serene. I felt happy, something that hasn’t happened to me for a time now. But I woke up this morning and I returned to reality. They’re not a part of my life anymore. I don’t want them to be. I don’t want to be reminded of how I failed in keeping the two people I cherished the most. We’re not friends anymore. We are all just memories of each other.

Let’s Fly

I’ve dreamed of the day when we would board that plane to Italy- just the two of us. I dreamed that we would be so excited we wouldn’t be able to sleep the previous night and we would stay up all night talking about our itinerary and anything we may have forgotten to pack. I dreamed that we would fly across the world and experience something new and breathtaking together. Capri, I had told you, was my must-see. And you said you would be my traveling buddy. It sounded great at the time, until now. You never made us more intimate. I was always left out in your world, just a side thing, just a buddy. My plane swerved and started to nosedive. You had faded so fast from me I didn’t even notice.

Up, up, here we go, where we stop… everybody knows.

Dear New Girl,

I hope you’re madly in love with him, as he is madly in love with you. I hope that you are able to love his silly, goofy side when he makes those faces, and those ridiculous, silly jokes that make no sense and always end up being about how strong he is. I hope that you love his serious attitude about life, about work, about career and above all I hope you’re being the pillar that I wasn’t able to be for him. That one, solid pillar that he needs most now than ever, to support and motivate him in ways that would help him achieve his dreams. I hope that you’re being tough on him too, driving him to strive for those goals without ever making him feel like it’s unattainable. There will be a lot of times where he will be quiet and withdrawn- don’t worry, that’s because he’s either working, at the gym, eating, showering, or having his personal time with his family. I know, sounds almost impossible for you guys to talk. But don’t worry, there will be time made for you because he’s in love with you and knows you’re an integral part of his life, someone who he’d want to share his life with. He will be making sacrifices for you and I hope you appreciate them because he doesn’t do them for just anyone. I don’t know how he’ll be like when he’s with you but all I hope for is for you to treat him with respect and trust, as he is with you. I also hope, above all else, that you’re able to talk to him about things, important things, that matter to both you and him. That when he starts to muse about things you will listen and give input whether he asks for them or not. That you’ll be your own person and never, ever feel like you’re inferior. Your own opinions and values and goals are what shines out the most so I hope that you’ll be strong enough to talk to him about them.

And you don’t have to worry about me. Sure, we may still be friends when you are dating him but you’ll never have to worry about me. He cannot love me the way he loves you. I may love him, forever, but I am strong enough to know that that needs to stay where it belongs- in the past. You are his present and his future. His family will accept you whole-heartedly and will never be embarrassed to call you his girlfriend. His father would be just as silly and goofy as he is, but he is also extremely hard working and extremely intelligent and I am sure you’ll be able to see where he gets all of his traits and charm from. You will see why he is meticulous because you will see how his mother raised him. And his brother? You’ll know exactly how close they are by watching them and you’ll understand why he puts family first above all. He will never cheat on you, and he will never do anything to deserve your skepticism. He will protect you and love you and you will know. He will be independent but also be dependent on you when situations call for it. And I hope you can be there for him no matter what, when or where. You are his best friend and he trusts you to do the same.

You will feel like the luckiest girl in the world. From his personality to his looks, I guarantee you you will never be disappointed. I wonder how strong he is now. I know he’s hurt his shoulder a while back but I’m positive he’s back on track and lifting things beyond what he never thought was possible for himself. I hope you’ve got strong hands because he loves a good back rub. And if you ever get into a fight, just run your fingers through his hair slowly but firmly, and he’ll always be putty in your hands. When you go out for movies, take his arm and slowly, lightly, run your index finger nail down his biceps and forearm- he will squeeze your hand and let you know that that feels amazing. When you kiss him, don’t be forceful- the gentlest of kiss will show you everything he feels about you. And don’t worry about his hands- it’s a condition that I hope you’re able to see past and accept, even learn to never be bothered by.

We couldn’t work out because I couldn’t give him the one thing he needs the most in a relationship, which is motivation. To make his mind churn, make him focus on his goals. Help him to never lose sight of his dream, and to always support him whenever you see fit. But I hope that, by the time you are with him, he would have already achieved his goal so that all he needs is love. Honest, pure, unconditional love. Because if I could be a driving force for him, I would never have written this letter to you.

Secrets to Tell

Have you ever had something you wanted to tell someone but also know you should keep as a secret instead? It could be personal, it could be someone else’s secret (but not so-secret, let’s be real). And all you hope for is for someone to know your secret without actually asking you outright about it. Sometimes it happens, and sometimes it makes you feel great. Sometimes, it backfires.

So the person actually knew what was wrong with you- or at least, could tell what was wrong. And you though crap, my secret is blown- but is it? Is it actually a secret though, or should this actually be something people should know? Last night, out of the blue, my boyfriend asked if I needed to talk to him about something. And magically enough, that same day I had posted my 3am rant (see last post). He knows I have this ridiculous blog but he also said he wouldn’t actively seek it out again. Which made me wonder if he was telling the truth, not that I care if he reads or not. My rant basically explained how I felt a little left out when he was with his friends and how I just sometimes don’t know how and why I’m okay with being secondary with the things in his life. Ironically too he said he hoped I didn’t feel secondary but the fact is that I am- which he also seemed to have confirmed and yes, it’s still okay with me. It’s just when I think about it sometimes, especially at this time of year, I basically see him as much as I would during the school year when I would be back in the land of nowhere. And I also talk to him as much as I would during the school year, or as much as I would as an ordinary, unappealing friend.

I know he’s not a big talker through text. But my biggest secret I don’t want to tell him is I feel like the only time he would pay attention to me is before and during sex. And by attention I mean actually doing things a boyfriend would normally do. Once sex is over, attention drops to the unappealing friend zone.

Yeah I’m probably overthinking it and yeah I’m probably being a huge drama queen about it but whatever. If i didn’t even care about this relationship I wouldn’t even care about this. This can’t be something I can say to him, because a part of me also knows it’s not true- but my feelings are real. It’s all about feelings vs reality. And even though one may not be real, it sure feels real to me.

A 3am rant

Well, I had a good day. Got to see my boyfriend and surprised by a trip downtown with his relatives and family. It was pretty cold but nonetheless pretty nice. I had a good time. He invited some of his friends over later for some games and chilling.

And well, it was like I was in the background amongst these guys which I understand I suppose; it was like a guys night basically. But I felt quite out of place especially when my boyfriend didn’t really pay any attention to me whatsoever after we went out to get some pizza since I barely ate anything for the entire day. In fact it was his little brother who talked to me more throughout the night. Meh.

And then when we were eating the pizza, there were only a few of us talking. He was telling his friends how his life consisted of work gym eat sleep and repeat. He even said which left him no time for his girlfriend. So without thinking I automatically said “I don’t know why I’m still with you”.

Honestly I don’t think I meant it but it came out sarcastically so hopefully they understood. I don’t think I meant it. Because of course, everything I have been doing was for the sake of this relationship with him. I stopped seeking attention and I stopped comparing past experiences. But even still, I feel like I’m missing out on a greater aspect of love. I know he means well and cares about me but only to the extent when it’s convenient and immediate to him. He doesn’t really think twice about me but it isn’t out of lack of interest but rather the lack of the feeling of wanting to. It’s kind of hard you know, when you’re treated just like a friend.

A Tiffany & Co. present can’t be from anyone else.

As we all know, Tiffany & Co is the universal symbol of love and nothing is a greater sign of love and happiness from your significant other. You can’t beat it- it’s sparkly, it’s gorgeous, and it’s pant-ripping expensive. It is the ultimate present that your boyfriend gets you so don’t be fooled by any others trying to buy one for you- those don’t mean anything. Friends can’t buy friends Tiffany & Co- it’s just isn’t right. All those heart pendants, those key necklaces, those gorgeous rings- too awkward to buy for a friend. Even the ‘Mom’ pendant — what is THAT doing there?? What on earth is Tiffany & Co thinking, making a ‘Mom’ pendant? Yuck. They have to get rid of that. How do those even make revenue?

Of course, when it is your birthday, your boyfriend must be the one to buy you something from Tiffany & Co. It is the only acceptable present allowed. If he doesn’t pay for the entire present, he doesn’t love you, sorry hon. He simply couldn’t spend a minimum of $165 on you- that’s a shame. I mean if I was a newly full timer, I would totally spend all my money on objective presents and spending everything I’ve saved up on a potential partner. Not to mention my parents would totally agree that I am spending my money wisely. But hey who cares? At least now you’ve reeled this girl in good because you bought her a ring from Tiffany & Co that isn’t one of their engagement rings. And now her parents will expect you to keep buying Tiffany & Co presents, something of equivalent value or more, every birthday, every milestone for the rest of your life. God how I wish I could be living this life right now.

If your friends try to get you a Tiffany & Co ring, be careful- it isn’t coming from your boyfriend. It won’t have the same value- it’s not from your love. Your friends should buy you something else – a tshirt, or some more body lotion which you’ve already stockpiled because that’s what friends are good for. Your friends shouldn’t be getting you a Tiffany & Co present because it’s just way too weird. They’re not in love with you, why are they buying you something from Tiffany & Co?

Sorry all you single ladies. A Tiffany & Co present can’t be from anyone else but your boyfriend. If you want something from them, you better get one first.

Maybe he’s in it just for the sex.

So I haven’t blogged in a long awhile. This is quite spontaneous of me.

I guess I just wanted to put some of my thoughts out here, coherently (I’ll try). Thoughts about my future, thoughts about everything that’s going on around me.

My life’s pretty mundane. Got school, assignments, projects, presentations, food to cook, people to talk to, drama to resolve, boyfriend to see. Guess I rarely do the latter though- and it’s not easier since he’s leaving for good ol Florida in less than a week’s time. He’ll only be there for a week but, damn it, I’m totally free that weekend. What am I supposed to do at home now?

And then there’s my dreary future after university. In the best case scenario, I’ll get my degree and find a nice job to get me started with making money, doing things I always wanted to do without school invading my time, like going to the gym (shh, excuses). I’ll like the job, have a steady income, be happy with my career life. In the worst case scenario, I’ll not get my degree. LOL, alright well, I’m pretty sure I will. So the next worst case scenario is me getting my degree, not finding any job, and having my boyfriend move to the states for his new job. Wut.

I have friends who always joke about getting married and having babies and whatnotcrap us girls always talk about. But honestly I hate it whenever I hear those jokes. I don’t think it’s a joke. It’s serious, and it’s especially serious when I don’t even know if I’ll make it that far in this relationship. I don’t feel like I will- and don’t blame me because my boyfriend even explicitly said we are no where close to being there yet. I guess…it hurts? It’s the truth yes, but it hurts still, how am I supposed to control that? Who wants to hear that their relationship has a mysterious end where it’s 50/50 chance of it not working out. Who wouldn’t try to make it work out? Who wouldn’t want to encourage their other half (sorry, is that too cheesy a term?) that they will get through it together? Those aren’t lies, they won’t be lies if you try. And it sucks, you know, knowing that they’re so literally down to earth they don’t even see the emotional side of these talks. Why am I so obsessed with finding a job? Because if I don’t, I’m basically done with my relationship. There is no way in hell my boyfriend would accept that- I mean yeah, who would want to date someone who can’t get a job? I already know I will struggle. And it sucks, just waiting for it to loom towards me and I can’t do anything about it.

Man but seriously, if you were (or are) the boyfriend of a girl, whom you’ve date for over a year now, would you say that? Would you tell her we’re not there yet and that when the time comes we’ll see if it’ll work out? If not then…you’ll cross that bridge later? Like what? Is there no sense of will to fight for it, instead of letting it just be? In that case, why not date another girl? Date another girl who doesn’t care if the relationship won’t work out, is just as down to earth as you. There’s no positivity. There’s no honest effort in trying to make it work- just whatever is, is. Call me lame, call me idealistic, call me out of my mind. But I know there are so many men out there who take much larger steps, willing to put it out on the line visibly, and willing to let everyone know that he loves this girl and that he will do anything for her. He still hides me from his family in the sense that he doesn’t put pictures up. and then tells me to hide the fact he bought me flowers from them- but to still put a picture up. It’s like he’s ashamed to show how much he loves me to his family. If he even does. Maybe he’s just in this relationship for the sex he gets out of it.

And it hurts, okay? I know what it feels like to be hurt. I have been hurt, and I have done the hurting. Doesn’t matter how much tolerance I’ve built up. I still feel something.

No, really, I don’t mind.

Says no one ever.

God, I swear, I will find all of those selfless people in this world and hug them and be their friend and forever be their slaves. Oh that’s right, no one is like that. Ever. Wait how did I drift off into this..oh right. I’m ranting again. So of course, the boy gets sick literally two days before he comes up to visit me in the land of greyness (I live in Ontario, guess) so I spent this last weekend studying and getting my shit done for school. It was cool. But I’m like retardedly busy for the next…2 weeks and he just really doesn’t want to come up. Oh that’s right…his gym comes before me. Yeah, I get it, he paid for the lessons. But DON’T say you want to come up for a night, then kinda squeal on it. It’s like giving a lollipop to a child then just before he eats it happily you snatch it back and lick it. Kid cries, obviously.

What’s that about the gym? Yeah, he’s big into it and I understand that’s his thing. And yeah, he had a lesson that he paid for that he missed for the first few times? (don’t look at me, none of that was MY doing). And coming up might be “a bit too much” for him…after he literally said “i don’t really mind coming up for a night though” and a “maybe i’ll come up friday evening”. Please. Just don’t. If you really don’t wanna, don’t. Stop doing that. It really SUCKS to hear it. Say what you mean, and mean what you say, please. SERIOUSLY. I gave you an option and it would have been fine if you said you couldn’t right off the bat instead of trying to coat it then give me hope then make it crash down on me. I’m honestly sick of it.

You know, spending a little time with me wouldn’t kill you, would it? Yeah, I totally forgave you for being sick that wasn’t on you. But hey, you’ll be fine by the end of the week. You know what, me missing you a lot just seems wayyy too creepy as your girlfriend. So creepy man. God, why does she miss me so much?! The horrors. None of your other roommates miss theirs– OH RIGHT. one lives with him in the same room, the other sees him every other week while HER boyfriend comes to see her for the other weeks. Yeah, THAT’S effort. HM. WONDER WHY THEY DON’T MISS THEM AS MUCH AS ME. You know, I shouldn’t even be missing you at all. I’ve got my friends (and their boyfriends of course) and I’ve got school. Yeah. I’ve got my varsity team and I’ve got myself. So what’s the difference between being my boyfriend and being my friend.

And I’ve already told you, if i was ALLOWED to go home, I would’ve, in a blink of an eye. But I can’t, okay, so why is it such a struggle for you? I guess I’m really just there for convenience. I should get this whole bad bitch vibe going instead of always being so placid and understanding. I understand too much. I give no room for myself to feel equal in this. I’m always giving and never getting. I don’t get it. If it were me, I would do whatever it took to see him in a heartbeat. I mean, that’s what people do….when they like each other right?