“If it’s something you’re meant to forget, you will. Without even thinking you want to forget it. Because, the more times you think you want to forget, the stronger those memories become, right? So doesn’t that mean that, deep in your subconscious, you think you really shouldn’t forget them?”
Your heart’s in a million pieces, glued together carelessly and terribly. You can’t control these feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, and you think you’re okay because you’re angry- being angry helps. Being angry lets you feel more powerful, more competent. Being angry lets you feel you’re in control of yourself once again.
And then you turn into putty once he messages you, or simply snapschats or post something up on social media.
You start to cry, you start to reminisce and you start to feel weak and powerless and stupid again. He was everything to you and you gave, literally, everything to him. You thought this was going to be serious, a serious commitment, a serious relationship where just because a person cannot be your career advisor while she’s in school doesn’t mean this can’t work out. You gave him more chances than he should have received, and even though you gave up everything for him, he never gave up anything for you. He gave up objects and objectifiable things yes, but he never gave up what you gave up- emotions, feelings, happiness for a chance at you two. She believed that there could have been more happiness, like he promised. He promised they were going to be good. He couldn’t keep that promise for the second month in.
When you can’t let go of the one who’s bad for you, you feel like you’re drowning. In your own pool of sadness, that ridiculous, stupid, unneeded sadness. You know he never emotionally satisfied you, you know he never gave his heart to you. It doesn’t matter what a person is like- when a person truly falls in love and loves a person, love WILL make them do whatever it takes to keep that person. You will try so hard to make it work, because you love that person. You will never give up on a person because of a career goal. You will try to make that person work with your goal. You will never try to turn it against that person, nor guilt trip her, nor tell her that you want to be friends but never make an effort to remain so. You will not leave her hanging every single time she attempts to reach out, as friends. She will drift, drift away slowly, but surely.
When you can’t let go of the one who’s bad for you, you have to let go of the person who’s clinging on to the one who’s bad for you. Shed that person away. Shed your emotions, shed your efforts, shed your friendship. Because that someone who’s bad for you shouldn’t be your friend. And that person who’s clinging on cannot be your friend. Strip her away. Delete her. Rip her away from your heart, body, soul.
You will never remember her, and the one who was bad for her, again.
but really, fuck you because i shouldn’t be.
i’ve only had 1 measly shot and a pint. i’m no where close to being tipsy let alone drunk (i’m not gonna go there again). yet my entire self just feels down and simply, sad. not sad because i’ve been dumped but sad because it’s hit me i’ve lost good friends. you and your brother. and your parents. you said we can still be friends. we’re not friends anymore. we don’t talk. you don’t talk to me. and why should i talk to you? why should i initiate? i’m done initiating. i’m done being the one who tries all the time, the one who actually thought things through and decided things were worth trying. i’m done being the one who gets played by you and i’m done feeling worthless because of you. you can take your amazing new career down to the states, away from me, far away from me, and never speak of it again. you can find that beautiful robotic humanoid projection of your mind (pretty sure she’s caucasian) and live happily ever after as business partners in and out of your career life. you can find happiness in being someone so important, someone with so much face that everyone will know who you are on the streets (please. just please) and someone who has everything in the world but the one person who loved you for who you fucking are, knows you inside out and who loved you above all else and would have done anything to make the relationship work because clearly, there was nothing wrong with our emotional connection. but like you said, we just couldn’t “connect at the intellectual stage”. haha. fuck you. that is all.
This post’s really just for me self reflecting out loud. You’re more than welcome to read it, and discover what is happening inside my head but I warn you, it’s going to be very messy, very disorganized, and very raw.
It’s almost valentine’s day and really yeah i don’t give a shit that i’m single. i remember last year you didn’t even say anything to me let alone do anything. i simply posted a heart onto your wall. there was no reply, no reciprocation. ok, i thought, because that’s just who he is and he doesn’t like to celebrate these little dates i guess. but he also made it private- that like cogwheel icon- which means he controls who’s able to see my post. which comes right back to a really big issue i had: he was still hiding me from public.
like the fuck dude. YOU were the one who told me to stop hiding you from MY friends. and guess what I DID. YOU were the one who wanted me to flaunt you and it wasn’t that i didn’t want to- oh trust me i could flaunt you if i really wanted to- but that i didn’t want you to order me and tell me what to do with my account. had i ever told you to flaunt me? no. you would flaunt me yourself if you felt like i was worthy of it. whatever. don’t give a fuck.
yeah remember those flowers you got me for our 1 year and told me to post them up? but to make it so that your mother can’t see that i posted it? yeah. yeah you’re a dick. and yeah i was stupid not to realize that that was totally wrong. but i listened to you anyways because i didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. whatever. don’t give a fuck.
honestly, i think you really took me for granted. you’d only reply to questions that you want to reply. you’d ignore the questions that you didn’t think was worth your time- because i wasn’t worth your time. you know that i was into you way more than you were ever into me and that i can be easily played by you- you were able to make me do whatever it took to make you happy, to make you love me, to make you stay. wow i sound so incredibly stupid and retarded right now.
all those guys that want to get into my pants? yeah, it’s a real thing. you want to give ryan a piece of your mind? why didn’t you, and why don’t you? saying these things now doesn’t help me or you, so maybe just maybe don’t even try. you were all about jealously yet you did nothing except told ME to stop. you said the issue wasn’t me but the guys. what the fuck was i supposed to do then? if it bothered you, maybe you should have done something. or maybe i just wasn’t worth the time and effort but if you kept saying you were jealous you’d have a reason to be overly crazy and angry – and you know that i’d do anything to stop you from feeling that way – and because you’d be angry you could ignore me without me actually realizing why. i would have thought you were ignoring me because you were angry. but it’s just an excuse for you not to talk to me and to do your own thing.
i think i’m still pretty pissed about that bullshit of ‘im stuck in front of the computer all day, i dont want to come home and stare at it or the phone all night too’. you’re always on your fucking phone. you really think i wouldn’t notice? you’d always be on your phone watching crossfit videos. my messages would always pop up. you just chose to ignore them. you were the one who cut of our communication. you know it. and you wanted to. you know it was impossible for me to talk to you when im school except via our phones. so unless you’re saying that talking to me has absolutely no value to you, you were the one who caused our communication to break down simply because you don’t want to stare at the screen talking to me but rather stare at the screen watching men lift weights.
i absolutely fucking hate how i had done nothing wrong in our relationship yet i was the one who got dumped. if anything it should have been me. i should have left your stupid god damn fucking sexy ass the moment i realized that you will never give me the love that i give you. you were the one who fucking ripped me away from someone who loved me more than you could ever have and i voluntarily left him for you because you were my unfinished business and i loved you to the core- i loved you when you threw me away and i still loved you when you told me to go explore other guys. i trusted you when you said you wanted me and i trusted you when you said “don’t you see how good we are together?” and i don’t fucking trust people left right center. i only trust people who i think deserve my trust. who i know wouldn’t betray me and my feelings. i trusted you for nothing, and you know what? i will never ever trust you again. not with anything. you want to hear that im doing well? fuck you. i wont tell you shit. because i’m not even important to you- if i was never important to you as your girlfriend why the fuck would i be important as your ex?
one month, eleven days, and counting. bring it on you piece of shit of a heartbreaker. you’ll never get me to care about you anymore even though i can never stop loving you. my love runs so deep for you it’s ruining me. i have suppressed my feelings for you once, all those emotions, the hurt, the lust, the happiness, the sadness that you gave me and even though i have it suppressed it doesn’t suppress the fact that you were my everything. i love who i am. but you didn’t. you only loved what i could give you, you loved what i was capable of, and you loved the comfort i provided. but you didn’t love me, and you never did. i was a fucking FOOL to have believed you loved me even for a second. because love does NOT let you throw away someone the moment other plans come up. love does NOT blind you to these life ambitions but rather amplify them and makes you think about your life with that person. so no, don’t even say you loved me. because you OBVIOUSLY didn’t and you’re just fooling yourself. you know nothing. all you ever know is ambition and having everyone around you cater to your needs and if you’re not catered then you could throw them away. i hope to god, like the one you believe in, that you’ll one day suffer the consequences of using people like that. i hope one day you’ll understand my pain, every last drop of it and i hope one day you’ll ask me how to make it go away because i hope that one day ill be able to shove EVERYTHING into your face and make you feel how much pain and suffering my heart went through because of you.