From Two to One to None.

I know these two guys- brothers- and they were my real close, good friends. Were, as you noted. No, we’re not close anymore, let alone good. We used to play together, eat together, hang out together. I used to love watching them bicker in the brotherly fashion they used, all those sassy, sarcastic and drop dead hilarious comments they threw at one another. I knew nothing, absolutely nothing, would come in between or break this bond. And the worst part was I had developed feelings for both of them. And so did they. But I loved the little brother in the sense that I felt like he was my own little brother. I loved the older brother romantically. He was my world, everything and anything I’ve wanted. He could have asked me to do groceries for him and I would have done it in a heartbeat. I was head over Hell for him. It was horrible, immature, and very, very raw. These feelings for him were unfiltered, unaltered, unmasked. People say you feel butterflies in your stomach- I felt pterodactyls. I wouldn’t even know what to say or how to act around him. When his little brother told me he had feelings for me, I faltered. I did, too, but no where near to the feelings I had for his older brother. And so, I let him go. Our friendship died overtime. He grew distant and cold. I didn’t really know who he was anymore, and that chapter in our lives ended too soon.

The older brother had pulled me within his orbit long before I realized it. There was a year where all I could think about was him- he was my first and last thought in my mind every day. Needless to say, that year in school fucking sucked. I had put in only an eighth of my studying efforts into that year. And yes, it was brutal. When I look back at it now, I want to slap myself in the face for being so stupid and blind. I knew exactly what he was going to do to me, and I knew exactly what I should have done but I did not. I let him ruin me, I let him tear me apart top to bottom. He was my most recent ex, the only man I’ve loved so hard, so long, and so purely; and I will never love anyone that purely again. None of it was worth it. I am sick of being played, wronged, and left for selfish reasons. I went from two friends to one, to none.

I had a dream last night. The three of us were lying on a bed, watching a movie. I had laid myself over the two of them- my legs over my ex, and my head propped on my hand and elbow on his brother’s lap. We were friends again. I felt so serene. I felt happy, something that hasn’t happened to me for a time now. But I woke up this morning and I returned to reality. They’re not a part of my life anymore. I don’t want them to be. I don’t want to be reminded of how I failed in keeping the two people I cherished the most. We’re not friends anymore. We are all just memories of each other.

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Let’s Fly

I’ve dreamed of the day when we would board that plane to Italy- just the two of us. I dreamed that we would be so excited we wouldn’t be able to sleep the previous night and we would stay up all night talking about our itinerary and anything we may have forgotten to pack. I dreamed that we would fly across the world and experience something new and breathtaking together. Capri, I had told you, was my must-see. And you said you would be my traveling buddy. It sounded great at the time, until now. You never made us more intimate. I was always left out in your world, just a side thing, just a buddy. My plane swerved and started to nosedive. You had faded so fast from me I didn’t even notice.

Up, up, here we go, where we stop… everybody knows.

When You Can’t Let Go of the One Who’s Bad for You

Your heart’s in a million pieces, glued together carelessly and terribly. You can’t control these feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, and you think you’re okay because you’re angry- being angry helps. Being angry lets you feel more powerful, more competent. Being angry lets you feel you’re in control of yourself once again.

And then you turn into putty once he messages you, or simply snapschats or post something up on social media.

You start to cry, you start to reminisce and you start to feel weak and powerless and stupid again. He was everything to you and you gave, literally, everything to him. You thought this was going to be serious, a serious commitment, a serious relationship where just because a person cannot be your career advisor while she’s in school doesn’t mean this can’t work out. You gave him more chances than he should have received, and even though you gave up everything for him, he never gave up anything for you. He gave up objects and objectifiable things yes, but he never gave up what you gave up- emotions, feelings, happiness for a chance at you two. She believed that there could have been more happiness, like he promised. He promised they were going to be good. He couldn’t keep that promise for the second month in.

When you can’t let go of the one who’s bad for you, you feel like you’re drowning. In your own pool of sadness, that ridiculous, stupid, unneeded sadness. You know he never emotionally satisfied you, you know he never gave his heart to you. It doesn’t matter what a person is like- when a person truly falls in love and loves a person, love WILL make them do whatever it takes to keep that person. You will try so hard to make it work, because you love that person. You will never give up on a person because of a career goal. You will try to make that person work with your goal. You will never try to turn it against that person, nor guilt trip her, nor tell her that you want to be friends but never make an effort to remain so. You will not leave her hanging every single time she attempts to reach out, as friends. She will drift, drift away slowly, but surely.

When you can’t let go of the one who’s bad for you, you have to let go of the person who’s clinging on to the one who’s bad for you. Shed that person away. Shed your emotions, shed your efforts, shed your friendship. Because that someone who’s bad for you shouldn’t be your friend. And that person who’s clinging on cannot be your friend. Strip her away. Delete her. Rip her away from your heart, body, soul.

You will never remember her, and the one who was bad for her, again.

You’ll never change who you are.

You were shy when you were young. You were outgoing when you were only 4. You were picky with your foods, you hated swimming when you nearly had a drowning experience. But now you’re outgoing, making friends, more polite, more reserved, swimming, and eating everything off your plate.

No, you didn’t change. You only managed yourself in different situations.

People don’t change at their core. The only thing that changes is how they present themselves in public. The front for other people. Their face for their partner.

People don’t change who they are just because they act differently from before. Everything is just management. Everything is just learned from experience. This is what you should do in this environment.

You’ll never change who you really are. The question is who are you?

A love that consumes you but kills you

The comfort stage. The stage where nothing exciting happens. Same shit different day. But at one point in life, there was excitement. There was fiery passion and there was love. The days that go by quickly because of work ends with the three words that can fill a heart with joy. The days where you cannot wait to feel the warmth of their skin against yours and the hugs that surrounded you with happiness… Now but empty memories just months past.

Now it’s a chore. There is no need or the feel of want to connect anymore. It is simply a part of your life now. Mundane. Boring. Nothing of interest. Even annoying, to feel needed. Quietness ensues. Then silence.

The Love that once consumed becomes the love that kills. There is no out.

Dear those who feel like they want to, or have given up:

I was studying until I suddenly realized, wow, I’m almost done school and it’s almost time to get a job. Literally, that was what happened just now.

Job. What the hell is my job going to be?? I got a boyfriend who’s 25, making some solid money with IBM and I’m almost 22, studying for physiology which I will never use after I’m done this course. Who knew 3.5 years makes such a difference?

But it isn’t school we need to worry about. It’s about what you’re going to do with yourself after. Are you studying what is needed for life? Are you giving up because it doesn’t matter? Every choice that we make, makes a huge impact on our future. Every choice- that includes the night you should have been studying but instead went out to get drunk- on a Thursday. Maybe that extra few hours was the deciding factor between pass or fail. And then you go on this spiral of self loathing ‘damn it self, why are you getting such bad grades?’ and depression. But you, young one, should know that academics will be the least of your problems.

It is what you’re doing right now that is going to bother you the most after school. Regrets are going to come back and haunt you- why didn’t I study harder? Why did I let myself borderline fail my third year? Even worse, why did I waste all my time in school giving up instead of trying to make up for it to make my future a little brighter? I will tell you, I have given up thousands of times over these past 5 years in school, both on school and co-op terms. I had told myself that I can never do well on my midterms no matter how much I studied, I can never contribute to my varsity team’s wins because I’m not good enough, that I am a disappointment to all of those around me, and that my boyfriend will one day realize that I am a complete mess of a person and that he deserves a more well-put, successful, beautiful girl.

But then, what have I ever done to try and change this? Nothing.

I gave up because it was easier than fighting back.

You are studying because you can. You are totally capable of being one of those nerds. And you are able to stand on your own and live a full, successful life. It starts with doing things for yourself. As much as you feel like you need people to help you along the way, you are the only one who can make the biggest change in yourself. You are a winner- you need to tap into that part of your psyche that says I am a boss.

So how did I tap into mine? Anger. Anger that I’ve let myself fall and instead of picking myself back up, laid there. Anger that people I know who are equally as intelligent as me have a very happy life without seeming to make much effort while I made myself have an unhappy life. Anger that I was so insecure and was always belittling myself. Anger that all it took to change my gears was a thought:

Am I really going to keep waiting for people to understand me? They don’t, and they don’t need to. I don’t give a shit about what people think of me anymore- that includes my friends, my boyfriend, anyone. As long as I know I am going down a morally right path, I will do whatever it takes for myself to succeed in life.

I’m back in the game, bitches.