everything i should have said

so many times there have been things i wanted to say to people. all kinds of people, from the rude customers i get at work, to exes, to friends, to interviewers, to family members, to my boyfriend. but i never manage to get the right words out at the right time. my head speaks faster than my lips. i catch myself having trouble talking sometimes. it’s definitely some sort of problem but it doesn’t hinder me too much, at least i don’t think. it’s not really dyslexia-it’s more of a stutter problem. ew.

but here’s to everything i should have said to these people.

to the rude customers i get at work, calm your shit. you came here to this facility for a reason, so stop negotiating prices and pay what you owe. otherwise don’t give me your keys.

to my ex, when we broke up that night, all i got out of my mouth were tears. i am pretty sure i cried instead of talked. but what i should have said was thanks, for being the asshole to rip me apart twice in my lifetime, to give me hope and burn it, and for never being a boyfriend. thanks for breaking it off with me and giving me a reality check because i would have forever walked in your shadows, constantly trying to catch up to you, to be someone who i’m not, to be someone i thought you would love. thank you for having been in my life, and now forever out. stay out.

to my friends, you guys are one of my pillars. i would never have pushed myself to become better, laughed to relieve the pain in my heart, and cared for people who are not even my family. thank you for being there for me, for being my friends, for listening to me and asking me for advice. i am proud to call you my friends.

to interviewers, i’m extremely bubbly but don’t see it as airheadedness. i am dying to find something that challenges me, that makes me want to learn, to study out of my own accord, and to contribute to my field. i want to be useful. i want to do amazing work, to be an amazing employee, and to grow with the company. i promise that the work i will be given will be done to the best of my abilities because the energy that i put into playtime wants to be put into my career.

to my family members, thank you. thank you mom and dad, for being the ones who love me through thick and thin, from pissing me off to sacrificing yourselves for me. i know i am not your perfect child but i wouldn’t ask for better loving parents. even though we butt heads and you guys really anger me, im sure i anger you too. but even though i do, you guys never stopped loving me, taking care of me, and being parents. so thank you, and i love you.

finally, to my boyfriend. thank you. i never say this enough. heck, i never say i love you as often as i want to, as i should. these words scare me. ive said them so much in the past but its always ended up unreciprocated. my mind tells me i shouldn’t say it, but my heart screams it. so that’s why sometimes you’ll hear me squeak it out- and it would have been the biggest fight between my head and heart to say it. no, i’m not having second thoughts- it’s not that. the words are heavy. which is why i want to prove it to you, more than me saying it, even though i should say it more. you make me laugh, wholeheartedly, happily. whenever i’m with you, i’m so happy. you make me happy, you are literally, my happiness. you have never disappointed me (maybe once but that’s long forgotten) and you’re always, always there for me without fail. you have been my closest friend for a long time- there is no world without you. you are amazing, talented, hardworking and a beautiful soul. i will always have your back, and i am forever grateful that you chose me to be by your side. you are my life and the love i’ve always been waiting for. and i can’t wait to rule the world together with you. i love you from the bottom of my existence. thank you for everything you do.

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it’s 2:41 in the morning and i’m still thinking about you.

but really, fuck you because i shouldn’t be.

i’ve only had 1 measly shot and a pint. i’m no where close to being tipsy let alone drunk (i’m not gonna go there again). yet my entire self just feels down and simply, sad. not sad because i’ve been dumped but sad because it’s hit me i’ve lost good friends. you and your brother. and your parents. you said we can still be friends. we’re not friends anymore. we don’t talk. you don’t talk to me. and why should i talk to you? why should i initiate? i’m done initiating. i’m done being the one who tries all the time, the one who actually thought things through and decided things were worth trying. i’m done being the one who gets played by you and i’m done feeling worthless because of you. you can take your amazing new career down to the states, away from me, far away from me, and never speak of it again. you can find that beautiful robotic humanoid projection of your mind (pretty sure she’s caucasian) and live happily ever after as business partners in and out of your career life. you can find happiness in being someone so important, someone with so much face that everyone will know who you are on the streets (please. just please) and someone who has everything in the world but the one person who loved you for who you fucking are, knows you inside out and who loved you above all else and would have done anything to make the relationship work because clearly, there was nothing wrong with our emotional connection. but like you said, we just couldn’t “connect at the intellectual stage”. haha. fuck you. that is all.

1 month, 11 days

This post’s really just for me self reflecting out loud. You’re more than welcome to read it, and discover what is happening inside my head but I warn you, it’s going to be very messy, very disorganized, and very raw.

It’s almost valentine’s day and really yeah i don’t give a shit that i’m single. i remember last year you didn’t even say anything to me let alone do anything. i simply posted a heart onto your wall. there was no reply, no reciprocation. ok, i thought, because that’s just who he is and he doesn’t like to celebrate these little dates i guess. but he also made it private- that like cogwheel icon- which means he controls who’s able to see my post. which comes right back to a really big issue i had: he was still hiding me from public.

like the fuck dude. YOU were the one who told me to stop hiding you from MY friends. and guess what I DID. YOU were the one who wanted me to flaunt you and it wasn’t that i didn’t want to- oh trust me i could flaunt you if i really wanted to- but that i didn’t want you to order me and tell me what to do with my account. had i ever told you to flaunt me? no. you would flaunt me yourself if you felt like i was worthy of it. whatever. don’t give a fuck.

yeah remember those flowers you got me for our 1 year and told me to post them up? but to make it so that your mother can’t see that i posted it? yeah. yeah you’re a dick. and yeah i was stupid not to realize that that was totally wrong. but i listened to you anyways because i didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. whatever. don’t give a fuck.

honestly, i think you really took me for granted. you’d only reply to questions that you want to reply. you’d ignore the questions that you didn’t think was worth your time- because i wasn’t worth your time. you know that i was into you way more than you were ever into me and that i can be easily played by you- you were able to make me do whatever it took to make you happy, to make you love me, to make you stay. wow i sound so incredibly stupid and retarded right now.

all those guys that want to get into my pants? yeah, it’s a real thing. you want to give ryan a piece of your mind? why didn’t you, and why don’t you? saying these things now doesn’t help me or you, so maybe just maybe don’t even try. you were all about jealously yet you did nothing except told ME to stop. you said the issue wasn’t me but the guys. what the fuck was i supposed to do then? if it bothered you, maybe you should have done something. or maybe i just wasn’t worth the time and effort but if you kept saying you were jealous you’d have a reason to be overly crazy and angry – and you know that i’d do anything to stop you from feeling that way – and because you’d be angry you could ignore me without me actually realizing why. i would have thought you were ignoring me because you were angry. but it’s just an excuse for you not to talk to me and to do your own thing.

i think i’m still pretty pissed about that bullshit of ‘im stuck in front of the computer all day, i dont want to come home and stare at it or the phone all night too’. you’re always on your fucking phone. you really think i wouldn’t notice? you’d always be on your phone watching crossfit videos. my messages would always pop up. you just chose to ignore them. you were the one who cut of our communication. you know it. and you wanted to. you know it was impossible for me to talk to you when im school except via our phones. so unless you’re saying that talking to me has absolutely no value to you, you were the one who caused our communication to break down simply because you don’t want to stare at the screen talking to me but rather stare at the screen watching men lift weights.

i absolutely fucking hate how i had done nothing wrong in our relationship yet i was the one who got dumped. if anything it should have been me. i should have left your stupid god damn fucking sexy ass the moment i realized that you will never give me the love that i give you. you were the one who fucking ripped me away from someone who loved me more than you could ever have and i voluntarily left him for you because you were my unfinished business and i loved you to the core- i loved you when you threw me away and i still loved you when you told me to go explore other guys. i trusted you when you said you wanted me and i trusted you when you said “don’t you see how good we are together?” and i don’t fucking trust people left right center. i only trust people who i think deserve my trust. who i know wouldn’t betray me and my feelings. i trusted you for nothing, and you know what? i will never ever trust you again. not with anything. you want to hear that im doing well? fuck you. i wont tell you shit. because i’m not even important to you- if i was never important to you as your girlfriend why the fuck would i be important as your ex?

one month, eleven days, and counting. bring it on you piece of shit of a heartbreaker. you’ll never get me to care about you anymore even though i can never stop loving you. my love runs so deep for you it’s ruining me. i have suppressed my feelings for you once, all those emotions, the hurt, the lust, the happiness, the sadness that you gave me and even though i have it suppressed it doesn’t suppress the fact that you were my everything. i love who i am. but you didn’t. you only loved what i could give you, you loved what i was capable of, and you loved the comfort i provided. but you didn’t love me, and you never did. i was a fucking FOOL to have believed you loved me even for a second. because love does NOT let you throw away someone the moment other plans come up. love does NOT blind you to these life ambitions but rather amplify them and makes you think about your life with that person. so no, don’t even say you loved me. because you OBVIOUSLY didn’t and you’re just fooling yourself. you know nothing. all you ever know is ambition and having everyone around you cater to your needs and if you’re not catered then you could throw them away. i hope to god, like the one you believe in, that you’ll one day suffer the consequences of using people like that. i hope one day you’ll understand my pain, every last drop of it and i hope one day you’ll ask me how to make it go away because i hope that one day ill be able to shove EVERYTHING into your face and make you feel how much pain and suffering my heart went through because of you.

Dear New Girl,

I hope you’re madly in love with him, as he is madly in love with you. I hope that you are able to love his silly, goofy side when he makes those faces, and those ridiculous, silly jokes that make no sense and always end up being about how strong he is. I hope that you love his serious attitude about life, about work, about career and above all I hope you’re being the pillar that I wasn’t able to be for him. That one, solid pillar that he needs most now than ever, to support and motivate him in ways that would help him achieve his dreams. I hope that you’re being tough on him too, driving him to strive for those goals without ever making him feel like it’s unattainable. There will be a lot of times where he will be quiet and withdrawn- don’t worry, that’s because he’s either working, at the gym, eating, showering, or having his personal time with his family. I know, sounds almost impossible for you guys to talk. But don’t worry, there will be time made for you because he’s in love with you and knows you’re an integral part of his life, someone who he’d want to share his life with. He will be making sacrifices for you and I hope you appreciate them because he doesn’t do them for just anyone. I don’t know how he’ll be like when he’s with you but all I hope for is for you to treat him with respect and trust, as he is with you. I also hope, above all else, that you’re able to talk to him about things, important things, that matter to both you and him. That when he starts to muse about things you will listen and give input whether he asks for them or not. That you’ll be your own person and never, ever feel like you’re inferior. Your own opinions and values and goals are what shines out the most so I hope that you’ll be strong enough to talk to him about them.

And you don’t have to worry about me. Sure, we may still be friends when you are dating him but you’ll never have to worry about me. He cannot love me the way he loves you. I may love him, forever, but I am strong enough to know that that needs to stay where it belongs- in the past. You are his present and his future. His family will accept you whole-heartedly and will never be embarrassed to call you his girlfriend. His father would be just as silly and goofy as he is, but he is also extremely hard working and extremely intelligent and I am sure you’ll be able to see where he gets all of his traits and charm from. You will see why he is meticulous because you will see how his mother raised him. And his brother? You’ll know exactly how close they are by watching them and you’ll understand why he puts family first above all. He will never cheat on you, and he will never do anything to deserve your skepticism. He will protect you and love you and you will know. He will be independent but also be dependent on you when situations call for it. And I hope you can be there for him no matter what, when or where. You are his best friend and he trusts you to do the same.

You will feel like the luckiest girl in the world. From his personality to his looks, I guarantee you you will never be disappointed. I wonder how strong he is now. I know he’s hurt his shoulder a while back but I’m positive he’s back on track and lifting things beyond what he never thought was possible for himself. I hope you’ve got strong hands because he loves a good back rub. And if you ever get into a fight, just run your fingers through his hair slowly but firmly, and he’ll always be putty in your hands. When you go out for movies, take his arm and slowly, lightly, run your index finger nail down his biceps and forearm- he will squeeze your hand and let you know that that feels amazing. When you kiss him, don’t be forceful- the gentlest of kiss will show you everything he feels about you. And don’t worry about his hands- it’s a condition that I hope you’re able to see past and accept, even learn to never be bothered by.

We couldn’t work out because I couldn’t give him the one thing he needs the most in a relationship, which is motivation. To make his mind churn, make him focus on his goals. Help him to never lose sight of his dream, and to always support him whenever you see fit. But I hope that, by the time you are with him, he would have already achieved his goal so that all he needs is love. Honest, pure, unconditional love. Because if I could be a driving force for him, I would never have written this letter to you.

Secrets to Tell

Have you ever had something you wanted to tell someone but also know you should keep as a secret instead? It could be personal, it could be someone else’s secret (but not so-secret, let’s be real). And all you hope for is for someone to know your secret without actually asking you outright about it. Sometimes it happens, and sometimes it makes you feel great. Sometimes, it backfires.

So the person actually knew what was wrong with you- or at least, could tell what was wrong. And you though crap, my secret is blown- but is it? Is it actually a secret though, or should this actually be something people should know? Last night, out of the blue, my boyfriend asked if I needed to talk to him about something. And magically enough, that same day I had posted my 3am rant (see last post). He knows I have this ridiculous blog but he also said he wouldn’t actively seek it out again. Which made me wonder if he was telling the truth, not that I care if he reads or not. My rant basically explained how I felt a little left out when he was with his friends and how I just sometimes don’t know how and why I’m okay with being secondary with the things in his life. Ironically too he said he hoped I didn’t feel secondary but the fact is that I am- which he also seemed to have confirmed and yes, it’s still okay with me. It’s just when I think about it sometimes, especially at this time of year, I basically see him as much as I would during the school year when I would be back in the land of nowhere. And I also talk to him as much as I would during the school year, or as much as I would as an ordinary, unappealing friend.

I know he’s not a big talker through text. But my biggest secret I don’t want to tell him is I feel like the only time he would pay attention to me is before and during sex. And by attention I mean actually doing things a boyfriend would normally do. Once sex is over, attention drops to the unappealing friend zone.

Yeah I’m probably overthinking it and yeah I’m probably being a huge drama queen about it but whatever. If i didn’t even care about this relationship I wouldn’t even care about this. This can’t be something I can say to him, because a part of me also knows it’s not true- but my feelings are real. It’s all about feelings vs reality. And even though one may not be real, it sure feels real to me.

A 3am rant

Well, I had a good day. Got to see my boyfriend and surprised by a trip downtown with his relatives and family. It was pretty cold but nonetheless pretty nice. I had a good time. He invited some of his friends over later for some games and chilling.

And well, it was like I was in the background amongst these guys which I understand I suppose; it was like a guys night basically. But I felt quite out of place especially when my boyfriend didn’t really pay any attention to me whatsoever after we went out to get some pizza since I barely ate anything for the entire day. In fact it was his little brother who talked to me more throughout the night. Meh.

And then when we were eating the pizza, there were only a few of us talking. He was telling his friends how his life consisted of work gym eat sleep and repeat. He even said which left him no time for his girlfriend. So without thinking I automatically said “I don’t know why I’m still with you”.

Honestly I don’t think I meant it but it came out sarcastically so hopefully they understood. I don’t think I meant it. Because of course, everything I have been doing was for the sake of this relationship with him. I stopped seeking attention and I stopped comparing past experiences. But even still, I feel like I’m missing out on a greater aspect of love. I know he means well and cares about me but only to the extent when it’s convenient and immediate to him. He doesn’t really think twice about me but it isn’t out of lack of interest but rather the lack of the feeling of wanting to. It’s kind of hard you know, when you’re treated just like a friend.

A Tiffany & Co. present can’t be from anyone else.

As we all know, Tiffany & Co is the universal symbol of love and nothing is a greater sign of love and happiness from your significant other. You can’t beat it- it’s sparkly, it’s gorgeous, and it’s pant-ripping expensive. It is the ultimate present that your boyfriend gets you so don’t be fooled by any others trying to buy one for you- those don’t mean anything. Friends can’t buy friends Tiffany & Co- it’s just isn’t right. All those heart pendants, those key necklaces, those gorgeous rings- too awkward to buy for a friend. Even the ‘Mom’ pendant — what is THAT doing there?? What on earth is Tiffany & Co thinking, making a ‘Mom’ pendant? Yuck. They have to get rid of that. How do those even make revenue?

Of course, when it is your birthday, your boyfriend must be the one to buy you something from Tiffany & Co. It is the only acceptable present allowed. If he doesn’t pay for the entire present, he doesn’t love you, sorry hon. He simply couldn’t spend a minimum of $165 on you- that’s a shame. I mean if I was a newly full timer, I would totally spend all my money on objective presents and spending everything I’ve saved up on a potential partner. Not to mention my parents would totally agree that I am spending my money wisely. But hey who cares? At least now you’ve reeled this girl in good because you bought her a ring from Tiffany & Co that isn’t one of their engagement rings. And now her parents will expect you to keep buying Tiffany & Co presents, something of equivalent value or more, every birthday, every milestone for the rest of your life. God how I wish I could be living this life right now.

If your friends try to get you a Tiffany & Co ring, be careful- it isn’t coming from your boyfriend. It won’t have the same value- it’s not from your love. Your friends should buy you something else – a tshirt, or some more body lotion which you’ve already stockpiled because that’s what friends are good for. Your friends shouldn’t be getting you a Tiffany & Co present because it’s just way too weird. They’re not in love with you, why are they buying you something from Tiffany & Co?

Sorry all you single ladies. A Tiffany & Co present can’t be from anyone else but your boyfriend. If you want something from them, you better get one first.

Maybe he’s in it just for the sex.

So I haven’t blogged in a long awhile. This is quite spontaneous of me.

I guess I just wanted to put some of my thoughts out here, coherently (I’ll try). Thoughts about my future, thoughts about everything that’s going on around me.

My life’s pretty mundane. Got school, assignments, projects, presentations, food to cook, people to talk to, drama to resolve, boyfriend to see. Guess I rarely do the latter though- and it’s not easier since he’s leaving for good ol Florida in less than a week’s time. He’ll only be there for a week but, damn it, I’m totally free that weekend. What am I supposed to do at home now?

And then there’s my dreary future after university. In the best case scenario, I’ll get my degree and find a nice job to get me started with making money, doing things I always wanted to do without school invading my time, like going to the gym (shh, excuses). I’ll like the job, have a steady income, be happy with my career life. In the worst case scenario, I’ll not get my degree. LOL, alright well, I’m pretty sure I will. So the next worst case scenario is me getting my degree, not finding any job, and having my boyfriend move to the states for his new job. Wut.

I have friends who always joke about getting married and having babies and whatnotcrap us girls always talk about. But honestly I hate it whenever I hear those jokes. I don’t think it’s a joke. It’s serious, and it’s especially serious when I don’t even know if I’ll make it that far in this relationship. I don’t feel like I will- and don’t blame me because my boyfriend even explicitly said we are no where close to being there yet. I guess…it hurts? It’s the truth yes, but it hurts still, how am I supposed to control that? Who wants to hear that their relationship has a mysterious end where it’s 50/50 chance of it not working out. Who wouldn’t try to make it work out? Who wouldn’t want to encourage their other half (sorry, is that too cheesy a term?) that they will get through it together? Those aren’t lies, they won’t be lies if you try. And it sucks, you know, knowing that they’re so literally down to earth they don’t even see the emotional side of these talks. Why am I so obsessed with finding a job? Because if I don’t, I’m basically done with my relationship. There is no way in hell my boyfriend would accept that- I mean yeah, who would want to date someone who can’t get a job? I already know I will struggle. And it sucks, just waiting for it to loom towards me and I can’t do anything about it.

Man but seriously, if you were (or are) the boyfriend of a girl, whom you’ve date for over a year now, would you say that? Would you tell her we’re not there yet and that when the time comes we’ll see if it’ll work out? If not then…you’ll cross that bridge later? Like what? Is there no sense of will to fight for it, instead of letting it just be? In that case, why not date another girl? Date another girl who doesn’t care if the relationship won’t work out, is just as down to earth as you. There’s no positivity. There’s no honest effort in trying to make it work- just whatever is, is. Call me lame, call me idealistic, call me out of my mind. But I know there are so many men out there who take much larger steps, willing to put it out on the line visibly, and willing to let everyone know that he loves this girl and that he will do anything for her. He still hides me from his family in the sense that he doesn’t put pictures up. and then tells me to hide the fact he bought me flowers from them- but to still put a picture up. It’s like he’s ashamed to show how much he loves me to his family. If he even does. Maybe he’s just in this relationship for the sex he gets out of it.

And it hurts, okay? I know what it feels like to be hurt. I have been hurt, and I have done the hurting. Doesn’t matter how much tolerance I’ve built up. I still feel something.

No, really, I don’t mind.

Says no one ever.

God, I swear, I will find all of those selfless people in this world and hug them and be their friend and forever be their slaves. Oh that’s right, no one is like that. Ever. Wait how did I drift off into this..oh right. I’m ranting again. So of course, the boy gets sick literally two days before he comes up to visit me in the land of greyness (I live in Ontario, guess) so I spent this last weekend studying and getting my shit done for school. It was cool. But I’m like retardedly busy for the next…2 weeks and he just really doesn’t want to come up. Oh that’s right…his gym comes before me. Yeah, I get it, he paid for the lessons. But DON’T say you want to come up for a night, then kinda squeal on it. It’s like giving a lollipop to a child then just before he eats it happily you snatch it back and lick it. Kid cries, obviously.

What’s that about the gym? Yeah, he’s big into it and I understand that’s his thing. And yeah, he had a lesson that he paid for that he missed for the first few times? (don’t look at me, none of that was MY doing). And coming up might be “a bit too much” for him…after he literally said “i don’t really mind coming up for a night though” and a “maybe i’ll come up friday evening”. Please. Just don’t. If you really don’t wanna, don’t. Stop doing that. It really SUCKS to hear it. Say what you mean, and mean what you say, please. SERIOUSLY. I gave you an option and it would have been fine if you said you couldn’t right off the bat instead of trying to coat it then give me hope then make it crash down on me. I’m honestly sick of it.

You know, spending a little time with me wouldn’t kill you, would it? Yeah, I totally forgave you for being sick that wasn’t on you. But hey, you’ll be fine by the end of the week. You know what, me missing you a lot just seems wayyy too creepy as your girlfriend. So creepy man. God, why does she miss me so much?! The horrors. None of your other roommates miss theirs– OH RIGHT. one lives with him in the same room, the other sees him every other week while HER boyfriend comes to see her for the other weeks. Yeah, THAT’S effort. HM. WONDER WHY THEY DON’T MISS THEM AS MUCH AS ME. You know, I shouldn’t even be missing you at all. I’ve got my friends (and their boyfriends of course) and I’ve got school. Yeah. I’ve got my varsity team and I’ve got myself. So what’s the difference between being my boyfriend and being my friend.

And I’ve already told you, if i was ALLOWED to go home, I would’ve, in a blink of an eye. But I can’t, okay, so why is it such a struggle for you? I guess I’m really just there for convenience. I should get this whole bad bitch vibe going instead of always being so placid and understanding. I understand too much. I give no room for myself to feel equal in this. I’m always giving and never getting. I don’t get it. If it were me, I would do whatever it took to see him in a heartbeat. I mean, that’s what people do….when they like each other right?

What is Family

They yelled, screamed, judged, and most of pressured me into being the perfect daughter. Why don’t you understand this, yelled my father, who was teaching me mathematics since I was in junior high. How many times do I need to repeat myself, he yelled again, frustrated, while I shrank back in my seat, digging my nails into my palms and yelling at myself why I didn’t I understand. I just didn’t. I couldn’t- not with his menacing frown and the slicing words that shredded any confidence I had in me. I was pretty much useless in their eyes, a waste of space. I would never be right. I would always be in the wrong. I would never know when to do things myself, how to do things myself, and be able to survive alone, they believed. I was useless. Not like their son, on his way to making partner at Deloitte who recently bought his own car with his own money and has already seen half the world with an equally successful long term girlfriend. I am the failure, I am useless. They hold no confidence in me, yet judge me whenever I show I have no confidence. Have more confidence in yourself they say. And yet, all this time, all they’ve been doing was stomping it out, destroying it, while pretentiously encouraging me that I should have more in the first place. How messed up is that? I hate being weak. I wanted to prove them wrong. But they’ll never give me the chance to. Each fight I have with them only puts me in more shit. Why do I bother anymore? I want to get out of the house. But how could I? If I could just keep running forever, I would. I want to run away from all of this and just be left alone. I have faced it. And there’s no stopping them- no matter how hard I’ve tried for the past 16 years.

At the end of the fight, my father said: I think you have a grudge on us.

And for a moment of silence, I took those words in. Maybe he was right. Maybe I did. I remember I had written quite an angry post when I was little- oh very, very little if you were wondering- and it’s right here actually, in my hands.

I will prove you wrong.

I had written that many many times over on the page- guess I was adamant about it. Maybe that’s why I give such snarky retorts that make them angry. And it actually gives me a little bit of comfort to see them angry. Because they can feel what I feel. But at the same time, they get to show it while I get to hide it.

So it makes me wonder. What the hell is family.