So I haven’t blogged in a long awhile. This is quite spontaneous of me.
I guess I just wanted to put some of my thoughts out here, coherently (I’ll try). Thoughts about my future, thoughts about everything that’s going on around me.
My life’s pretty mundane. Got school, assignments, projects, presentations, food to cook, people to talk to, drama to resolve, boyfriend to see. Guess I rarely do the latter though- and it’s not easier since he’s leaving for good ol Florida in less than a week’s time. He’ll only be there for a week but, damn it, I’m totally free that weekend. What am I supposed to do at home now?
And then there’s my dreary future after university. In the best case scenario, I’ll get my degree and find a nice job to get me started with making money, doing things I always wanted to do without school invading my time, like going to the gym (shh, excuses). I’ll like the job, have a steady income, be happy with my career life. In the worst case scenario, I’ll not get my degree. LOL, alright well, I’m pretty sure I will. So the next worst case scenario is me getting my degree, not finding any job, and having my boyfriend move to the states for his new job. Wut.
I have friends who always joke about getting married and having babies and whatnotcrap us girls always talk about. But honestly I hate it whenever I hear those jokes. I don’t think it’s a joke. It’s serious, and it’s especially serious when I don’t even know if I’ll make it that far in this relationship. I don’t feel like I will- and don’t blame me because my boyfriend even explicitly said we are no where close to being there yet. I guess…it hurts? It’s the truth yes, but it hurts still, how am I supposed to control that? Who wants to hear that their relationship has a mysterious end where it’s 50/50 chance of it not working out. Who wouldn’t try to make it work out? Who wouldn’t want to encourage their other half (sorry, is that too cheesy a term?) that they will get through it together? Those aren’t lies, they won’t be lies if you try. And it sucks, you know, knowing that they’re so literally down to earth they don’t even see the emotional side of these talks. Why am I so obsessed with finding a job? Because if I don’t, I’m basically done with my relationship. There is no way in hell my boyfriend would accept that- I mean yeah, who would want to date someone who can’t get a job? I already know I will struggle. And it sucks, just waiting for it to loom towards me and I can’t do anything about it.
Man but seriously, if you were (or are) the boyfriend of a girl, whom you’ve date for over a year now, would you say that? Would you tell her we’re not there yet and that when the time comes we’ll see if it’ll work out? If not then…you’ll cross that bridge later? Like what? Is there no sense of will to fight for it, instead of letting it just be? In that case, why not date another girl? Date another girl who doesn’t care if the relationship won’t work out, is just as down to earth as you. There’s no positivity. There’s no honest effort in trying to make it work- just whatever is, is. Call me lame, call me idealistic, call me out of my mind. But I know there are so many men out there who take much larger steps, willing to put it out on the line visibly, and willing to let everyone know that he loves this girl and that he will do anything for her. He still hides me from his family in the sense that he doesn’t put pictures up. and then tells me to hide the fact he bought me flowers from them- but to still put a picture up. It’s like he’s ashamed to show how much he loves me to his family. If he even does. Maybe he’s just in this relationship for the sex he gets out of it.
And it hurts, okay? I know what it feels like to be hurt. I have been hurt, and I have done the hurting. Doesn’t matter how much tolerance I’ve built up. I still feel something.