So halfway watching this movie, a quote comes up:
“I was engaged once…but it ended shortly. I didn’t know who he was anymore.”
Something along those lines. But it got to me, and it really made me think..and as I continued watching it, I saw the consequences of a couple getting engaged… the horrors. Not saying that I’ll never get engaged– it just made me think. The person you thought you knew before you are going to live your life with forever…just really isn’t the person you love.
And it’s scary when you think about it. It’s like investing yourself with a split personality. Why? And more importantly, why can’t we know what a person is like before getting engaged? Why is there always secrets being hidden, different sides of their anger we never knew existed, a completely horrifying person beneath the facade of the one we love? And it doesn’t even have to be a big thing..something as subtle as a racist comment, or even passively revealing their controlling, authoritative behaviour on you. Maybe they’re actually possessive. Maybe they’re actually sadistic. Maybe they’re actually a mama’s boy. And it sucks, when you slowly realize that the person you promised to share your life with doesn’t exist anymore. They’ve become a whole different stranger the moment that ring gets on your finger. But why?
I feel like the #1 thing couples should do to prevent this two-faced horror is to never. ever. lie. to one another. Not even about something that’s bothering you. Always tell them what is bothering you. Even if it is something trivial, like putting your favourite mug in another spot. Tell one another your thoughts. Share your secrets. Because to love is to trust, and without trust and without taking that leap of faith, there is no love.
Can exes be friends? Like, real friends? I feel like you could. But it wouldn’t be the same. You can’t joke about things anymore because it reminds you of the past and it suddenly becomes awkward. You don’t want your feelings to become stirred again- happy or sad. Things are fine, not talking. But things are also fine talking. Is it really? You don’t know. Your body naturally stops you from hurting yourself- physically and emotionally. When things are going okay, you cut it short- you don’t want to be hurt again. Exes probably can’t be friends. Acquaintances, at best. “Yeah, I know her.” But you probably wouldn’t say “I used to love her.” It hurts when you really think about it. It hurts when you realized that the person you honestly would have wanted to live your life with just won’t be that person anymore. And it sucks. How are you supposed to call yourselves friends when there is no interaction anymore? Your friends called her a keeper. But she was the one who left. A hole in your group of friends, segregation. You can’t forgive and you can’t forget. But isn’t that what friends do? You guys can’t be friends. It’s either love or indifference. Friendship is obliterated once a relationship is over. There is no going back. Can you live with that decision? Can you live knowing that who you once loved is now a total stranger? Even if both sides of the party wanted to remain friends, life doesn’t work that way. You can’t be. You never will be again.
I suddenly remembered what a nice young lady told me last year as I asked her for a burger for my caddie at the amateur round. She gave me a sly smile and said “who is this for?”. I blushed and told her it was for my caddie, my friend. She winked, “Just a friend? You’re awfully happy talking about him”. At that point I felt embarrassed because nobody else could tell I was in love with him. But here was a stranger who could tell just by the sound of my voice as I asked her for a burger. Before I could say anything she told me something that I still remember even today.
“Do you like him?”
“It’s complicated .. He’s been my friend for a very long time. ”
“That’s the best then. Because that means you already know all of his quirks and imperfections ..yet you still like him. That is the best kind of relationship. ”
I don’t know when you’ll be reading my blog again, but today I just want to give you this message. We’re actually talking on Skype right now (ish, since you’re about to go for lunch) which makes this actually pretty funny. We just got over a ridiculous scare last night…and you’re still doubting the results lol. It’s okay though, I believe in it. But I am honestly very touched that you stayed with me and you kept reassuring me that we’re going to be okay. And that we’re in this together. And the way that you held me tight and squeezed my hand when we walked into the house. I was very scared that if I really really was pregnant, you would have no choice but to leave. It’s not a rare thing for men to be so freaked out that they leave the relationship. And I guess I’m sorry that I had those doubts. You could probably tell I was doubtful- that’s why you kept reassuring me that you were in this as much as I was. You never faltered or had second thoughts about leaving. And I’m so grateful for that.
Each day with you keeps getting better and better. Time flew by so fast. And it’s not slowing down anytime soon (least not on my side). How strange it is that we ended up being together. I really did thought that my time with you was done back then and I had to force myself to move on and forget we ever had something that could have grown into something immeasurable. I know you had your reasons, and I remember everything that happened from the time we fell out of contact in the winter to the time you came back with a fierce passion during the Amateurs the next summer but even to this day, I wasn’t sure whether it was because of me who really pulled you back, or the knowledge that I was with another man that pulled you back. Whatever the reason, I have never regretted the decision to be with you now. We had it rough in the beginning, not like other relationships where there would be nothing but ponies and rainbows, but now we’re on an upwards spiral. I remember the very first time I met you- at the Dome, and we shook hands. You had to go though, so it was a quick meeting; but I remember so clearly that feeling I had, it wasn’t just one of those ‘oh he’s cute’ feelings. You were wearing your glasses and your hair was (probably) in a messy array but you were so charming.. and I never ever met a man who was charming in my terms. There was something else- I remember our eyes met and I felt something. I know you did too.
I remember you discovering my food allergy for the first when you had thoughtfully brought me some fried rice with shrimps in it. You were so apologetic it was unbelievable; you never apologize that much! the summer passed so fast and then we fell out of contact…you were in your third year of university while I was in my last year of highschool… I also remembered when my ex from highschool-to-first year university pissed me off, you made me feel better, and even laugh through text. You were only a friend back then, a good acquaintance. I liked you, you were a sweet guy. But I never actually really liked you until we started hanging out more. On and off the course, I was never happier. I was so happy and so giddy whenever I saw you. But I thought you wouldn’t ever consider me- I was so young, still in highschool, and you were almost done your university life. I figured you would want a girl who’s closer to you in age. And then…I don’t know, shit just happened. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I wanted to be with you. I always chose you over every other man I’ve come across and I kept comparing them with you. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it’s the way you laugh, maybe it’s the way you hug me with your arms always crushing me (seriously, if you keep working them out you’d be the hulk), or maybe it’s because I couldn’t stay away from you no matter how hard I tried. There was something about you- us- that I couldn’t give up without seeing where it goes. The way you handle things, and the way you think things through, the way you joked with me and the way you kissed me. You made me happy and you made me sad, but I wouldn’t trade those feelings for anything. The way you broke my heart too that winter, a shattering feeling that was, in a way, a billion times worse than my first ever heartbreak. I would go to sleep crying and I would wake up sighing. I would have to stay signed out of MSN (good ol times) so that I don’t get the urge to message you. I would have to throw my phone, literally, onto my bed whenever I wanted to text you. You drove me crazy and I couldn’t even tell you why. I loved everything about you and the way you made me feel. I fell in love with you so hard I didn’t even have the chance to take a step back. But you were so immersed in your studies that you had no chance to develop something with me. Well, I was glad you told me beforehand. I was glad you had given me the respect of choice and given me your honest answer. I know I did not have the right to blame you, and I didn’t, and I’m not, but it was hard on me. I was mad, but I was moreso upset that I had lost you.
I have all but forgotten, but I think that’s what makes you more precious to me. You are the only second chance in my life, and I will never regret it. I will never let you slip from my grasp again, not without a fight. You’ve taught me how to be independent, how to strive for something, how to be a better person. You are my inspiration and the greatest love of my life. I’m not sure if I was born to be with you, but I am sure as hell willing to find out.
I admit it- I’m definitely not as confident as I should be. You know how people say ‘You should take your own advice’? I really should. I keep telling people, friends and/or strangers, my thoughts on life and dreadful relationship problems. Some like them, some don’t. But for everything that I believe in, sometimes I really don’t take them myself.
Sex, for example.
Everybody has been taught that sex shouldn’t happen until you’re married or whatever. But everyone knows (or at least, a lot of people know) that many kids start to have sex at at VERY young age. Why don’t we ever listen? Because we will never believe another’s words until we have personally suffered from that same experience. We are idiots like that. But that is also the best way we will learn, and once we have learned that lesson the hard way, we suddenly start preaching it exactly like how our parents preached to us about it.
There are some things I am very confident about. Most of these things however, are hard to teach on paper. They are physical skills which makes it even harder. And I am never one to be pretentious when it comes to things I truly do not know. Computer science, for example, I have no clue. Human anatomy on the other hand? I know it pretty decently (I sure hope so. My bachelor’s counting on it).
But I am both confident and a hypocrite when it comes to subjective things and ideas such as relationships. Which is ironic, because I give advice that sometimes I don’t even follow.
Ah well. Everyone’s like that, right?
Daily Prompt: 3 things I believe to be true, 3 things I believe to be false.
I meant for this to be done yesterday but it slipped my mind. I’ll finish it now.
#1: Money. you cannot do anything without it. you simply cannot, at least not where I live. Assuming those who are from an average family- money is extremely powerful and it will either make you rise or fall. All it takes is to know that it is important. Jealous of that man’s fitted suit? Jealous of people that go on vacations every other month? Jealous of that beautiful diamond ring? Now, I know there are many people who fall under misfortune’s hands and become jobless, homeless. This is not to spite them. This is a truth that matters to me- and money, matters where I come from.
#2: Health. you cannot do anything without it either. you simply cannot.
#3: Gut. everyone says to trust your gut. the feeling you get. intuition, basically. What does your gut tell you? It tells me that I should make the decision that will benefit me. Ever had the fight between head and heart? Your gut is the mediator.
#1: Compassion. i find it very difficult to find real compassion in people. sure, there are those who really do try to share the pains of others but in most cases, they do it for show, not real compassion. image. status. real compassion is powerful- which is such a shame that they aren’t a common trait in people. in this world it’s one for yourself.
#2: Sympathy. this is different from compassion. sympathy is just a feeling- the common words of : ‘oh, i’m so sorry’. i’m so sorry. did you feel that? not that you would know whether i meant it or not.
#3: Wisdom (from the ages). this is actually a funny case, and i probably brought this up because of my father. my father was from the 40’s.. yes, he’s quite old. and everytime we argue, whether it is relevant or not, he would always say: i know better than you. you still have a long way to go in life. And it bugs me- do you really know better than me? does your experience equate to my experience? it’s almost the same as me telling the rest of you that your first relationship will never work out at the age of 16, because mine didn’t. well hell, my uncle and aunt had been childhood friends-turned lovers and a married couple for almost 70 years.
so there are my heart’s truths and lies. there is no right or wrong, just a few things that stand out for me personally. don’t get me wrong, i’m not a debbie downer or a depressed masochist (despite my blog focusing on relationship problems), i’m just a girl whose eyes have been opened a little wider than usual (yes, i have big eyes).
i’ve been speaking from a passive voice but not today. today i feel like ranting. i’m going to rant.
it’s been bugging me, but i hope i’m not the only one. you don’t say ‘i don’t mind’ when your boyfriend or girlfriend asks to see you. you say ‘no sorry, no time’ or ‘yes, i want to see you too’. you know what ‘i don’t mind’ translates to me as? ‘i couldn’t give less of a fuck if i see you or not. if i see you, cool, if i don’t cool.’
and it boggles me that you would NOT want to see your boyfriend/girlfriend. it boggles me that you have time to be okay with seeing me but not the incentive to see me. it boggles me that you have the time to be okay with seeing me but not wanting to see me.
do you see it? wanting to see them and not minding seeing them are VERY. DIFFERENT. THINGS.
wanting to see someone is rare. you know, people get bored of each other real fast once you hang out with them all the time. you end up asking each other ‘what do you wanna do?’ ‘i dont know, what do you wanna do?’ all the time. it becomes tedious. boring. you don’t want to see the other person because you don’t want to be in a stale atmosphere. when you want to see someone, you’re looking for stimulus. excitement. companionship. when you want to see someone, you want to talk endlessly, non-stop, because you simply just love talking to them. when you want to see someone, all your attention is spent on them. when you’re in love with someone you want to see them.
not minding seeing someone happens everyday. remember that one high school acquaintance you said you’d eat sushi with 5 years ago? you wouldn’t mind seeing them and eating sushi with them. you wouldn’t mind seeing your uncle from your mother’s side who lives on the other side of the world (who you don’t really know and who is twice removed) for a dinner with your family. you wouldn’t mind seeing your annoying neighbours to play with their extremely cute dog. now replace ‘not mind’ with ‘want’. that doesn’t happen often does it?
saying ‘i don’t mind’ when your girlfriend asks to see you is equivalent to you brushing her off. you don’t have to feel bad. honestly, i prefer if you give me a very straight to the point answer: yes or no. ‘i don’t mind’ is telling me you’re a pussy, i.e. you’re scared to tell me you don’t really want to see me without hurting my feelings. please. we’re all busy people here. you don’t have to give me some bullshit excuse to waste my time with you if you have nothing to give. the only reason why i want to see you is because i want to spend what time i have to your companionship. as in, i’m free at the moment and i would like to spend my time with you. if i didn’t have time to spare or if i prefer having my own time to myself, i wouldn’t ask in the first place. there are no feelings hurt with a ‘no’. there are very many feelings hurt when you say ‘i don’t mind’. because to me, that’s saying i can’t handle being rejected but at the same time you don’t really feel like spending your time on me but you HAVE to because you feel OBLIGATED to do so, as your ROLE as a BOYFRIEND. ffs, we’re not fucking children here. i am sick and tired of going around in circles and nothing is sexier to me than a guy who is straight up and honest and blunt. i am emotional but i absorb constructive criticism like sun rays. i may feel shitty but what else did you expect me to feel, GREAT that you don’t WANT to see me? of course not. but i will understand it, and i will not have to rant to strangers on the internet.
one day, if we ever get to that point, and you ask me ‘do you want to marry me?’, i think i will be very tempted to say ‘i don’t mind.’
greatest happiness, greatest sadness. greatest kindness, greatest anger. greatest trust, greatest solitary confinement. greatest love, greatest friendship, greatest loss.
you wake up at 5 a.m. in the morning. you reach for your work phone and you see emails from your boss and co-workers on it from the night before it and ignore them for later. you need to shower and brush your teeth for the day.
you put on your clothes, wash up, eat breakfast. you read the newspaper, make yourself some coffee, buttered toast with scrambled eggs and sausages from the freezer. you look up at the time and with a sigh put away the papers to get your car keys. you shrug on your coat and head to work.
traffic sucks and you’re stuck listening to Katy Perry on almost every radio station and you become sulky when a love song reminds you of your shitty past relationship. after an hour in rush hour traffic you reach your office and realize there were no parking spots left in the main parking lot so you had to exit the parking lot to drive over to the other parking lot that required you to walk an extra 5 minutes to your building. you arrive at your desk to a shitload of paperwork and you bury yourself in your work, even forgetting that it was your sister-in-law’s birthday today and that there was a dinner tonight. nope, can’t go, you told yourself as you wanted to facedesk upon the paperwork your co-workers left you (i.e. pieces of shit- first word read on the paper and you knew you had to correct the entire thing). you skip lunch, only taking a momentary break to go empty your bladder and possibly bowel. you grab a nasty cafeteria lunch while you’re at it and bring it back to your desk, only to have the gravy from the pre-made mashed potatoes splutter onto them. you spend a good 10 minutes trying to understand what the brown splotch had blurred and realize that your chair broke because it wasn’t able to lean back anymore when you sighed and leaned back in exasperation. now your back is killing you. oh yeah, the emails from yesterday- have you gotten to them yet? you check your pocket for your extremely outdated phone that has a tiny-ass screen. 30 emails, including 3 from your superiors. awesome. you take a good 1.5 hours to clear up the mail and get back to the paperwork.
you leave a voicemail in your sister-in-law’s phone saying how sorry you are and that you’re still at work and can’t make it to her dinner. the office has died down and you are literally the last one left. the clock strikes 9 pm and you finally decide it’s time to leave this shit for tomorrow and go home.
at home you kick off your shoes, throw your clothes on the ground, climb into bed and pass out.
if you life was like this, then yeah, you’re too busy.
but if you have a girlfriend or boyfriend who you really love, there will always be time for them.