From Two to One to None.

I know these two guys- brothers- and they were my real close, good friends. Were, as you noted. No, we’re not close anymore, let alone good. We used to play together, eat together, hang out together. I used to love watching them bicker in the brotherly fashion they used, all those sassy, sarcastic and drop dead hilarious comments they threw at one another. I knew nothing, absolutely nothing, would come in between or break this bond. And the worst part was I had developed feelings for both of them. And so did they. But I loved the little brother in the sense that I felt like he was my own little brother. I loved the older brother romantically. He was my world, everything and anything I’ve wanted. He could have asked me to do groceries for him and I would have done it in a heartbeat. I was head over Hell for him. It was horrible, immature, and very, very raw. These feelings for him were unfiltered, unaltered, unmasked. People say you feel butterflies in your stomach- I felt pterodactyls. I wouldn’t even know what to say or how to act around him. When his little brother told me he had feelings for me, I faltered. I did, too, but no where near to the feelings I had for his older brother. And so, I let him go. Our friendship died overtime. He grew distant and cold. I didn’t really know who he was anymore, and that chapter in our lives ended too soon.

The older brother had pulled me within his orbit long before I realized it. There was a year where all I could think about was him- he was my first and last thought in my mind every day. Needless to say, that year in school fucking sucked. I had put in only an eighth of my studying efforts into that year. And yes, it was brutal. When I look back at it now, I want to slap myself in the face for being so stupid and blind. I knew exactly what he was going to do to me, and I knew exactly what I should have done but I did not. I let him ruin me, I let him tear me apart top to bottom. He was my most recent ex, the only man I’ve loved so hard, so long, and so purely; and I will never love anyone that purely again. None of it was worth it. I am sick of being played, wronged, and left for selfish reasons. I went from two friends to one, to none.

I had a dream last night. The three of us were lying on a bed, watching a movie. I had laid myself over the two of them- my legs over my ex, and my head propped on my hand and elbow on his brother’s lap. We were friends again. I felt so serene. I felt happy, something that hasn’t happened to me for a time now. But I woke up this morning and I returned to reality. They’re not a part of my life anymore. I don’t want them to be. I don’t want to be reminded of how I failed in keeping the two people I cherished the most. We’re not friends anymore. We are all just memories of each other.

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A 3am rant

Well, I had a good day. Got to see my boyfriend and surprised by a trip downtown with his relatives and family. It was pretty cold but nonetheless pretty nice. I had a good time. He invited some of his friends over later for some games and chilling.

And well, it was like I was in the background amongst these guys which I understand I suppose; it was like a guys night basically. But I felt quite out of place especially when my boyfriend didn’t really pay any attention to me whatsoever after we went out to get some pizza since I barely ate anything for the entire day. In fact it was his little brother who talked to me more throughout the night. Meh.

And then when we were eating the pizza, there were only a few of us talking. He was telling his friends how his life consisted of work gym eat sleep and repeat. He even said which left him no time for his girlfriend. So without thinking I automatically said “I don’t know why I’m still with you”.

Honestly I don’t think I meant it but it came out sarcastically so hopefully they understood. I don’t think I meant it. Because of course, everything I have been doing was for the sake of this relationship with him. I stopped seeking attention and I stopped comparing past experiences. But even still, I feel like I’m missing out on a greater aspect of love. I know he means well and cares about me but only to the extent when it’s convenient and immediate to him. He doesn’t really think twice about me but it isn’t out of lack of interest but rather the lack of the feeling of wanting to. It’s kind of hard you know, when you’re treated just like a friend.

The Problem with Today’s Relationships.

Before I start my rant again, take a look at this video. It will explain everything I’m about to say.

There is nothing I hate more than having my parents interfere with my relationships.

It would be enough to warn me that our spendings was a little on the high side- we immediately agreed to cut back and watch what we spend. But that wasn’t the problem with my parents. Their problem was the fact that I had statements on my bill. The fact that I had statements on my bill means my boyfriend wasn’t paying for me. Their problem was the fact that they believed I was the one paying for everything.

What. the. fuck.

When I told them that we split it, and that I only use my card since I didn’t have cash on me, two things happened. #1, they didn’t believe he paid me back. #2 they expected him to pay if I didn’t have cash.

It’s like my parents wanted me to be a typical princessy bitch who demands everything out of her boyfriend and expects him to treat her to EVERYTHING. Their argument was that, if he truly loved me, he would pay for me. SERIOUSLY? they act like they’re fucking 10 years old. My mother’s a little queen- she loves it when people surround her with gifts and praise. Maybe that’s why she expects me to like too and that it is the RIGHT way to treat a girl. Well, I really, couldn’t give less of a fuck about that kind of stuff. I personally HATE being treated like a princess. If my boyfriend treats me occasionally, that feels a lot more sincere than treating me every time. Yes he’s making money, but that definitely doesn’t mean that he should pay all the time. Am I wrong?? Someone tell me I’m actually crazy and that my parents are right.

I get that when a person is HEAD OVER HEELS for you, they would do anything for you- impress you, PAY FOR YOU, shower you in GIFTS and all that shit; yeah, all that happens when you’re chasing the other person blindly. My parents said my boyfriend didn’t even need to try to get me. He didn’t have to put any effort. In what way are they allowed to make that assumption? What do they know about us? What do they even know about HIM? If the little things that count mean being able to see that he pays for me all the time, then I will say he has never done the little things. He has paid for me on special occasions. And that’s all I could ask for. But if you mean the little things such as making me happy only in the way he knows how, listening to me whenever I needed him to, making me a better person through everything I do, then I will bet you anything he trumps all of you in doing all the little things.

My parents are old fashioned. I cannot get too mad about it- but at the same time, it’s terribly infuriating. Being their ‘little girl’ I guess I can understand why they would want a man to do everything for me- they wouldn’t want the man to take advantage of me and whatever silly stupid ideas they get in their heads. They want to see physical proof he loves me; apparently my happiness isn’t enough. I overheard my parents talking about this when I was upstairs in my room. My mother was saying something along the lines of “if you really really really cared about someone, wouldn’t you want to pay for them?”

Let’s just think about that sentence for a mo– nope, the moment’s done. That is the most ridiculous and absurd thing I’ve ever heard in my life.

This is the problem of today’s relationships:

the men are expected to treat their women like spoiled brats and not as equal, independent individuals .

 

Women are sneaky. We say something but totally mean the other, just to test whether the man understood us or not and to see whether they could read our minds because they should know we’re actually paradoxical monsters. Just HOW dumb is that. How many girls do you see or know who beg for their boyfriend’s attention, money, and even their love? Probably one too many. If a girl can’t stand on her own, she’s useless. Absolutely useless. She’s not going anywhere in the world without a man and it is a BAD. TREND. It doesn’t matter whether you’re loaded or not. If you don’t have a head, you might as well not live. A waste of space. If I sound too harsh, too bad, because I refuse to take anything I said back. I believe my relationship is as solid as it could be given the timeframe I’ve had with my boyfriend. And I will not take it any other way.

And if you guys haven’t watched the video I linked yet, here it is:

If you feel like you’re in a relationship like this, or victim to this, change it. And if the change is not possible, leave it. Your future self will thank you.