I was at a bubbletea place the other night with my boyfriend. We were chatting after a long day at a golf tournament together and we were just sitting and enjoying ourselves, as we never really do this often. So we’re talking and talking until he randomly came up with plans for this Christmas. He asked if I would like to come with him this Christmas and of course, being a masochist I said no because I had no money even though that’s all I could ever ask for. Then he started to try to make me feel better by explaining how trips aren’t actually that expensive especially for all inclusives and yadda yadda. Then he says “You’ll have lots of chances in the future.”
There is nothing wrong with the sentence. And it was very reassuring coming from him, and of course it made me happy- for a bit. I am not a picky person and especially not when it comes to what people meant. But somehow, I couldn’t get over the fact that he said I will, and not “we will”. It’s not a big thing. Seriously. I even feel ridiculous writing about this. But it bugs me. And kinda makes me sad.
Whenever we talk about the future, we always put the two of our futures separately. We never include each other in our personal future- we never say “We will go somewhere” or “Our place would be nice” or anything of that sort. It would be “I will be going” or “My house would have a personal gym”. And this is exactly what I signed up for. I’m not complaining, no, really, not at all, I’m kinda just saying it and putting my feelings out there instead of bottling it up waiting for it to explode at a very wrong moment. I just feel like my relationship is so business-like and very very independent. Independence is great but…it could also be a little overdone. I mean, if you keep saying it so that your future just has you and you alone, why are you in a relationship? How would the other person feel? In my opinion, it makes me feel shitty but I always brush it off. I’ve gotten used to brushing it off. And now I’m starting to get feminine doubts about what I’m really doing and who I’m doing it for aside from myself.
I’m sure he doesn’t actually mean it to sound so cut off. But who has time to decipher words and what they actually mean all the time? I’m probably being extremely emotional and stupid right now but it honestly feels like we’re living our lives in parallel, not together. We are doing things for our own future, not for our future. My parents would always mention my future with him and how I need to get my shit together if we want a solid future together. I don’t even bother.
I know I think like a guy and my boyfriend knows I think like a guy. He loves that I understand him. But sometimes, it doesn’t hurt to make me feel like a girl outside of sex, right?