“Have you ever wanted to forget?”

“If it’s something you’re meant to forget, you will. Without even thinking you want to forget it. Because, the more times you think you want to forget, the stronger those memories become, right? So doesn’t that mean that, deep in your subconscious, you think you really shouldn’t forget them?”

New Year’s Resolutions- Pftttt.

Because nobody actually takes them seriously. And for those who do, I apologize, but life’s too crazy and realistic sometimes to be able to achieve your goals in that year. For those who were able to achieve them constantly, I applaud you, and ask you to contact me to share your secret.

I don’t think I’ve ever actually had a NYR. Sure I’d list some random things when people ask me but I don’t take it seriously. Why should I? You can’t anticipate what life has in store for you for the next year even if your goals ARE realistic and doable. I believe that you need to face things head on, good or bad. The more you set goals, and the more you’re unable to fulfill them, the more shitty you feel about yourself. This isn’t to say to lower your standards; I’m stating it seems more reasonable to accept the things life throws at you instead of trying to force your way into something life thinks you’re not ready for. I’m all about tolerating and accepting- and while some of you may totally disagree, which is fine, it has definitely helped me with my way of life. Tolerating other people’s quirks, and accepting the fact that some people will never change has minimized the amount of disappointment in my life. Yes to some of you this probably sounds super depressing. I’m here to say otherwise- I would probably be a LOT more depressed if I didn’t do these things. I have learned that tolerance helps control your emotions, and lets you see the reason behind a lot of actions. Accepting is harder. Accepting means you see their point of view as well and share it. And even though you may not act on it, accepting something inside is already one step closer to happiness.

So why make new resolutions every new year? I just have the same ones every year: achieve happiness.

Parallel Futures.

I was at a bubbletea place the other night with my boyfriend. We were chatting after a long day at a golf tournament together and we were just sitting and enjoying ourselves, as we never really do this often. So we’re talking and talking until he randomly came up with plans for this Christmas. He asked if I would like to come with him this Christmas and of course, being a masochist I said no because I had no money even though that’s all I could ever ask for. Then he started to try to make me feel better by explaining how trips aren’t actually that expensive especially for all inclusives and yadda yadda. Then he says “You’ll have lots of chances in the future.”

There is nothing wrong with the sentence. And it was very reassuring coming from him, and of course it made me happy- for a bit. I am not a picky person and especially not when it comes to what people meant. But somehow, I couldn’t get over the fact that he said I will, and not “we will”. It’s not a big thing. Seriously. I even feel ridiculous writing about this. But it bugs me. And kinda makes me sad.

Whenever we talk about the future, we always put the two of our futures separately. We never include each other in our personal future- we never say “We will go somewhere” or “Our place would be nice” or anything of that sort. It would be “I will be going” or “My house would have a personal gym”. And this is exactly what I signed up for. I’m not complaining, no, really, not at all, I’m kinda just saying it and putting my feelings out there instead of bottling it up waiting for it to explode at a very wrong moment. I just feel like my relationship is so business-like and very very independent. Independence is great but…it could also be a little overdone. I mean, if you keep saying it so that your future just has you and you alone, why are you in a relationship? How would the other person feel? In my opinion, it makes me feel shitty but I always brush it off. I’ve gotten used to brushing it off. And now I’m starting to get feminine doubts about what I’m really doing and who I’m doing it for aside from myself.

I’m sure he doesn’t actually mean it to sound so cut off. But who has time to decipher words and what they actually mean all the time? I’m probably being extremely emotional and stupid right now but it honestly feels like we’re living our lives in parallel, not together. We are doing things for our own future, not for our future. My parents would always mention my future with him and how I need to get my shit together if we want a solid future together. I don’t even bother.

I know I think like a guy and my boyfriend knows I think like a guy. He loves that I understand him. But sometimes, it doesn’t hurt to make me feel like a girl outside of sex, right?

the seven deadly sins in a relationship

Gluttony: the urge to keep chewing off more than you can swallow. The urge to ask for more when it was more than enough. The urge to push their limits in order to go past satisfied. You want their lives. You’re eating their lives, their personal space, their own time to work on themselves.

Lust: you crave their touch and how they make you feel so damn good. The way their fingers trace you and how soft or hard their kisses are. You want the feeling of letting yourself go completely and to feel that orgasmic sense of relief and goodness that you can’t feel anywhere else in your life. You want it dirty because everything else in your life is so organized and restrained- lust is your way out. And sometimes it is not even personal. Just an outlet.

Pride: they work at a prestigious workplace. You don’t. And it hurts you, to think that without an equally prestigious job, you have no chance in making this relationship work. Afterall, who would want to be with someone who isn’t even up to your standards? You know they take pride. You just can’t match it. You bury yourself with thoughts of an imminent societal conflict. And if there really is no way out.. It’s their pride and joy.

Envy: they have pictures of their exes but not with you. Their best friends are of the opposite sex. They have an easy going family who adapted to society. Their dog. Their happiness. Their success, and you in the dust forever wanting to catch up. But with a continent distance between you two.

Wrath: they broke your heart. They insulted you. They won the argument. They made references to their exes. They chose something else over you. And it gets trapped right beneath your ribcage, that hard thumping monster that wants to claw it’s way out of your heart. Anger and jealousy and extreme masochistic thoughts. And you let it out physically or let it in mentally.

Sloth: knowing they want you to drop the habit and pick up the other. But there is no other motivation. Knowing it is the better thing to do but it breaks your tradition and frankly, your routine. But it always gets postponed and it always hangs in the background forever on snooze.

Greed: You want them to give you even more, go beyond what is already amazing- just to see if there is anything more to collect. A little bit more love can’t hurt.

On Breaking Promises

Everyone’s guilty of it. Everyone’s done it: breaking a promise. They may be extremely important, or extremely trivial. It irks everyone; you guys made plans and you get all excited about it and then — they flop. It’s simply disappointing, frustrating and most of all, annoying. Some promises aren’t meant to be broken, and those are the ones that you really need to think about before saying “I promise”. But, there are promises that had no choice but to be broken..And you can’t really blame people for sometimes breaking promises, I mean, life happens, and things may happen suddenly without warning. You can’t get mad over those.

So, what are some promises that shouldn’t be broken?

1. Dates.

I want to believe that dates mean something. Means two people are giving a chance at love with one another by getting to know one another, and to spend some time investing in that. I don’t believe that flopping on a pre-set date you both agreed on deserves a second chance- of course, unless a family member is in critical condition or something, or you suddenly got a stomach flu (still a shady response). Some of you probably don’t see dates as super important and that’s totally fine. The reason why they shouldn’t be broken is because it simply says : I’m not interested in you enough to do anything to see you.

2. Relationships.

You know what this means: effort. If you’re serious about the person, and you’re serious about the relationship, then put effort into it. Effort automatically equates to you really putting yourself out there to love and be loved and honestly, there’s a lot of respect for a person who puts effort in. You know they care about things that matter to them. You know that you matter to them. And if you want a serious relationship without putting in effort, you’ve already broken that promise of the relationship. It’ll go nowhere.

3. Your Engagement.

Pretty self explanatory, no? I mean, you gave the girl your heart. You invested in her. He loves you. And by saying yes, you’re invested in him too. Don’t suddenly start freaking out about how you now realize that maybe he isn’t who he really is. You had the entire time you were dating him to figure it out. If he’s not the one but still proposes, don’t say yes out of guilt. Because the guilt of breaking off the engagement is, probably, a lot worse. And if you’re the one that proposed, don’t you think it’d be a slap in your own face if you suddenly realize that after promising this lovely girl your life with her, you actually didn’t really wanna? This isn’t changing your clothes- this is changing your heart. Which proves to show, superficiality is never as important as what lies underneath.

4. Your marriage.

And the epilogue to the engagement, of course, is the exchange of vows. You vowed to someone you love for heaven’s sake. If you really loved them, nothing should change, even if fights happen. Children may happen, and old age may start to happen too- but you guys fell in love for a reason. You guys mutually agreed to live your lives together, through thick and thin (I hope)- but when the going really gets tough, you chicken out? As long as there’s life in you, fight for it. Fight for what you know you guys have. If you guys can’t even keep the promise of being together for as long as you’re able to, why promise it in the first place? Promises are your responsibilities. If you can’t handle all aspects of your responsibilities, don’t promise anything, especially on love.

5. Secrets.

People confided in you for a reason- they trust you. And when they ask you to not tell anyone (because really, we all need to tell someone), try not to. Gossip is juicy- but if you want to be a trustworthy person, you have to be able to keep a secret. Especially if it does not involve you personally. Some people may be horrible at keeping secrets- and if you’re one of them, just tell your friend that it’s probably not a good idea if they absolutely insist you cannot tell anyone. Don’t put yourself on the spot in the future- disclaim yourself if you know you burst out spontaneously. Be responsible. Your friend would probably respect that than having their trust in you broken.

 

What’s the difference between these promises and all the other ones that if broken, wouldn’t be as much as a cause for alarm?

You.

 

 

 

Happiness Is…

1. Finding your missing sock after making out.

2. Getting your period on time.

3. Being yourself.

4. Watching movies while cuddling up.

5. Hugs.

6. Sleeping (just sleeping) together.

7. “I love you”

8. “I love you too”

9. Discovering they actually meant it.

10. Their unique smell.

11. Holding their hand.

12. The moment of utter peace in their presence.

13. Doing things together whether being outdoors or lounging with the TV.

14. Tickling them.

15. Taking a shower before seeing them.

16. The first kiss.

17. Independence without them.

18. Dependence with them.

19. The morning/good night texts.

20. Knowing they’re the one.

Things to Think About

Last night we were lazing in my room, both of us literally half asleep- it was about 11:30 pm and he had come over for a short visit after a few beers with his co-workers. I was dozing off for a bit until I saw him just lying there looking at my ceiling. I asked him what was wrong and he shook his head and said nothing, just thinking. He had the same thinking face from before. So I asked him what he was thinking about and he gave me an awkward smile/chuckle. “Nothing,” he said.

It’s strange how as we grow older the more we become paranoid. At that instant, I was thinking that he was thinking about us. Why did I think that he was thinking that? Perhaps it was because of the thinking face he had on. Or maybe it was because we were lying on my bed doing nothing and just lazing. It’s amazing how the lack of activities can make you think. What was he thinking about? I don’t think I’ll ever know. And that’s it- we will never know, we can only make educated guesses. You can’t know what a person’s thinking about because it’s a web of things, and maybe something totally unrelated in that web of thoughts affects the train of thought in something else. Have I confused you yet? Same.

If he was thinking about us, would it have been a good thought or a bad thought? Was he thinking “Man, I don’t think I can do this anymore”, or “Man, this is great”. I don’t think I’ll ever know. Or maybe he was thinking “My cleans are getting smoother”, or “IBM sucks”. Who knows. The best I can do is guess. So that leads me to my own train of thought: Why guess when the answer is right in front of you? Don’t guess. Take it as it comes.

Karma

I actually believe in karma. And it’s not revenge, it’s ‘what goes around, comes around’. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you –I think that’s the most useful thing I’ve learnt from the Bible. And quite frankly, it seems that karma is always around me, when people have done me wrong, they feel the repercussions later. When I do something wrong, it comes back to haunt me in another form. And that’s what scares me- it comes back to haunt me in another form. For example, I was guilty for making fun of someone, a little too loud. Then I completely embarrass myself in public the next day. It’s happened to me so many times I can’t even tell you the details. When one of my exes dumped me for another person (unsuccessfully though), I ended up doing the same. Is that karma’s doing? Is that karma telling me that the debt has been paid? Will I get karma-ed for that? Will my boyfriend leave me if one of his exes want him back? I won’t know. Even though I feel like I’ve been treated more unfairly than fairly, all I can hope for is that karma can sympathize with me and give me this break.