From Two to One to None.

I know these two guys- brothers- and they were my real close, good friends. Were, as you noted. No, we’re not close anymore, let alone good. We used to play together, eat together, hang out together. I used to love watching them bicker in the brotherly fashion they used, all those sassy, sarcastic and drop dead hilarious comments they threw at one another. I knew nothing, absolutely nothing, would come in between or break this bond. And the worst part was I had developed feelings for both of them. And so did they. But I loved the little brother in the sense that I felt like he was my own little brother. I loved the older brother romantically. He was my world, everything and anything I’ve wanted. He could have asked me to do groceries for him and I would have done it in a heartbeat. I was head over Hell for him. It was horrible, immature, and very, very raw. These feelings for him were unfiltered, unaltered, unmasked. People say you feel butterflies in your stomach- I felt pterodactyls. I wouldn’t even know what to say or how to act around him. When his little brother told me he had feelings for me, I faltered. I did, too, but no where near to the feelings I had for his older brother. And so, I let him go. Our friendship died overtime. He grew distant and cold. I didn’t really know who he was anymore, and that chapter in our lives ended too soon.

The older brother had pulled me within his orbit long before I realized it. There was a year where all I could think about was him- he was my first and last thought in my mind every day. Needless to say, that year in school fucking sucked. I had put in only an eighth of my studying efforts into that year. And yes, it was brutal. When I look back at it now, I want to slap myself in the face for being so stupid and blind. I knew exactly what he was going to do to me, and I knew exactly what I should have done but I did not. I let him ruin me, I let him tear me apart top to bottom. He was my most recent ex, the only man I’ve loved so hard, so long, and so purely; and I will never love anyone that purely again. None of it was worth it. I am sick of being played, wronged, and left for selfish reasons. I went from two friends to one, to none.

I had a dream last night. The three of us were lying on a bed, watching a movie. I had laid myself over the two of them- my legs over my ex, and my head propped on my hand and elbow on his brother’s lap. We were friends again. I felt so serene. I felt happy, something that hasn’t happened to me for a time now. But I woke up this morning and I returned to reality. They’re not a part of my life anymore. I don’t want them to be. I don’t want to be reminded of how I failed in keeping the two people I cherished the most. We’re not friends anymore. We are all just memories of each other.

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Secrets to Tell

Have you ever had something you wanted to tell someone but also know you should keep as a secret instead? It could be personal, it could be someone else’s secret (but not so-secret, let’s be real). And all you hope for is for someone to know your secret without actually asking you outright about it. Sometimes it happens, and sometimes it makes you feel great. Sometimes, it backfires.

So the person actually knew what was wrong with you- or at least, could tell what was wrong. And you though crap, my secret is blown- but is it? Is it actually a secret though, or should this actually be something people should know? Last night, out of the blue, my boyfriend asked if I needed to talk to him about something. And magically enough, that same day I had posted my 3am rant (see last post). He knows I have this ridiculous blog but he also said he wouldn’t actively seek it out again. Which made me wonder if he was telling the truth, not that I care if he reads or not. My rant basically explained how I felt a little left out when he was with his friends and how I just sometimes don’t know how and why I’m okay with being secondary with the things in his life. Ironically too he said he hoped I didn’t feel secondary but the fact is that I am- which he also seemed to have confirmed and yes, it’s still okay with me. It’s just when I think about it sometimes, especially at this time of year, I basically see him as much as I would during the school year when I would be back in the land of nowhere. And I also talk to him as much as I would during the school year, or as much as I would as an ordinary, unappealing friend.

I know he’s not a big talker through text. But my biggest secret I don’t want to tell him is I feel like the only time he would pay attention to me is before and during sex. And by attention I mean actually doing things a boyfriend would normally do. Once sex is over, attention drops to the unappealing friend zone.

Yeah I’m probably overthinking it and yeah I’m probably being a huge drama queen about it but whatever. If i didn’t even care about this relationship I wouldn’t even care about this. This can’t be something I can say to him, because a part of me also knows it’s not true- but my feelings are real. It’s all about feelings vs reality. And even though one may not be real, it sure feels real to me.