Have you ever had something you wanted to tell someone but also know you should keep as a secret instead? It could be personal, it could be someone else’s secret (but not so-secret, let’s be real). And all you hope for is for someone to know your secret without actually asking you outright about it. Sometimes it happens, and sometimes it makes you feel great. Sometimes, it backfires.
So the person actually knew what was wrong with you- or at least, could tell what was wrong. And you though crap, my secret is blown- but is it? Is it actually a secret though, or should this actually be something people should know? Last night, out of the blue, my boyfriend asked if I needed to talk to him about something. And magically enough, that same day I had posted my 3am rant (see last post). He knows I have this ridiculous blog but he also said he wouldn’t actively seek it out again. Which made me wonder if he was telling the truth, not that I care if he reads or not. My rant basically explained how I felt a little left out when he was with his friends and how I just sometimes don’t know how and why I’m okay with being secondary with the things in his life. Ironically too he said he hoped I didn’t feel secondary but the fact is that I am- which he also seemed to have confirmed and yes, it’s still okay with me. It’s just when I think about it sometimes, especially at this time of year, I basically see him as much as I would during the school year when I would be back in the land of nowhere. And I also talk to him as much as I would during the school year, or as much as I would as an ordinary, unappealing friend.
I know he’s not a big talker through text. But my biggest secret I don’t want to tell him is I feel like the only time he would pay attention to me is before and during sex. And by attention I mean actually doing things a boyfriend would normally do. Once sex is over, attention drops to the unappealing friend zone.
Yeah I’m probably overthinking it and yeah I’m probably being a huge drama queen about it but whatever. If i didn’t even care about this relationship I wouldn’t even care about this. This can’t be something I can say to him, because a part of me also knows it’s not true- but my feelings are real. It’s all about feelings vs reality. And even though one may not be real, it sure feels real to me.