A 3am rant

Well, I had a good day. Got to see my boyfriend and surprised by a trip downtown with his relatives and family. It was pretty cold but nonetheless pretty nice. I had a good time. He invited some of his friends over later for some games and chilling.

And well, it was like I was in the background amongst these guys which I understand I suppose; it was like a guys night basically. But I felt quite out of place especially when my boyfriend didn’t really pay any attention to me whatsoever after we went out to get some pizza since I barely ate anything for the entire day. In fact it was his little brother who talked to me more throughout the night. Meh.

And then when we were eating the pizza, there were only a few of us talking. He was telling his friends how his life consisted of work gym eat sleep and repeat. He even said which left him no time for his girlfriend. So without thinking I automatically said “I don’t know why I’m still with you”.

Honestly I don’t think I meant it but it came out sarcastically so hopefully they understood. I don’t think I meant it. Because of course, everything I have been doing was for the sake of this relationship with him. I stopped seeking attention and I stopped comparing past experiences. But even still, I feel like I’m missing out on a greater aspect of love. I know he means well and cares about me but only to the extent when it’s convenient and immediate to him. He doesn’t really think twice about me but it isn’t out of lack of interest but rather the lack of the feeling of wanting to. It’s kind of hard you know, when you’re treated just like a friend.

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