I don’t know when you’ll be reading my blog again, but today I just want to give you this message. We’re actually talking on Skype right now (ish, since you’re about to go for lunch) which makes this actually pretty funny. We just got over a ridiculous scare last night…and you’re still doubting the results lol. It’s okay though, I believe in it. But I am honestly very touched that you stayed with me and you kept reassuring me that we’re going to be okay. And that we’re in this together. And the way that you held me tight and squeezed my hand when we walked into the house. I was very scared that if I really really was pregnant, you would have no choice but to leave. It’s not a rare thing for men to be so freaked out that they leave the relationship. And I guess I’m sorry that I had those doubts. You could probably tell I was doubtful- that’s why you kept reassuring me that you were in this as much as I was. You never faltered or had second thoughts about leaving. And I’m so grateful for that.
Each day with you keeps getting better and better. Time flew by so fast. And it’s not slowing down anytime soon (least not on my side). How strange it is that we ended up being together. I really did thought that my time with you was done back then and I had to force myself to move on and forget we ever had something that could have grown into something immeasurable. I know you had your reasons, and I remember everything that happened from the time we fell out of contact in the winter to the time you came back with a fierce passion during the Amateurs the next summer but even to this day, I wasn’t sure whether it was because of me who really pulled you back, or the knowledge that I was with another man that pulled you back. Whatever the reason, I have never regretted the decision to be with you now. We had it rough in the beginning, not like other relationships where there would be nothing but ponies and rainbows, but now we’re on an upwards spiral. I remember the very first time I met you- at the Dome, and we shook hands. You had to go though, so it was a quick meeting; but I remember so clearly that feeling I had, it wasn’t just one of those ‘oh he’s cute’ feelings. You were wearing your glasses and your hair was (probably) in a messy array but you were so charming.. and I never ever met a man who was charming in my terms. There was something else- I remember our eyes met and I felt something. I know you did too.
I remember you discovering my food allergy for the first when you had thoughtfully brought me some fried rice with shrimps in it. You were so apologetic it was unbelievable; you never apologize that much! the summer passed so fast and then we fell out of contact…you were in your third year of university while I was in my last year of highschool… I also remembered when my ex from highschool-to-first year university pissed me off, you made me feel better, and even laugh through text. You were only a friend back then, a good acquaintance. I liked you, you were a sweet guy. But I never actually really liked you until we started hanging out more. On and off the course, I was never happier. I was so happy and so giddy whenever I saw you. But I thought you wouldn’t ever consider me- I was so young, still in highschool, and you were almost done your university life. I figured you would want a girl who’s closer to you in age. And then…I don’t know, shit just happened. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I wanted to be with you. I always chose you over every other man I’ve come across and I kept comparing them with you. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it’s the way you laugh, maybe it’s the way you hug me with your arms always crushing me (seriously, if you keep working them out you’d be the hulk), or maybe it’s because I couldn’t stay away from you no matter how hard I tried. There was something about you- us- that I couldn’t give up without seeing where it goes. The way you handle things, and the way you think things through, the way you joked with me and the way you kissed me. You made me happy and you made me sad, but I wouldn’t trade those feelings for anything. The way you broke my heart too that winter, a shattering feeling that was, in a way, a billion times worse than my first ever heartbreak. I would go to sleep crying and I would wake up sighing. I would have to stay signed out of MSN (good ol times) so that I don’t get the urge to message you. I would have to throw my phone, literally, onto my bed whenever I wanted to text you. You drove me crazy and I couldn’t even tell you why. I loved everything about you and the way you made me feel. I fell in love with you so hard I didn’t even have the chance to take a step back. But you were so immersed in your studies that you had no chance to develop something with me. Well, I was glad you told me beforehand. I was glad you had given me the respect of choice and given me your honest answer. I know I did not have the right to blame you, and I didn’t, and I’m not, but it was hard on me. I was mad, but I was moreso upset that I had lost you.
I have all but forgotten, but I think that’s what makes you more precious to me. You are the only second chance in my life, and I will never regret it. I will never let you slip from my grasp again, not without a fight. You’ve taught me how to be independent, how to strive for something, how to be a better person. You are my inspiration and the greatest love of my life. I’m not sure if I was born to be with you, but I am sure as hell willing to find out.