i’ve been speaking from a passive voice but not today. today i feel like ranting. i’m going to rant.
it’s been bugging me, but i hope i’m not the only one. you don’t say ‘i don’t mind’ when your boyfriend or girlfriend asks to see you. you say ‘no sorry, no time’ or ‘yes, i want to see you too’. you know what ‘i don’t mind’ translates to me as? ‘i couldn’t give less of a fuck if i see you or not. if i see you, cool, if i don’t cool.’
and it boggles me that you would NOT want to see your boyfriend/girlfriend. it boggles me that you have time to be okay with seeing me but not the incentive to see me. it boggles me that you have the time to be okay with seeing me but not wanting to see me.
do you see it? wanting to see them and not minding seeing them are VERY. DIFFERENT. THINGS.
wanting to see someone is rare. you know, people get bored of each other real fast once you hang out with them all the time. you end up asking each other ‘what do you wanna do?’ ‘i dont know, what do you wanna do?’ all the time. it becomes tedious. boring. you don’t want to see the other person because you don’t want to be in a stale atmosphere. when you want to see someone, you’re looking for stimulus. excitement. companionship. when you want to see someone, you want to talk endlessly, non-stop, because you simply just love talking to them. when you want to see someone, all your attention is spent on them. when you’re in love with someone you want to see them.
not minding seeing someone happens everyday. remember that one high school acquaintance you said you’d eat sushi with 5 years ago? you wouldn’t mind seeing them and eating sushi with them. you wouldn’t mind seeing your uncle from your mother’s side who lives on the other side of the world (who you don’t really know and who is twice removed) for a dinner with your family. you wouldn’t mind seeing your annoying neighbours to play with their extremely cute dog. now replace ‘not mind’ with ‘want’. that doesn’t happen often does it?
saying ‘i don’t mind’ when your girlfriend asks to see you is equivalent to you brushing her off. you don’t have to feel bad. honestly, i prefer if you give me a very straight to the point answer: yes or no. ‘i don’t mind’ is telling me you’re a pussy, i.e. you’re scared to tell me you don’t really want to see me without hurting my feelings. please. we’re all busy people here. you don’t have to give me some bullshit excuse to waste my time with you if you have nothing to give. the only reason why i want to see you is because i want to spend what time i have to your companionship. as in, i’m free at the moment and i would like to spend my time with you. if i didn’t have time to spare or if i prefer having my own time to myself, i wouldn’t ask in the first place. there are no feelings hurt with a ‘no’. there are very many feelings hurt when you say ‘i don’t mind’. because to me, that’s saying i can’t handle being rejected but at the same time you don’t really feel like spending your time on me but you HAVE to because you feel OBLIGATED to do so, as your ROLE as a BOYFRIEND. ffs, we’re not fucking children here. i am sick and tired of going around in circles and nothing is sexier to me than a guy who is straight up and honest and blunt. i am emotional but i absorb constructive criticism like sun rays. i may feel shitty but what else did you expect me to feel, GREAT that you don’t WANT to see me? of course not. but i will understand it, and i will not have to rant to strangers on the internet.
one day, if we ever get to that point, and you ask me ‘do you want to marry me?’, i think i will be very tempted to say ‘i don’t mind.’