how did I end u…

how did I end up hurting you?

you are nice, you are kind, and you are generous. you never have the intention to hurt anyone’s feelings and everything you do (or have done) is appropriate. you are not a cruel person. people usually like you.

but you’re watching them cry and there is this deep sadness in you, almost helplessness. you want them to stop, because you have no idea what to do. what did you say? what did you do? what do you say and what do you do now?

these things happen. you know, it just happens. and when it happens it’s almost surreal, like you’re not even in reality at the moment. you’re lost in your bubble of air and muffled sobs while your mind freezes, like a slow computer. you’re looking at them crying, hands extended (how did they get there?) in an attempt to stop them from crying their grey matter and axons out.

people always underestimate break-ups. especially those who have never gone through one before (bless your soul that you don’t when you’re older), who think it’s simple- let go and move on, a break up is a break up. i can look at a couple and say ‘nope, they’re breaking up’. but that’s my own superficial belief. what do i know about them? what do i know about their history, their connections, their memories? what do i know about their problems, how bad they are, or even how good their make ups are? i don’t know.

i have had my fair share of being hurt and hurting. i had this belief, this, moral, that i will never hurt someone. that i will always be the one to take the blame and be the victim. don’t ask me why, maybe i’m secretly a masochist. and each and every time that i got the blunt end of the stick, i grew less and less tolerant. i started to zone out, i even started to build immunity to it. i have always believed in loving to the fullest, but how was i supposed to when others don’t believe in the same thing? i became skeptical, and even a hypocrite. when my friends ask me on the occasion for advice, i give them what is the most honourable choice and decision. but i knew not even i followed my own advice, as much as i wish i could. not meaning to sound super dramatic or cheesy, but walls do get built, and it’s very, very hard to break down after.

maybe that’s why i ended up hurting instead of being hurt, after some time. my heart (and brain) finally decided together that it was time to do the parting, instead of waiting it out for the other party to do it first. i thought it was bad, getting the ‘dumped’ part but i have found doing the dump-ING was actually, in a way, a lot worse. Guilt rides you like bacteria- it never goes away no matter how many times you temporarily wash it away, it will always somehow (goddamn those bacteria) get back on you.

hurting someone doesn’t have to be purposely; in fact, everyone would agree they’re usually inadvertently. nobody wants to be a douche (unless you’re naturally one, then i can’t really say anything), and nobody wants to be hated. but when it comes down to it, things have to be done, whether in a good way or bad. fight for what you believe in. fight for yourself first, fight for what you know is best for you; they’ll understand. if they don’t, just remember this phrase, a wise young man once told me: “screw what others think and go with your heart.”

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