Parallel Futures.

I was at a bubbletea place the other night with my boyfriend. We were chatting after a long day at a golf tournament together and we were just sitting and enjoying ourselves, as we never really do this often. So we’re talking and talking until he randomly came up with plans for this Christmas. He asked if I would like to come with him this Christmas and of course, being a masochist I said no because I had no money even though that’s all I could ever ask for. Then he started to try to make me feel better by explaining how trips aren’t actually that expensive especially for all inclusives and yadda yadda. Then he says “You’ll have lots of chances in the future.”

There is nothing wrong with the sentence. And it was very reassuring coming from him, and of course it made me happy- for a bit. I am not a picky person and especially not when it comes to what people meant. But somehow, I couldn’t get over the fact that he said I will, and not “we will”. It’s not a big thing. Seriously. I even feel ridiculous writing about this. But it bugs me. And kinda makes me sad.

Whenever we talk about the future, we always put the two of our futures separately. We never include each other in our personal future- we never say “We will go somewhere” or “Our place would be nice” or anything of that sort. It would be “I will be going” or “My house would have a personal gym”. And this is exactly what I signed up for. I’m not complaining, no, really, not at all, I’m kinda just saying it and putting my feelings out there instead of bottling it up waiting for it to explode at a very wrong moment. I just feel like my relationship is so business-like and very very independent. Independence is great but…it could also be a little overdone. I mean, if you keep saying it so that your future just has you and you alone, why are you in a relationship? How would the other person feel? In my opinion, it makes me feel shitty but I always brush it off. I’ve gotten used to brushing it off. And now I’m starting to get feminine doubts about what I’m really doing and who I’m doing it for aside from myself.

I’m sure he doesn’t actually mean it to sound so cut off. But who has time to decipher words and what they actually mean all the time? I’m probably being extremely emotional and stupid right now but it honestly feels like we’re living our lives in parallel, not together. We are doing things for our own future, not for our future. My parents would always mention my future with him and how I need to get my shit together if we want a solid future together. I don’t even bother.

I know I think like a guy and my boyfriend knows I think like a guy. He loves that I understand him. But sometimes, it doesn’t hurt to make me feel like a girl outside of sex, right?

If he is your boyfriend he has a responsibility.

So my parents believe. They’re your typical Asians while my boyfriend is more well, whitewashed. And there is nothing, and I mean nothing, more infuriating than listening to these words.

My boyfriend does not have a responsibility to drive me all the time. He does not have the responsibility to spoil me with money he doesn’t have. He does not have the responsibility of dating my parents. And most of all he does not have the responsibility of making me feel like a god damn fucking princess.

He does have the responsibility of making me happy. He does have the responsibility of making me feel comfortable and loved. He has the responsibility of making me trust him and putting his heart out on the table for this relationship. And he has done just all that.

To all of you that may be suffering this same moral clash I want to let you know that the only thing that matters is the two of you. Your parents are your guides. Not your significant other. They have taught you all the things that is important and you have to choose what you want to listen to and what you believe is right. They cannot force you down the same road that may have worked for them. Because this is your life and your life alone. Your choices are your own and nobody had a right to tell you otherwise what responsibilities you owe.

We’re just friends, goddamn it.

How do we define friends?

I have a friend. I am a female and he is a male. We haven’t been friends for too too long, only a couple months. But conversation came easy- we joked and laughed and made fun of each other without hard feelings. It was a good friendship. There was no physicality in this friendship- no touching, no physical flirting. But still, people believed something was happening between us- and I have a boyfriend.

How do we define friendliness? How does being nice to somebody equate to you having feelings for them? How do people jump to the conclusion about two people who are really, simply, just friends? Can two members of the opposite sex not be friends? Is sexual attraction so strong in the human nature that friendship is nothing more than our innate sense of reproduction ??

Friendship happens when two people care for the others company. If there was nothing in common or nothing you like about that person enough for you to hang out with, friendship would not exist. This happens for any combination of the sexes. Humans cannot live long alone. They need company. And a person who is just like you is good company because you can be yourself with them, and they are comfortable to be around. It’s like hanging out with yourself only, an actual conversation can happen. It does not mean you have to have any romantic feelings for them. Sure it is a great teaser, let’s be serious.. But in all honesty, it shouldn’t be something to joke about. Feelings change- maybe what was once a good friendship can be destroyed by rumors.

Friendship COULD lead to relationship but it is not inevitable. We may laugh and have a great time but at the end of the day our hearts know who we will be with and who we want to be with.

Don’t let other people ruin your friendships. They are a beautiful thing and friends are what keeps us strong when there is a need for a hug, a laugh, or celebration for the good times.

the seven deadly sins in a relationship

Gluttony: the urge to keep chewing off more than you can swallow. The urge to ask for more when it was more than enough. The urge to push their limits in order to go past satisfied. You want their lives. You’re eating their lives, their personal space, their own time to work on themselves.

Lust: you crave their touch and how they make you feel so damn good. The way their fingers trace you and how soft or hard their kisses are. You want the feeling of letting yourself go completely and to feel that orgasmic sense of relief and goodness that you can’t feel anywhere else in your life. You want it dirty because everything else in your life is so organized and restrained- lust is your way out. And sometimes it is not even personal. Just an outlet.

Pride: they work at a prestigious workplace. You don’t. And it hurts you, to think that without an equally prestigious job, you have no chance in making this relationship work. Afterall, who would want to be with someone who isn’t even up to your standards? You know they take pride. You just can’t match it. You bury yourself with thoughts of an imminent societal conflict. And if there really is no way out.. It’s their pride and joy.

Envy: they have pictures of their exes but not with you. Their best friends are of the opposite sex. They have an easy going family who adapted to society. Their dog. Their happiness. Their success, and you in the dust forever wanting to catch up. But with a continent distance between you two.

Wrath: they broke your heart. They insulted you. They won the argument. They made references to their exes. They chose something else over you. And it gets trapped right beneath your ribcage, that hard thumping monster that wants to claw it’s way out of your heart. Anger and jealousy and extreme masochistic thoughts. And you let it out physically or let it in mentally.

Sloth: knowing they want you to drop the habit and pick up the other. But there is no other motivation. Knowing it is the better thing to do but it breaks your tradition and frankly, your routine. But it always gets postponed and it always hangs in the background forever on snooze.

Greed: You want them to give you even more, go beyond what is already amazing- just to see if there is anything more to collect. A little bit more love can’t hurt.

Some Days

When the rain falls, and there’s actually, literally, nothing to do. When nothing in the world seems to go right for you and everything impossibly ridiculous gets thrown in your face, when so much hatred builds up in your heart and gets bottled up inside you with nowhere to go. Some days it gets like this. When you realize that other people have the kind of happiness you want, and that you’ll never get that happiness. When you need comfort and all you do is put on your best IDGAF face and carry on. Nobody knows. You don’t particularly want anyone to know. You just feel like shit. You get shit you don’t even deserve. Somehow, buying $5 casual sunglasses turns into a lecture of how they’re a waste of money because they don’t protect your eyes. How spending money on a 3 day vacation turns into a lecture on saving money instead of spending it when you grow up otherwise you’ll become a fucking hobo. How wanting to get away from this hellhole turns into silence when you realize the moment you ask to get away, the answer is no anyways.

Some days are just like this. And today’s just one of those days.

I Didn’t Know Who He Was Anymore

So halfway watching this movie, a quote comes up:

“I was engaged once…but it ended shortly. I didn’t know who he was anymore.”

Something along those lines. But it got to me, and it really made me think..and as I continued watching it, I saw the consequences of a couple getting engaged… the horrors. Not saying that I’ll never get engaged– it just made me think. The person you thought you knew before you are going to live your life with forever…just really isn’t the person you love.

And it’s scary when you think about it. It’s like investing yourself with a split personality. Why? And more importantly, why can’t we know what a person is like before getting engaged? Why is there always secrets being hidden, different sides of their anger we never knew existed, a completely horrifying person beneath the facade of the one we love? And it doesn’t even have to be a big thing..something as subtle as a racist comment, or even passively revealing their controlling, authoritative behaviour on you. Maybe they’re actually possessive. Maybe they’re actually sadistic. Maybe they’re actually a mama’s boy. And it sucks, when you slowly realize that the person you promised to share your life with doesn’t exist anymore. They’ve become a whole different stranger the moment that ring gets on your finger. But why?

I feel like the #1 thing couples should do to prevent this two-faced horror is to never. ever. lie. to one another. Not even about something that’s bothering you. Always tell them what is bothering you. Even if it is something trivial, like putting your favourite mug in another spot. Tell one another your thoughts. Share your secrets. Because to love is to trust, and without trust and without taking that leap of faith, there is no love.

 

On Breaking Promises

Everyone’s guilty of it. Everyone’s done it: breaking a promise. They may be extremely important, or extremely trivial. It irks everyone; you guys made plans and you get all excited about it and then — they flop. It’s simply disappointing, frustrating and most of all, annoying. Some promises aren’t meant to be broken, and those are the ones that you really need to think about before saying “I promise”. But, there are promises that had no choice but to be broken..And you can’t really blame people for sometimes breaking promises, I mean, life happens, and things may happen suddenly without warning. You can’t get mad over those.

So, what are some promises that shouldn’t be broken?

1. Dates.

I want to believe that dates mean something. Means two people are giving a chance at love with one another by getting to know one another, and to spend some time investing in that. I don’t believe that flopping on a pre-set date you both agreed on deserves a second chance- of course, unless a family member is in critical condition or something, or you suddenly got a stomach flu (still a shady response). Some of you probably don’t see dates as super important and that’s totally fine. The reason why they shouldn’t be broken is because it simply says : I’m not interested in you enough to do anything to see you.

2. Relationships.

You know what this means: effort. If you’re serious about the person, and you’re serious about the relationship, then put effort into it. Effort automatically equates to you really putting yourself out there to love and be loved and honestly, there’s a lot of respect for a person who puts effort in. You know they care about things that matter to them. You know that you matter to them. And if you want a serious relationship without putting in effort, you’ve already broken that promise of the relationship. It’ll go nowhere.

3. Your Engagement.

Pretty self explanatory, no? I mean, you gave the girl your heart. You invested in her. He loves you. And by saying yes, you’re invested in him too. Don’t suddenly start freaking out about how you now realize that maybe he isn’t who he really is. You had the entire time you were dating him to figure it out. If he’s not the one but still proposes, don’t say yes out of guilt. Because the guilt of breaking off the engagement is, probably, a lot worse. And if you’re the one that proposed, don’t you think it’d be a slap in your own face if you suddenly realize that after promising this lovely girl your life with her, you actually didn’t really wanna? This isn’t changing your clothes- this is changing your heart. Which proves to show, superficiality is never as important as what lies underneath.

4. Your marriage.

And the epilogue to the engagement, of course, is the exchange of vows. You vowed to someone you love for heaven’s sake. If you really loved them, nothing should change, even if fights happen. Children may happen, and old age may start to happen too- but you guys fell in love for a reason. You guys mutually agreed to live your lives together, through thick and thin (I hope)- but when the going really gets tough, you chicken out? As long as there’s life in you, fight for it. Fight for what you know you guys have. If you guys can’t even keep the promise of being together for as long as you’re able to, why promise it in the first place? Promises are your responsibilities. If you can’t handle all aspects of your responsibilities, don’t promise anything, especially on love.

5. Secrets.

People confided in you for a reason- they trust you. And when they ask you to not tell anyone (because really, we all need to tell someone), try not to. Gossip is juicy- but if you want to be a trustworthy person, you have to be able to keep a secret. Especially if it does not involve you personally. Some people may be horrible at keeping secrets- and if you’re one of them, just tell your friend that it’s probably not a good idea if they absolutely insist you cannot tell anyone. Don’t put yourself on the spot in the future- disclaim yourself if you know you burst out spontaneously. Be responsible. Your friend would probably respect that than having their trust in you broken.

 

What’s the difference between these promises and all the other ones that if broken, wouldn’t be as much as a cause for alarm?

You.

 

 

 

Well, It Can’t Get Any Worse, Right?

I made a phone call to my student advisor asking whether I needed this last credit for my co-op job. I don’t. So technically, I don’t have to work this last week (ie. next week) at work. Long story short, coop students would accumulate overtime hours that can cover for this last week of work. Well, unfortunately, due to being a part of the golf varsity team, I had to miss a week of work earlier in June for Nationals. My overtime hours accumulated by then, covered for that. Thus, I would be the only one at work next week, with a couple admin people. I don’t need to work it. I have all my credits. I don’t even get paid for this week. But no. It’s apparently going to affect my transcript, saying something along the lines of “this student has horrible ethics” if I don’t work the week. So, of course, I will stay the week to work it. Alone. Cleaning out shit from unused areas in our department, like what a co-op student does best.

What’s even better is that my parents admonished me for even bringing up the fact that my friend asked me to go on a trip with her. They stared at me like I had a mental problem- and after a couple scruffs became harsh scorning- sneering and copying with much contempt, my question of whether I was allowed to go. She asked why she wasn’t allowed to go, my mother mocked, and gave several scoffs to go with her mockery. Where does she think money comes from, trees?

Seriously. A simple ‘no’ would have sufficed thank you. Guess they like it over the top. I was just asking. But I guess I won’t ask anymore.

Then my boyfriend just texted me with great hope that I could come with him for the long weekend. My fam’s heading down to Niagara, he said, and they’d love it if you could join us. I had stared blankly into the phone, already knowing that even though I wanted nothing more than to say yes, I’d love to accompany you guys, I had to force my fingers to say Sorry. I don’t think I can afford missing out Monday at work. Have fun!

 

Yeeeah. I don’t know. I feel kinda shitty.

What is Family

They yelled, screamed, judged, and most of pressured me into being the perfect daughter. Why don’t you understand this, yelled my father, who was teaching me mathematics since I was in junior high. How many times do I need to repeat myself, he yelled again, frustrated, while I shrank back in my seat, digging my nails into my palms and yelling at myself why I didn’t I understand. I just didn’t. I couldn’t- not with his menacing frown and the slicing words that shredded any confidence I had in me. I was pretty much useless in their eyes, a waste of space. I would never be right. I would always be in the wrong. I would never know when to do things myself, how to do things myself, and be able to survive alone, they believed. I was useless. Not like their son, on his way to making partner at Deloitte who recently bought his own car with his own money and has already seen half the world with an equally successful long term girlfriend. I am the failure, I am useless. They hold no confidence in me, yet judge me whenever I show I have no confidence. Have more confidence in yourself they say. And yet, all this time, all they’ve been doing was stomping it out, destroying it, while pretentiously encouraging me that I should have more in the first place. How messed up is that? I hate being weak. I wanted to prove them wrong. But they’ll never give me the chance to. Each fight I have with them only puts me in more shit. Why do I bother anymore? I want to get out of the house. But how could I? If I could just keep running forever, I would. I want to run away from all of this and just be left alone. I have faced it. And there’s no stopping them- no matter how hard I’ve tried for the past 16 years.

At the end of the fight, my father said: I think you have a grudge on us.

And for a moment of silence, I took those words in. Maybe he was right. Maybe I did. I remember I had written quite an angry post when I was little- oh very, very little if you were wondering- and it’s right here actually, in my hands.

I will prove you wrong.

I had written that many many times over on the page- guess I was adamant about it. Maybe that’s why I give such snarky retorts that make them angry. And it actually gives me a little bit of comfort to see them angry. Because they can feel what I feel. But at the same time, they get to show it while I get to hide it.

So it makes me wonder. What the hell is family.