Undergrad, Then…What?

This post will not be like the others. This post is for all the students out there, who are bright, intelligent, but have absolutely no idea what their calling is.

I’m feeling it. The pressure of a full-time position once my university life is over in almost exactly a year. Masters? No money. I probably don’t have the patience or grades for it. If there’s one thing I know for sure, however, it is that I do not want to do a Masters. I have already done more than enough placements at physiotherapy clinics to know I do not want to work in a clinical setting for the rest of my life. Not that I had no interest- I actually loved working with the patients, and I loved learning all the hands-on aspects of the job. I gained vast knowledge on soft tissue work. But that is the problem, you see. I am a hands-on learner, a visual learner. Which is why studying with my nose buried in textbooks is probably the worst way to study and learn. I am incredibly stubborn and extremely picky when it comes to interest. I am a fighter for the things I love, and I don’t even give a second thought to the things I don’t. Which makes me very, very, prone to underestimation. One of my other weaknesses– actually, my greatest– is my humbleness. I am too humble. Over the top, so much that I tend to undermine myself to potential employers. WHY for the love of god do I always do that??

I am also extremely shy and not confident in my own abilities. It’s such a shame. My parents even lecture me on my confidence. What is there to be meek about? I don’t know. My grades have never been that of an academic, but that doesn’t mean I have nothing up here. All it takes is one conversation with me to know. But that will never happen without the grades. Oh what a paradox.

If you, a student, can relate to what I’m feeling right now then let me tell you right now to stop whatever you’re doing and do the things you NEED to do right now. FIGURE out your goal. What do you want to do? There has to be something you would love to do for your job, something that you would love to do while earning a living. If you ask me, that would be 3 things: my love for the human body, athletics, and graphic design. The next question is, where the fuck do I find a job that would emphasize these elements?

The answer is, there is no 1 job that can accommodate all of these elements. They are all seperate. And unfortunately, it will take time and effort to find jobs. The question is whether you are willing to start that step, or let all your chances slither away into an abyss called laziness. My hobby is actually graphic design- I have had absolutely 0 formal training in it, and it was all taught via laptop and mouse. With persistent effort and hours and hours of concentration, I have been able to teach myself extreme basics of vector art. But my hobby is also an area with billions of job opportunities. So why sit here and let that slide too?

Off to figure out vector mask painting.

The #1 Thing Not To Do As A Girl:

I’ve touched on the subject of hypocrisy a couple times on my blog already. Me being one- I wouldn’t take my own advice for certain situations even though I know I should have. But recently I’ve been seeing (and experiencing) some of it from my parents, and it’s just not sitting well with me.

Remember how I was ranting earlier about how my mother expects my boyfriend to treat me like a crippled blind old woman who needs help to pay rent? Just the other day we were talking about one of my good friends who recently broke up. I told my mother the girl wasn’t a good fit for him anyways, and I was very glad he got out of it. She asked, “What was she like?” and I answered, “You know, the typical princessy type girls. She expected him to pay for everything, drive her everywhere, and wanted him to spoil her.” My mom immediately gave her look of disapproval. “Pft!” she said. “How can she do that? I mean, Patrick is still a student she can’t expect him to do so.”

Oho! What does that mean? Does she secretly agree with the girl? So what if Patrick wasn’t a student anymore? Would she have agreed? I will never know. But from the sounds of it, my mother was definitely implicating my relationship. Yes my boyfriend is working full time and no, he does not pay for me all the time. Yes my mother expects him to. No, I still cannot stop my skin from crawling from that disgusting thought.

You know, girls get the good stuff in the relationship. They get to be pampered, and treated like, well, princesses, if they’re lucky. It has occurred to me that we never treat our guys like princes. We don’t make their meals (assuming we’re not MARRIED, so hell, they can buy it or have their moms make it right?), we don’t treat them to nice dinners (that’s THEIR job), and we get to call the shots because if we don’t get our way, all we need to do is throw a tantrum or cry, and we got them wrapped around our little finger– I mean, uh..

So what the hell? It’s no wonder so many girls get dumped (and boys, for the matter that they’re just simply not as chivalrous as Ser Jorah /cue eyeroll) it’s because the definition of a girl IS a bitch. A girl is not a woman. A bitch is not a real woman (yet). And my point here today is to plead all you wonderful girls (and some stray women) out there: please just don’t be demanding. don’t, for the love of god, think that you deserve to be treated to every expensive dinner in the world by your knight in shining armour. if you’ve ever wondered why none of your relationships end in a happy ending, it’s probably because you expect too much without giving in return. I mean, if you were to date yourself- and you have a habit of having these expectations- wouldn’t you say you’d be tired too? It is absolutely necessary to have standards yes- but they cannot be standards that are only leaning towards your favour. If you are unable, or unwilling to return your standards to your man, then you know you have made them too high. In this unfair world, it’s an eye for an eye. The boys and men of our generation are becoming wary of girls and women like this. So if you have a heart, think about your man: because if he’s really someone you love, you would do anything to make their life more enjoyable and easier with you while facing the world and its problems together.

The Problem with Today’s Relationships.

Before I start my rant again, take a look at this video. It will explain everything I’m about to say.

There is nothing I hate more than having my parents interfere with my relationships.

It would be enough to warn me that our spendings was a little on the high side- we immediately agreed to cut back and watch what we spend. But that wasn’t the problem with my parents. Their problem was the fact that I had statements on my bill. The fact that I had statements on my bill means my boyfriend wasn’t paying for me. Their problem was the fact that they believed I was the one paying for everything.

What. the. fuck.

When I told them that we split it, and that I only use my card since I didn’t have cash on me, two things happened. #1, they didn’t believe he paid me back. #2 they expected him to pay if I didn’t have cash.

It’s like my parents wanted me to be a typical princessy bitch who demands everything out of her boyfriend and expects him to treat her to EVERYTHING. Their argument was that, if he truly loved me, he would pay for me. SERIOUSLY? they act like they’re fucking 10 years old. My mother’s a little queen- she loves it when people surround her with gifts and praise. Maybe that’s why she expects me to like too and that it is the RIGHT way to treat a girl. Well, I really, couldn’t give less of a fuck about that kind of stuff. I personally HATE being treated like a princess. If my boyfriend treats me occasionally, that feels a lot more sincere than treating me every time. Yes he’s making money, but that definitely doesn’t mean that he should pay all the time. Am I wrong?? Someone tell me I’m actually crazy and that my parents are right.

I get that when a person is HEAD OVER HEELS for you, they would do anything for you- impress you, PAY FOR YOU, shower you in GIFTS and all that shit; yeah, all that happens when you’re chasing the other person blindly. My parents said my boyfriend didn’t even need to try to get me. He didn’t have to put any effort. In what way are they allowed to make that assumption? What do they know about us? What do they even know about HIM? If the little things that count mean being able to see that he pays for me all the time, then I will say he has never done the little things. He has paid for me on special occasions. And that’s all I could ask for. But if you mean the little things such as making me happy only in the way he knows how, listening to me whenever I needed him to, making me a better person through everything I do, then I will bet you anything he trumps all of you in doing all the little things.

My parents are old fashioned. I cannot get too mad about it- but at the same time, it’s terribly infuriating. Being their ‘little girl’ I guess I can understand why they would want a man to do everything for me- they wouldn’t want the man to take advantage of me and whatever silly stupid ideas they get in their heads. They want to see physical proof he loves me; apparently my happiness isn’t enough. I overheard my parents talking about this when I was upstairs in my room. My mother was saying something along the lines of “if you really really really cared about someone, wouldn’t you want to pay for them?”

Let’s just think about that sentence for a mo– nope, the moment’s done. That is the most ridiculous and absurd thing I’ve ever heard in my life.

This is the problem of today’s relationships:

the men are expected to treat their women like spoiled brats and not as equal, independent individuals .

 

Women are sneaky. We say something but totally mean the other, just to test whether the man understood us or not and to see whether they could read our minds because they should know we’re actually paradoxical monsters. Just HOW dumb is that. How many girls do you see or know who beg for their boyfriend’s attention, money, and even their love? Probably one too many. If a girl can’t stand on her own, she’s useless. Absolutely useless. She’s not going anywhere in the world without a man and it is a BAD. TREND. It doesn’t matter whether you’re loaded or not. If you don’t have a head, you might as well not live. A waste of space. If I sound too harsh, too bad, because I refuse to take anything I said back. I believe my relationship is as solid as it could be given the timeframe I’ve had with my boyfriend. And I will not take it any other way.

And if you guys haven’t watched the video I linked yet, here it is:

If you feel like you’re in a relationship like this, or victim to this, change it. And if the change is not possible, leave it. Your future self will thank you.

Dear Stephen,

I don’t know when you’ll be reading my blog again, but today I just want to give you this message. We’re actually talking on Skype right now (ish, since you’re about to go for lunch) which makes this actually pretty funny. We just got over a ridiculous scare last night…and you’re still doubting the results lol. It’s okay though, I believe in it. But I am honestly very touched that you stayed with me and you kept reassuring me that we’re going to be okay. And that we’re in this together. And the way that you held me tight and squeezed my hand when we walked into the house. I was very scared that if I really really was pregnant, you would have no choice but to leave. It’s not a rare thing for men to be so freaked out that they leave the relationship. And I guess I’m sorry that I had those doubts. You could probably tell I was doubtful- that’s why you kept reassuring me that you were in this as much as I was. You never faltered or had second thoughts about leaving. And I’m so grateful for that.

Each day with you keeps getting better and better. Time flew by so fast. And it’s not slowing down anytime soon (least not on my side). How strange it is that we ended up being together. I really did thought that my time with you was done back then and I had to force myself to move on and forget we ever had something that could have grown into something immeasurable. I know you had your reasons, and I remember everything that happened from the time we fell out of contact in the winter to the time you came back with a fierce passion during the Amateurs the next summer but even to this day, I wasn’t sure whether it was because of me who really pulled you back, or the knowledge that I was with another man that pulled you back. Whatever the reason, I have never regretted the decision to be with you now. We had it rough in the beginning, not like other relationships where there would be nothing but ponies and rainbows, but now we’re on an upwards spiral. I remember the very first time I met you- at the Dome, and we shook hands. You had to go though, so it was a quick meeting; but I remember so clearly that feeling I had, it wasn’t just one of those ‘oh he’s cute’ feelings. You were wearing your glasses and your hair was (probably) in a messy array but you were so charming.. and I never ever met a man who was charming in my terms. There was something else- I remember our eyes met and I felt something. I know you did too.

I remember you discovering my food allergy for the first when you had thoughtfully brought me some fried rice with shrimps in it. You were so apologetic it was unbelievable; you never apologize that much! the summer passed so fast and then we fell out of contact…you were in your third year of university while I was in my last year of highschool… I also remembered when my ex from highschool-to-first year university pissed me off, you made me feel better, and even laugh through text. You were only a friend back then, a good acquaintance. I liked you, you were a sweet guy. But I never actually really liked you until we started hanging out more. On and off the course, I was never happier. I was so happy and so giddy whenever I saw you. But I thought you wouldn’t ever consider me- I was so young, still in highschool, and you were almost done your university life. I figured you would want a girl who’s closer to you in age. And then…I don’t know, shit just happened. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I wanted to be with you. I always chose you over every other man I’ve come across and I kept comparing them with you. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it’s the way you laugh, maybe it’s the way you hug me with your arms always crushing me (seriously, if you keep working them out you’d be the hulk), or maybe it’s because I couldn’t stay away from you no matter how hard I tried. There was something about you- us- that I couldn’t give up without seeing where it goes. The way you handle things, and the way you think things through, the way you joked with me and the way you kissed me. You made me happy and you made me sad, but I wouldn’t trade those feelings for anything. The way you broke my heart too that winter, a shattering feeling that was, in a way, a billion times worse than my first ever heartbreak. I would go to sleep crying and I would wake up sighing. I would have to stay signed out of MSN (good ol times) so that I don’t get the urge to message you. I would have to throw my phone, literally, onto my bed whenever I wanted to text you. You drove me crazy and I couldn’t even tell you why. I loved everything about you and the way you made me feel. I fell in love with you so hard I didn’t even have the chance to take a step back. But you were so immersed in your studies that you had no chance to develop something with me. Well, I was glad you told me beforehand. I was glad you had given me the respect of choice and given me your honest answer. I know I did not have the right to blame you, and I didn’t, and I’m not, but it was hard on me. I was mad, but I was moreso upset that I had lost you.

I have all but forgotten, but I think that’s what makes you more precious to me. You are the only second chance in my life, and I will never regret it. I will never let you slip from my grasp again, not without a fight. You’ve taught me how to be independent, how to strive for something, how to be a better person. You are my inspiration and the greatest love of my life. I’m not sure if I was born to be with you, but I am sure as hell willing to find out.

Why Is He Over Me? (So Fast..)

This is kind of embarrassing but I actually have weekly newsletters sent to my email from a relationship site that I signed up for couple years ago. I still haven’t unsubscribed and I still get their emails. It’s funny because I still read them; and I totally get what they’re saying. Their most recent one was about why it seems that men get over their failed relationships faster than women and I figured, why not share their wisdom?:

#1: Women are more emotional, men are more practical. Women feel , men think. Women prefer to judge their relationship with their hearts and how happy they feel in the relationship, whether being showered with attention or gifts, while men prefer taking each thing into consideration and seeing how they fit together. Which leads to the second point,

#2: It felt wrong vs. a solid reason. If the guy sees a solid reason why the relationship won’t work, that’s pretty much it. There is no point in trying to fix it because frankly, you can’t fix it. It’s like seeing a big hole in the basement of your 4 storey house- while the beautiful house itself is still functional, some day, sooner or later with time, it will fall, and when it falls, you get crushed with it. This is saying it’s hard to change a person. And everyone knows that. So what about the woman’s feelings, doesn’t she get a say? Well of course- but we women see things with our hearts if that made any sense. Our feelings flip flop- one day we’re confident something won’t happen, the next minute we’re crapping ourselves. That’s why it’s harder for us to get over someone- we keep going back to the ‘other side’ of our feelings and we question ourselves whereas the man takes it and leaves it.

#3: Talking as a solution vs. an actual solution. Just like the email said, talking for women IS the solution. We don’t actually need a tangible solution because “talking itself is therapeutic”. Men on the other hand, wants to see something happen, wants to see something done. He needs an actual solution which leaves him with only 2 options: yes or no.

#4: Communication styles. We’ve all heard this one before; women’s thoughts are dispersed in a very intricate web-like structure while men are…just left, right, up, or down. Men take things at face value generally speaking- and women love to overthink things, generally speaking. So when this happens…we get push and pulls every which way. He’s over you because that’s the way he’s wired to be: it’s either this way, or the other way. Women on the other hand are like: I know I ended it this way but what if it was supposed to be the other way? It becomes tedious, stressful and bluntly, annoying, when you confront an ex, who’s a male, like this.

 

If you’re suffering from this right now, just don’t take it personally. Everyone wants to protect their own interests; and it doesn’t mean that your man (or lady) didn’t care about you, nor loved you, it just means that they accepted that this is what it is and it is time to move on to find happiness for themselves. Doesn’t everyone deserve that? Things come to an end sometimes, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t real. Every experience you ever had was something to take into consideration and to heart; because these experience make you who you are today.

 

The Pretentious Advisor

I admit it- I’m definitely not as confident as I should be. You know how people say ‘You should take your own advice’? I really should. I keep telling people, friends and/or strangers, my thoughts on life and dreadful relationship problems. Some like them, some don’t. But for everything that I believe in, sometimes I really don’t take them myself.

Sex, for example.

Everybody has been taught that sex shouldn’t happen until you’re married or whatever. But everyone knows (or at least, a lot of people know) that many kids start to have sex at at VERY young age. Why don’t we ever listen? Because we will never believe another’s words until we have personally suffered from that same experience. We are idiots like that. But that is also the best way we will learn, and once we have learned that lesson the hard way, we suddenly start preaching it exactly like how our parents preached to us about it.

There are some things I am very confident about. Most of these things however, are hard to teach on paper. They are physical skills which makes it even harder. And I am never one to be pretentious when it comes to things I truly do not know. Computer science, for example, I have no clue. Human anatomy on the other hand? I know it pretty decently (I sure hope so. My bachelor’s counting on it).

But I am both confident and a hypocrite when it comes to subjective things and ideas such as relationships. Which is ironic, because I give advice that sometimes I don’t even follow.

Ah well. Everyone’s like that, right?

Lives to Remember.

Daily Prompt: 3 Lives, 3 Memories.

Moment #1: It was Christmas day. It was snowing lightly outside but everything was covered in a fresh blanket of snow. It was dark out. We had stopped watching the show and instead, held each other in our arms for the first time. We pressed our foreheads together, gently, feeling both our heartbeats in our ears. Our breaths were as ragged as the other, and in a tight embrace, we experienced our very first kiss. We loved each other; but the love didn’t last. He fell, and drew away. He changed, and he left.

Moment #2: It was 2 a.m. in the morning, and I had passed out on his bed, already asleep. I heard the lights turn off. Suddenly I felt him reaching for me, and I awoke to his searching hands, which had begun to crawl beneath my shirt. I pulled away, tired, and unwilling to wake up so early in the morning. But he persisted; not angrily, just persistent. I sighed. I gave up. I returned his yearning kisses with unequal yearning kisses. It didn’t stop him. I laid there, tired, drained, but helped him finish. Once done, he rolled beside me, and instantly fell asleep. I stared at the ceiling, wide awake now, and began to cry.

Moment #3: He held his arms around himself, and I could feel his heart breaking. I could feel his pain and it hurt me. He curled, his hands clenching to the sheets, and began to cry, muffled by them. I watched, unable to move, unable to speak as I saw myself at that same moment. A mirror image. I held out my hand and he took it, held it to his heart and cried It’s breaking. I took it back and sat in silence as I watched myself kill him. 

My 3 lives were my 3 past relationships- where i’ve been hurt, i’ve been used, and i’ve hurt. These are important memories to me as they are the result of experiences. They made me and broke me, but it’s time to realize that this is my only life left. I have no more time for the lives where hurting the other is an inevitable fate.

A look at your own blog: Who do you want to read it?

You know how my blog is all about the shits and stuff in a relationship. It’s very personal, but instead of just bottling in, I write it out on an anonymous blog for your poor eyes to read (sorry). Well.. remember how I said honesty was important to a lasting relationship just yesterday? I finally took my own advice when my boyfriend found out I had a blog. When I told him I got another follower, he grew extremely curious (which I don’t blame); and just last night I let him read my posts.

Now I feel quite horrible. I know I blew up on him a couple times on my blog because of a few silly arguments/talks we had in the past but I never meant to personally attack him..that wasn’t the point. That’s not the point of my blog. I hate talking about my feelings in person sometimes, especially when it gets to a level where I want to keep it to myself, which is why I have this as an ‘outlet’. Some of you probably share the same feels. But last night made me think about a few things.

I didn’t have anything to hide from my boyfriend, I didn’t feel like it was anything drastic…so I showed it to him. But I immediately regretted it when he started feeling bad and apologizing to me. That’s not what I wanted, that’s not what I intended for him to do. The posts were my real feelings at the moment, and they were very angry, sometimes irrational posts. Of course, to the rest of you, it’s like listening to a stranger’s problems; you don’t mind whether you read the post or not, and you don’t feel attacked because it’s not directed at you. The point of this, is to ask: can your posts be read by anyone and everyone? Is there someone who you wouldn’t want to read it? If that’s the case, take a look at your blog. What/who is it directed towards? Are there posts that may potentially be insulting or inappropriate to the accidental drop-bys? 

This doesn’t mean you need to hide your feelings- that’s what blogs are for, right? Your thoughts, your experiences, your feelings, your take on the world; but at the end of the day, it still is the Internet. What you’ve written is in black and white. You can’t lie- you wrote it! And you know what, I’m glad (a bit) that I showed my blog to my boyfriend- I don’t need to say it all again in person now. It’s touchy- and touchy stuff makes me all ugh. It’s the truth, but my intentions were not to attack him, only to share my human feelings. It doesn’t change my feelings towards him nor our relationship (I HOPE…if you’re reading this btw, I really am sorry for my outbursts.) 

Casual blogger or not, be careful of what you post if your blog is not meant for everyone’s eyes. 

How To Maintain a Lasting (like..lasting) Relationship

Yeah, I’m looking at you youngins- no, a month long relationship isn’t a lasting relationship. Neither is a two month, or three, or five. I’m talking about years and years (oh ew, with the same person??)

Well, I won’t put you guys in the line of fire- I was just teasing. In fact, I was like that once. 16, was my first relationship and oh, how wonderful it felt to be in love. I didn’t know what being hurt meant, I didn’t know how much it would hurt. I still remember telling myself: if we ever do breakup it won’t be a problem. I was definitely strong enough to handle it! (Pft, as if. I wasn’t over it for the next 2 years.)

As I kept getting older, I kept going through relationships, all which I took very seriously. With each one that has passed, I’ve learned something new about what it takes to make a relationship last. Now don’t take this as the word of God, just some pointers, food for thought.

#1: Be Honest.

Yeah, really. I know how hard it is sometimes; EVERYBODY lies a little in a relationship (you remember the cookie you stole from her and you told her you don’t know who took it?) but NOBODY should lie about something big. Something major, like your feelings. An ex. Your family. Your interests. A relationship is building a house- putting together the foundation made of real bricks and cement is a lot more work than making it out of foam and soap and of course, definitely a lot stronger. If you lie to them about how happy you are when you really aren’t, then hell will ensue. Because they will keep doing what makes you sad thinking they’re actually making you happy. Why would you want to do that to yourself? When you’re honest with one another, 2 things happen: you will fight, and you will know whether the relationship is worth it by the end of it.

#2: Be Independent.

You know what I mean. Be your own person. If your happiness is dependent on them, something isn’t quite right…and you probably would want to re-evaluate this. Don’t get me wrong again…I get those feelings of want and need too. I would love to see my boyfriend everyday. I miss him everyday. But I don’t go on a rampage if I don’t. I don’t demand him to see me- instead, I fill my days up with something productive, like working out. Paying my bills. Finding a stupid sublet for my next school term and in the process, be gipped out of my money…erm, and etc. Being your own person will make being with them that much better because you can stand on your own two feet. And nothing is sexier than a person who can thrive in and out of a relationship.

#3: Be Affectionate, but not Overbearing.

They look at their phone again and roll their eyes as you send them another “I love you baby” text. The words are starting to look like everyday prepositions. They probably don’t even take it seriously anymore. Giving too much love and affection can produce the opposite effect, and yes, as you grow older, this IS true. When your focus isn’t on undressing your girlfriend with your eyes anymore and instead, on your graduating year at university, or your full time job/career, these overbearing affections will make you go crazy. You just got no time for it, not because you don’t share the feeling; it just feels childish and infatuous (yes I just made this word up, sue me). And when you’re working full time, you don’t want to feel like a child. Neither do they.

#4: Be Sensitive.

You gotta care about them. Otherwise, why the hell are you in a relationship with them? Do you know their problems? Their personal, health, problems? Do you know how to make them feel better when they’re down in the dumps? Do you know how to make her laugh when she’s crying? Do you know how to make him feel like the luckiest guy in the world? Being sensitive shows you care about them genuinely. You listen to them and you act appropriately. You take their problems to heart, and you make sacrifices for them. The grad ball you were going to take her to falls instantly from your agenda when she falls ill, and instead of going solo, you spend that night with her at the hospital. You don’t have to think about being sensitive- you shouldn’t. It should just happen naturally, because you love them, don’t you?

#5: Keep Calm and Argue On.

All your pent-up anger bubbles in your chest and– you let it all out with a sigh. Arguing with loud, vulgar taunts at each other only proves one thing: you’re both still unable to handle things maturely. So you guys can yell and scream- what good does that do? Would your point be heard better compared to if you were to speak at a normal tone? It’s normal to get heated in an argument, but if it becomes a caveman yelling war, you guys are straying off track. Being able to keep a level head is absolutely the best way to counter. Why? Because it makes the other person look silly (assuming they’re yelling). By having such a drastic change in volume, the other person will automatically drop their voice. Win-win for both your ears.

#6: Is There a Future?

The most important point of all. When you picture yourself- being an entrepreneur, or a businessman, or an architect- do you see yourself being with someone? Do you feel like you can accept that whole new path? Are you READY? Is she the one you want in your life, the one you want to come home to, the one you want to tell all your family and friends to, the one you want to marry? Can you stand their shenanigans, their quirky personality, their ridiculous sense of humour, their cooking? How they’re scared of spiders, or how they’re unable to eat gluten? Think about it. Because this may be what you will have to live with for the rest of your life.